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Child Abuse Handbook
Child Abuse Handbook
Thank-you for purchasing the second edition of the
CHILD ABUSE HANDBOOK. This compliments your discerning eye
for buying a product of real quality, and we appreciate the
few extra cents you threw out. This edition will attempt to
introduce you to the newer forms of child abuse, so we can
move on from those obsolete ones we know all too well.
The Paddling
The original paddle, or club, had its advantages over
earlier forms of punishment. As time progressed, nails or
tacks could be fastened upon to provide that extra whallop
that gave you alittle chuckle. Eventually, a strong, firm
hand replaced the paddle (being that you usually misplaced
it... in the garden...in a pot of soup...). The procedure is
simple. Raise the hand just above the shoulder, then in one
gliding motion, sweep across the right and left buttocks. A
large SMACK!! should be heard, if not echoed. If a large,
red welt has not appeared within 15 minutes, repeat
procedure.
Starvation
Are you still practicing those ole' time methods of
starvation? Do you still waste those few cups of oatmeal on
the yougins? If this is you, catch the new wave. Excrement.
Yes, now you feed them lentil or pea soup once every two
weeks. They feed themselves the time in between, while you
relax in the sun, or catch your favorite soap opera. Who
knew parenting could be this easy?! And no messes to pick
up!!
Burns
Are you tired of heating up coals, lighting candles,
or boiling water to put alittle heat in your child's life?
Well, say goodbye to those inconveniencies of the past. Now
with today's technology you can brand your child within
seconds using a state of the art iron. What was once for
pressing your clothes, is now for pressing your kids.
Everything should be this quick!!
Abandonment
The next time your kid says he has had enough, or if
your just in the mood, take him to the city and leave him at
the bus station, and get ready for a quiet night at home. If
he makes it back, when he first steps in the house tell him
to wipe his feet, and then smack him in the head. He may cry
alittle, but deep down he'll think your a funny guy!
Chores
Do you have access to a chimney? In this day and age,
it's not very easy to start a kid off on the exciting world
of chimney cleaning. Fret no more. Why spend money on those
dangerous oven cleaners, when your kid can experience the
wonders of natural gas and oil first hand? There's nothing
like a couple of hot feet to get that oven sparkly clean.
Toaster ovens for infants, too!!
Fun Times
Chances are in this economy, you won't be able to
afford to take your yougins out for a treat. Now bring
Disneyland and other outdoor amusements home. A microwave
turntable makes a great carousel! And a locked closet makes
a wonderful place for a "spooky" cave! Who can forget the
bouncy bed that turns into a wrestling ring?! WWF at home!
Kid's complaining about not seeing movies? Do your own
versions of famous movies like Home Alone, Nightmare on Elm
Street, and Ishtar. Your kids will thank-you for it!!
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
We hope you have found this handbook helpful. If you
have any ideas, send them in. Who knows, maybe we'll print
them in the next edition, because child abuse is just
getting bigger and better. Look for our next edition, in
which we'll cover:
* In home lobotomies
* Practicing acupuncture
* Nothing takes a beating like a baby who is teething
* Fun games to play with hot coals, large dogs, and the
mailman
* And much, much more!!
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