About
Community
Bad Ideas
Drugs
Ego
Artistic Endeavors
But Can You Dance to It?
Cult of the Dead Cow
Literary Genius
Making Money
No Laughing Matter
On-Line 'Zines
Science Fiction
Self-Improvement
Erotica
Fringe
Society
Technology
register | bbs | search | rss | faq | about
meet up | add to del.icio.us | digg it

Critters: Rewritten V \ The Last Critter by: Dav









Critters: Rewritten V \ The Last Critter

Written 12-1-92 by: David Minter


Based on the movie Critters and material from Critters:
Rewritten IV \ Peltzers-Trapped, Critters: Rewritten III \
Escape from the Critters, Critters: Rewritten II \ The
Hatchlings, and Critters: Rewritten \ The Setup.



Critters: Rewritten V \ The Last Critter. Guest
staring the X-Men! Well, why not? It seems every other
piece of fiction these days guest stars the X-Men, and it
will help increase- No, boost sales! Even though they
won't actually appear in the story, it will LURE gullible
people into buying it, or at least take a look at it. So,
without further Boop-Boop-a-Doop, let's get busy!
VAWOOMSH!



Billy shook the old, Chinese man off of him and
stared at the towering entity looming before him. Billy
cursed. "What a tremendous amount of luck I'll need to
come out of this one alive!" Lightning flashed across the
sky. Dark clouds gathered. Birds fell dead from the sky
because the dark clouds were pure carbon monoxide. The
ground shook with a rapidly welling force. The very air
seemed charged with an evil energy. Fire fell from the
sky and engulfed the giant Critter. When the heat died
down, the creature seemed somewhat different. Its eyes
glowed brightly with an ominous foreboding. "I am Mentos,
the Evil One!" the giant Critter bellowed. VAWOOMSH!

Billy froze dead in his tracks. He had been milling
around aimlessly hoping the theory of probability would
give him an answer that he so desperately needed. It
hadn't. So, the giant monster's bellowing had caught his
attention for the moment. MENTOS! Corned beef was bad
enough, but why? WHY? Why is Mentos constantly being
mentioned? And then, there was the bit about the creature
calling himself the Evil One. "And I don't need the likes








of you puny humans interfering in my affairs!" Mentos
( ? ) raised a clawed fist to the sky and heavy winds
began to blow. The humans, being such frail beings, were
knocked aside like bricks. The alien bounty hunters, not
being human, easily withstood such an odd attack. They
walked over to the humans to comfort and, quite possibly,
cajole them. "Are you weaklings alright?" "Yeah. I
think. Just had the wind knocked out of us. Or should I
say, the wind just knocked us out. Where's Charlie?"
Billy asked. Charlie, being half human and half robot,
and sunk into the slightly soft ground. "Do you guys have
any idea what happened to that thing?" Mrs. Peltzer
shouted above the rising wind current. "Yes," Ohm shouted
back, thinking it was a strange Earth custom. "Critters do
that sometimes." VAWOOMSH!

It seems that from what little information Billy
could glean from the ramblings of Ohm, the Critters had
been working on changing the Peltzer's tractor into a
mater\anti-matter converter, but you all knew that. What
I didn't tell you, to keep some vestige of suspense alive,
was that they were going to use this converter to enlarge
their physical forms ( There is no way to expand a
Critter's mind. It is so minute. ) for a more effective
fighting force. What the Critters hadn't counted on was
that the tractor actually fought back. It put up a small
attack by squirting gasoline in the Critters' eyes, but
soon it ran out of gas and became an unwilling pawn in
this most dangerous game. What the Critter who didn't get
enlarged hadn't counted on was Mentos showing up. Of
course, the Critter had no idea who Mentos was, and
currently, you have very little knowledge on the subject,
so let's get back to the action. VAWOOMSH!

The remaining Critter tried to reason with his larger
counterpart in his own alien way, with those strange
thumbs to the eye. It kept trying to jump high enough to
reach the eyes, but it was impossible. Eventually, the
bounding little idiot finally got Mentos's attention, much
to the chagrin of the other Critter. "You, little one,
were only the final catalyst in my resurrection. I have
no further use for you." With a wave of his claw, Mentos
turned the Critter into a one piece bikini. "Just as he
was the catalyst," Mentos began, pointing at the bikini.
"You were the key to my release from eternal prison!" He
turned dramatically, pointing to Ohm and Ogg. The bounty
hunters were not standing near each other, so Mentos grew
an extra arm for the occasion. After he had waited for a
length that he felt sufficient to let the gravity of the
situation sink in, the arm retreated back into the body.
VAWOOMSH!









