Why I Am Agnostic.

[H4T3]

Though I know there is plenty of these threads to go around, I don't think most of the atheists in this forum made any points. I am not atheist, I believe in a higher power. No one can truely estimate how the universe came to be, and science will never be able to prove what was before us. There is no true way to measure time in a linear way as it is infinite. Therefore we can never even attempt to explain a fraction of what existed before. It was what is and should never be. The only thing I'm trying to explain is why I don't believe in a god in a religious sense.

I'd like to start this off by saying I was once deeply religious. A friend of mine got me into god by explaining the idea behind the rapture. I dedicated most of my early life to preparing for the end. I was going to fight the anti-christ, and convert as many as possible before someone, anyone decided to end my life. I prepared arguments, and argued with atheists to reinforce my faith. I attended church camp, my faith grew stronger every day. Then, inexplicably, I began to question my teachings. I read many religious texts, and I compared statistics for different religions.

Suddenly, my life had changed. It all became one big question. I confronted the head of my youth group about this. I told him I didn't think I could believe anymore. The only thing he could tell me is: "You have to push, force Jesus back into your life."

His words echoed into my head for the following months. I talked to preachers, religious scientists, and many others. I kept asking questions until I realized something: There is no proof that god exists. None, nadda, zip. The only thing that christianity has is the dead-sea scrolls, which are hardly proof. Archeologists used the fact that they were very prolific scrolls to verify their legibility (and I really wanted to believe it was true.) I looked into this more and found that it was duty of most religious monks to copy the bible all day every day.

It took a while, but eventually I realized that there was no proof, only faith. The church continued to tell me "faith gets you into heaven, not knowledge." So there was no way to prove god exists, and the only thing that got you into heaven was faith. That lead me to my final question: "Why would God play this game with us?" A shitty Keanu Reeves movie was not enough to answer that goddamned question. A just and perfect god would not make a deal with the devil to prove a point. A just and perfect god would not let men who speak of him rape children. A just and perfect god would not need your money...

So, I turned to hinduism. The Bhagavad-Gita explained many things christianity did not in a very poetic book. it explained how gods were everywhere. Naturally, however, they had no proof either. So, I played a game of religious musical chairs. Running around in circles, with room for one less religion each time until it came down to me, myself, and I.

I went in and a minister said: "The bible says there is a god. It holds many true historical events. It's likely to be true." Okay, but that does not explain whether or not there is a god. Then I fell apon this quote, it changed my entire life: Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned. Of course it didn't seem like much. But I realized that my questions would never be answered. The church existed to deceive. The Vatican had coerced us out of happy lives of hedonistic ignorance into fear and self-loathing. The church exploited the fear of many in order to create their veiw of the perfect world. This is not what Jesus would have wanted, nor is it what Moses wanted when he made the ten commandments. It's not what Ram wanted when he wrote his beautiful poetry. It's not what Buddha wanted when he created his prefects. The laws were created to bring us together, not tear us apart. As long as seperate religions exist, we will remain divided. As long as the end is fortold we will fear it.

I fell apart and had a complete religious breakdown. I got really depressed. I looked down on the religious for arguing with atheists and atheists for their complete refusal to believe anything. Finally, something cracked. Whoever god is, he didn't make the rules. Rules are made by men. Whoever god is, he doesn't want us to fear him. Using fear is imperfect, and I was taught to believe God is perfect. Fear is created by men. Lastly, god doesn't care if you believe or not. Ambivalence is a perfect emotion. Apathy is an expression of perfection. Whatever, whoever, wherever god is, he doesn't care if we believe. I can fuck, fight, swear and it's okay. God doesn't need my fear. He doesn't need my beleif. He sure as fuck doesn't need my money. I live free knowing this. Maybe somebody will read this and change. Maybe not. Maybe I've got too much time. I don't believe in god because I have the freedom not to. That's all I need.