How to Fuck Up a Mailbox

How to Fuck Up a Mailbox

by lazyman

One of the greatest ways to get back at kids that suck is to destroy their mailbox. There are many ways of doing this, you really need a car to get away fast because this is a federal offense, and a bad idea.

One funny thing to do to those plastic newspaper mailboxes is to light them on fire. Do this by taking a ciggarette lighter, making it so the flame is big, and holding it under the mailbox until it catches. It won't take long if it's not windy. If you don't know how to make the flame big, then just get one of those lighters with the flame adjusters, and pop off the silver cover thing. Now you see the wheel that turns to make the flame big. The black plastic piece will pop over the gear, and then turn the gear farther, put it back together, and you have a lighter with a huge flame. Your other alternative is to make a torch to light the mailbox with. Get a dry stick a foot long or so, tie some old cloth around the end and dip it in gasoline. Light it right before your act of mailbox burning. Once it starts dripping fire, get the hell out of there.

Now for most mailboxes that are not plastic, you will need to make some Napalm or something to burn them. I reccomend Napalm because its basically more horrible gasoline. It sticks to the mailbox, and burns for a long time, and is hard to put out. Okay, to make napalm all you need is a jar three fourths of the way full of gaoline, and a lot of styrofoam. Simply dissolve chunks of styrofoam into the gas until it won't take anymore. Then let it sit for a day or too (not neccessary, but makes it better), and pour out the watery crap that comes to the top. Now you have some nasty shit. It should be like clear jelly, but you can't really go wrong with this so whatever you have is fine. Now take the napalm jar and go to your target. Bring a spoon or something if you want to spread it around the mailbox. Now either spread it around the mailbox, or dump the whole damn thing inside, or a combination of both. Alright, now in order to light this without getting burned, you will need your trusty ciggarete lighter, and a can of hairspray, AXE, WD40, ect. Get back a couple feet, and torch it till it lights. Incase your a real idiot, light the ligher and spray the can at it in whatever dirrection the mailbox is. If you want to make things even worse (better), get another can and put it inside the mailbox before you torch it. This will create a nasty explosion. Then, get the fuck out of there.

Another interesting thing to do is what we like to call the "frozen piss box". Now in the middle of winter you get some friends together at 3 AM and go to your target mailbox. Bring a baseball bat or 2. Beat the damn to the ground, drag it to the middle of the road, get everyone to piss on it, put some eggs on it, hell, shit on it, beat it up a bit more, and then put it back on its stand if you wish. Bring gloves for that part. Do this on a cold night so by moring it will be frozen shit gallor. The person will sure get a nice suprise.

Finally, the worst (best) thing you can possibly do. You will need a big bottle of hand sanitizer (the kind with alcohol in it), and your trusty ciggarette lighter. This is a beautiful thing to do. First, soak the mailbox with the hand sanitizer. Inside too if you wish. To make this work better, wrapp the whole mailbox in toilet paper first then soak it. Soak the whole damn thing, or this won't look as cool. When you light this you will have a beautfil blue glowing firery mailbox. It will burn for at least a few minutes, and longer if you use the toilet paper. This stuff could burn for up to an hour, it just depends. Alcohol is very fun stuff. Make sure you light fast and back off, because this gets pretty messy. Use the blow torch idea if you wish. If you don't have hand sanitzer then lighter fluid should work, but it will be harder to light and won't glue as blue. It will take way more. One thing to try is put some kid of dye like food coloring in your sanitzer to make a flame different colors. I'm not sure if this works or not. Anyway, before you drive off, make some huge noise to attract the victom outside, to make sure they see your beautiful creation with their mailbox. If not, some random driver will see it. If somehow nobody sees it until moring, the mailbox will either be fine and they will never know, or it will be black, depending on the type of paint. Most white paint will turn black.

Have fun with this. And do not get caught, take all precautions, because if you do, you are fucked.