View Full Version : Poetry Virgin
RosettaStoned
2008-10-13, 20:20
Alright so I'm pretty new to poetry, started getting into it a little bit, reading a good amount here and there, and so here's something I wrote. Pretty much just looking to see if anyone thinks it's any good and/or some constructive criticism.
Science! Oh how you have failed me.
Your medicine for the sick,
made weapons of war,
Your guns for the weak,
Made thieves hunger for more.
With your comforting tone,
and your sympathetic eyes,
you bestowed peace in me,
and filled me up with lies.
And now to you science,
All I have left to ask,
Is for the thing I need most,
I need my ignorance back.
Knowledge is power,
this is very true.
But I no longer want it,
I'm giving it back to you.
I'm sick of intelligence,
It's only brought me pain.
I'm sick of technology,
It left me nothing to gain.
I don't want it,
You can have it all,
Your guns, your drugs,
Along with your strip mall.
I no longer want to know
the problems of the everday.
Please, oh please science,
Make it go away.
Get rid of the monster
Underneath my bed,
Free me from the voices
From inside my head.
And so Science
I ask you for the last time,
Can you please free me,
I want my life to be mine.
Anarchist88
2008-10-14, 04:40
good, in mi opinion. there are parts where it gets choppy, but less then half of mi writing flows well, so i have no right to correct you :( . good ideas, good rhymes, even though it seems like it becomes repeditive in a boring way sometimes. all in all, i like it :D . post more, i guess. :p
The Methematician
2008-10-14, 07:31
:mad:YOU'RE:mad:
RosettaStoned
2008-10-14, 20:00
Thanks. I'm sure as I write more and read more poetry, my 'style' will get at least a little bit better. I'll post as I write.
And this:
:mad:YOU'RE:mad:
Not sure what that's supposed to be mean, but whatever.
EDIT: Oh, unless you're saying I'm pissed? More disappointed then pissed, haha.
The Methematician
2008-10-15, 01:49
Not sure what that's supposed to be mean, but whatever.
EDIT: Oh, unless you're saying I'm pissed? More disappointed then pissed, haha.
So by your you actually meant your and not you're in :
Your medicine for the sick,
made weapons of war,
Your guns for the weak,
?
Dead1Head
2008-10-15, 04:40
It makes equal sense, doesn't it?
So by your you actually meant your and not you're in :
?
No he was right with your. You're is the contraction of 'you are', and as you can see, if you replace your with you are (or you're) it really doesn't make sense, except in a metaphorical way, and even then it doesn't carry on to the next line. 'Your' is the possessive pronoun in this case and it used correctly.
You are medicine for the sick,
made weapons of war,
You are guns for the weak,
On topic: I like the concept you put forward in the poem, but I think you could refine some of the lines to make them more powerful. With a bit of editing I reckon it'd be good. The first stanza is good, but it sort of loses it through the rest, and maybe the length is something you'd want to revise. It's just my opinion though, it's your poem after all.
RosettaStoned
2008-10-15, 22:03
No he was right with your. You're is the contraction of 'you are', and as you can see, if you replace your with you are (or you're) it really doesn't make sense, except in a metaphorical way, and even then it doesn't carry on to the next line. 'Your' is the possessive pronoun in this case and it used correctly.
On topic: I like the concept you put forward in the poem, but I think you could refine some of the lines to make them more powerful. With a bit of editing I reckon it'd be good. The first stanza is good, but it sort of loses it through the rest, and maybe the length is something you'd want to revise. It's just my opinion though, it's your poem after all.
Thanks, I'm glad that people are able to understand the basic idea of my poem. But it can have a few different meanings and doesn't just have to represent 'science', it could represent anything you put your trust in. And no, I don't mind criticism at all, as long as someone's not being an asshole about it. It's a lot harder to get better at something if no one is telling you what you're doing wrong. And when you say length, do you mean make it longer and more in depth, or shorter and more to the point? Do you think it's a little too repetitive? I'll have to look over it. I'll re-submit it when I think it's better.
