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A list of Letterman top- 10 lists which mention J.
X-NEWS: camins rec.humor: 1973
Xref: spang.Camosun.BC.CA rec.humor:1973 talk.politics.misc:3390
Path: spang.Camosun.BC.CA!news.UVic.CA!ubc-cs!uw-beaver!cornell!batcomputer!rpi!usc!cs.utexas.edu!utx!churchh
From: [email protected] (Myron Veeblefester)
Newsgroups: alt.fan.dan-quayle,alt.activism.d,alt.politics.elections,alt.stupidity,alt.religion.kiboy,rec.humor,talk.politics.misc
Subject: Top-tens mentioning J. Danforth Quayle...
Keywords: J. Danforth Quayle David Letterman Top 10 Lists
Message-ID: <[email protected]>
Date: 30 Apr 92 05:56:06 GMT
Followup-To: alt.fan.dan-quayle
Organization: The University of Texas at Austin, Austin, Texas
Lines: 968
A Non-Exhaustive Collection of David Letterman Top Ten
Lists Mentioning J.Danforth Quayle, Our Vice-President
Dan Quayle's Top 10 National Guard Duties - August 23, 1988
10. Make sure armory's vending machines never run out of pretzel sticks.
9. Look through catalogs for cute gifts for officers' wives.
8. Enforce "No Horseplay" rule at public pools.
7. Play hula girl on skit night.
6. Make sure hot side stays hot; cool side cool.
5. Make cool explosions sounds when platoon trains with dummy grenades.
4. Beat local scout troops to best lakeside campsites.
3. Keep guys without shirts from entering 7-Elevens.
2. Write to Nancy Sinatra; urge her to visit base.
1. Round-the-clock blob watch.
Dan Quayle's Top 10 Pick-up Lines - August 30, 1988
10. "Didn't we almost flunk out of school together?"
9. "How about a drink with a historical footnote?"
8. "I sure would have gone to Vietnam if the Cong looked like you."
7. "Can my father buy you a drink?"
6. "You could close your eyes and pretend I'm Jack Kemp."
5. "I think I saw Elvis last week at the Stuckey's on the interstate."
4. "Look! I've got a bunch of balloons with my name on them!"
3. "A girl like you could help a guy forget the irreparable damage he's done
to the Republican party."
2. "I'll be vice president after we beat Dukakis and Lloyd Bridges."
1. "Why yes, I'm Pat Sajak."
Top 10 Reasons Bush Doesn't Want to Debate Dukakis - August 31, 1988
10. Fears his whiny piercing voice will cause bedlam at nation's kennels.
9. Most of his free time taken up styling Barbara's hair.
8. Can't say word "rebuttal" without giggling.
7. Secret identity makes it impossible for him to be in same room as Dukakis.
6. Tired of League of Women Voters throwing hotel keys and panties at him.
5. Might be seen on TV by other "wife" in Alabama.
4. Can't compete with Dukakis' life-affirming Zorba dance.
3. Organizers refuse to play him on with theme from "Sanford & Son".
2. Afraid to leave Quayle alone for 90 minutes.
1. Network regulations would prevent them from debating naked - like Lincoln
and Douglas did.
Top 9* Good Things About Steroids - October 4, 1988
9. They don't leave your breath all mediciney.
8. Prevent Dan Rather's voice from drifting into soprano range.
7. Keeps me from having that I-don't-fit-in feeling with my Bulgarian
weightlifting pals.
6. We'll all need them to bulk up when the giant ants arrive.
5. Gives me the build I need for today's revealing fashions.
4. Great for community theater groups putting on Ibsen's "The Incredible
Hulk."
3. They're scrumpdillyumptious!
2. Lets me replace lame Dan Quayle jokes with lame steroid jokes for a few
nights.
1. Explains Bea Arthur.
* Only 9 to help NBC save money because they only made a measly $80 million on
the Summer Olympics.
