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Star Wars: Rewritten III \ The Empire Strikes Bac
Star Wars: Rewritten III \ The Empire Strikes Back
by: David Minter
Finished 6-16-94.
Based on an original story by George Lucas, the film The
Empire Strikes Back @1980 by Lucasfilm Ltd., the movie
Star Wars @1976 by Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation,
the concept of the Book and Record Set @1984 by Buena
Vista Records, Star Wars: Rewritten II \ This Island Earth
@1994 by David Minter, and Star Wars: Rewritten \ A
Universe Divided @1994 by David Minter.
This is the story of Star Wars: Rewritten III \ The Empire
Strikes Back. You can read along with me in your book, a
transcript of Billy's audio diary. You will know it is
time to turn the page when you hear the recording of
ARGH_2-BILLY_DEE_WILLIAMS beep like this...
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
________________
LET'S BEGIN NOW:
----------------
( I couldn't help myself; it was in the original! )
IT WAS A DARK TIME FOR THE REBELLION. ( Cue now
famous montage mood setting theme. ) A long time ago, in
a galaxy far, far away, the evil Dalek Empire had been
dealt a crushing blow. Despite thousands of years of
unrelenting tyranny, the remnants of the races not
destroyed by the spreading rampage of the Daleks had
managed to come together. Under the leadership of an
unassuming newcomer, Billy Peltzer, their space fleet had
succeeded in destroying the Empire's ultimate battle
station. After the loss of the Death Star, the Empire
intensified its efforts to crush the Rebel Alliance. Van
Vader, second only to the Emperor Dalek, had been flung
into the darkest depths of space after the destruction of
the Death Star. The Emperor immediately dispatched the
Empire's flagship, the Eret Mensaki Ska, to pick up Vader.
It seems that some most unusual information had been
retrieved from the mind of Kate Peltzer, whom as you can
probably tell by the name relation, is married to Billy.
Plans had to be made ready at once!
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Before continuing on, we must apologize. In our
haste to finish the last story, we accidentally quoted the
line about space being lit up by hundreds of laser
cannons. This is, of course, quite incorrect. Yes, even
Industrial Light and Magic makes mistakes. After all,
they and even Star Trek, both old and new, portray sounds
in space. We know it is for dramatic effect, but it is
still quite wrong nonetheless! Now, let us continue with
our exciting science fiction story!
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Dalek stormtroopers immediately swarmed about Lord
Vader as he boarded the Eret Mensaki Ska. They were all
eager to obey his every command. "Those probes we
dispatched earlier to try and locate the stolen Death Star
plans: I want their primary programming redirected.
Objective one: locate Rebel bases. Objective two: locate
the two prisoners, the male with the female taken on Earth
on board the Death Star. They should be together. I feel
that they will somehow be connected with the Rebellion,
and are responsible for the destruction of the Death Star.
Those two are of primary importance to the Emperor! And,
I don't want to disappoint him. I will be addressing his
Imperial Highness immediately after this debriefing. I do
not want to be disturbed. If you find a Rebel base, scan
it for the two prisoners. If they are not found,
exterminate all Rebels there. If they are there, capture
them alive and exterminate the rest!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
For a time, there was much turmoil among the Rebel
Alliance after the destruction of the Death Star.
Princess Leeja wanted to remain on Dantuine. However,
Mommy Mothra, the Rebels' leader and main strategist, felt
that it was time to once again move on. With the
destruction of the Princess's home planet of Alderaan,
Dantuine was too likely a target, seeing as how it was
next in line according to the Death Star's projected
heading. Scattered Imperial craft, left alone after the
Death Star went belly up, may accidentally stumble upon
the base. She wanted to move the Rebel base to the remote
ice planet of Hot. The Daleks, seeing that Hot is really
nothing more than a global ice cap, would bypass the
planet as uninhabitable for humans, and organic beings
would be deceived by its name. The decisions were made.
A majority of the Rebel force chose to stay on Dantuine,
while Hot became the base for a small band of Rebels,
including our heroes Billy and Kate Peltzer, brave pilot
Hank Williams and his possibly brave copilot
Chewingtobacco, and the annoying service droid
See-Thru-B-O. This move served to prove the old adage
that one man can be in the majority as long as he is right
when Dalek probes detected the Princess's Rebels of
Dantuine and laid waste to them all!
