Mailbox Info

Mailbox Info

by Poetic Psycho

Ah the mailbox. Since the times of the Pony Express back in the 1800's, these nifty little things have been around. They were, and still are, devices for holding and storing postal mail. They come in various colors, shapes, sizes, and materials, but they all have 2 things in common

1: They all have a flag of some sort to alert the postal dude theres waiting mail inside

2: Someone, SOMEWHERE, at sometime, has thought of busting the holy living shit out of it!

Thats right bitch! You know that somewhere in your heart and soul, you've wanted to take a baseball bat, a tree limb, a stick, a rock, SOMETHING, and just beat the little fucker into tin foil! Well, as the intro states, I will explain the best ways to, and also why you shouldn't! (More on that later)

The "Pull'Em-Plenty" Method

One of the most obvious (and most hilarious) ways to destroy mailboxes is to obtain a truck (trucks vastly rule over cars for this) a chain, and about 3 Anarchy buds. After selecting the target, (and making sure its about 3:00 in the morning when the little shits inside have gone beddy bye), back as quietly up to the mailbox as possible. Hell, turn the truck off, put it in neutral, and have your friends push it up to the mailbox. In any case, hook the chain to the rear bumper of the truck and wrap the other end around the mailbox post. Wrap it securely now, shame to use up all that time and the fucker not even come out. Once its tied good and steady, you and your boys pile in the truck and stomp the gas! That motherfucker will (unless they cemented it) be jerked right out of the ground and you can drive off with the whole damn thing, mailbox AND the post used to hold it into the ground!

The "Plow'em-Plenty" Method

Like the above method, a truck works best. However in this case, a big metal bumper is a MUST. To perform this nifty ass trick, simply find a lonely deserted road with a lot of mailboxes in a line. Pick a starting target and then stomp the gas and plow over every fucking one of them! To REALLY make some noise, have the horn blowing the whole time. The crashing of the boxes and the horn is sure to wake up someone and then you'll have an audience! Be sure to give'em an encore..heh heh heh

The "Drive-By-Pulvarize'em-Plenty" Method

Another classic, yet more dangerous, way is the good ole' drive by method. Simply take a large blunt object (metal baseball bats are BEST!) and, having a trusted friend drive, make a run down a dark and lonely street at about 20 miles per, taking swings at every mailbox possible. The wooden ones with the dumbass tractors or cats on top are best, cause they shatter and make a hell of a mess

Now that I've explained some of the ways to bust up on some mailboxes, let me explain why you should NOT!

--True Story--

(To protect myself from incrimination, the details such as date and time and passangers are changed, but weapon of destruction and legal troubles are the same)

Late one July night at about 3:12, me and 2 of my friends (17 and 14) decided to go for a joyride. Nothing much, just riding around. Not much to do, its a boring old farm community so its not like anythings going on. Anyway, I got the brilliant idea that it would be fun to destroy a few mailboxes, just for fun you know? My neighboors metal baseball bat was already in the car, so we were set! We found us a lonely country road and took over, my friend driving along at about 30 m.p.h. while I held the bat. We'd come close to a mailbox...BAMM!! Bash the fucker, then roar off into the night to seek another target. After about the 6th house, we noticed a truck behind us. a car-truck chase ensues and since my little car is much faster and more maneuverable than that big ass clunker truck, we got away right?

WRONG! Dumbshits as we were, we forgot the faggot probably got our license. This was confirmed later when a sheriffs car pulled into the yard and promptly ordered the three of us to go with him to the station. Awaking my mom, she took the younger comrade while me and my 17 year old bud rode together in the cop car.

Now, for any of you that think busting a mailbox is no big deal, THINK AGAIN! Me and the 17 year old got a free night in jail for that shit and $3,000 bail. 6 mailboxes x $500.00 per offense. After a few months, our court date came around. I got First Offender Plea Bargain and the court settled on 12 months probation and an $875.00 fine plus restitution of all the mailboxes, which amounted to almost $300.00. The judge told me without the bargain, I could liekly be facing 6 years in a state prison.

6 YEARS!? You say? Bullshit! Not so bitch! The maximum penalty (I think) is 12 months in a state prison per offense, 6 offenses = 6 years. As I found out, Destruction of Mailboxes is a FEDERAL OFFENSE because the postal service is a Federal service and since the boxes hold Federal property (your mail, believe it or not) any damage to them is considered damage to the Federal Government. And trust me, from experience, the Gov. does NOT take destruction of these damn things lightly.