Top 9 Ways Dan Quayle Prepared for the Debate - October 5, 1988
9. Underwent therapy to kick habit of licking hands when nervous.
8. Read a newspaper.
7. Tried to get copy of questions from frat brothers.
6. Practiced saying "Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!" as fast as he could.
5. Refrained from having sex with lobbyists for 48 hours beforehand.
4. Put on eyeglasses and mortarboard to look smart.
3. Trained rats to swarm over Brokaw on cue.
2. Lots of Binaca.
1. Wrote on hand: "I'm Republican. He's Democrat."
Top 9 Things Overheard in Omaha at the Vice Presidential Debate - October 6,
1988
9. "I'm sorry Mr. Brokaw. Wine coolers aren't allowed in the auditorium."
8. "Hey Pat! Where's Vanna?"
7. "It gives me chills to think one of these men could actually cast the
deciding vote if there's a tie in the Senate!"
6. "What's Don King doing here?"
5. "For the 10th time, Mr. Brokaw -- no shirt, no shoes, no debate."
4. "Hey! That sleeper hold is illegal!"
3. "And you're no George Kennedy either!"
2. "Balance the budget? Hey pal, balance this!"
1. "Thank god he only came off as a run-of-the-mill boob."
Dan Quayle's Own Top 10 Campaign Ideas - October 14, 1988
10. Dad gives every registered voter fifty bucks.
9. Silence critics by promising to start another war in Vietnam and fight in
that one.
8. Switch from Sugar Pops to more mature bran cereal.
7. Kegger!
6. Baffle Lloyd Bentsen by legally changing name to "Jack Kennedy".
5. Allow college to release records of guy who took exams for me.
4. Let Don King handle everything.
3. ** Insert your own Indiana National Guard joke here **
2. Cough a lot so people think Bush will outlive me.
1. Point out that many of the great men of history were lightweight zeros.
Top 10 Ways Bush Could Still Blow It - November 1, 1988
10. Show off new Lee Press-On Nails at press conference.
9. Promise first act as President would be a stamp honoring Gallagher.
8. Vow to replace land-based missiles with Digby the Giant Dog.
7. Illegal amounts of pine tar discovered on Barbara.
6. Make last-minute whistlestop tour, strangle a puppy at every station.
5. His prints found on gun next to Sam Donaldson's body.
4. Denounce Cosby Show as stupid piece of crap.
3. Pick Dan Quayle as Vice President.
2. Forget to respond to Final Jeopardy in form of a question.
1. Get photographed on ferris wheel holding hands with Al Sharpton.
Top 10 Things that Would Keep Me from Doing the Show - November 3, 1988
10. They need my chair up at the NBC news desk.
9. My poodle-grooming service really starts to make money.
8. A brutal alien invading army demands that Earth send forth their champion.
7. Connie Chung finally drops that fat guy she's married to.
6. Any serious job offer.
5. A chance to go backstage at the Winter Garden and watch the cast of "Cats"
put on their makeup.
4. President Quayle.
3. A single word from Mr. Gotti.
2. When there is no longer a single cameraman, a single studio audience
member, or a single television set on the face of the Earth; then and only then
will I cease my endless strivings to educate, to illuminate, to entertain.
1. If I still feel lousy tomorrow.
Top 10 Reasons Dan Quayle Would Make a Great President - November 4, 1988
10. Would not seem like brainy egghead when visiting nation's injured
professional wrestlers.
9. Boyish good looks would cause Mrs. Gorbachev to fall in love, reveal state
secrets.
8. His willingness to don inspiring Eagle Man costume on national holidays.
7. Secret Service agents wouldn't have to take their jobs so seriously.
6. Hilarious hijinks when mischievous staffer tells him to go stand in corner
of Oval Office.
5. State of the Union Address would be three minutes tops.
4. Might really enjoy the part where after signing a bill into law, he gets to
pass out a lot of souvenir pens.
3. Would satisfy little-known constitutional requirement that Chief Executive
be "dumb as a tree".
2. We'd get to watch him grow up on TV.
1. Impossible to pick himself as Vice President.
Dan Quayle's Top 10 Questions While at the White House - November 10, 1988
10. "OK if I leave my clubs here?"