"I do not understand what you mean," Adam uttered.
"OF COURSE YOU DON'T!" Mentos screeched. "You're a
human, and humans are pathetic dolts who, by a sheer
stroke of luck, were able to lock me away for 40,000
years. Do you know what it's like to be shut out from the
outside world, without a purpose or a job, for 40
millennia?!" "No," Adam began. "But I do know what it
feels like to be such for 40 years." "Forty years? I did
40 years once standing on my head... because I had nothing
better to do! Oh, they trapped me with some entertainment
alright! Feeling it was too cruel to keep me away for
eternity without some form diversion, they locked in some
skunks and stink weed plants to keep me company! DO YOU
HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT KIND OF COMPANY A STINK WEED MAKES?!"
"Actually . . ." Adam confessed. "WHAT DO I CARE IF YOU
KNOW MY PLIGHT! All that matters now is that I am free to
wreak my revenge!" VAWOOMSH!

There is a theory that states any object in the
universe can be extrapolated from any other object in the
universe through a piece of fairy cake ( courtesy of D.
Adams ). Keep this in mind. It will come back to haunt
you. Kate asked, "Why are you out for revenge? I think
the world would be a much better place if we all stopped
thirsting after revenge. Then, we all could devote more
time to basket weaving." Ohm began to not like Kate. She
was sounding a lot those long-haired galactic hippies that
kept asking for war in a time of peace. He brought up his
rifle and was about to blow Kate off the face of the coin
that is our universe, when Mentos spoke. "Why? WHY?!
I'll tell you why, leaving myself open to a, if you humans
were smart enough to see it, frontal attack." "YEAH. I
NOTICED THAT, TOO." Charcutous speakered. VAWOOSH!

Back on HCBDVII, the warden was going through his
hourly security routine. He hated to do it, but it was
the easiest thing that he could think of doing that made
it appear to his supervisors that he was doing his job.
The camera passed the cell containing Davros. The camera
passed the cell containing the small, pink cube. The
camera passed the empty cell. The camera passed the cell
containing Rhich'rd N'yksin. Only now, it was like the
cell preceding it... empty! VAWOOMSH!

"Forty thousand years ago, when the glory of Cobra-la
dominated this planet, and before the Age of Ice destroyed
much of what they had built, I was living far away from
all of that. ( For those of you less quick-witted ones
out there, we're back on Earth and this is Mentos
speaking. ) I was busy putting my then tiny, little mind
to the task of learning the Black Arts. Many of my








colleagues at the university told me that I should develop
another hobby. They said, "Instead of learning a Black
Art, learn a martial art." But I wouldn't listen!
Eventually, I developed all the spells that I could under
my blind ninja master. So, I destroyed him when he
couldn't teach me anything anymore. I taught him one last
lesson. Unfortunately, the blind ninja master was the
mayor of the little village that I decided to perfect my
Black Arts in. I lived in-" "Oh please don't let him say
Innesfree!" Mrs. Peltzer complained. "-Innesfree!"
Mentos completed. Mrs. Peltzer fell to her knees,
breaking them in the process, and beat her fists in the
dirt with frustration. Eventually though, she learned to
enjoy it thoroughly. VAWOOMSH!

"That was when Innesfree's greatest champion, Bandu,
stepped forward. He challenged me to one of his silly,
little games. All I had to do was buy geometric shapes
with these little raisin things and use the pieces until I
had run out. But I would lose if my stack of shapes
toppled. That was when Lady Luck decided to put her
stinking, gangrene-ridden foot into my business! I had
used up my last Bandu and was about to put my final piece
into place, when a gust of wind blew a feather off of a
nearby chicken. It flew under Bandu's nose and he sneezed
right in my face. Still my stack held firm. But, his
sneeze just happened to capture some new strain of lockjaw
bacteria from the air. It was a particularly nasty
strain. It multiplied and replicated instantly when it
came into contact with tonsils. I was the only man in the
village who hadn't had my tonsils taken out." VAWOOMSH!

"Needless to say, I began writhing and spasming from
tetinitis. My free hand, holding the Bandu piece, hurled
the shape into my stack. It toppled. Not just toppled,
but Bandu used his magic to slow down time so that it fell
in slow motion, mocking my incredible run of bad luck. In
shame, I was shackled. First, a piece of duct tape was
placed over my mouth so that I couldn't utter any spells.
To be doubly safe, they cut off my hands to make sure that
I wouldn't fire energy bolts at them. Then, they killed
me as a precaution. Bandu then banished my soul, with his
magic, to that dark place filled with skunks and stink
weeds. The town of Innesfree was expanded and built over
the exit of my prison. It then became the sworn duty of
every Innessfrean to keep my immortal evil from escaping!
For 40,000 years they succeeded. But a bizarre sequence
of events opened the pathway to my freedom!" VAWOOMSH!

"First, the second to the last mayor of Innesfree, a
direct descendant of Bandu, was eaten alive by wolves.








