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Critters: Rewritten III \ Escape from the Critter
Critters: Rewritten III \ Escape from the Critters
Written 11-23-92 by: David Minter
Based on the movie Critters and material from Critters:
Rewritten II \ The Hatchlings and Critters: Rewritten \
The Setup.
This is the story of Critters: Rewritten III \ Escape from
the Critters. When you hear VAWOOMSH!, turn the damn
page! VAWOOMSH!
Recap of last story: the eggs hatched! VAWOOMSH!
The gathered group of humans, including Adam West,
stared in wonder at the strange creatures that had burst
down their door with such little effort. Wonder was soon
replaced by self-preservation when, suddenly, the monsters
bent forward, raising the quills on their backs forward.
Rand et. al. ducked behind their shield/dinner table. The
Critters hurled their spines right off their backs like
blow-darts from an Aberigenese blowgun! They burrowed
into the slightly sun-faded wood of the Peltzer's ( And
before it was theirs, it was Charlie's. ) dining room
table. Rand cautiously peered over the top. "I wish I
had invented that." VAWOOMSH!
"Billy!" Rand barked out. "Man the Gatling gun!"
"Right!" Billy obeyed with a terse salute. Billy, clown
costume and all, dived behind the pillbox that Rand had
insisted on keeping in the living room. ( He said it was
a great source of inspiration, a wonderful conversation
piece, and a reminder of a happier time in 'Nam. ) Billy
brought the gun around and pointed it at the nearest
Critter. He fired off several rounds from the ample
string of ammunition that hung from the weapon. Realizing
that the nearest Critter he had fired on was Kate, he
turned it towards a real Critter and blew it out of
existence. Rand, foolhardy as he was, jumped up from his
position, darted towards a Critter, placed his foot on its
head, grasped his sword by the blade ( ? ), brought the
handle back behind his shoulder, and took a golf swing at
the Critter's face! Screeching in pain, the Critter went
hurtling through space and out the door. VAWOOMSH!
Now it was Adam West's turn to get in on the act.
Drawing his Batarang, he sliced three Critters, who
happened to be standing right in a row, in two. Kate
stood up and revealed her bullet-riddled half-nakedness.
Confused beyond any allowable reason, the Critters decided
to withdraw, lick their wounds, and plan anew. The
Peltzers, Kate, and Adam had won this round. VAWOOMSH!
Back on the planet HCBDVII ( Remember good ol'
HCBDVII? ), its warden had detected that the Critters were
on the alien world that he had guessed that their
trajectory would take them too. Fearing the worst ( the
loss of his job, which is a policeman's worst fear ), he
decided to call in some bounty hunters. Bounty hunting
had turned into a very profitable prospect since the
collapse of Dolaah, the planet of money. Several beings
became intergalactic heroes because of their exploits in
the area of bounty hunting. The most famous bounty hunter
of all, Draxzed the Asinine, is known throughout all of
space, except under-developed worlds like Earth.
Twenty-seven billion Franx, the currency of planet S'Cargo
( which currently is the only usable form of money in the
higher evolved regions of the galaxy ), had been offered
for the capture of Rhichrd N'yksin. N'yksin was a
political mastermind who had the wonderful talent of
removing pockets of time ( 18 minutes in length ) from
various continuums through the galaxy. Well, one race of
beings finally got tired of that. The eighteen minutes
removed from the time-line of the Ytrok was the eighteen
minutes that the Ytrok had during their yearly
reproduction ritual before the heavy rains set in, making
procreation impossible. The Ytrok population had dropped
drastically. That was when they decided to hire Draxzed.
VAWOOMSH!
Needless to say, Draxzed brought Rhichrd N'yksin to
justice, but all eighteen minutes of every continuum in
the galaxy was never recovered. It was for this reason
that several of the history books in the galaxy are
continually inaccurate. Taking Draxzed's accomplishments
into consideration, the warden of HCBDVII decided to get
his expert opinion. The proud and gaunt form of Draxzed
pranced into the room. Confidently, he strode up to the
warden's desk and waited. "Here's your target." The
warden handed him a schematic of the suspects. Draxzed
took one look at it, weighed his options, and ran like a
thief in the night. "Hmmm," the warden hmmmed. "So much
for the theory of bounty hunters." VAWOOMSH!