9. "Who are all the old farts in the paintings?"
8. "Can I have a Kermit phone?"
7. "Do we get the day after Thanksgiving off?"
6. "Would you tell me about the rabbits, George?"
5. "Are all the Playmates down at the sauna or are they shooting bumper pool?"
4. "Which button am I supposed to never touch?"
3. "Won't it be great if George and I win the big election?"
2. "Where did Prescilla sleep?"
1. "Mrs. Reagan, can I call you Mommy?"
Top 10 Signs That People Are Getting Dumber - November 16, 1988
10. Detailed instructions now provided with all new socks.
9. Cher cologne.
8. Nobel Prize for literature given to guy who first hyphenated "oat-bran".
7. Quaylemania!
6. Japanese successfully marketing TV set that's just a cardboard box with a
picture of Fess Parker inside it.
5. Disney gave me lots of money for movies I have no intention of making.
4. Most Americans can name no more than 2 of the 4 dancing raisins.
3. People will applaud even when no joke has been made.
2. Presidential Seal now reads "I'm not gonna pay a lot for this muffler.
1. I'm still on the air.
President Bush's Top 10 Gaffes While in Europe - July 14, 1989
10. Addressed heads of lesser-developed nations in baby talk.
9. When presented with vintage camembert commented "Phew! What died?"
8. Ill-conceived speech to French military command: "We bailed out your sorry
butts."
7. Tried to go into Hungarian 7-Eleven without shirt or shoes.
6. Gave away ending of "Ghostbusters II" to Lech Walesa.
5. Remarked to Bulgarian minister "You people sure turn out some good carnival
acts."
4. Asked curator at the Louvre "Where's the pictures of naked broads?"
3. Accidentally told other world leaders that Quayle is vice president.
2. Washed out shorts in the bidet.
1. Loudly announcing everywhere he went "Ich bin ein Batman."
Top 10 Secrets Felix Bloch Revealed to the Soviets - July 26, 1989
10. The stealth bomber can be knocked out of the sky with an ordinary garden
hose.
9. So-called "secret sauce" is nothing but catsup and mayonnaise mixed
together.
8. Take the Reds and two runs over the Padres.
7. The Joker didn't really die at the end of "Batman".
6. Tom Brokaw's American Express number: 360-9950-4425 (expires 4/91).
5. 101 guaranteed sure-fire pickup lines.
4. The true identity of the San Diego Chicken.
3. Try lemon juice on those stubborn grass stains.
2. Helen Hayes goes nuts when you blow on the back of her neck.
1. Dan Quayle is only pretending to be a dumb guy.
Top 10 Ways Rob Lowe Could Fulfill His Community Service - August 2, 1989
10. Share tips with high school audio-visual clubs.
9. Give counseling sessions to Steve Garvey.
8. Pose nude for prison art classes.
7. Spend one Saturday each month as Yankee manager.
6. Read aloud to Dan Quayle.
5. Lecture to church groups on differences between Beta and VHS.
4. Clean graffiti off back of Roger Ebert.
3. Hunt down and kill Judd Nelson.
2. Remind apathetic youth of rewards of getting involved in political
conventions.
1. Keep eye open for Bat Signal while Batman naps.
Top 10 Reasons Congress Deserves a Pay Hike - November 14, 1989
10. Many big corporations are cutting back on bribes.
9. Because of C-Span, they all had to buy hairpieces.
8. Tired of carpooling with Barney Frank.
7. Tired of Congressman Fred Grandy's taunts about all the dough he's making
from "Love Boat" reruns.
6. Most of D.C.'s topless bars have raised their covers.
5. Our nation's lawmakers ought to make at least a fraction of the annual
income of the "Hey Vern" guy.
4. Worked long hours trying to keep down the minimum wage.
3. Maybe they'll stop complaining about salaries and do something about the
nation's oppressive highway speed limits.
2. Close to half have never been indicted.
1. If raise doesn't go through, have vowed to turn the whole thing over to
Quayle.
