wanting to die?

shouldn't all true christians want to die? i mean, i do alot of things that might make me look like a bad person to somebody looking in from the outside, but there isn't any evil behind my motives. i do alot of things to make enemies. i geuss in hopes of them killing me. i havn't left the house since i was around 15 without a gun. and it's not because im afraid to die, it's just because i dont want to die like a coward. if i have a chance to shoot back, i will. i've thought of killing myself, and came close when i was younger, but didn't because i thought i would go to hell if i did. i've been wanting to die since i was around 14-15. from what i hear, getting shot doesn't hurt, so whats to be afraid of? it's just blood quits pumping to your brain, and you pass out. and i believe i'll go to heaven, because god understands the reasons i do some of the things that could be looked at as evil. and if i go to hell, it's no use trying to put something off another 60 years, when it'll last an eternity. i mean whats 60 years to eternaty? and if god isn't real, i would rather just rest than suffer anymore in life. life is supposed to be a test for everybody, so i geuss it's not easy on anybody, its a test to see if you can keep faith in god. i feel my body is just a prison. why would any christian value life? and even an athiest, or somebody who thinks he's going to hell, look at it like i do, like it's no use putting the shit off, all you can do is ask for forgiveness, and if it doesn't work, oh well, it's no use, you've committed your sins, and you cant take them back. so tell me, if so many americans are christians, why are so many afraid to die?