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
But, life goes on. On Hot, the surviving Rebels
there made preparations for the possible coming of the
Empire. Odd looking radar dish weapons and things that
resembled frying pans placed atop a sweat box popped up
across the Rebel base generator, which in itself resembled
the back of the Loch Ness Monster. Meanwhile, atop a
shaggy Tauntaun, recently appointed Commander, Billy
Peltzer surveyed the snowy landscape as part of his usual
rounds. "Well, girl or boy or whatever sex you may be, I
can never tell with you stupid Tauntauns, no sign of
Imperial troops. It looks like we're safe for now, and I
won't have to cut you open and use your escaping body heat
to survive." He patted the creature sympathetically. It
winced in terror at the thought of possibly losing its
life. "I guess I'll just have to regale you with some
stories about my corporate life instead. I hope they
won't bore you." Already the Tauntaun was dying, not from
the cold but from Billy's earlier stories. "I sure hope
the Empire doesn't hit us now, when we're at our weakest."
Oh! When will good ever learn never to say such things
since it always invites terror? BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Deep in the frozen caverns of the Rebel base, the
famous country music star that we spoke of earlier, Hank
Williams, watched a blip on his radar screen. "Looks like
trouble." He scanned the various signals emanating from
the trace. "An Imperial probe droid. It's sending out
information about the planet, and jamming our
transmissions with old 'I Love Lucy' reruns. Come on,
Chewie! Let's take care of that thing before it reports
our position." Hank grabbed his blaster, turned off its
safety, set it to William "Bill, shoot 'im in the face!"
Riker, and was about to follow his furry Mogwaian
companion out the door. He stopped dead in his tracks at
what he heard coming from the Imperial probe droid. "OH!
Wait, Chewie. This one's my favorite! This is the one
where Lucy sells jars of mayonasse on roller skates!"
Before Hank could continue wasting time any further,
Chewingtobacco clubbed Hank with the butt of his laser
crossbow. ( It was the closest possible term I could come
up with to describe his gun. ) He dragged Hank by his
hair out into the field to face the droid. Outside, Hank
awoke and his Mogwai co-pilot distracted the droid by
going into a very poor rendering of the Man from La
Mancha. Hank drew his pistol on the droid. "Oh, well.
The episode's probably over by now anyway!" He blasted it
into a thousand fiery pieces! Or, at least one slightly
smoldering fragment. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
After being destroyed, the probe jettisoned its head,
containing the vital information the Empire would need.
The head spun like a propeller through the vast reaches of
space until it came across another probe droid. Sensing
the urgency of the head's message, the second probe droid
jettisoned its own head so that the first's head could
merge with the second's body, which contained the
necessary power and equipment needed to transmit its
priority response to the evil commander of the Dalek
fleet, the Emperor. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Back on the Eret Mensaki Ska, Van Vader safely sealed
himself off in his throne room on board. He walked over
to the sensor plate and kneeled. A hazy projection of the
vast Emperor Dalek appeared out of thin air before Vader's
prostrate form. Its mechanical voice betrayed that of
Clive Revill. "REPORT." "If you might enlighten my
humble form by transmitting me a copy of the female
prisoner's mind, I can best determine our next course of
action." "I-HAVE-ALREADY-DETERMINED-OUR-NEXT-STRATEGY.
HAVE-YOU-FORGOTTEN-THAT-I-AM-THE-EMPEROR-SUPREME?" "No.
It's just that the Dalek soldiers seemed to know who the
prisoners were. Yet, they refuse to inform me, claiming
it is information sealed within the higher chains of the
Imperial Dalek network, which I cannot access. I just
thought that if I knew, I could better serve the Empire,
your Highness." "YOU-WERE-NOT-CREATED-TO-THINK. YOU-
WERE-CREATED-TO-OBEY! OBEY!" "Yes, my master!" "THE-
INFORMATION-WAS-KEPT-SEALED-FROM-YOU-FOR-YOUR-OWN-GOOD.
IF-YOU-WERE-TO-FIND-OUT, IT-COULD-WEAKEN-YOUR-
EFFECTIVENESS-AS-AN-AGENT-OF-THE-EMPIRE. YOU-ARE-A-
CYBORG. YOU-SHOULD-KEEP-YOUR-AFFAIRS-AWAY-FROM-YOUR-
ORGANIC-SIDE-AS-MUCH-AS-POSSIBLE. HOWEVER, THE-TWO-
HUMANS-HAVE-SHOWN-UP-HERE-IN-THIS-TIME-AND-PLACE. IT-IS-
TIME-YOU-LEARNED-WHAT-I-KNOW-OF-THEM." The Imperial probe
droid's message finally reached the Dalek Prime. "HOT.