Lech Walesa's Top 10 Questions While in the United States - November 15, 1989
10. "Why are you so interested in our union, Mr. Gotti?"
9. "Mrs. Bush, could you please get Millie off my leg?"
8. "Am I your only dinner guest, Congressman Frank?"
7. "Are you joking? McRibs?"
6. "Is that just for Warsaw or for the whole country, Mr. Trump?"
5. "If Reagan wasn't coloring his hair, why is it growing in gray now?"
4. "Am I missing something with this Norm Crosby thing?"
3. "Could you get me another cup of coffee, Mr. Quayle?"
2. "That Dan Rather -- he's goofy, isn't he?"
1. "If I become an American citizen, can I change my name to 'Buddy'?"
Top 10 Signs Bush Is Still Tough on the Chinese - December 12, 1989
10. Refers to the Great Wall as "The OK Wall."
9. No NBA expansion team in China for three years.
8. Blocked their satellite feed of Leonard/Duran fight.
7. Has called for "No MSG" amendment to Constitution.
6. Had all Bruce Lee posters removed from Oval Office.
5. Has threatened to open branches of American savings and loans in China.
4. No White House puppies for Deng Xiaoping.
3. May name Quayle ambassador.
2. No Bat-Signal for Beijing police commissioner.
1. Has warned: "I can send back Dan Rather."
Top 10 Other Mistakes on the Quayle Christmas Card - December 21, 1989
10. It's Saint Nicholas -- not Jack Nicklaus.
9. Forgot apostrophe on "Bitchin'."
8. Burger King gift certificate past expiration date.
7. Couldn't keep Jesse Jackson from walking into photo.
6. Christ child pictured wearing fake Rolex.
5. Picture of Vice President nothing more than his head on Ann-Margret's body.
4. Manger home to sheep and goats -- not San Diego Chicken.
3. Bad idea to enclose unwrapped slice of ham with each card.
2. Third wise man shown giving Jesus National Guard deferment.
1. It's spelled D-A-N.
Top 10 Ways 1989 Could Have Been Worse - December 28, 1989
10. The Exxon Valdez could have been loaded with Cher perfume.
9. Dom DeLuise as Batman.
8. Penthouse. Leona. 'Nuff said.
7. A Gabor brother.
6. Entrepreneurs could've been selling souvenir chunks of Irving Berlin.
5. Ernest might not have saved Christmas.
4. My slap-fight with Barbra Streisand could have occurred on the air.
3. Bush could've picked a really, really, really, really dumb guy to be Vice
President.
2. McOysters.
1. If Jim Bakker had made it to the Vatican Embassy.
Top 10 Things the Nuncio Will Miss About Noriega - January 9, 1990
10. The way he'd sing "The Pina Colada Song" in the shower.
9. The thoughtful way he cleaned up after his voodoo blood rituals.
8. Made everybody else feel better about their complexions.
7. His fabulous collection of Miami Sound Machine albums.
6. The way you could make him jump 10 feet in the air by popping a paper bag.
5. Two words: balloon animals.
4. The way he'd treat for pizza when his CIA checks arrived.
3. That he didn't act like a big celebrity -- like Mickey Rooney did when he
stayed here.
2. His Dan Quayle jokes.
1. Simply the fluffiest blueberry pancakes on the isthmus.
Top 10 Provisions in the Bushs' Prenuptial Agreement - February 21, 1990
10. Barbara must remove heels before getting on water bed.
9. Even split of all Lotto winnings.
8. No tube tops -- except at amusement parks.
7. George will try not to spew pork rinds as he laughs like an idiot at "I
Dream of Jeannie."
6. During lovemaking, no jokes about cabinet positions.
5. In the event of divorce, 1,000 points of light to be divided 50/50.
4. To once a year recreate first date by drinking six-pack behind the 7-
Eleven.
3. In the event either becomes president, must pick vice president by shutting
eyes and picking name out of phone book.
