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IBM DOS Virus: AMOEBA - This is a memory resident
Sex and the single amoeba: What every teen should know
by Dave Barry
Note: This entire article is devoted to sex and is not meant to be read by
children, except of course those children who sincerely desire to read a lot of
really explicit information about sex.
Later in this article I will explain how to drive virtually any member of the
opposite sex insane with sexual desire using only inexpensive kitchen
implements, but first let me address the question of sex in one-celled animals.
Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have orgasms?
The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which is why they don't
mind living in pools of warm slime. Remember when you watched amoebas through
a microscope in high school biology?
They would writhe around in a sensuous manner until they realized they were
being observed by high school students; then the male would clamber off the
female and ooze away in embarrassment. Of course, your teacher claimed that
you were actually looking at one amoeba splitting into two, but only the really
stupid kids swallowed that absurd explanation.
Another commonly asked sex question is: How do insects find sexual partners?
Attractive insects, such as butterflies, have no problems in this area. Anybody
would want to have sex with a butterfly. But what about aphids? What about
roaches, for God's sake? You'd have to be really drunk to have sex with a
roach. In fact, that is just how roaches do it. They sit around under the
refrigerator and swill cheap wine until their standards get really low, then
they have drunken, tawdry sex.
The female immediately lays 40 billion eggs which hatch the next day, but by
that time the parents have moved to another area of the kitchen and changed
their names, so the children have nobody to love and care for them, and they
pass the time eating little rolled-up balls of ketchup and floor dirt, and
before long they, too, turn to liquor, and the cycle of life repeats.
Fish are completely different. Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible
place to have sex because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be
stinging crabs and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy
little eyes.
So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around and around for
hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the female gets really tired
and has a terrible headache, and she just dumps her eggs right on the sand and
swims away.
Then the male, driven by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the
eggs. So the truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many
of them that it doesn't make any difference.
The only exception is the shark. Sharks don't care if little fish watch them
have sex, and they are not afraid to lie down on stinging crabs, because they
are very tough. Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their
shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
The male shark starts the courting ritual by swimming up to the female at
speeds approaching 45 miles an hour and ripping out huge, jagged chunks of her
flesh. If the female is aroused, she responds by sinking a small fishing
vessel, after which they have loud grunting sex for up to four days, which is
why they always have those glassy stares. The female shark gives birth after
about 652 days, then nurses her baby for another two weeks, after which she
kills it.
Birds are a marvelous example of how clever Mother Nature can be when she wants
to solve a sexual problem. As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because
they would interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for
the Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure out
how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on Wilbur.
"Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual organs!" You
should have seen their original design.]
As a result, birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost
never see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and
stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations with their
feet. When they find a conversation in which people are talking dirty, they
grip the line very tightly until they are both highly aroused, at which point
the female gets pregnant.
This is why birds are abundant in areas where you have a lot of dirty telephone
conversations, such as Los Angeles, whereas birds are so scarce in Canada that
they must be imported in huge flocks every year.
What can we learn about human sexuality from these lower forms of life?
Nothing. Most humans belong to the mammal family, and in mammals the female is
receptive to males only at certain times.
For example, we once owned a German shepherd named Shawna who was extremely
receptive to males in 1978, especially to this really disgusting diseased
neighborhood dog named Snoopy [of course] that used to come around whining and
sniffing and going to the bathroom everywhere and generally staying just out of
range of the 4,000 or so rocks I threw at him. Shawna was absolutely nuts
about Snoopy.
She would watch him out the window, whimpering and just dying to get out there
and be receptive, which is why we got her fixed.
The situation is very much the same with human sexuality, starting in about
junior high school, except, of course, you cannot get human females fixed,
although in most states you can through rocks at teenaged males.
But you may rest assured that if your teenaged daughter decides to be
receptive, she will not be receptive to the wealthy teenaged male who comes
around in an Izod shirt carrying flowers and candy; she will be receptive to
the one who has needle marks on his arms and calluses on his fingers from
dialing the Venereal Disease Hot Line.
You cannot keep your children from discovering sex, but you can make it appear
to be boring. The way to do this is to sit them down and discuss sex in a very
frank manner, the way they did in your high school health class:
"The female sexual organs consist of the pupa, the uvula, the medina, hyphen,
the sui generis and the tubes; the male organs consist of the seminole vessel,
the vast difference, the pendula and the contrabassoon. During intercourse,
the pendula reaches a state of engorgement and is placed in the vicinity of the
medina, which responds in kind until both organs have secreted a variety of
fluidic substances, at which time withdrawal becomes possible."
After a few minutes of this kind of talk, your kids will give up on sex and go
back to their computers, and you'll be safe for another week or two.
This leads us to adult sex. If you want to enjoy adult sex, you should start
by reading the letters to Penthouse magazine because they will give you many
practical suggestions for spicing up your sex life:
"My wife and I were getting less and less interested in sex, so one day we went
out and bought a portable air compressor and 200 pairs of rubber gloves....."
You can also spice up your sex life using the method involving inexpensive
kitchen implements that I mentioned at the beginning of this article.
Unfortunately, I've run out of space here, so I can't go into detail. I'll try
to cover it in another article, possibly in the food section.
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