THE-LAST-OF-THE-REBELS-ARE-THERE, AND-PELTZER-IS-WITH-
THEM!" "Peltzer? Who is-" With that, the Emperor began
downloading the database of information into Vader's body.
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Upon learning the location of the Rebels' new base,
the Emperor itself took control of the operation. It
assembled a strike force of its best Dalek stormtroopers
and attack equipment and sent them to the ice planet of
Hot. Meanwhile back on the soon-to-be-invaded Hot, Hank
and Chewingtobacco returned to the base with the
information about the probe droid. Suspecting danger,
Mommy Mothra decided that discretion would be the better
part of valor, and ordered a retreat. The Rebels began
preparation to evacuate their base. Mothra's screech rang
through the ice halls. "Air and ground troops to your
battle stations! Provide necessary cover fire for our
condom-shaped personnel transports." Rebel echelons ran
for escape craft as soldiers began manning those radar
dishes and frying pan weapons I told you about earlier.
Kate ran about the base trying to find Billy. But, he was
nowhere to be seen. Neither he nor his Tauntaun had
reported back in yet! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
As the Rebels who remained behind waited nervously
for an enemy attack, which one must admit is a rather
illogical thing for soldiers to do, the ground began to
tremble violently. Inside the base, ice walls shattered
and heavy machinery toppled to the ground. Hank raced up
to the wandering Kate's side, and yanked her out of the
way of a falling piece of ice. "I don't know what's
heading this way, Kate, but it's shaking the place apart!
C'mon! We've got to get out of here before this place
falls in on our heads!" Kate wouldn't budge. "But I've
got to find Billy! He hasn't reported back in yet!" "I
don't think so!" Hank pointed to the frozen slab before
them. "You won't be finding him that way. And this isn't
goodbye either! You can't get to your craft to escape or
find your husband because that wall of ice crashed down,
blocking your route!" he repeated the plot thread
uselessly. He then proceeded to tug Kate toward his ship,
the Millennium Falcon. "It looks like you're stuck with
me, bitch!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Less than half way half way from the Rebel base,
which would have been easier to describe as one fourth the
distance away from the Rebel base, the cause of the Rebel
base's quaking was being made evident. Large pods were
crashing into the icy surface of Hot. These pods split
open to reveal AT-AT's ( All Terrain Attack Tanks ),
massive Imperial war machines and the pride of Dalek
technology. Basically, they were transports captured from
the Jawa people, copied, and huge Shockwave gun barrels
added to the front. As the pods streaked into the ice,
force waves erupted through the planet's surface, causing
heavy earthquakes, or in this case ice quakes. The tanks
rumbled their way across the snowy ground. Deadly
Shockwave turrets roared as excited neutrons imploded
across the air at the Rebels' radar guns. Their treads
crushed every frying pan in their path. The Daleks
eventually rolled up to the base's power generator and
blew it apart, cutting off energy to the Rebels' offensive
capabilities. It seemed that all hope was lost!
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Just as it seemed all hope was gone, as had been said
above, Billy led a squadron of Tauntauns against the
machines. "It's no use! Their armor's too strong for our
blasters, even if Tauntauns were equipped with lasers or
if our defenses were up and running! But, we've got to
hold them off long enough to get everyone out of the base!
God be with you, Kate." With that, Billy, atop his shaggy
Tauntaun, charged right into the nearest AT-AT. The
creature tore into the exposed areas of the war machine's
circuits with its claws and feet. That was when Billy
remembered that he did have a blaster! They were general
issue for all Rebel troops. He whipped out the laser gun
and fired into the AT-AT's innards. As the Tauntaun ran
away, the machine sputtered, and its front exploded! The
Shockwave gun rose sharply into the air ( Don't even think
it! ) and then fell limp and useless against the tank.
Billy then directed his Tauntaun towards the damaged
AT-AT's that the rest of his Tauntaun herd had already
attacked, blasting into those as well. This provided
enough time for the Rebels to escape, however the Daleks
still reached the base! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Landing ramps fell from the Dalek attack vehicles.