2. For reasons too complicated to explain, Don King gets 10% off the top.
1. Don't come home from drinkin' with lovin' on your mind.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Opening of Trump's Taj Mahal - April 6, 1990
10. "Kindly take this gentleman's bags to room 1710, Merv."
9. "Would you please sign this prenuptual agreement?"
8. "I wonder if we'll catch a glimpse of the reclusive Mr. Trump."
7. "Of course your credit's good, Mr. Rose."
6. "Security! Security! Ivana on level five!"
5. "Merciful mother of god! With a single turn of the wheel -- my life savings
gone!"
4. "Which way to the Trump toilet?"
3. "I'm afraid we don't have a Yahtzee table, Mr. Quayle."
2. "Wow! I didn't know David Letterman could sing."
1. "I'm in Taj Ma-hell!"
Top 10 Excuses for Not Filling Out the Census - April 12, 1990
10. They're shy.
9. For some reason, thought it was an order form for Sea Monkeys.
8. You can't even win anything.
7. Waiting until after operation so I can list self as "woman."
6. Thought going to the window and yelling "Here!" was good enough.
5. Wasn't sure if, like on Jeopardy, answers had to be in form of a question.
4. Didn't know whether to count hostages in basement as boarders.
3. Hoping one of the census babes will come to my house in person.
2. Waiting for help with big words from my wife Marilyn Quayle.
1. Hey! I took part in "Hands Across America" -- you should've just counted us
then.
Top 10 Signs Your Kid Is a Loser - April 13, 1990
10. Neighborhood kids trade and collect his teeth.
9. Sobs uncontrollably every time he sees that "Hey Vern" guy.
8. Constantly using the phrase "Okie-dokie."
7. Turns you in to mall cops for parking in handicapped spot.
6. Turned down for date by Cher.
5. Tries to start the wave while watching game on TV.
4. Pesters Eddie Albert at "Green Acres" conventions.
3. When he grows up, wants to be "just like Dave."
2. Is U. S. Vice President.
1. Tends to sit in the backyard and eat crickets.
Top 10 Iraqi Nicknames for George Bush - April 27, 1990
10. Sherry-swilling yacht-monkey
9. Satan's Lambada partner
8. Quayle-picker
7. Four-eyes
6. The-never-had-anyone-even-close-to-Marilyn-Monroe president
5. Pork rind-munching goofball
4. Yale-educated father of five
3. Nancy Reagan's dress dummy
2. Trust fund weenie
1. Mr. Scared-of-broccoli
Millie's Top 10 Pet Peeves - May 1, 1990
10. Never any table scraps under Barbara's chair.
9. Getting the blame every time Marlin Fitzwater takes a leak on the couch.
8. When Quayle hogs the dog toys.
7. Spuds.
6. When the Korean ambassador gets hungry.
5. Barney Frank's flaming poodle.
4. Having the same name as that idiot "Vanilli."
3. When Mayor Barry bogarts your last joint.
2. Being known as "The First Bitch."
1. When Reagan shows up in his pajamas murmuring, "Nice kitty. Nice kitty."
Dan Quayle's Top 10 Complaints about France - May 9, 1990
10. Virtually impossible to find a box of Captain Crunch.
9. Long lines at Jerry Lewis movies.
8. People speak some kind of weird Moon-man language.
7. Water fountain in bathroom must be designed for midgets.
6. Snobby French won't elect their government officials unless they have
qualifications of some kind.
5. Dubbed version of "Ernest Goes to Camp" makes Ernest sound like a sissy.
4. Doesn't know how many hours ahead to set Mickey's hands.
3. Happy Meals taste different.
2. Language barrier inhibits execution of "pull-my-finger" trick.
1. Everyone keeps referring to him as "Le Bonehead."
Top 10 Ways Quayle is Preparing for the Summit - May 17, 1990
10. Making sign that reads "Gorbachev" to hold when he picks him up at airport.
9. Baking a really cool cake in the shape of a race car.
8. Looking at hundreds of photos of guys with red spots on their heads until
he no longer giggles.