Next, came the twin points of light. And the massive
crash freed me! There was a prophecy that Bandu told
shortly after my entombment... 'When the dogs of doom come
to devour the line of Bandu, beware. The first sun shall
show the way. Destroy the Evil Ones before the coming of
the second light, or it will be too late. The end of the
Earth has already arrived.' It was constantly being
misquoted by the mayors of Innesfree. And now the time
has come... come... c-c-c-come! The bounty hunters' ship
destroyed the lock binding me! The strange little being
created a form that could only hold the hate that I have
built up over 40,000 years! AND I SHALL UNLEASH THAT
HATRED UPON ALL DENIZENS OF THE EARTH!" VAWOOMSH!

Rand came stumbling out of the house. That was when
he caught sight of the monstrosity that was poised to rid
the Earth of its least valuable commodity, its
inhabitants. Upon being able to take in the full impact
of Mentos's size, he commented quite eloquently on the
subject. "What the hell is that?" Mentos thrust his arms
out before him, pointing towards the Peltzers' house.
Pillars of flame and columns of smoke were focused into
his hands from and through the air. Force beams hurtled
from his fingertips and struck the house. For a single,
solitary instant, nothing happened. The destructive force
contained within the molecules of the house was welling
up. The next second was another matter altogether.
Windows, what few remained, shattered and glass flew
through the air as planks and mortar came raining down.
The house imploded, collapsing in on itself, resumed its
original shape, and then exploded! VAWOOMSH!

Rand was flung through the air by the force of the
blast. Once again, like Rand I before him, he fell into
an unconscious heap on the ground. "Whew!" Billy
breathed a sigh of relief as the reassuring fact finally
sunk in. "I was getting a little worried there." He
turned to Kate. "There's no need to worry. Last time, I
was able to defeat the monsters that were going to inherit
the Earth. I stopped them, and I can stop... that" he
said, pointing his thumb in Mentos's general direction.
"Yes, I shall stop him. As with the Gremlins and the
zombies before them, I will stop them . . . alone!" Billy
clenched his fist, and turned to Mentos. "Evil One,
you're going down!" "Must there always be some idiots who
just can't see when they've lost?" Mentos 'must there
always be some idiots who just can't see when they've
lost'-ed. He pointed the fingertips of one hand at Billy
and red colored acid shot forth at him. Luckily, Billy
was still wearing his acid-proof ( and 90 proof ) jacket.
That was one reason why he had such bad hygiene. He
rarely changed his clothes. Billy psyched himself up for








a tremendous battle that was sure to follow. Mentos
brought a massive ten foot wide fist down on Billy,
killing him outright. VAWOOMSH!


Billy found himself in Valhalla again. Rand I was
there again with words of encouragement. "FOOL!" Rand I
encouraged. "I know you thought we prepared you for your
destiny with your fight with Stripe. Actually, we were
keeping you alive long enough to fulfill your destiny."
"OH NO! Not again! Let me guess. My destiny is to
defeat Mentos, the Evil One." "No." "No?" "No. Adam
West was supposed to defeat the Evil One single-handedly.
But then you showed up, and the Critters, and those two
alien bounty hunters. Oh, and Charlie. We mustn't forget
Charlie." "You just love to make my life miserable, don't
you?" "Nope. We just got to keep you alive long enough
to complete your true quest." "And what if I just allow
Mentos to kill me again?" "Then we give you a good
talking to and send you back." "And if I keep continuing
along that line?" "We keep continuing along our line."
"Got it. Send me back." "Right. Remember my son, Billy,
Rand I loves ya!" VAWOOMSH!

Billy's body emerged from the hole created by
Mentos's pounding, slightly worse for wear. Kate ran over
to Billy, breasts ( Kate's, not Billy's ) bouncing away.
"Got a plan yet?" she asked. "Nope." "Don't worry." Ohm
called out, long distance. "Let our friends here handle
this monster!" Ohm and Ogg raised their rifles at Mentos
and fired madly and, might I add, happily away. The porous
bullet wounds in Mentos's Critter body began spewing blood
in heavy torrents. The bounty hunters were swept
momentarily away in the flood of bodily fluid. VAWOOMSH!

"I'LL PUT AN END TO THIS RIGHT HERE AND NOW!"
Charcutous challenged. "NOT THAT I CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO
YOU PELTZERS. YOU PUT ME IN THIS CONDITION!" He raised
his prosthetic weapons arm. "BUT, NOBODY FLOODS MY
FRIENDS AWAY AND GETS AWAY WITH IT!" "How can they be
your friends?" Billy argued. "You've only just met
them?!" "ANYBODY WHO SHOWS AS MUCH CONTEMPT FOR YOU AS
THEY SEEM TO DO IS MY FRIEND!" Charcutous, after having
built up enough power in his leg attachments, sprang out
of the hole that he had sunken into and onto Mentos's
shoulder. He fired up his plasma torch attachment and
stuck it right in Mentos's ear. It really didn't hurt
him, just annoyed him. With a wave of his magic hand,
Mentos shorted out all of Charcutous's motor circuits.
Charcutous began writhing around in a way that almost
seemed to be a perfect imitation of Michael Jackson.








