Loz's adventure to the store to Get Batteries

by Loz

My bedroom, shit. I'm still only in my bedroom . Every time I think I'm going to wake up back in the Tesco express store. When I was home after my first trip to Tesco, it was worse. I'd wake up and there'd be shopping still to put away. But that doesn't matter now. What matters is to escape this heat. It's the kind of heat that seeks you out, it crawls over you - hanging heavy on your chest and settles as a noose around your glistening neck.

It was bad. It was shit bad.

I sat there staring out my window, the glare of the midday sun seemed to bleach the leaves on the trees making them painful to look at. In my darkened room the blue light of my stereo peered at me in neon tones.

Through the hot air grated the sounds of Flaming Lips, their usually odd dischordant noise pop sounded, odd and dischordant in the heat. I reached for the silver remote to turn them off, and briefly wondered why manafactureurs feel the need to make so many electrical items in silvery grey plastic. 'Perhaps they think it makes them appear hi-tech?'

Disgusted with the whole affair, I pushed the off button.

Nothing.

I pushed it again, and with a terrible sense of inevitability, nothing happened.

'Ah fuck socks', I mused, 'the batteries have gone'.

I slumped back into my chair, and remembered to stop talking like a soldier in Vietnam. This wasn't a time for such trivialities. I was in a very real situation.

I leant forward and hit the manual off button on the machine ending the cries of 'shine of sweet jesus'. I had a mission. To get fucking batteries. Luckily, there's a Tesco express store at the arse end of my road, so my objective was pretty clear. Get to Tesco, negotiate the purchase of 2 AAA batteries, return triumphantly.

I grabbed my wallet and keys and headed for the front door. I thought other my chosen attire for the journey. I was wearing a white shirt with red and blue pinstripe, heavy blue jeans and white trainers. I was pretty sure this wasn't the correct dress for battle but I was passed caring, and anyway it's a 500 yard walk to the shop.

Locking the door behind me with a clunk, I walked out of my drive onto the pavement. Cars flew past on the road like cosmic fighters planes cleverly disguised as cars. I turned left and started walking along the pavement. I immediately started to feel the sun across my shoulders, but the cool breeze was worth the trip.

Lost in my thoughts, I walked along the pavement barely looking out for charlie at all. In distance (all of 20 metres away), two girls were walking towards me. 'That's okay' I thought, 'they probably aren't vietcong' But man, did it fuck with my head, it was like two planets on a fucking collision course. It just seemed so inevitable that we'd pass each other that it was fucking killing me.

As they got nearer the white of their tshirts radiated the suns reflected rays. The effect was dazzling, but I realised I was staring at their chests, so I stopped. As we passed each other it seemed so damn uncomfortable, I could tell what they were thinking, and they sure as hell knew what I was thinking. Shit, the heat was getting to me.

I quickened my pace and only hissed 'charlie' quietly as we passed. I knew by this point I was faltering. The heat was too much, I was badly dressed for the occasion. I should have worn shorts.

On top of a sign post I saw a raven. Not just some little black bird. A proper big black Raven. What the fuck was that supposed to mean. I nervously glanced behind me, the girls were a distance away now, and I could guess that the raven wasn't theirs.

The birds beady eye followed me as I passed, but then I didn't care.

For I had seen.

I had seen my goal.

The ugly plastic sign came into view over a fence. I had made it. Thoughts of charlie, and the raven were gone from my mind. I had reached my target. This was it.

Sweating from the heat, I pushed on with renewed determination. I rounded the corner of the fence, and followed the short path to the car park. In front of me was a convertable Morris Minor with the roof down. I slowed to gaze at the vehicle, as I do quite like them. The pale ochre of the paint, absorbed the suns harsh rays and yet seemed cool.

It was keeping it together, just as I was beginning to lose it.

The automatic door of the shop slid open, I stumbled inside.