7. Finding best Chernobyl jokes just to break the ice.
6. Learning to say, "Hi. I'm a bonehead." in Russian.
5. Bought a new hand buzzer.
4. Hitchhiking to South Carolina to load up on fireworks.
3. Reviewing East-West economic, social, and military issues so he may advise
the President on their global significance.
2. Co-hosting post-summit blowout with Mayor Barry.
1. Practicing his curtsy.
Top 10 Business Tips from the President's Son - May 24, 1990
10. Demand two pieces of I.D. before loaning a guy $100 million.
9. Business cards should include name, address, and phrase "My Dad's the
President."
8. Read my lips: cheat on taxes.
7. Have old man call tactical nuclear strike on new bank across the street.
6. Ask Quayle if he has two 10's for a 5. Repeat until you are rich.
5. Suck up to Trump.
4. Slugs usually work in White House condom machines.
3. Remind reporters that unlike Ron Reagan, Jr., you never wore leotards in
your life.
2. Big Gulp is best value at 7-Eleven.
1. If accused of bank fraud, best defense is a simple and elegant "Oops!"
Top 10 Jobs with More Security than Yankee Manager - June 7, 1990
10. Official car starter for Mr. Gotti.
9. Cleveland Indians World Series victory parade organizer.
8. Colombian judge.
7. Co-host on the Today Show.
6. Salesclerk, incredibly delicate porcelain vase shop, Beirut.
5. Curator of the George Plimpton Museum in Harlem.
4. Member of the New Monkees.
3. Handyman who puts new nameplate on Yankee manager's door.
2. Director of security at my house.
1. Guy who deflects things being thrown at Dan Quayle's head.
Top 10 Rejected Titles for Reagan's Memoirs - June 8, 1990
10. Still Hazy after All These Years
9. Fall Asleep Anywhere, Anytime
8. How To Make Love to a Shrewish Domineering First Lady
7. Those Parties at Mayor Barry's
6. Hey -- At Least I Didn't Pick Quayle!
5. Nancy Reagan's Autobiography of Ronald Reagan
4. 1001 Sam Donaldson Jokes
3. Uh
2. What? I'm Not Still President?
1. Hey Hinckley -- Pardon This!
George Bush's Top 10 Stress Busters - June 21, 1990
10. Menthol rubdowns from Sununu.
9. Calls Mike Dukakis; asks if "Lou Zer" is there.
8. Makes Secret Service agents ride bicycles into White House pool; tapes it
for "America's Funniest Home Videos."
7. Two words: malt liquor.
6. Takes off pants; sits on picture of Dan Rather.
5. Picks up hitchhikers on the Beltway; tells them about his grandchildren.
4. Gives First Lady the "Ol' Presidential Pardon," if you know what I mean.
3. Relaxes with Mayor Barry.
2. Tosses horseshoes at Quayle's head.
1. Has Barbara tell him again and again how he's overcome the wimp factor.
Top 10 Good Things about Being a Really, Really Dumb Guy - June 26, 1990
10. Never have to sit through long boring Nobel Prize banquet.
9. Pleasant sense of relief when Road Runner gets away from Coyote.
8. G.E. executive dining room has great clam chowder.
7. Seldom interrupted by annoying request to "put that in layman's terms."
6. Get to have own talk show with Canadian bandleader.
5. Stallone might play you in the movie.
4. Can feel superior to really, really, _really_ dumb guys.
3. Maybe get to be Vice-President.
2. Already know the answer when people ask, "What are you, an idiot?"
1. Fun bumper sticker: I'd rather be drooling.
Top 10 Other Campaign Promises Bush Has Broken - June 27, 1990
10. Birthday joyride on stealth bomber for every U. S. citizen.
9. Go 10 rounds with Dukakis at Trump Plaza.
8. To eat his own weight in birdseed twice a day.
7. Add mechanical shark attraction to White House tour.
6. A pony for Quayle.
5. Add Golden Girls to Mt. Rushmore.
4. To introduce a Brazilian dance craze with real staying power.
3. Provide big name guests and fresh new comedy every night. (Actually, one of
Dave's broken promises.)
