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How to Write Good Files
Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions presents . . .
"How to Write Good"
An essay on quality writing
INTRODUCTION
------------
Thiz phile will sho u how 2 rite good like de fokes at
Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions. Thiz phile iz phor peeple who want to
lern to rite propheshunelly. 4 de leightest news and copies of
Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions philes, u can rite to the pholloing
adrez.
[ Bluejeans: Stop that, Maxx! You're being silly! ]
[ Dedaparamaxx: That's my JOB, dammit ]
[ BJ: Well stop taking yourself so seriously! ]
[ Dedaparamaxx: Thhhhhhb!! ]
And now, on with the show.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
How to Write Good
Like many intensely famous authors, we here at Dedaparmaxxaginos
Productions have received a veritable torrent of letters (count to
date: two) asking us, in some way or another, "How do I learn to write
like the staff of Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions and how do I make
three zillion dollars from such writings."
Well, my friends, you have come to the right place! Most
intensely famous authors get real philosophical about this question.
"You write what's in your heart," some say. "You take the words in
your head and arrange them in a meaningful way on the paper," some
say. "Leave me alone!" some say. Still others say "Duuuuh."
Do not fear! We here at Dedaparmaxxaginos Productions have
prepared for you budding writers a set of guidelines that are
GUARANTEED to bring you IMMEDIATE literary fame (just what KIND of
fame, we can't say). We won't leave you hanging with answers like the
ones in the above paragraph!
But of course, the most IMPORTANT writing lesson that can be
taught is one that you have to learn yourself. Namely: don't
practice. People who practice writing, people who sit at a keyboard
all day and spew out word after word NEVER get famous. You should
only write when you have NO IDEAS at all. That's how we do it here.
Our motto is: "Wing it." We know, we know, it's not very imaginative,
or even very good, but it's OUR motto dammit...but we digress...
Rules for the Actual Writing
Rule #1:
--------
Don't spell words correctly in your writing. In fact, if you
spell a word correctly, even if it's in the LAST sentence of your
story, you should destroy the whole thing and start from scratch.
Just that ONE correctly-spelled word, no matter HOW well you cover it
with whiteout, can DESTROY the literary value of your story.
Rule #2:
--------
Belch a lot. A scientific study <*> that we conducted proves
beyond a shadow of a doubt that belching a great deal while writing
enhances the quality of the words on the paper. Before you sit down
to your computer, notepad, or typewriter, you should drink/eat a lot
of one of the following things:
o Arm and Hammer baking soda. This will build up TREMENDOUS
amounts of gas in your stomach and is guaranteed to make you
belch a lot.
o Beer (the substance of choice for the authors here at
Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions). Beer is good because in
addition to producing LOTS of good, hearty belches, it also
stimulates those creative juices (see Rule #3).
o Tortilla Chips. Don't ask us why this works, but it does.
Make sure to put lots of hot peppers and cheese on top, or the
effects are diluted.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
<*>
This scientific study was conducted on the staff of
Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions and in NO WAY reflects the belching
capacity of other intensely famous publishing houses.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Rule #3:
--------
Be sure to take a whole lot of mind-altering substances before
writing. Be sure that your brain is good and toasty before you even
THINK about writing. Beer is a good choice for this.
Rule #4:
--------
Use a lot of swear words in your writing. However, you must also
be creative about it. Study the following examples.
WRONG:
"And then he fucking went fucking shit down to the goddam river
bank where he fucking fucked her goddam brains out!"
RIGHT:
"And then he fucking went fucking shit down to the goddam river
bank where he fucking fucked her goddam cunt dry!"
Rule #5:
--------
Proper grammar is a BAD thing. BAD. NAUGHTY. A good practice
exercise for this rule is to go around your house and DESTROY any
copies of the following things you may find:
o English text books that you stole from your high school.
o Strunk and White's "The Elements of Style."
o Diana Hacker's "Rules for Writers." Who ever heard of her
anyway.
o Margaret Shertzer's "The Elements of Grammar."
o Sir Walter Scott's "Ivanhoe." (NOTE: This is an EXTREMELY
dangerous book that contains LOTS of correctly-spelled words
and a WHOLE LOT of grammar. In fact, this book is BULGING AT
THE BINDINGS with grammar. Avoid it at ALL COSTS. Evil!