Mentos reached over his shoulder and picked Charcutous up
by the neck. Taking one of his now limp legs, he turned
Charcutous into a weather vane by sticking that leg
through the roof of the Peltzers' farm. VAWOOMSH!

All Billy could do was stare in awe as Mentos took
out his "fellow freedom fighters" left and right. The
old, Chinese man came up behind him and placed a hand on
his shoulder. "Is that the thing-" ( pointed to the huge
Critter. "- that's keeping me from slaughtering you right
here and now?" "Take a good look at it, pal. You won't
be around much longer to see it!" "Is that a challenge?
Because if it is, I will take you out here and now,
despite the outside inconveniences!" "I meant that he'll
put you out." ( turned and stared into the face of
Mentos. Hatred was burning in both of their eyes. The
old, Chinese man quickly whipped out a jar of pickled
beets from his kimono and hurled it at Mentos. Mentos
screamed, not in pain but in consternation at the fact
that such a lowly creature would actually have the
audacity to hurl a jar of something at his magnificence.
( used the time he had bought to attack head on...
literally. He grabbed his head by the ears and tossed it
like a medicine ball at Mentos. The creature opened his
mouth and swallowed ('s head. It rolled down his
esophagus and splashed into the digestive juices in his
stomach. Letting peristaltic movements do their duty,
Mentos ejected the old, Chinese man's head through one of
the bullet wounds in his chest. ('s decided that he'd
wait and see who'd win and then join their side. He
desperately wished that Mentos would win. VAWOOMSH!

Adam West took one lasting look at Mentos, turned on
his heels and ran cowardly back home. "Now that all
bastions of resistance to me have been effectively
removed," Mentos gloated. "I can set about destroying
this miserable, insignificant world!" Before Billy's
startled eyes, Mentos used his powers in much the same way
that Groucho does. The globe that Billy kept in his
bedroom to remind him of all the places that he would
never visit in his lifetime floated up from the rubble of
the Peltzers' house. Red beams of pure evil burst from
Mentos's eyes and struck the globe. A hex was placed on
the globe and, through Douglas Adams's postulate on the
theory of universal fairy cake extrapolation, the Earth
itself as well. VAWOOMSH!

"This awful little world will cease to exist in about
three minutes," Mentos told them. "I tell you this so
that in case you wish to pray for your useless souls, you
may have a little time to repent." "What-" Billy whated








and then checked his watch to see just how much time he
had left to pray. He would need all the time he could
muster. "Since you have only two minutes and 46 seconds
left to live, and since I know what you are going to ask,
I'll tell you. I have placed a curse on this entire
planet, extrapolated through this globe, a representation
of the actual Earth. I am attracting approximately 4,356
asteroids and 71 planetoids to the Earth. Approximately.
In shortly over two minutes, they will strike the Earth
like ball bearings in a physics experiment, attracted to
this world like a magnet! They will smash into it,
rending it from pole to pole, continent to continent,
until this miserable planet that has given me nothing but
grief is gone!" It was at about that time that the white
light seemed to engulfed all of time and space around them
because that's exactly what the white light did. VAWOOMSH!

An unknown amount of time later, Billy revived. He
wondered how long he had been out. It must have been
under two minutes. He didn't see Rand I so he wasn't dead
and, therefore, the Earth must still be here, the space
debris not having struck it yet. But how much under two
minutes?! Quickly, he checked his Bob Braun caricature
watch. It was eighteen minutes off! Eighteen minutes?
What was the significance behind eighteen? He had always
thought, for some odd reason, that the number forty-two
had some cosmic meaning ( He also had a theory about the
number thirteen. He actually proved it through a
scientific experiment, but the villagers of Innesfree had
burned his works as the heretic of a warlock. ), but
eighteen? And it wasn't just him. Kate and Mentos were
reviving as well. Billy thought that maybe Rand I and God
were extending his life so that he could defeat this evil
and move on to the next. Anyway, it bought Billy time to
stall for more time to come up with a way to think of a
way to stop Mentos. He had another theory that an answer
to every problem lies somewhere in the human brain. All
one has to do is get the brain, through some form of
outside stimulus, to make the answer surface. Billy began
gathering the necessary tools that he would need to try
out his latest hunch. VAWOOMSH!

Kate placed her hand to her temple and massaged it
gently. She pondered on how nice that felt and wondered
if massaging other parts of her anatomy would feel as
good. She would have to try it out with Billy sometime.
"Kate!" Billy's voice, slightly twinged with anger,
brought her fully around. "Hand me that portable phone."
Kate looked down to where he was pointing. There beside
her hand ( and besides her hand ) was a portable phone,
covered in some debris. She reached into the pile and
extracted the phone. "Here," she handed Billy the phone.








Billy had gathered the other parts he needed: a pipe
cleaner, a key, and the condom that he had in his pocket.
VAWOOMSH!