2. That NBC's "Baywatch" would stay on the air forever.
1. Nude Elvis postage stamp.
Top 10 Complaints of Dennis Thatcher - July 10, 1990
10. Secret Service guys keep roughing him up and asking who the hell he is.
9. Mrs. Mitterrand is all hands.
8. Has to keep eye on World Cup Trophy whenever Helmut Kohl goes to take a
leak.
7. He gave Margaret a list of his ideas and she just put it in her pocket
without even reading it.
6. He and Barbara Bush have same neck size.
5. Every minute Margaret is at the conference table is a minute they can't be
back at the hotel entwined in burning passion.
4. Drove all the way to Dallas for 2 Live Crew concert and they cancel the
show.
3. The way George Bush and Margaret exchange knowing looks every time "foreign
withdrawal" is mentioned.
2. Dan Quayle's lousy coffee.
1. Worried about spending so much time away from whatever the hell he does for
a living.
Top 10 Slogans for the 1992 Democratic Convention - July 11, 1990
10. OK, we're serious this time.
9. Guys stay free in Barney Frank's hotel room.
8. Get your picture taken in the Batmobile.
7. Watch the fun as Gerald Ford shows up by mistake.
6. One of our presidents dated Marilyn Monroe.
5. We're digging up Lyndon Johnson and running him again.
4. The JKF Jr. kissing booth will be there.
3. We're the party without Quayle.
2. We may date dippy blonds, drink excessively, and harbor at home male
prostitution rings, but we'd never lie about taxes, which by the way, we plan
to raise.
1. Just wait 'til '96!
Top 10 Attractions and Exhibits at the New Nixon Library - July 17, 1990
10. G. Gordon Liddy kissing booth.
9. Bust of Spiro Agnew made of Karamel Korn.
8. Petition to get Nixon's name in that Billy Joel song.
7. Sonny, Red -- give Mr. Fulton this brand new Cadillac.
6. Pant leg where Chinese pandas had a little accident.
5. Gerald Ford backyard stunt show.
4. Five o'clock shadow petting zoo.
3. Julie and Tricia petting zoo.
2. "At least I wasn't Quayle" T-shirts.
1. Ride the Tricky Dick -- tallest roller coaster west of the Rockies!
Top 10 Things With the Same Statistical Probability as the Minnesota Twins
Turning Two Triple Plays in the Same Game - July 19, 1990
10. First ball of the season hurled by President actually reaches catcher
without bouncing.
9. Falling meteor crushes Ebert, spares Siskel.
8. No one within two miles wearing a Simpsons T-shirt.
7. Farrakhan named B'nai Brith Man of the Year.
6. A really, really dumb guy becomes Vice-President.
5. The Zodiac Killer turns out to be Joan Lunden.
4. Watching VH-1 for a half hour and not seeing a Phil Collins video.
3. Watching VH-1 for a half hour.
2. President Tyson.
1. The Yankees making one double play.
Top 10 Things George Bush Likes about David Souter - July 24, 1990
10. Wears the same size robe as Brennan.
9. Can pronounce "Sununu" without giggling.
8. Only federal judge who hasn't hit on Barbara.
7. Probably isn't the Zodiac Killer.
6. The colorful clothes he wears and the way the sunlight plays upon his hair.
5. Helped Dan Quayle beat the rap after he killed a guy at the dog track.
4. Heard he did magic tricks like the judge on "Night Court."
3. Can do this thing where he stops an electric car window with his head.
2. He has the figure for bicycle pants.
1. Once beat the crap out of Jacoby and Meyers.
Top 10 Ways Khadafy Can Regain Title of World's Most Insane Leader - August 15,
1990
10. Eat his own foot in front of Newsweek reporter.
9. Hijackings every hour on the hour.
8. Put inflated surgical glove on head at press conference.
7. Buy stock in Eastern Airlines.
6. Go on cross-country car trip with Joe Piscopo; ask, "Do you do
impressions?"
5. Continually ask himself, "What would Curly do?"
4. Appoint Quayle Vice-President.
3. Open a retail electronics store and sell stuff at prices so low he's
practically giving it away!