Evil!)
Rule #6:
--------
Don't proofread your writing. This is guaranteed to lower its
overall quality. When you proofread, you start making little changes
here and there, and you might unknowingly violate one of the other
rules in the process. You might even, dare we say it, SPELL SOMETHING
CORRECTLY.
How to Make Money from Your Writing
This section of this file outlines the steps you should go
through to package your manuscript and get it ready for publication.
Rule #1:
--------
Don't go looking for a publisher. We can't stress enough how
important this is. If you go looking for a publisher you will almost
never find one. Publishers are a strange breed that hide behind
corners and run away from anyone who is looking for them.
You might be asking at this point "So how does my manuscript
reach these people."
We were just getting to that. Don't ask silly questions.
This is how you get your manuscript to the publisher:
Make up addresses. Just pick ones out of your head. They can
even be the addresses of people that you KNOW are not publishers.
Hell, use your OWN address. Make up addresses with professional
sounding names like "1234 Veryrich Plaza," or "4321 Wow! What a
Bustling Metropolis Park Drive Road Street Avenue Terrace Lane Place."
As for the city and state, these should be sent to Havre,
Montana, c/o Malaclypse the Younger, because publishers never expect
to find manuscripts there.
Rule #2:
--------
Manuscripts should LOOK professional. There are lots of ways to
achieve this effect:
1) Fax yourself a copy of your manuscript. Then photocopy it
several times. This makes your manuscript harder to read and gives
the publisher the impression that you are a budding young artist and
that your manuscript should be viewed as a work of art rather than the
useless jumble of words it actually is.
2) Make sure your manuscripts have at least one stain on them.
Coffee is a good choice for this. Coffee stains on your manuscript
let the publishers know that you've been pulling all-nighters trying
to get the manuscript picture (or photocopy) perfect.
3) Make people read your manuscript, even if they don't want to.
o Shove it in their face and hold it there, turning pages
when necessary (when the subject vomits, it is usually time
to turn the page, or even skip ahead a couple chapters).
o Buy a keg of beer and force them to drink it while you read
your manuscript aloud. If they subject does not die, your
manuscript is ready for publication.
o Give it to your mother. She will almost certainly read it
(mothers do things like that) and tell you that she loves
it, even if she fainted while reading it. Who knows, your
mother might even be one of the elusive publishers. Maybe
being your mom is just an elaborate front for being a
publisher. Stranger things have happened.
4) Make sure the check is SIGNED before you let go of the
manuscript. Make the publisher kneel and say a prayer while
you check the signature. If he wants your manuscript bad
enough, he'll do it. For a good example, rent and watch
"Where the Buffalo Roam" starring Bill Murray. This film is
easily recognized by the LARGE BAT perched above Bill's head
on the cover.
5) Above all, be friendly (READ: VERY STONED). Publishers like
that, but don't let them know that you know it.
HAPPY WRITING!!!!!!!!!
CREDITS
-------
Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions (lack-of-good) Management Staff
--------------------------------------------------------------
Dedaparamaxx: Head writer, head dum kopf, head head.
Imaginos: Master of cows and demented thoughts.
Morgan Bluejeans: Cyberspace expert, maker of "big funnies."
Tempus Fugit: Latin scholar, possessor of "outrageous French
Accent."
Sometimes, but not all times, staff writers
-------------------------------------------
Jeff the Riffer: Evil! Evil! Evil!
Diskwiz: Cyberspace engineer, editor-in-sleep.
IF YOU'RE CRAZY ENOUGH TO WANT TO CONTACT US:
---------------------------------------------
Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions, LTD, INC, PhD, BS, FTD.
8009 SW 55th PL
Gainesville, FL 32608
No CODs please. We don't like getting fish in the mail. That is
a REAL address, and any correspondence sent there will be answered
according to our moods, but it WILL be answered. Letter bombs will be
returned to sender, unopened. Drugs, money, complements, and general
ramblings are accepted.
To receive a group photo of the Dedaparamaxxaginos Productions
staff, send a self-addressed, stamped envelope and a quarter wrapped
in duct tape to the above address.
Mail may also be sent to mongo@maple.circa.ufl.edu.
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