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Ashes to Ashes by Dave Barry
Ashes To Ashes
by Dave Barry
It's time somebody spoke up for the troubled U.S. cigaret industry. This
anti-smoking hysteria is getting out of hand. Just recently there was a
chilling case in California where an admitted smoker looked out his window and
watched in terror as an angry, shouting mob marched up onto his lawn and, in
plain sight of his faily, extinguished his flaming effigy.
I don't know what has happened to this nation. There was a time when we
*admired* smokers. They were our *heroes* -- suave, sophisticated, unfiltered
guys like Humphrey Bogart, who used to smile that cool, knowing, cynical smile
of his, then, as only he could, take a deep, slow, sensuous, satisfying drag on
his oxygen mask. That was in the later days of Bogie's sophistication.
But those day sare gone. Today, lighting a cigaret in a restaurant is about
as socially acceptable as wandering around spitting into people's salads. On
those rare occasions when you do see smokers pull out their cigaratets in
public, they look around guiltily, as though they are clutching little packs of
Adolf Hitler trading cards.
And so the cigaret companies are hurting. I think we may need some kind of
major event to draw attention to their plight. We could have one of those gala
all-star benefit fund-raising concerts. It could be called Butt Aid, and at
the very end, dozens of tabacco industry executives could get up on stage, join
their yellowish hands, rock back and forth in an emotional manner and sing the
deeply moving tobacco-industry theme song, "We Are Not Convicned That There Is
A Proven Causal Relationship Between Smoking And Lung Cancer," which goes:
"We are not (cough) excuse me
"We are (coughcough) hold it
"We (coughcoughcough)
"(Coughcoughcough)
"(Spit)"
And you know these words come from the heart. These words are backed by the
fine research being done at the famous Tobacco Institute, which is staffed by
leading tobacco-industry scientists using sophisticated equipment and wearing
state-of-the-art leashes. These scientists have been researching for years,
but they are damned if they can find any solid evidence that smoking is bad for
you. Although naturally they are continuing to look just as hard as they can:
FIRST SCIENTIST: Well, Ted, for the 13,758th consecutive experiment, all of
the cigaret-smoking rats developed cancer! What do you make of it?
SECOND SCIENTIST: Beats me, Bob!
FIRST SCIENTIST: It's a puzzle, all right! Hey, look at this. These rats
have arranged their food pellets to form the words "CIGARETS CAUSE CANCER YOU
ZITBRAINS." What could this possibly mean?
SECOND SCIENTIST: I'm totally stumped, Bob! Back to square one!
THIRD SCIENTIST (entering room): Hey, can you two guys lend me a hand? I
need to screw in a light bulb.
And thus the research continues at the prestigous Tobacco Institute. But
this is not enough for the extremist health nuts. Do you know what they're
saying now? They're saying that the federal government should *stop
subsidizing tobacco growers.* I'm serious! They're saying it makes no sense
for the government to protect consumers by requiring that aspirin bottles
cannot be openable by fewer than three nuclear physicists, then turn around and
spend millions of tax dollars to encourage the growth of a product that kills
300,000 Americans per year.
To which I reply: Oh, yeah? What about the *benefits* that all Americans,
other than the dead ones. derive from cigarets? One major benefit, is, of
course, Jesse Helms (R-Hell), who was donated to the U.S. Senate by the
tobacco industry and who has fought to protect *all* Americans, whether they
are stockholders off R.J. Reynolds or stockholders of Philip Morris.
And let's not forget advertising. The tobacco industry spends millions of
dollars on advertisements featuring photographs of extremely healthy-looking
young people holding cigarets and conveying, via their bright smiles and
carefree expressions, the upbeat message: "Hi! We don't have cancer! As of
yet!" In addition to being highly informative, these advertisements are a
major source of revenue for newspapers and magazines, enabling us to provide
you, the public, with vital news coverage in the form of 75 stories per week
about the epidemic of "crack" cocaine.
Of course that could be just another health scare. If you crack dealers out
there were smart, you'd stop shooting at each other and set up a Crack
Institute, staffed by trained scientists to do some long-term reaserch. Also
you'd purchase yourselves some U.S. senators and you'd pay big bucks to us
newspapers and magazines to run advertisements stressing the fun side of the
crack lifestyle. I imagine we'd take the money. Hey, a person has to live.
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