Stormtroopers emerged from the machines and maneuvered
across the ice into the base. As the last wave of Daleks
invaded, Hank, Kate, and Chewie boarded the Falcon. The
golden droid, See-Thru-B-O, shuffled hurriedly after them,
seeing as how moving in that tin can suit was sheer
torture for Anthony Daniels. "Surely you wouldn't think
of leaving me behind?!" As See-Thru entered the Falcon's
cockpit, Chewie reached around and tore the robot's head
off. "Actually, we were!" Hank responded coldly.
See-Thru's shouting had brought the attention of the
invading Daleks their way! Imperial troops poured into
the hangar as Han desperately tried to start the Falcon's
engines. "Would it helped if I got and pushed?!" Kate
snapped, still degraded at having been dragged into the
craft like a cave woman. "This baby's still got a few
surprises. OK, Chewie! PUNCH IT!" Chewie drew back his
fist, and struck the large, red button labeled "IT." The
Falcon roared out of the hangar and out of the wave of
Dalek firepower, leaving the Empire empty-handed. Seeing
the entire battle through the sensors of his troops to
which he was intricately linked, the Emperor issued the
following order: "I-WANT-THAT-SHIP!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
See-Thru-B-O's head sighed happily, which would be
most interesting to hear since robots don't need to breath
and therefore would not have lungs with which to draw in
the air necessary to force out a sigh. "Thank goodness
we're finally safe!" The force of a laser bolt ran
through the Falcon. "Don't get too comfortable!" warned
Hank. "We've got TITHE fighters right on our tail!" Back
on the surface of Hot, the tops of the AT-AT's slid away,
and opened for the TITHE fighters contained inside as a
means for attacking from the sky to give chase to the
Falcon. "And they're gaining, Hotshot!" added Kate as she
turned around to face the Aerialbot, shrunken
appropriately to fit inside the craft. Hotshot is an
appropriate name for a soldier based on an ice planet
named Hot. God may or may not have been with her, but
Hotshot certainly was. "If there's any damage to the
ship, I'm sure I can carry us all safely away." "Well, we
won't need you!" Hank shouted his protest, annoyed at
Kate's lack of faith in his skills as a pirate, er, pilot.
"If I can't outrace them, 'Your Highflyingness' I'll just
have to out-fly them! If I can't out-fly them, then I'll
just have to outsmart them! If I can't outsmart them,
then I'll just have to give up! Either way, hold on!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Hank steered right into a dangerous asteroid field,
which as any good tactician will tell you is a relatively
safe move. Under his somewhat skillful control, the
Falcon dodged left and right, just scraping past the
speeding rocks. The Dalek computers within the TITHE
fighters could not deal with Hank's wild, irrational
course, and the pursuers smashed right into the asteroids,
which turned out to be the monster-living-inside-of-them's
hemorrhoids! "Now, let's find a safe port and avoid
landing inside the cave of the large asteroid below us
that serves as the home for the mouth of a giant worm that
will try to devour us," smiled Hank, somewhat condensing
the plot of the original movie. His terrified passengers,
frightened at the prospect that they may have just flown
through the internal organs of some unidentified space
beast, agreed wholeheartedly. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Back on Hot, Billy boarded one of the last functional
X-wing fighters left in the Rebel base that had not
suffered damage at the lasers of the invading
stormtroopers, and disrobed for the journey. He greeted
his co-pilot inside. "OK, all ships are away. Now, let's
get out of here!" As Billy punched his course into the
computer and then the computer itself, he heard a
questioning chirp. "That's right, we're not joining the
others," he said to the parrot that served as his co-pilot
in his tiny mind. "We're going to Dago-BAH!, the home of
Vigoda, the last of the Jedi masters... unlike my father."
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Van Vader sat alone in his meditation chamber aboard
the Imperial destroyer Eret Mensaki Ska. What he had
learned from the Emperor was troubling him. When he had
first set forth the plans for the Death Star, he had seen
nothing behind his idea to supply it with an
anthropomorphic transformation sequence. He hadn't seen
why the Emperor and the others in the Dalek hierarchy had
been so set against it at first. Humanoid forms had very
little function to the Daleks. They were totally unlike
themselves and were therefore despised. Vader had seen
nothing wrong in that choice, nor why he had committed
such a crime against the Dalek empire. Now, he knew, and
he hated why. The specifics behind why he came to be and
where he was now within the Empire made him sick, as it
had disturbed the Emperor. It knew, along with the other
Daleks. But, such privileged information was withheld
from Vader so as not to diminish his efficiency to the
Empire. He had seen how poorly the human Grand Mal
Seizure had functioned, and he didn't want to fail the
Empire in the same way. He was now totally set against
that. And, Billy and Kate Peltzer were the key to ending
it all. An urgent message from the Emperor arrived.