Billy wrapped the pipe cleaner around the key,
leaving enough to allow him to hold the key away from his
hand at a safe distance. Taking the portable phone, Billy
pulled up the antenna, set the mode to READY, and placed
it face down on the ground. Carefully, holding the pipe
cleaner away from his body, Billy touched the key to the
metal recharging clip to the back of the phone. Next, he
placed the condom through one of the holes in a nearby
brick. Slipping his finger in the condom, he waited. That
was when he noticed the bowl of Mentos that he had thrown
out the window earlier in the evening. From nearby,
Mentos bellowed, "I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'VE DONE, BILLY
PELTZER, OR WHERE THAT MISSING EIGHTEEN MINUTES WENT, BUT
THAT WON'T STOP ME!" It didn't. In a matter of minutes,
Mentos located where the asteroids ( which were actually
intelligent forms of life ) had strayed to, and had them
re-directed back towards the Earth. VAWOOMSH!

"Lightning!" Billy shouted. "Huh?" Kate asked him.
"LIGHTNING!" "Oh," Kate decided that it was best, at
times like this, to leave Billy to his own devices.
"Lightning. Lightning! I NEED LIGHTNING!" Billy shouted
into the air. He got his lightning, all right. From
Mentos. Mentos was rapidly losing his patience and his
mind worrying over Billy. He hated to worry. So he would
have to deal with Billy. Bolts streaked down from the
ominous, black, carbon monoxide clouds overhead. They
converged on the antenna of the portable phone. Their
energy surged up through the phone and was conducted
through Billy's body from the key and down the pipe
cleaner. His finger through the condom kept him from
being electrocuted. As odd a procedure as this may seem,
it was the exact catalyst that his brain needed to dig the
answer out of its deepest recesses. And this time around,
he easily shook off the influence of the Swedish Bikini
Team that always affected him after electric shocks.
VAWOOMSH!

Billy applied that theorem I told you about earlier
to the current situation. Grabbing the bowl that had
earlier housed after dinner mints, he tossed it at the
globe. It struck the globe, causing it slide a little to
the left. Being that the Earth was hexed through the hex
placed on the globe, anything done to the globe would be
done to the Earth. So, the entire planet Earth shifted
several thousand miles out of its orbit. amazingly
enough, no serious repercussions occurred from such a








dramatic change in the physical make-up of the solar
system. The only noticeable change was that many more
people were beginning to win the Publisher's Clearing
House Sweepstakes. And what of the errant space matter
hurtling towards our world? Well, the planet shifted
about seven seconds before the debris would have hit it.
The mass continued on its misguided way, eventually
plunging into the sun and greatly reducing its property
value on the galactic real estate market. VAWOOMSH!

Mentos, needless to say, was angry. "Looks like I'll
have to do this the old fashioned way." he grumbled. He
rushed over to Kate. Slinging her under his arm, he
started carrying her off. Kate screamed for Billy. He
turned and saw the monster carrying off the one he loved.
Mentos stretched his hand out and the very ground erupted
upward to form an altar. "Believe me," he said to Kate.
"I really do not want to have to do this. I tried
science, but sometimes you've just got to get your hands
dirty." He slammed Kate down on the stone edifice. "I
try to think of myself above such Machiavellian
techniques." He stretched out his hand and a dagger
materialized from a puff of smoke on his palm. Snatching
the knife's handle, he drew the weapon up over his head.
He was going to sacrifice Kate to the gods. VAWOOMSH!

"STOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!" Billy shouted, stretching out
his outstretched hand and running towards Mentos. "WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?!" "Even you can see what I'm going to do.
I'm going to sacrifice a virgin to the gods of darkness
and bring about the destruction of Earth the way my daddy
used to do. God, you're so anal!" "Won't do you any
good!" Billy blurted out. Mentos raised the knife
higher. "What do you mean it won't do me any good?" he
asked consternated, lowering the dagger and turning
towards Billy. "Kate's not a virgin." "WHAT?!?" Mentos
shrieked. "Yes," Kate replied. "Look." Mentos looked.
"DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! Oops! That's where I used to
live." He snatched Kate up in one of his mighty claws and
tossed her at Billy. Billy and Kate tumbled down in a
tangle of arms and legs, much like the tangle of arms and
legs that resulted from their love making. "NOW WHAT AM I
GOING TO DO?!" Mentos yelled into the very heavens,
angered that all his attempts at a simple task such as the
destruction of Earth had turned out to be so difficult.
"You're going to die, bastard!" Adam West called out to
him in defiance. VAWOOMSH!

Mentos turned to see the annoying failure of an
actor, dressed in some old, moth-eaten costume that
resembled a bat. "I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS!" Adam did the








Batootsie right in front of Mentos. At first it just
confused him, but as the stupid dance went along, it
annoyed him and finally angered him. What he didn't
expect, as I'm sure you weren't, was the bolt of pure
white light that shot out of Adam West's eyes when his
fingers did an outline of his Bat mask towards the end of
the Batootsie. VAWOOMSH!