The cool air from the duct above my head hit me like a shower. The air slid over my sweating body making me shiver involuntarily. I was lost from the world. There could have been a whole platoon of cong infront of me, but I didn't care. The cool air blinded me like the ferocious sun had just moments ago. I was living in a world of twisted opposites.

I opened my eyes to view my new surroundings. Gone were the trees, the cars, the endless tarmac. This was something else. Something new.

An opulent lineouleum floor stretched out before me. To my left, shelves presented their voluptuous tins, bottles and cans. To my right row upon row of shelves stretched as far as the eye can count to three. Above me, the mortal sun god had been replaced by a bastard son of man, glaring at me in fluorescent arrogance.

I had arrived. I had fucking arrived.

I stumbled forward, deeper into the shop, so I wasn't blocking the doorway for other customers, as it was these customers I noticed now. Quite unlike the fucking vietcong I had to deal with outside. These people seemed different somehow. I couldn't put my finger on it.

Now beside me lay the check out. Infront of which these brave new people stood patiently holding consumables and news based publications. They waited in their lines, they waited for their chance, they waited for a check out girl. Those gods of the shopping experience. With the power to fufil your every shopping dream, or to dump you on your arse just as charlie was going down the garden path.

The thoughts of charlie brought me back to my senses. I was no David fucking Attenburough, I was here for batteries, not sociological study.

Mindful to keep all the 'shoppers' in my sight, I edged along the shelving glancing wildly between the scum infront of me. Was it a rocket launcher, or was it really just a stick of french bread as it appeared to be. I had to be careful.

I made it along the aisle without meeting another enemy combatant. I stood watchfully by the chilled goods cabinets for a fleeting moment while I made my plan.

I was going to have to cross the ends of three other aisles to reach the non-edible goods section. Who the fuck knew what was round the corner of each aisle.

I tried to attach a mirror to my bayonet with chewing gum, but rembered I had neither rifle, mirror or gum and that I was infact not a soldier in Vietnam, but infact a geek in a convenience store. The short journey to the the non-edible goods section was uneventful, because I was pretty sure vietcong don't shop in Tesco. I was feeling good, perhaps too good, something was wrong.

SHIT! This wasn't any old conveniently placed mini supermarket, it was a trap set by charlie! The jungle rushed back to me.

Quick as flash I threw myself on the floor. A nearby by man saw this, and thought I had fallen over, and so came to help. I stood up again and waved him away. For all I know, he might have wanted hand to hand combat.

I glanced over the burgening shelves infront of me...

'Hmmm' I thought, 'no batteries'. I quietly ran along the aisle to the end nearest the checkout, all the while being mindful of mines.

Behind the disguised barricade the checkout girls were using as a counter I saw the fucking grail. Held to wall on metal shafts of sheer joy were the batteries. Sandwiched between high strength alcohol and cigarettes... just where charlie wanted it.

I tiptoed towards the counter trying to blend in with the other customers, but I could feel their little eyes burning into my arse. DAMN YOU NICE ARSE! Reaching the counter I looked behind me at a queue of slightly interested middle aged women. Damn you again nice arse.

I reached into my holster and got out my service revolver quickly levelling it at the women's heads. Luckily at this point I again remembered I was infact a geek in a shop, and quietly stopped aiming my wallet at shoppers.

I turned and checked the prices of the batteries, ?3.14 for a four pack. Fucking 'cong with their communist price extortions. I reached into my wallet to load my hand with the necessary change for the transaction when it happened.

Like the rattle of a 'cong ak only meters behind me, my heart stopped, shit.

Shit.

I reached my hand all around my wallet.

Shit.

I looked in all the sections.

Shit.

I had...

no money.

SHIT! I fell to my knees (in a metaphorical sense) SHIT! I stopped being vietnam soldier for a moment and felt rather pissed off. But then I realised... it was a communist conspiracy.

I looked around, the fucking vietcong fighters knew what was happening, they could read my fucking mind, it was all over everywhere. All the fucking aisles danced and sang as I stumbled towards the door. Voices crawled round my sweating neck strangling me.