"THERE-IS-A-GREAT-DISTURBANCE-IN-WHAT-THOSE-SILLY-JEDI-
CALL-THE-FORCE. SHOULD-YOUNG-PELTZER-BE-ALLOWED-TO-MEET-
UP-WITH-THE-LAST-JEDI-MASTER, HE-COULD-BE-A-TERRIBLE-
THREAT-TO-US!" An evil plan began to form in Vader's
mind, one which made him cheer up from his current state
of gloom and disgust at his own heritage. "He will join
us or die, my master!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Now, turn the record over, and we'll begin again on
side two- Van Vader knew he could catch Billy in a deadly
trap ( which seems rather odd since he wanted to capture
him alive if at all possible ) if he used the right bait:
Kate! From all over the Dalek held portions of the
galaxy, Vader summoned bounty hunters. Some of the best
were there: Dungar, the mummified cyborg, S.E.X.I.S.T.
P.I.G. 69, the robot, Death's Head, another robot,
I-Suck-Us, the fly, and our two friends Ohm and Ogg, the
shape shifters. "I'm offering a generous reward for
finding the female... your lives. Those who fail to find
the humans will be exterminated. After I have the woman,
I will then have her mate. Afterwards, the one who finds
them may have Williams. The Empire is very privy to data
from all over the universe. We know he has a handsome
price on his head offered by Bubba the Fett, a very good
bonus in addition to your life. This could prove to be a
very profitable undertaking for you... gentlemen,
gentlewomen, gentle-beings, gentle-aliens, and
gentle-droids!" After Vader had sent the bounty hunters
on their way, he was called back into his chamber by the
Emperor. BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy's fighter landed on the murky, swamp planet of
Dago-BAH! Well, landed isn't the appropriate word, since
the craft actually crashed. Actually, crashed is
inappropriate, too, since the ship sank into the marsh,
resulting in the loss of Billy's avian co-pilot. Billy
wriggled free from the restraining harness holding him
securely in the cockpit, grabbed his clothes, and swam
towards the semi-solid safety of the semi-solid shore. He
spat goo out of his mouth, and dressed. "Ben Kenobi said
I'd find Vigoda, the acting and Jedi master probably best
known for his role as Fish on Barney Miller and the less
than successful spin-off bearing his name, here. But this
place gives me the creeps! Especially after that dunk in
the drink, I feel like-" "You feel like what?" came an
old voice from behind him. "Ice cream," Billy
nonchalantly answered. That was when he realized he was
being stalked, drew his blaster, and whirled around to see
an ancient little creature emerge from the fog!
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
The odd creature pointed to Billy's blaster. "Away
put your weapon! I mean you some harm, and your weapon
would be useless against me, because my ally is the Force,
so you might as well put it away. And, don't you think I
have every right to mean you some harm? After all you've
polluted my home with your space trash!" The wizened
thing looked up at the stranger. "So, you wish to come to
a Jedi and learn how to get back to your own dimension,
eh?" "But, how do you know about the Force, or my wish,
or-" "Your father?" "Him too. I haven't even thought
that far yet. I just wanted to find- Why you- you're Abe
Vigoda! I- I was expecting someone larger, judging by the
stature you had assumed over the course of your career,
even in that silly episode of 'Superboy.' Also, I wasn't
expecting someone green!" Vigoda giggled. "You can't
help but assume a green pigment after living on a world
that's basically all vegetation for nearly 600 years. Old
age has bent me up a little, as well. And, judging me by
size, you should not, for my ally is the Force." Billy
scanned Vigoda's body. "Ha! Sometimes, some things
should be judged by... size." "SHUT UP, YOU PHALLICLY
MINDED BOY!" Vigoda shouted. "If you are to learn
anything from me, you must prove that you can enlighten
your mind enough to accept what I have to offer!" And so,
Vigoda began training Billy in the ways of the Jedi!
