This is a conversation I had a few years ago had when I was going through a crisis. It is about a real life experience of mine. The conversation is between myself and what I consider my 'higher self'. I wrote this as the conversation was progressing and it is word for word. It's kind of hard to understand because at first I'm talking to my higher self and it's talking back. Then only I am talking to my higher self and it is listening. When it sounds like I'm talking to the people in the church, I'm not. It's just the thoughts I was having during the experience. And at the very end I am no longer talking to my higher self but I am talking to God. [Slf]=self
[Slf]I'm scared, what am I gonna do? I can't do anything. I have no power.
Control (your) emotions, thoughts, actions anger, (and) mouth. Pay attention. (These are things you can do.)
[Slf]Where can I go? (I was thinking of running away from the crisis I found myself in.)
Nowhere.
[Slf]What can I do? (to make this better)
Learn. Not from books. (but from thinking about what you have already read and direct experience.)
[Slf](I)Don't care.
That's scarey.
[Slf]Stupid people. (People are stupid.)
I am. (but I won't hold it against you.)
[Slf](I)Can't talk to people. How to express myself? ( don't know how to express my thoughts, feelings, and experiences.)
Talk to God.
[Slf]What a painful word! (God)
How come?
[Slf]Because. I turned my back on him once.(God) He came to me and I felt great.(I asked him to come into my heart.) In church. People couldn't understand.(what it is like to have a relationship with God) They like to pretend to know God.(but they don't.) I was embarressed. (because of the way people were looking at me when I had the experience below.) Because I was crying, my knees were weak. (My) Mom & brother looking at me with worry. I was gonna fall. (and it would have felt good to kneel before God.) But I couldn't, people were looking. God was calling me.(this is my interpretation of the experience.) Oh how I longed for Him. (To have a relationship with him.) He welcomed, me but I said no. I couldn't be weak. People (in the church were looking at me and) looked worried. I was shaking. Growing warm. God was expanding in me! (My interpretation)Getting brighter, Golden. (God felt like a very warm golden light that was unlimited love and wisdom.)I was getting to be consumed. But I had to act strong (not crying, shaking, and falling to my knees) cause the people around me were scared. I was scared they would think wrong of me. (Or that I was some wierdo) They were looking at me. (with incomprehension, worry and fear.) They've got no idea. (What it was like to be this close to God) I was fine! Why couldn't they stop looking at me?! I'd never felt so good before. I could see their thoughts in their eyes. Confused, laughing, worried, scared.They were scared!(In a church, were they had come to worship God. Scared of some kid who was crying, shaking and had a smile on his face. Simply because the didn't understand what was going on.) Can you believe that?! Stupid people! Others were looking at me with those dumb blank eyes, that just kind of say, huh? What's going on? (I wish they would just)Leave me alone! Worship God! That's what you're here for! Quit looking at me and look to God! You can feel this too! Just give yourself up, you don't belong to yourself anyways.(you belong to God.) Welcome God into your heart and He will welcome you into his.
But I've shunned God (now). I've cursed Him, blamed Him. Hated Him. Loved Him. How come you(God) can't make everybody happy? Why can't they see your love? It doesn't make sense.(to me) It should right? Shouldn't it? Why don't I listen to you (God)? How come I can't hear you anymore? We were close once. Closer than I've ever been with anyone.
Edit: Tried to make dialogue more readable.
Edit: Tried again to make it more understandable.
[This message has been edited by Seriously (edited 12-01-2006).]
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