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So Long and Thanks for all the Files! by David M





"So Long and Thanks for all the Files!"

Finished 5-18-95 by David Minter.

Based on "The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the PC Universe,"
"The Bulletin Board at the End of the PC Universe," and
"Data, the Bulletin Board, and Everything Else," by
David Minter, and "The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the Galaxy,"
"The Restaurant at the End of the Universe," "Life, the
Universe, and Everything," and "So Long and Thanks for all
the Fish" by Douglas Adams.



Author's note: This story uses actual people, places, and
institutions. Everything contained herein is completely
true, so avoid these sickos at all costs!




He was bored. Well, "he" may be an inappropriate
term here, especially since we are dealing with the
digitally created counterpart of a human being. James
Kelley, much like his real body in sensory deprivation
within a tank of that blue tampon tesing fluid, floated in
the black murkiness of his bulletin board. He had nothing
to do. He no longer had access to the Internet, what with
it having been stripped from him. It simply wasn't a
challenge anymore to break into the global information
repository when there wasn't the chance of being caught as
it would be if he were still legally on. That would be
too easily traceable, effectively increasing the level of
danger and therefore excitement and reward at
accomplishing it. While this makes absolutely no sense
out of the context of a plot device, that was his
thinking. But, the main question here is, why? How can a
body floating in a tank possibly steal a set of keys?

He watched the various activities of his nodes as he
pondered the question. Someone entered Legend of the Red
Dragon. Yet another brilliant user entered the
attrociously original "Calling from" field of "Hell" upon
their initial log on. He secretly laughed at the poor
user now stuck with a comatose node as he tried to log
off. Well, now! What's this? He thought he had deleted
that file. An instructional TXT on how to make a... "No.
I DID erase that file, especially after that one guy got a








hold of it. What's it doing-" Fearing the worst, James
got very intimate with the questionable file in, well,
question. Sure enough, everything one needs to build an
incendiary device, including the ammonium nitrate and the
<CENSROED BY THE INFORMATION POLICE! HAVE A NICE DAY...
WHILE YOU CAN STILL THINK FREELY!> As he delved deeper
into the bits, he discovered that the file was cross
referenced with another.

James exited the current file he was in and tried to
delete it. As he thought, it remained firmly planted in
the sector where it was. The file it was cross linked
with would have to be deleted first. Making note of the
file's name and location on his HD, he shot out into the
IDE interface and merged with the new file, seeking some
sort of answer. What he found- get ready for it- amazed
him. JAMES WAS STUNNED!

The file kept mentioning a particular number ( HINT,
HINT! ) and a name: the Aeolus 14 Umbra. That name kept
bringing up hidden memories. Yes, memories and not
information cross referenced with other memory files on
his hard disk. They were actually coming from his
quasi-living husk in the tank! This was the first time it
had happened since-

James Kelley wasn't always a computer composite life
form dashing about Cyberspace. He was human at one time,
believe it or not. He was an ordinary person living with
ordinary parents. Then, those strange men burst into his
home, those men dressed all in black... After that, he
was in the tank, running his own bulletin board. His
father was gone, and his mother, once a respected
physicist ( Well, as respected as a physicist can be in
Owensboro, Kentucky! ), was as dumb as a lark now. Some
sort of brain lethargia had set into her. But that
mattered not! He was now immortal, living in Cyberspace
while a certain part of his anamoty had been augmented
into a prime number. Guess which one...

"Aeolus 14 Umbra? What does that mean? Is it just a
coincidence that 14 is 7 twice?" The file also made
reference to a phone number, in town nonetheless:
684-2666. In an instant that actually took up two
instances if one took the time to measure it, James was
out of that file and zipping down his modem line,
destination: 684-2666. He popped up into the PC at the
other end and instantly began accessing the FAT, trying to
glean some sort of information as to where he was. What
he found, yes, stunned him. "LDDS! This is an LDDS








computer! I don't like this! I don't like this at all!"
However, before he could figure out his next course of
action, his world was plunged into a racing black film as
his cyberspacial form was pulled back out. He wasn't
expecting the manuever and the sudden loss of power
blacked him out.

"Just what are we doing here?" Farmer, of the
Owensboro Police Department asked, stepping over various
coins and a Star Trek model strewn about the bedroom that
he was now in. "You were briefed back at the station,"
Captain Larry Wethington reminded him. "Like I was
awake!" Farmer barked back his defense. "You know those
three guys linked with the Michigan Militia who blew up
the Federal Building in Oklahoma?" "You mean the men held
for POSSIBLY blowing up the building. We don't know yet
if they did do it." Wethington shot him a dirty look.
"Oh, yeah. I forgot. We're cops. 'All men are innocent
only in their dreams.'" "As well as big," Wethington
continued. "Anyway, they got the plans to build their
bomb from his bulletin board. So, we're here to
collect... THAT!" Captain Larry Wethington said, proudly
pointing at the body floating in the tank in the center of
the room.

Outside in the backyard, as opposed to inside in the
backyard, an equally odd series of events was occuring.
While James's mother was still practicing her shuriken
tossing with that disk that her son's apparatus had made
and tossed onto the floor at the end of "Data, the
Bulletin Board, and Everything Else," a blazing light
filled the night sky. Completely oblivious, she continued
her ninja exercises: "TEN FLIPS!" She was still doing
flips and tossing the computer disk about in the back yard
when a UFO appeared out of nowhere. While three voluptous
space aliens did not appear, it DID snatch the disk from
her hand with an equally powerful joke and flew off with
its deadly contents: the last story ever written by David
Minter. Despite the fact that she was now deprived of her
weapon and was becoming increaingly dizzy from her ten
flips, of which she was on number 38, she continued to try
to toss the disk through the air, and in her mad mind she
was. She didn't give a fig about the armed men of the OPD
carting her son off, tank and all...













What does this all mean? Well, for now, it means you'll
have to wait for "It's only a Hobby: Mostly Harmless..."
when I'll sort out the rest of the origin, what's going
on, who's behind it, and who's behind that!

"So Long and Thanks for All the Files" @1995 by David
Minter. Based on "The Hitch-hiker's Guide to the PC
Universe," "The Bulletin Board at the End of the PC
Universe," and "Data, the Bulletin Board, and Everything
Else" by David Minter, and "The Hitch-hiker's Guide to
the Galaxy," "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe,"
"Life, the Universe, and Everything," and "So Long and
Thanks for all the Fish" by Douglas Adams.






























 
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