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Vigoda asked Billy to do seemingly impossible things
like moving small objects with only his hands and balance
himself on one thought. The skeptical youth replied, "OK,
I'll try." "NO!" Abe immediately corrected him. "Try
not; do or do not! There is no try, except when you play
those little scratch-off games and you get a message that
says, 'Try again.'" So, under Vigoda's instruction, Billy
will learn to use the Force for good... hopefully!
Meanwhile, across the galaxy, Hank brought the Millennium
Falcon in for a landing on the immense floating colony of
Cloud City. "My buddy Recondo runs this place. He and I
go WAY back. We fought side by side during the jungle
campaigns of the Dalek Wars, back when he was part of the
paramilitary unit G.I. Joe and back when we thought we had
a snowball's chance in Hell of winning this war!
Afterwards, we turned illegal. We used to be partners in
the sweetest smuggling racket... sneaking counterfeit
Barney dolls into Empire held territories." "But can we
TRUST this friend of yours?" Kate interrupted his
wandering dreams of better days from long ago. Hank
thought for a moment before answering. "No, but he has no
love for his fellow man... or the Empire for that matter!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Recondo led his guests to the bouquet room to
celebrate their arrival; Hank always had questioned his
friend's sexual orientation. "I hope you've kept MY ship
in one piece, Williams!" "Hey, you lost to me fair and
square! We flipped that Barney doll for it, and it came
up tails." Recondo couldn't help but laugh at the
memories that his former days of smuggling brought up to
the surface of his mind. But, Hank was still concerned.
Ever since they had arrived, his buddy had been too
jovial. Being happy was a front that Recondo Calrissian
couldn't feign at all. He had been irrevocably lost in
the depths of despair ever since that night he lost the
Falcon to him. Something was wrong here. "Hey, buddy.
Has that guy with the earphones and Wolverine's first name
fixed MY hip, or ship for that matter, yet?" Recondo
suddenly frowned. "Why, yes. It was just a damaged warp
core that could have easily split open, irradiating you
all to death. Nothing serious. Why do you ask? You seem
to be in a hurry to leave." Hank backed up. "Yes, we
are! C'mon, gang! WE'VE GOT TO LEAVE RIGHT NOW!" Hank
spun around, only to find that they had been followed by
Imperial stormtroopers, led by the bounty hunter
S.E.X.I.S.T. P.I.G. 69 and Recondo's current partner in
crime, the ear-muffed Logon! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
"Sorry, old buddy," Recondo said miserably as he hung
his head down in a manner that seemed to say, "I didn't
want to betray you, but I had to. This station isn't
under the jurisdiction of the Empire simply because we
don't matter to them. When we do start mattering to them,
that's when we become prime targets for extermination,"
which was what he added afterwards. "Van Vader, a whole
garrison of Daleks, and the bounty hunter arrived just
before you did, and then they lured Logon to their side by
promising him all the Barney dolls that they could supply.
It's like 13 years ago all over again!" Recondo followed
that by whispering in Hank's ear, "You've got to help me
stop them! I had no choice! They need your female
companion to lure someone named Peltzer out of hiding."
KATE WAS STUNNED! "But, which one do the Daleks want?
Billy or myself? They already seem to have it in for me,
capturing me and all. But, why would they want Billy?
Vader had expressed a desire to find him after they
interrogated me, and Vader seemed to know me in some small
way. And-" OH, TURN THE PAGE BEFORE SHE COMES UP WITH
OTHER WAY OF EXPRESSING THE SAME QUESTION OVER AND OVER
AGAIN! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
At the same moment that Hank, Kate, Chewie, and the
recently discovered traitor, Recondo, were led away to a
prison cell, and Hotshot was led away to be melted down,
Billy was training with Vigoda. First, Billy balanced
himself on one thought. After accomplishing moving small
objects with his hands, he then lifted a box, lifted some
rocks, stood on his head, didn't forget what Vigoda said,
lifted a carving of ARGH-2 that had mysteriously been
produced out of thin air by the sheer force of Billy's
mind, and then Vigoda himself, with his mind. "Good,
GOOD! Now, concentrate." Billy then balanced himself on
one hand, and using the powers of his mind, balanced the
box, the rocks, and the carving on his left foot, and then
Vigoda on top of that. "HA! I'll show Jerry a true
balancing act with these powers!" Suddenly, a frightening
vision formed in his mind! BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy saw his friends being imprisoned by the Daleks
on Cloud City. Then, his copy of The Hitch-hikers' Guide
to the Galaxy filled his tiny mind. That was when he
realized- "OHMIGOD! The book! It's the only way I can
return to my own time! My friends! I must go to them!"