"Don't judge us by the actions of one," the faceless
individual who had just stepped into the room grunted. The
warden didn't like to be grunted at, except during sex.
The warden didn't relish the thought of sex with this
strange person. "Then, tell me, mister. What else
shouldn't I judge you by?" He stood motionless for what
seemed like eons and finally said, "Judge me not by size,
for my ally is... this." He held up the mammoth Plasma
Alteration Induced Negator, or P.A.I.N. for short, rifle.
"Good enough for me. Are you up to this kind of target?"
Again, the warden held out the printout from his meaty
tentacle. The stranger looked at it thoughtfully. He
brought up his PAIN rifle and blew the paper right out of
the wardens hand, along with the hand. "No problem."
"Fine!" the warden said through a haze of pain. "But that
arm's gonna come out of your fee." "My fee is 42 pylons."
"Forty-two pylons!" the warden shouted. Pylon is not the
context of which you are thinking. This stranger doesn't
wish to be paid in orange traffic cones. A pylon is the
shell of a Sl'yztherian solar slug. The pylon is
treasured by all planets and worshiped in many cultures.
"Okay," the warden acquiesced. "Bring me proof of their
destruction, and I'll pay your fee." Doing a strange
Eyerish ( a planet know for potatoes ) jig, the stranger
set out on his mission. Stopping by the receptionist's
desk for the information that he would be provided for his
mission and to hit on the strange red thing at the desk,
he received his information and a gun pointed to his
temple by the receptionist. VAWOOMSH!
"Nice flinging, Adam," Mrs. Peltzer said as she
stroked her goatee. Adam blushed and then flustered from
seeing the woman he secretly longed for with a goatee.
"Yes," Rand added. "Even I must admit that you are handy
with a Batarang." "No time for compliments, dolts!" Billy
insulted from the top of the stairs, as he took this break
from the action to take off his clown costume and change
into something more normal. He came dashing down the
stairs. "Haven't you idiots replaced the door, yet?" The
others turned towards the open doorway. "Well." "Er."
"I-" "We-" "You see-" came several attempts at pathetic
excuses. "What would keep those creatures from rolling
their way back in here?" Rand thought on it for a moment.
"Luck?" "C'mon! Let's get that door nailed back up!" In
a matter of minutes, they had the door replaced. "Billy,
did you remember to get me a new set of clothes?" Kate
asked. "Nope. I like you like that." Billy's fantasies
were sharply interrupted by the sound of breaking glass.
VAWOOMSH!
The Critters had formulated another plan. Taking
advantage of the humans penchant for glass, they hurled
their rolled-up forms through a side window. They
uncurled to reveal the only physical characteristic that
they shared with Gremlins, rows of sharp, pointed teeth!
The humans were momentarily stunned, but like all men
placed in situations of dire distress, they were ready to
make a feeble attempt at a last stand. Billy tensed. Kate
hid. Mrs. Peltzer belched. Adam's back spasmed. Rand
assumed a karate position. Just at that moment, a high
pitched "HIIIIIIIIYAAAAAAH!" filled the room. Confused
humans and Critters alike looked around for the source of
the strange sound. They all turned towards the sound of
breaking glass as another window broke. VAWOOMSH!
A small bundle of fur swung into the room on a vine.
He landed with a soft WHUMP. It was Groucho! ( Well, you
were wondering what had happened to him. ) Kate came out
of hiding. "Groucho?" a startled Billy asked. "OH, NO!
IT IS YOU! DAMN IT!" "No time for that," Groucho
mentally communicated to his "friends." ( They were his
friends, but he was, most assuredly, not theirs. Even
Adam West, who had no idea what this odd ball of fluff
was, hated the Mogwai with a passion. ) "I've come to
find you, Billy. But I see now, that you'll need my
help." "We don't need the help of a little trouble-maker,
like you!" Rand yelled at the poor creature. The
Critters decided that now was the time to take the battle
to the humans. They were very, VERY hungry. "Heads up,
guys... and girls," Adam added after noticing that Mrs.
Peltzer had tucked her goatee in under her nightshirt.
"Here they come!" The fight was played out like a scene
from a Dragon Warrior game. FOUR CRITTERS APPEAR!
VAWOOMSH!