The light, which was a shaft of pure, undiluted good,
struck Mentos right in his weak spot, his prostate. He
howled in sheer, utter hell-bound pain as the beam began
to do its work. Billy finally saw the spark, that little
flame of ingenuity kick in. He searched around his feet
and found some of the Mentos candies spread out about his
feet. It could have been just an amazing coincidence, but
it was worth a try. Snatching up a handful of the mints,
he launched them with almost javelin like precision into
Mentos's now wide open ( from screaming in pain ) mouth.
The evil creature closed his mouth and put his hands to
his stomach. The flesh there writhed grotesquely as loud
squishing sounds emanated from its throat. With a huge
sound of water flushing down a toilet, Mentos belched and
the ground shook for miles around. Tiny bubbles escaped
his lips. He stood there staring blankly ahead for about
eighteen seconds, and then said, "I feel so much better."
He promptly fell flat on his face, dead from a Mentos
overdose. VAWOOMSH!

Adam walked over to Billy, his hand stretched out
awaiting a shake of triumph. "Hey, Peltzer! Great job!
Fast thinking!" Adam stopped when Billy refused to return
the gratuity. "I bet you thought I ran away in cowardice.
Actually, I ran home to get my cowl. It is the source of
my few powers." Billy just continued to hotly stare into
Adam's eyes, contempt welling up in them. "Well, surely
you must admit it was my good beam that helped to put
Mentos out for the count." Billy stared uninterestedly
into Adam's eyes for a length of time that worried Adam.
Finally, Billy pulled out a hand gun and shot Adam right
in the palm of the hand that he had outstretched for a
handshake. Adam withdrew his hand and put his good hand
over the wound, trying to stop the flow of blood there.
"That was a warning shot," Billy calmly stated. "Go
away." Adam knew how to take a cue, he just couldn't act
a good fight. Using a Bat-pellet to provide a smokescreen
cover for his escape just in case Billy decided to change
his mind and he had extra ammunition, ADAM WEST LEFT THE
PARTY. VAWOOMSH!

Billy picked Kate up and hugged her naked form
fondly, savoring the feel of her nipples on his chest.








Then, Ohm and Ogg finally found their way back, ruining
this wonderfully tactful moment. "Well," Billy began,
annoyed. "I guess you're off! Back to where ever from up
there-" Billy waived his hand in the air. "-you two come
from. By the way, where do you two come from?" "HCBDVII,"
Ohm answered. Billy turned to Kate. "Did he just say
'Abfarht,' the German word for departure?" Ohm started to
head back for his space craft at the remains of Innesfree,
when Ogg stopped him. "Can we take him along?" he said,
pointing to Charcutous, himself pointing in the direction
the wind was blowing which, amazingly enough, was up. Ohm
though for a minute and then turned to Billy. "If he can
survive being with these . . . PELTZERS ( He stressed
Peltzers with such contempt. ) and live with the fact that
he looks like Death's Head, our estimable counterpart,
he'll prove to be a good ally. Charcutous couldn't
believe it when he finally came to. Not only had some
total strangers shown enough kindness to extract him from
the rooftop, but they agreed to take him along, back to
HCBDVII and give him some purpose in life. That was what
he really needed. VAWOOMSH!

Billy felt a hand tap his shoulder and then chop him
a good clip in the back of the neck. Massaging the now
sore part of his neck, Billy turned over off of his
stomach and faced the old, Chinese man. He stared down at
him with contempt. "Now, if you two are finished with
these frivolities, can I have my Mogwai back." "We don't
have him." "He can't be allowed to remain in your
incapable hands. GIVE ME BACK MY MOGWAI!" ( shouted. "I
told you I don't have... it!" "YES, YOU DO! YOU'RE
HOLDING BACK ON ME! HE'S MINE! I'LL SUE!" "You won't
win," Billy calmly pronounced. "We have such a sly
lawyer that he was able to legally get us a slave!" The
old, Chinese man held his head down in defeat. Not even
his political savvy could withstand such a record. ( had
entered a state of such utter despair that the part of his
mind that consciously held his detachable head onto his
shoulders waned. His head fell to the dirt ground with a
thud. Billy picked up the old, Chinese head and stared
into it. "Look, can't you get it through your thick, chow
mien skull? I DON'T HAVE IT! He went rabid and I had to
throw him out the window. Last I saw of him, I heard him
cursing incomprehensibly and scurrying off in that
direction." Billy pointed towards where Innesfree used to
stand. With a new feeling of purpose, ( snatched his head
back from Billy, screwed it back on, and turned towards
where Billy was pointing. "That's mine!" he shouted,
making reference to his head. The old, Chinese man walked
into the distance, saying "YOU ARE NOT READY!" repeatedly
once again. VAWOOMSH!