The vision was so shocking that his train of thought was
broken, which isn't too surprising considering the mind in
question, and he dropped the objects he had been
manipulating, including Vigoda, who hit the ground with a
soggy thud. "No, no, no! Undisciplined thinking clouds
the mind! Too much rage." "You think I don't have the
right to be angry?!" Billy shrieked. "I just now
remembered! Obi Wan Kenobi was the last person to hold
the book! He had taken it from Hank Williams to go into
some emotional tirade about it and my destiny to be the
last Jedi knight. But, Vader killed Ben on board the
Death Star, which I then blew up! Unwittingly, I've
trapped myself here in this dimension without any hope of
escape!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Vigoda shook his head. "Such angered thinking with
no direction for it to go! You still think in such a
linear way. Use the Force! Let it guide your actions."
"Look here, you demented excuse for a Muppet!" Billy
shouted at Abe with a shaking finger? Pretty good trick!
"I'm not some sort of last bastion of the Jedi! I don't
even want to be a Jedi! I'm just playing down to your
stupid religious beliefs so that I can learn how Kate and
I fit into the grand scheme of this silly world!" Vigoda
sighed. "This reality is only thinly held together by the
glue of madness. This glue is also pouring over into your
reality, warping it as well. You must recapture the Guide
and return to your own place, before you end up destroying
our world... and possibly yours as well!" Billy thought
for a moment. "The glue of madness? What the hell kind
of a metaphor is that?" Vigoda waved his hand aimlessly
through the air. "A quick and bad one." "Anyway, the
Guide obviously went up with the Death Star! There's no
way out for me and Kate now." "SILLY USELESS BOY! Use
the ways of the Force that I've taught you! The Guide has
not been destroyed." "But Obi Wan was killed by Vader-"
"True, but his body was not left on the Death Star. Oddly
enough, Vader had it transported to the Emperor, under its
orders, before you destroyed the Death Star station. The
Guide now rests in the clutches of the Dalek Empire. You
must infiltrate the Imperial hierarchy and retrieve it!"
"Can't I just go out and buy another copy of it, since
they originated here and were sent out into our world to
try and further peaceful relations between our two
worlds?" "No! The Daleks do not want peace; they want to
exterminate all that is unlike themselves. They seized
control of all publishing centers throughout the galaxy
and ceased publication... out of print. They also control
all buying and selling in whatever sectors they conquer!"
"Then, I must go to my friends at Cloud City. Vader is
there as well!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
ABE VIGODA WAS STUNNED THAT BILLY WOULD WANT TO LEAVE
NOW SINCE HE HAD HARDLY EVEN BEGUN THE TRAINING! "No,
ready you are not!" Billy was stunned. "'Vader is there
as well!' 'No, ready you are not?' That doesn't make any
sense!" "Be quite, insolent fool! Only a Jedi can defeat
Vader. The training you must finish, then go!" "I'M NOT
A JEDI! I'm a corporate leader! I run a television
empire!" Notice any sort of imperial hieratical irony
here? "They're my friends. Well, Kate's my piece of ass,
so I've got to save them! I'll be back, Master Vigoda. I
promise." Billy dove into the muck that his ship had sunk
into, swam back down to his sunken X-wing fighter, climbed
inside, strapped himself in, stripped off his clothes, and
flew the craft out of the marsh and away from Dago-BAH!
"I have to come back," he added to himself. "Abe Vigoda
is the only one who can tell what this whole damn world is
all about!" Back on the surface of Dago-BAH!, Abe watched
Billy's ship become a single twinkling light that joined
the rest in the night sky. "I heard that, Billy. AND I
WON'T FORGET IT!" BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Van Vader and S.E.X.I.S.T. P.I.G. 69 stood in Cloud
City's carbon-freezing chamber. "I cannot risk Peltzer
being mobile while transporting him and his mate to the
Emperor. The female has proven to be little trouble
physically. However, after having visited the Jedi master
Abe Vigoda on the planet Dago-BAH!, Billy might be too
much for even myself to handle. I'll freeze him and the
woman as well, just in case. They will be frozen in
carbonite, but unharmed. However, the process has not
been proven successful yet. So, we'll test it first.