I had to get out.

FUCKING ABORT MISSION! FUCKING CHARLIE! FUCKING SHIT COCK!

The cool air of the duct slid over me once more as I lurched out of the shop.

My mind went into autopilot, all that mattered now was getting home, to my chair, the desk, the batteries. Shit, the batteries. My mind flittered back to the shop, to the cool linouleum floor, the vietcong shop assistants.

I glanced around, the morris minor still stood patiently in the car park, but to my mind now, it seemed to be laughing. I quickened my pace hoping to get out from this hell hole of a car park as soon as possible. As I hurried along the pavement, I noticed an ATM next to me.

Shit YES! The ATM, I my haste to escape the store car park, I had forgotten about this little cash portal. My journey to the store, may not have been in vain. I grabbed my wallet out of my pocket once more, my fingers rifling quickly through the card holder section.

My fingers brushed against a hard plastic card, my hand trembled. I pulled the card out. It was my phone top-up card. Shit. I continued rifling until there was nothing left to rifle through. Not only had I forgotten money, I had forgotten my cash card. Damn.

Dejected, I stuffed the useless wallet back into my pocket and stuck the topup card into my headband next to my Ace of Spades, I had hit a new low. These two crushing defeats brought me closer to the edge. My rifle and helmet seemed to be made of lead. Their weight baring down upon of me, the sun mocking my attempts to stay cool.

I trudged on, for that was all I was capable of now. Just one foot infront of the other. I had to move on from the mistakes I had made in the shop. IT WASN'T MY FAULT! THERE WAS VIETCONG EVERYWHERE! It made me feel better in the short term, but I fucking knew that one day I'd have to face up the consequences of my actions. One day I'd have to look into the empty battery compartment and I'd have to walk over to my stereo whenever I wanted to change tracks.

The thought horrified me. I looked around at my surroundings hoping to distract myself from the abject misery of my batteryless life. To my left, cars flew past seemingly unaware of the events of the last 5 minutes. To my right the towering red doors of the fire station glowed in the sunlight.

But then I noticed one of them was open. I slowed my pace. Was this an ambush. Were 500 vietnamese communists waiting inside eagre to fight my with their dirty communist tactics. I trundled forward when suddenly a roar spewed forth ripping into my ears and into my mind. I hit the deck as fast as I could and fired a few rounds off with m16 before remembering I didn't have a gun.

As I was picking myself up off the ground, the open door of the fire station exploded...

in blaze of colour and light. The roar grew louder, and suddenly only metres away from me, lurched forward a shiny red beast. The blue lights on it's roof flashed like Charlie's sporadic gun fire. The chromed ladders on the back of the machine glinted and glared in the burning sun. In the glazed cab sat uniformed and regimented fighters, wearing helmets clearly more modern than my own. I threw mine off and ran to the grassy embankment beside me. Just as I threw myself into the grass the fire engine exploded...

into a deafening cocktail of sirens and engine noise. The beast tore forward turning sharply right on the road, leaving only the open door of the fire station, and a trail of fast disappearing exhaust in it's wake.

I crawled forward on my hands and knees staring at the traffic going past. 'What the fuck is this place' I thought loudly. I quickly picked myself up, dropping my rifle next to my helmet, I just knew I wasn't going to need them now. I set off, running along the pavement, ahead of me lay literally metres of clear pavement. I just ran.

I was oblivious to the cars now, it just didn't fucking matter. I wanted to get home, to sit in my fucking chair and sing along to the flaming lips, I wanted to go back in time to before all this had begun, I just fucking wish it had never happened.

I didn't stop running till I reached my front door. I fumbled in my pockets for my keys, finding them, I slammed them into the lock, feeling as each pin slid over the key. With shaking hands I reached for the handle. I turned both of them, and the door opened a crack, I pushed at it swung back to reveal my hall.

Shit.

I was home.

I hastened to my bedroom, to my chair, to my remote without batteries, I didn't care. I was home.