The sun was beginning to rise over the smoldering
remains of what was once the Peltzers' home. "I can't
believe it!" Mrs. Peltzer said through blubbering tears.
"That's three houses, and a farm, lost in just under a
year." Billy tried to comfort his now hysterical mother,
but seeing that an impossible endeavor, jocularly punched
her in the mouth. "Don't worry, dear," Rand comforted
her, doing a much better job than Billy. "Fate will step
in. Fate has kept us and our son safe through two
terrifying, world-threatening ordeals, so I don't think it
will be too much of a strain for it to give us a new place
to reside." The sound a large star drive filled the air.
"See. That's probably fate now." Rand closed his eyes,
stuck his chin out, and assumed a posture of supreme
confidence, knowing that he was right. He soon assumed
the posture of an utter fool when saw Ohm's spaceship
flying overhead. VAWOOMSH!

The craft hovered over the wooden planks that the
Peltzers had once called home. Myriad beams of orange
light were emitted from the belly of the ship, each beam
striking a single piece of debris. The force beams
manipulated each piece individually, gradually making the
pieces fit together like some massive jigsaw puzzle. The
Peltzers and Kate watched in amazement as the house
rebuilt itself! It was like watching the house crumble
apart in reverse and in slow motion. In a matter of
minutes, Ohm and Ogg had rebuilt the Peltzers' house! The
ship hovered over the house as if inspecting its own
handiwork, and then sped off into the sky for travels
unknown! The Peltzers waived at the rapidly shrinking
ship. "Oh, Rand. Isn't it wonderful!? Our old house,
well, it's not exactly our old house, but it's a house,
nonetheless!" The sun's ray peered over the roof of the
Peltzers' house. Even the chicken coop had been rebuilt!
"Those aliens certainly are nice," Rand thought. The
Peltzers just stared at their house for awhile, admiring
its like new shine. Then, Ohm's ship returned. It
hovered over the house again and then zapped it with a
demolition beam, reducing it to even more rubble than it
was before! Charcutous's voice boomed out over the ships
PA system. "JUST KIDDING!" The ship then turned and sped
along its merry way, once again. VAWOOMSH!

It was more than the grief-stricken Mrs. Peltzer
could bear. She fell to her knees, which hurt her
tremendously because they were broken. Actually, she
didn't fall. Rand and Billy, who were holding her up,
just left her there and let her drop. "I can't take it
anymore! Four houses, two barns, and three chicken coops!
The insurance company's never gonna believe this! I had
enough trouble convincing them the first time! Why?








WHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYY?!!!!!!" She engaged in her now
favorite sport, repeatedly and purposelessly beating the
ground. Rand and Billy went to find a decent place to
sleep for the night. Billy snuck into Adam West's house
and slept on his couch, but not without leaving a failure
notice on his acting on the table in the morning. Rand
used some of the debris of his old house to invent a
temporary structure for sleeping. He called it a tent.
VAWOOMSH!

In the upper echelons of our atmosphere, Ohm prepared
to leave one last reminder to the people of Earth that
there were other forms of life out there, all of them
better than they are. He put the box in the re-entry
shield generator. It was designed to deliver packages by
UPS, the Universal Packing Society, through the
atmosphere, thus eliminating the need for post offices and
packaging. The shield would protect the cargo from the
heat of re-entry to a planet through its atmosphere. The
box was coated with the black heat resistant substance and
then launched back to the Earth through the garbage chute.
VAWOOMSH!

Later that night, everyone was sleeping peacefully.
Rand was enjoying his new found tent. Billy and Kate were
sleeping with each other in Adam West's house. And Mrs.
Peltzer was wonderfully sleeping in her hospital bed under
the influence of the sedatives that the psychotherapists
that had come to take her away ( Ha! Ha! ) had
administered to her. Yes. After such a hard day of
Critter fighting and battling the greatest evil the world
had seen ( yet ), they deserved a night of rest. They'll
need it. You won't believe what I have planned for these
poor, unsuspecting fools! Anyway, the point that I am
trying to make here is that they were all so soundly
asleep that the sound of the object falling out of the
Earth's atmosphere and crashing near the Peltzer's corn
field went unheeded. The fire it created miraculously was
contained to the corn in the field, so that when the
Peltzers and Kate awoke the next morning, they found a
blanket of popcorn. It was such a wonderful reminder of
home. VAWOOMSH!

Billy and Kate strolled through the still burning
remnants of the Peltzer's corn field the following night.
Billy staring at the stars and Kate's still nakedness.
"Billy," Kate cooed, staring into Billy's eyes that now
reflected the moonlight like a cat's. "You were
terrific!" "I know," Billy answered as he drew Kate to
him and explored her mouth with his tongue. "I meant, you
were great in your battle with Mentos." "Oh," Billy








sighed dejectedly. "But, that doesn't mean you weren't
GREAT." Billy laughed and kissed Kate passionately. I
had contemplated putting in a joke like a voice softly
whispering to Billy, "If you screw her, you will come!"
I honestly had. But not even I could sully such a
wonderfully touching moment as this. Enjoy it while you
can, folks! They won't last. VAWOOMSH!