BRING IN CAPTAIN WILLIAMS!" As one of Vader's Dalek
stormtrooper escorts trundled off to carry out his orders,
the bounty hunter raised his protest. "He's no use to me
dead! Bubba wants him alive so he can extract his own
personal brand of revenge for what the pilot did to him!"
Vader stared into the robot's visor, annoyed. "If
Williams doesn't survive the carbon dating and freezing
process, we'll kill you, thus relieving you of the burden
of the loss of your bounty. Besides, what does a robot
need with money?" "As you said, I'm a robot. Death means
nothing to me." "Then, we'll use Dalek technology to
infuse your robot body with life and then kill you!" That
was the threat that broke the robot's equivalent of a
back! S.E.X.I.S.T. P.I.G. 69 kept quiet after that; being
human is the most terrible torture one can imagine! Death
couldn't be welcome enough. Three Daleks herded Hank onto
the freezing platform, which was lowered into a deep pit.
Sub-freezing gases swirled about him, encasing him within
solid metal. His hard metal form was fished from the pit
with a large mechanical claw. A Dalek glided over and
examined the instruments which were now mysteriously laid
into the frozen metal slab. "WILLIAMS-IS-ALIVE-AND-IN-
PERFECT-HIBERNATION!" Vader shook his fist, but refrained
from saying "Whatever happened to my Transylvania Twist?"
"Excellent! Reset the chamber for Peltzer!"
BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-DURWEEP!
Billy's X-wing slipped into Cloud City, he slipped
back into his clothes, and slipped through the net of
Dalek guards, on his trek to find Vader. Without his
knowing it of course, the Force, what we simply call luck,
was guiding his actions, sending him on a course leading
straight to Van Vader. Without his knowing it, Vader was
using the Force, what the Daleks simply call probability,
by tapping into where Billy would most likely show up. It
was therefore a surprise to Billy, but not Vader, when the
two finally came face to face. "Ah, Billy Peltzer. We
meet again! Seems to my recollection that the last time
we met, I had you safely tucked away in a cell with your
wife. I WANT THAT SITUATION TO OCCUR AGAIN!" "That
shan't happen, Vader! I want my wife, and I'm going to
take her back! And, we want that copy of The
Hitch-hikers' Guide you have." "So, as the Emperor
surmised, it is yours! It seemed out of place equipment
for a Jedi knight." Billy drew his blaster and brought it
to bear on the dark lord. "Enough of this frivolity!
I'll easily take you down if that is what it takes to
leave your stinking universe!" Vader drew his Chain Sword
and activated it into humming life. "We'll see, Peltzer.
We shall see. When this is all over, you will call me...
MASTER!"
This is the end of Star Wars: Rewritten III \ The Empire
Strikes Back. What deep dark secrets do Van Vader and the
Emperor hide? And, what do Billy and Kate have to do with
it? Well, you'll find that out until Star Wars: Rewritten
V \ Return of the Jedi. But, you will find out what Vader
has planned for Billy and the fate of Kate and her fellow
prisoners next time in Star Wars: Rewritten IV \ A New
Hope! And, who knows? If you're nice enough, we might
even drop a few clues to the answers of the other
questions. IF you're good, so don't get your hopes up!
Star Wars: Rewritten III \ The Empire Strikes Back @1994
by David Minter. Based on an original story by George
Lucas, the film The Empire Strikes Back @1980 by Lucasfilm
Ltd., the movie Star Wars @1976 by Twentieth Century Fox
Film Corporation, the concept of the Book and Record Set
@1984 by Buena Vista Records, Star Wars: Rewritten II \
This Island Earth @1994 by David Minter, and Star Wars:
Rewritten \ A Universe Divided @1994 by David Minter.
Star Wars and all related characters @1976, 1977, 1978,
1979, 1981, 1982, 1983, and 1993 by Twentieth Century Fox
Film Corporation, in association with George Lucas,
Lucasfilms, Lucasarts, and Industrial Light and Magic.
Daleks @1990 by the British Broadcasting Corporation and
Terry Nation. Created by Terry Nation, designed by
Raymond Cusick.
Buena Vista Records is a subsidiary of Walt Disney
Productions.
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