Thanks, I'm glad that people are able to understand the basic idea of my poem. But it can have a few different meanings and doesn't just have to represent 'science', it could represent anything you put your trust in. And no, I don't mind criticism at all, as long as someone's not being an asshole about it. It's a lot harder to get better at something if no one is telling you what you're doing wrong. And when you say length, do you mean make it longer and more in depth, or shorter and more to the point? Do you think it's a little too repetitive? I'll have to look over it. I'll re-submit it when I think it's better.
Yeah I know what it's like with criticism, half the time people have no idea what they're talking about and half the time they're assholes. I would make it shorter and more to the point yeah, I think that some of the stuff you could've cut out and even if it wasn't direct repetition it was fairly close to what you'd already said. But keep it up man, I'll be interested to see the revised version.
ibetyouvotenexttimehippy
2008-10-17, 06:36
:mad:YOU'RE:mad:
You are medicine for the sick?
- ♫.i.b.y.v.n.t.h.♫
The Methematician
2008-10-20, 08:38
Science! Oh how you have failed me.
Therefore I assume that he's talking to "science"...
so "you're medicine for the sick / guns for the weak"
makes sense....no ?
Dark_Magneto
2008-11-24, 11:59
You should title this piece "Ode to Ignorance".
The Methematician
2008-11-24, 12:29
No. Your wrong. Seriously. You are. :p
??:confused:??
Now I'm really confused.....
the term : "your wrong", is it :
[a] you're wrong (as in I'm wrong)
or
[b] it's my wrong (as in "sorry,my bad"...)
???:confused::confused:???
:D
The Methematician
2008-11-24, 12:49
No it was an intentional typo just to grind you're gears. Sully you're feast. Melt you're blotter. Freeze you're dope.
lol...actually that's what I wants the OP to think, cos what the OP wrote is something like a duality thingy, I mean, it can be interpreted as YOUR and YOU'RE at the same time and still makes sense....
the duality of men....
oh, btw, I don't run on gears and drivetrains, I run on jets and thrusts, lots and lots of THRUSTS ....:D so,...nope, you can't grind my gears....cos there's haint any
Rabid Hooker
2008-11-29, 22:28
mi opinion... half of mi... it becomes repeditive in a boring way sometimes
What the fuck? Are you twelve or just too "inner-city-bitch" to use proper english and spelling?
Anyways, I like it Rosetta.
Anarchist88
2008-12-03, 01:26
What the fuck? Are you twelve or just too "inner-city-bitch" to use proper english and spelling?
Anyways, I like it Rosetta.
1. im 14
2. i live in the suburb, kind of in a ghetto-ish area
3. people who pay attention to minor grammar and spelling mistakes on the interwebz are pussies, "chat talk" is just more efficient
4. your an acolyte, im a regular. if i understand " totse law" correctly, that makes me better than you. you are basically my bitch. so... =====================> GTFO ACOLYTE!
Rabid Hooker
2008-12-05, 00:35
. if i understand " totse law" correctly, that makes me better than you. you are basically my bitch. so... =====================> GTFO ACOLYTE!
I've been around since 05, you fucking douche. If you don't know me, shut the fuck up.
Dark_Magneto
2008-12-05, 03:36
I've been here since 2000, bitches. All bow down before me.
Anarchist88
2008-12-06, 19:14
I've been here since 2000, bitches. All bow down before me.
( bows down ) but seriously, ive been doin this shit for like, 3 and a half years. its only recently that ive created an account though. ive grown through puberty on &T lol
Valushka
2008-12-08, 21:15
Pretty damn good, You used a few wrong words here and there. Few corny rhymes, but anything that rhymes with head is corny unless you do it just right.
Rabid Hooker
2008-12-09, 00:51
ive grown through puberty on &T lol
1. im 14
Shut the fuck up.
Also, you say "chat talk" is easier to use, so what the fuck is with saying "mi"?I t's two characters, just like "my", you retarded little cunt.
Anarchist88
2008-12-09, 03:39
Shut the fuck up.
Also, you say "chat talk" is easier to use, so what the fuck is with saying "mi"?I t's two characters, just like "my", you retarded little cunt.
hmmmm, other than the curse words i suppose that was actually intelligent. u got me there. forse of habit, i suppose. and btw, i meant " growing through puberty" :o sorry. im still in it, even though i started growing dick hair wen i was 11 ( oops, too much info)