Using Candy for Revenge

Using Candy for Revenge

by George Hayduke

This one may take some getting used to, and you may not even want to read it... it's pretty yucky. But it came in and is sworn to as true by the perpetrator. It shows me how far people will go when they are frustrated or screwed over by someone else. Our source here is a man who wants to call himself The Phantom from Whitman's Samplers. You'll see the cogency in a moment.

Mr. Phantom got fired without cause by his very rotten boss, but only after the young employee had set up a system of accounting which would save the company a lot of money. After the employee set up the system and explained it, the boss fired him and turned it over to his wife to operate. Wives don't have to be paid, I guess. Mr. Phantom's revenge was, ahh, sweet. Here's his story.

"My ex-boss was having a party for some of his equally crass friends. I decided to send along a present of my own 'homemade candy' which I had an ally, a friendly bartender, slip into the party. I made sure my present was all done up nicely in a Whitman Sampler box with real candy. Here's how I prepared that gift.

"Several nights before the party I ate six ears of corn for dinner... nothing else. Later that evening, I ate two apples (a great source of pectin). The next morning I moved my bowels into a plastic bag. I allowed the feces to dry in the sun for two days. Wearing rubber gloves, I cut that dried block into small squares the size of cherries. They were semihard with whole kernals of corn running through them, a decidedly disgusting visual effect.

"Then, I melted four large bars of milk chocolate in a double boiler, and, not unlike a fondue, I gently covered the feces pieces with the delectable milk chocolate.

"When they were dry, I wrapped each one in the golden foil that the original chocolate-covered cherries come wrapped in. I filled the box and resealed it."

According to Mr. Phantom, the bartender said the "gift" was devoured for a few moments until one guest finally spit out a piece of "candy". Within two minutes, there was not enough bathroom space to accomodate eighteen gastrically ill guests involuntarily intent upon regurgitating.