But before we get into the exciting part, let's
digress for a moment to allow the tension to build. On
HCBDVII, Ohm, the bounty hunter who had been dealing with
HCBDVII's warden, and his partner, Ogg, were preparing for
blast-off. They were monitoring some transmissions from
Earth. What they saw confused and appalled them. "How
were the Krites traced to such an idiotic little world?"
Ogg asked. "According to this," Ohm held up the packet of
papers that the receptionist had given him, "they traced
the fuel leakage from their escape scow. It pinpointed
that this third planet," Ohm punched up the map on the
screen, "was the correct guess from the hint that they had
received. It seemed that someone on that planet sent a
distress flare into the air that just happened to send,
through a bizarre quirk of fate, a radio frequency message
that was exactly in the warden's language. It said,
"Krites are here!" and gave directions to the planet. Ogg
entered the coordinates into the navigation computer,
disabled the theft-proof controls, and they sped off
towards the unknown dangers of Earth. VAWOOMSH!
BILLY ATTACKS. MISSED. RAND BELCHED. CRITTER A IS
CONFUSED. CRITTER B IS CONFUSED. DOESN'T WORK ON CRITTER
C. CRITTER D WASN'T LISTENING. RAND'S PARTY IS APPALLED.
GROUCHO FLICKS OFF CRITTER D. CRITTER D IS OFFENDED.
CRITTER D ATTACKS. 17 DAMAGE POINTS FOR KATE. MRS.
PELTZER CASTS SLEEP. CRITTER C IS PUT TO SLEEP. CRITTER
B ATTACKS. MISSED. CRITTER A USES ROD OF VEAL. GROUCHO
IS INFECTED WITH RABIES. ADAM USES BATARANG. 19 DAMAGE
POINTS TO CRITTER A. KATE PARRIES. BILLY USES STAFF OF
GASTRO-INTESTINITIS. CRITTER A DEVELOPS
GASTRO-INTESTINITIS. CRITTER B DEVELOPS ULCER. CRITTER C
GETS GAS. DOESN'T WORK ON CRITTER D. CRITTER D HURLS
POISON DART. RAND IS POISONED. GROUCHO FIGHTS OFF EFFECT
OF RABIES. KATE ATTACKS. 7 DAMAGE POINTS TO CRITTER A.
MRS. PELTZER PARRIES. CRITTER B ATTACKS. TREMENDOUS HIT!
89 DAMAGE POINTS TO ADAM. ADAM IS DEFEATED. MRS. PELTZER
ATTACKS. 23 DAMAGE POINTS TO CRITTER A. CRITTER A IS
DEFEATED. BILLY ATTACKS RAND FOR THE HELL OF IT. 11
DAMAGE POINTS TO RAND. GROUCHO BECOMES RABID. GROUCHO
BECOMES CONFUSED. GROUCHO BECOMES MAD. GROUCHO ATTACKS
BILLY. BILLY ATTACKS RAND AGAIN. RAND ATTACKS MRS.
PELTZER. KATE PARRIES. MRS. PELTZER ATTACKS CRITTER C
WITH COMBINED FORCE OF PREVIOUS ATTACKS. 345 DAMAGE
POINTS TO CRITTER C. CRITTER C BELCHES. CRITTER C
AWAKES. CRITTER C DIES. RAND TELLS A BAD PUN. DOESN'T
WORK ON CRITTER A. CRITTER B SHAKES WITH LAUGHTER.
DOESN'T WORK ON CRITTER D. RAND'S PARTY IS OFFENDED.
CRITTER A PARRIES. RAND SUDDENLY SHOUTS. CRITTER D COWERS
IN FEAR. HUNDREDS OF INVENTORS APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE. THE
COMBINED INVENTOR ARMY ATTACKS. 104 DAMAGE POINTS TO
CRITTER D. CRITTER D IS DEFEATED. GROUCHO ATTACKS
HIMSELF. 3 DAMAGE POINTS. KATE PARRIES. MRS. PELTZER
ATTACKS. 15 DAMAGE POINTS TO CRITTER A. CRITTER B
ATTACKS. 9 DAMAGE POINTS TO KATE. BILLY KISSES KATE.
