IBJ's Shoplifting Guide

by infamous big j

Yes, I'm bored and it's 2:12 AM so I'm going to write this guide to shoplifting. No, I don't shoplift anymore, but I became very good at it back in the day, and I feel that I must pass on my knowledge. I lifted at least a hundred times, and I didn't get caught once. Before I pass on my skills, I must tell you that this guide is meant to help you "stick it to the man". By the man, I mean big stores like Wal-Mart and Target, don't steal from the local mom and pop corner store, or I will hunt you down and pimp slap you. So, let's begin, shall we?

Pre-Hit

It's usually a good idea to check out the store before you ever take anything. Go into the store with the intention of doing a recon mission and not actually taking anything. Try not to be too suspicious, but don't try too hard to act casual. As long as you don't take anything on this trip, you'll be fine. If you get a bad feeling about something (always trust your fucking instict!) then leave and go to another store another day. What you're doing is checking out the store, locating cameras and desirable liberation targets. You need to be aware of cameras. Yes, some camera domes are empty and are just there to scare you. Don't ever assume that a camera dome is empty, always assume that every dome has a camera in it and that it's watching you. It's also a good idea to browse around the store, picking out a few cheap items that are scattered around the store and then purchasing them upon your exit, to make you appear to be a regular customer. Mirrors on the walls at corners usually have cameras in them. If you're in a store with a low cieling, in the mall for example, look for the camera cieling tiles. These are shaded cieling tiles (shaded, like sunglasses and camera domes). There are actually cameras in these shaded cieling tiles. Cameras are less of a concern when you're in the mall, because it's unlikely that anyone is actually watching them, but it's still a good idea to assume that someone is watching the camera. Once you have a good idea of the layout of the store and the layout of the merchandise, along with the general locations of a few blindspots then leave. Like I said, it's a good idea to purchase a few inexpensive items on your way out.

Entry

It's a good idea to have a getaway vehicle in the parking lot, with the motor running and the driver ready to get out of there. Have your driver drop you off at the front of the store (if you're in the mall, then just casually walk into the store). Your friend should go park the car in a pre-designated parking spot that isn't too far from the exit and that is easy to get out of. You're going to walk into the store. If you're nervous, you need to relax. One of the reasons the door greeters are there is to greet you. This may seem innocent enough, but there's psychology behind it. When that door greeter greets you, your sense of anonymity is removed. A skilled shoplifter will not be phased by the door greeter, and will in fact greet the door greeter. This is what you need to do. Don't act too happy, but act like you're in a good mood. Make eye contact and respond to the greeter. This will get you off to a good start. Avoiding eye contact and not saying anything is extremely suspicious, especially if you're a teenager. Oh yeah, another thing, don't ever shoplift with more than one other person if you're a teen or young adult. Groups draw attention. A lone wolf isn't nearly as suspicious as three or four teens wandering around the store. You should now be in the store. Your next step is very critical to your sucess. You must act like you know what you want/need, without going to it too fast. Browse for a few minutes, pick up a few cheaper items. It also looks good if you get a shopping cart and put a few small items in it.

The Hit

Casually make your way over to your target. It's generally a good idea to limit yourself to one or two items per hit. The more you take, the greater the risk. You shouldn't have anything in your pocket that could aid you in shoplifting. It's hard to prove that stealing something was a spontaneous decision when you have a boxcutter in your pocket. You also need to have money in your wallet. In an ideal situation, you should have enough cash on you to pay for what you're stealing. With no shoplifting tools and enough money to pay for the item, you'll get in less trouble if you get caught because you can say that it was a spontaneous decision and that you regret it. Even though it's unlikely that you'll get caught, you can never be too safe. Once you have what you want (preferably in a shopping cart), casually make your way over to one of your blindspots. It's crucial that you don't seem like you're in a hurry. The people watching the cameras know where the blindspots are. You need to remember that these people deal with shoplifters every day. They know how you operate. You need to deviate from the actions of the typical shoplifter. This is what makes you a pro. You need to act like a regular shopper. Make your way to the blindspot. If there's no one around, very quickly take your item out of the package and pocket it (or just pocket the whole package). Once you have what you want, hide the package on the shelf (if you took the item out of the package) and take an item off the shelf from the area you're in, so it looks like you went there to get something. Now you need to casually make your way to the front of the store. If you're in Wal-Mart, don't get nervous when someone on the intercom requests a security scan in a department, if you pay attention, they do this every 20 minutes or so to make shoplifters think that they are being watched. If they really needed a security scan, they'd say it over their two way radios instead of over the intercom. Browse through some items near the front of the store, and look to see if there is an unusual gathering of employees at the exit. If you get ANY bad feelings whatsoever, you need to abort. Go back to your blind spot and make sure no one can see you and hide everything you've taken on the shelf. You can now leave safely, even if they detain you they can't do anything to you because you didn't leave with the merchandise. Bad feelings are your friend. I've listened to all of my bad feelings, as should you. If you get a bad feeling, then it's not your day and you need to come back another day. Bad feelings are very serious and are usually warnings of the future.

The Exit

So, everything looks safe and you have what you want. Hopefully you haven't been in the store longer than around 15 minutes. You can leave without purchasing something, but it looks good to buy something small, this is why you've been collecting small items on your way around the store. Buy them and calmly walk towards the exit. Don't go in the bathrooms, even if you really have to go. As you're leaving, say "goodbye, have a nice evening/afternoon" to the door greeter. If the alarm goes off, this is important, so listen up, DON'T FUCKING PANIC AND DON'T FUCKING RUN. If you live in the United States then there is absolutely no law whatsoever that allows them to force you to stop and submit to a search because the alarm went off. You need to just keep on calmly walking. This has happened to me countless times, and it's always the same. You might get scared, but if you keep your calm, ignore the door greeter who's yelling at you to come back, and leave. Once you exit the store, you'll be fine. No, they won't call security. In the off-chance that they do call security, you need to remember that they aren't cops and that you have rights. They can't stop you because the alarm goes off. Just keep walking, if they touch you, then threaten legal action but don't physically threaten them. Get in your vehicle and leave. If they threaten to call the cops, then throw your stuff out the window into the bushes on the side of the road or something. If you get pulled over and searched, you won't have the merchandise on you and you can't get in trouble. If everything goes smoothly and security doesn't give you any trouble, then congratulations my friend.

Busted

If you walk out of the store, and the alarm doesn't go off, but someone approaches you and identifies themselves as loss prevention, then you're fucked. Pretend to cooperate and start to walk back in with them, and then run to your car. If they tackle you, don't fight, they have the right to use reasonable force to detain you if they know that you took something. If you fight them, you could get charged with assault. If they actually saw you take something, then the law is on their side. Give them your full cooperation, and if you have money, like I told you you should have, then start crying and make up some story about how you were going to pay for it but thought it would be fun to steal it. You won't get in too much trouble if you've followed my guide. If you manage to get to your car without them tackling you, you need to ditch your shit because this time they will call the cops.

Closing notes

This is a pretty good guide that I wrote using my personal experiences, but it won't help you if you don't have common sense. Also, use your common sense and don't wear anything suspicious. Wear shorts if you can. If it's cold outside then wear a jacket, but not a hoodie or anything with a big pocket on the front. Good luck, and remember, I am not responsible for your actions.