Far away in the depths of interstellar space, Ohm,
Ogg, and Charcutous sped towards HCBDVII to collect their
reward and await new challenges. The communication screen
flickered to life. HCBDVII's warden wanted to chat. "Have
you disposed of the Krites yet?" he asked the bounty
hunters, pointing his newly acquired prosthetic tentacle
at them. "Yep." Ohm answered. "Got your proof right
here." Ogg held up the Evidence Collection Unit for the
warden to see, and placed it in the transport device. In a
matter of nanoseconds, the device had drained the gooey
soup that was the remains of the Critters and transmitted
it, via hyper-space, to the awaiting scientists on
HCBDVII. Their various scientific things had deduced,
just as rapidly, that the crap sent to them did in fact
contain Criterous Nomenclatareaus DNA. "Well done!" the
warden congratulated them. "And now, as per our
agreement, I will pay you your forty-two pylons." The
warden was about to insert his Bank of Debit credit card
in the transmitter, when he dramatically removed it. He
had prepared for this moment, rehearsing it repeatedly to
try to milk out all the suspense that he could from the
moment. This is, in fact, what all policemen do, either
in public or in private self-help meetings. "Wanna go
double or nothing?" VAWOOMSH!

"Double or nothing?" Ohm asked. It appealed to his
sporting, brown blood, but something about it didn't seem
right. There had to be a catch. "Depends," Ohm finally
said after much deliberation. "Who's the target?" "I'm
sendin' ya' a schematic of the target across the Trans
right now." The transmitter receiving station on board
Ohm's ship began clacking away as it made an exact
duplicate of the piece of paper that the warden had placed
into his transmitter sending station on HCBDVII. Ogg tore
off the still warm sheet and stared at it thoughtfully for
a single moment. He grinned massively, turning the photo
of the target to Ohm and Charcutous. They studied the
picture of the old man dressed in a blue costume with a
cape and a cowl in the shape of a bat's head. They looked
at each other and then at Ogg. They all turned back to
the screen. "Well? What is your decision? I'll
understand if you refuse it, because we have absolutely no
info on where the target is at the moment. So, we can't
give you much help." Ohm grinned. "Oh, that won't be








much of a problem." He grasped the controls firmly, and
sped back towards Earth. VAWOOMSH!

Billy was taking a relaxing stroll around the farm
that morning, reveling in the glorious fact that Charlie
was gone. That was when he noticed the crater in the
ground. He rushed over to it, fearing the worst. Peering
over the edge of the crater, Billy saw the small, black
box that was about as big as a Game Boy, just a little
larger. He ran his fingers over the keyboard just below
the screen on the box. As his thumb brushed against the
red switch with the funny letters above it, it beeped.
Billy dropped the device in surprise. It isn't everyday
that a strange box from an even stranger crater beeps at
you. After waiting what seemed a reasonable amount of
time to see if the box was going to destroy the Earth or
all mankind or something annoying like that, Billy
approached the box again, cautiously. The screen had come
to life! Red lines and bars were dashing their merry way
across it, gradually forming letters. Billy picked up the
small device with one hand and peered in wonderment at the
screen, pondering what the strange message that appeared
on it could possibly mean. The screen blazed back at him
"Don't Panic!" in large friendly letters.









This is the end of the series. And I bet some of you are
glad that it's finally over. And some of you are offended
that the sex jokes didn't get further expansion. Well,
I'll show you. I'LL SHOW YOU ALL! There's no way that
I'm gonna stop now! Be here in thirty ( either days,
months, or years ) for Gremlins II: Rewritten, yet another
five part installment in this annoying series!























Critters: Rewritten V \ The Last Critter @1992 by David
Minter from the movie Critters @ 1986 New Line Cinema,
material from Critters: Rewritten \ The Setup, Critters:
Rewritten II \ The Hatchlings @1992, Critters: Rewritten
III \ Escape from the Critters @1992, and Critters:
Rewritten IV \ Peltzers-Trapped @1992 by David Minter, and
the concept of the Book and Record set @1984 Buena Vista
Records.



Critters created by Chiodo Brothers Inc.

Critters @ 1986, 1988, 1991, 1992 by New Line Cinema.





This series is dedicated to the living memory of the
failures of Adam West.














 
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.

 

totse.com certificate signatures
 
 
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
Hot Topics
Neutral English Accent
ah le francais...
Most amount of languages someone can learn
what language do you like to hear?
On a certain annoyance of speaking English..
GPP is bad grammar
Les Verbes Rares Francais! Aidez-moi!
Words that piss you Off
 
Sponsored Links
 
Ads presented by the
AdBrite Ad Network

 

TSHIRT HELL T-SHIRTS