KATE'S HP GOES UP 12. POISON OVERTAKES RAND. RAND IS
STUNNED. MRS. PELTZER ATTACKS. 16 DAMAGE POINTS TO
CRITTER A. CRITTER A IS DEFEATED. CRITTER B RUNS AWAY.
CRITTERS WERE DEFEATED! KATE'S PARTY GETS 452 EXPERIENCE,
12,000 GOLD. VAWOOMSH!
"YES!" Billy shouted. "OUCH!" Billy shouted as the
rabid Groucho bit into Billy's ankle. He clutched at the
Mogwai that was around his foot, pried him away, and
pinned him to the floor. Groucho continued to flail away,
teething gnashing and uttering incomprehensible phrases.
"Mom. Help me!" MRS. PELTZER CASTS REVIVE. ADAM WEST
RETURNS TO LIFE! "Mom! Why did you do that?! We were
finally rid of him! Why did you bring him back?" "It was
a mistake. I meant to cast ROT-CORPSE." "Okay. It's
alright. It was an "honest" mistake. I forgive you. Now,
can you help me out here?!" Groucho bit Billy on the
hand. "OWWWWWWCH! DAMN IT! HELP ME!" "Just pick him up
and throw it out the window, Billy." "Now why didn't I
think of that?" Billy lifted the resisting Mogwai and
tossed him out of the broken window. Groucho got cut up
pretty bad by all that glass before finally landing. He
got up and ran off, looking a proper place to die.
VAWOOMSH!
"What'll we do about him?" Kate asked, pointing to
the twitching form Rand, lying in a pool of his own drool.
"Leave him!" Billy told her. "We've got to get upstairs
before those creatures decide to come back in here." They
raced up the stairs and bolted the door to Billy's
bedroom, leaving Rand as a snack for the Critters. The
holed up humans raced around the room, first in confusion
and then in a mad race to place various pieces of
furniture against the door. VAWOOMSH!
The town of Innesfree had come alive. First off, a
pack of wolves had eaten their mayor. Second, the Evil
Ones were resurrecting. Third, left-wing militants gunned
down their new mayor. Fourth, and this one was the big
one, a large flaming apparition appeared in the eastern
sky. The villagers began milling around all over the
place, in confusion, and The Village People began a lively
chant, set to their hit song, "YMCA." This didn't do the
villagers any good, because they were already fearful of
the first point of light that signaled the oncoming of
Armageddon and this second, larger ball of flame was
worrying the lederhosen of the Innesfreevians. Also, it
didn't do the town any good when the large ball of flame
crashed into it. VAWOOMSH!
After the flames died down enough for even the aliens
to survive, Ohm and Ogg emerged. They whipped out their
trusty Krite Tricorders. The orange, bleeping dots on
their screens represented pockets of the evil beings.
"Okay. We know where they are. Now, let's assume our
adaptation disguises for safe exploration of this strange
world." Ogg and Ohm tested out their special vocal
adaptation organs first. Various phrases of Earthen
vernacular, gleaned from our television transmissions,
began to emit from their throats. "Wouldn't you like to
be a Pepper, too?" "I plead guilty, your honor." "Now
entering our courtroom..." "I've fallen and I can't get
up!" "We'll check them against our mobile anti-crime
fillllllllle in our Batmobile." "Obey Wario. DESTROY
MARIO!" "These are the voyages of the Starship
Enterprise." "Ishtar. Coming soon to a theater near
you." "No one! No one defies Golobulus and lives! NO
ONE!" "Everything tastes better. Mentos freshens. Mentos
freshens, with Mentos, fresh and full of life! MENTOS!
The fresh maker." They functioned perfectly. VAWOOMSH!
"Now, let's assume our facial disguises." Like Ohm,
Ogg had a blank, expressionless face. It wasn't that he
was a dullard; he just didn't have a face. Ohm, on the
other hand, was a terrific bore. They began searching
throughout the little remnants of the town, trying to find
some vestige of a face to assimilate. But everywhere they
looked, all they were greeted with were charred, fleshy
remains. Finally, Ohm found some books from the Waldens
bookstore in Innesfree that had amazingly escaped the
destruction. Ohm picked up the history book that laid at
his feet. Thumbing through it, he finally found a
photograph that had escaped the burning of the pages. He
shook and groaned loudly as his face went through major
contortions. The rest of his body spasmed in turn. After
all was said and done, Ohm had assumed the shape of
Bernito Mussolini, the man in the photograph that he had
found in the history book. He called his partner over.
"Ogg! Over here, damn you!" he cursed testing his command
of English. It didn't work. "I've found something here
to assimilate from. Search." He handed Ogg the book. Ogg
searched through it, but the only photo that had survived
was that of Mussolini, and that photo had disintegrated on
contact with the open air. VAWOOMSH!
Ogg and Ohm began another extensive search of the
area to try to find something that Ogg could assimilate.
After several minutes of search, Ogg found it. He picked
up the few surviving pages of the Penthouse magazine and
stopped at the first picture he came to. By the time Ogg
was finished, he assumed the naked form of Sandi Korn.
Being from an alien world, they no idea how odd they, in
fact, looked. So, from the smoking remains of the once
idyllic town of Innesfree, seven miles from Grover's Bend,
walked Bernito Mussolini and a naked woman. They had a
mission to complete ( much like Kate had had after leaving
Innesfree, where she left behind her own brand of
destruction, although not on as vast a scale as had Ohm
and Ogg ), and they would accomplish it for the glory of
the loving memory of Draxzed. VAWOOMSH!
The re-assembled Critters ( those that had survived )
were planning a different strategy this time around. Two
Critters would stay behind and fiddle with the Peltzers'
tractor, converting it into a matter/anti-matter
convertor, while the rest would go back into the house and
try to eat the meddling kids and their dog, Mushroom.
Having heard the humans in the house had gone to the upper
levels, they knew it wouldn't matter whether they came in
through the front door or not. So, they came in through
the front door, bashing it in, and the window that they
had broken earlier. They went over to another unbroken
window ( past the one that Groucho had broken in through
earlier ), broke it, went back outside, and entered in
through the window that they had just broken. As the tidy
housekeepers that they weren't, they didn't clean up the
broken glass, although they decided that it was prudent to
nail the door back into the doorway. VAWOOMSH!
Seeing the unconscious, writhing form of Rand, they
though, "Lunchtime!" When they got to him, they
discovered that he was almost to the point of lethargic.
His mouth had been wide open and his head lay to one side.
He was bathed in a pool of his own saliva. If there was
one thing that Critters couldn't stand about their meals,
was when they were covered in spit. They bounded their
happy, little ways up the staircase, only to bang into the
fortified doorway. "I hear them!" Kate said in such a
frightened manner that the game that was hiding her
intimates fell off. "I'm ready!" Billy defiantly
shouted, brandishing the hand grenade that he had pulled
from his secret stash of weapons that he kept hidden under
the bed. He had learned long ago, after the incident with
the Gremlins, to keep a steady supply of weapons on hand,
which was difficult to do what with Innesfree being seven
miles away. It would be even more annoying now with
Innesfree destroyed. Most boys keep a collection of
Playboys or Penthouses under their bed, or in filing
cabinets or in cardboard boxes, or in wooden cabinets.
Billy kept anti-personnel weapons in those places.
VAWOOMSH!
It was a moment of thick tension. Four humans
trapped in a bedroom while dozens of monstrous little
maniacs pounded their way outside. It was almost more
than Billy could handle. He passed out from fright.
Unfortunately, he dropped the hand grenade in the process.
He had already pulled the pin. The shiny metal of the
grenade shown like a bright sun for the now doomed
Peltzers and Adam West. The Critters continued to beat
away at the door as the seconds ticked by until the
grenade would explode!
This is the end of Critters: Rewritten III \ Escape from
the Critters. Will the grenade go off? Will Ogg and Ohm
make an appearance, satisfying your need for nudity? Will
the Critters finally wise up and move away to a more
populated area so they can have a free run on all the food
that they can eat? Find out in Critters: Rewritten IV \
Peltzers-Trapped!
Critters: Rewritten III \ Escape from the Critters @1992
by David Minter from the movie Critters @ 1986 New Line
Cinema, material from Critters: Rewritten \ The Setup and
Critters: Rewritten II \ The Hatchlings @1992 by David
Minter, and the concept of the Book and Record set @1984
Buena Vista Records.
Critters created by Chiodo Brothers Inc.
Critters @ 1986, 1988, 1991, 1992 by New Line Cinema.
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