2. Marry Cher.
1. Try the McRibs.
Top 10 Last-Minute Things To Do Before German Reunification - October 2, 1990
10. Remove phrase "East Germany blows" from national anthem.
9. Decide which Elvis picture goes on new 50-Mark note.
8. Confirm arrangements for gorillagram announcements sent to all world
leaders.
7. Interview Emir of Kuwait as possible new leader.
6. Send out Quayle's invitation now, so it's sure to arrive late.
5. One final giddy night of East-West tensions.
4. For entertainment at ceremony, choreograph 100 Hitler impersonators.
3. Thank Letterman for orchestrating this whole reunification thing.
2. Stock up on Champale.
1. Practice saying, "We're going to Disneyland!"
Top 10 20/20 Features Currently in Production - October 11, 1990
10. What Irving Berlin has been up to since he died.
9. A chat with a man on the B train who used to be President of the United
States.
8. Billy, Hitler's talking dog, who looks just like a person, but he's a dog.
Really.
7. The New Jersey Nets visit the White House.
6. Where is he now? Former Senator Dan Quayle.
5. The inventor of the telephone -- Norman Telephoneman.
4. A lady with two dinosaurs in her yard. No, wait -- did I say two? It's
three at least!
3. Fact checkers: never had 'em. Never will!
2. Shirley MacLaine says, "I was Buckwheat!"
1. A guy from Pluto.
Top 10 Changes in Mount Rushmore - October 31, 1990
10. Time and temperature display in Theodore Roosevelt's forehead.
9. Removed big earrings from Lincoln because they made him look cheap.
8. Add Morey Amsterdam.
7. Elegant new "Washington's Nose Cafe."
6. Roosevelt and Jefferson now kissing.
5. Loud, untidy family of squatters evicted from Washington's ears.
4. Gag space that says: "Reserved for Dan Quayle."
3. Giant mechanical hand added that slaps them across face like the Three
Stooges.
2. Genuine sheepskin eyebrows.
1. The whole thing will be crawling with real live monkeys.
Top 10 Reasons To Give Dan Quayle a Raise - December 15, 1990
10. To begin teaching him the value of money.
9. He has to replace the crayons he ate.
8. His father threatened to make trouble.
7. To match the salary of Millie, the White House dog.
6. You'd rather he went out and got a real job and maybe screwed up an entire
industry?
5. So he'll stop selling his autograph at Star Trek conventions.
4. To show appreciation for his defending Indiana during the Vietnam War.
3. To keep the money out of the hands of undeserving teachers and
firefighters.
2. Oh what the hell -- they're only giving him play money anyway.
1. The White House lawn has been looking pretty darn sharp lately.
Dan Quayle's Top 10 New Year's Resolutions - December 28, 1990
10. Think of snappy comeback to Bentsen for that "You're no Kennedy" remark.
9. Finally get it straight: Democrats are the donkey, Republicans the
elephant.
8. Get Marilyn's little dog to write a book the way Barbara Bush got her's to.
7. Eat a zillion M&M's.
6. Stop picking up hotline phone to Moscow and yelling, "I've fallen and I
can't get up!"
5. Renew ties with family of ducks that raised him.
4. When meeting foreign dignitaries, try not to crack up and say, "What a
funny hat!"
3. Spend more time with imaginary friend "Leslie."
2. Three words: catch road runner.
1. Learn to say "Sununu" without giggling.
Top 10 Good Things About Being in Iraq Right Now - January 11, 1991
10. Practically no lines and Baghdad Aqua-Park and Super-Slide.
9. Get to be on CNN a lot.
8. If you have goofball name like "Saddam" or "Tario" no one makes fun of you.
7. Guys filling sandbags down at the barracks know all the latest Quayle
jokes.
6. Blasts from bombs may make the veils of hot babes fly off.
5. At least everyone has stopped talking about that damn "Twin Peaks" show.
4. If you're one of those people who really like giant posters of Saddam
Hussein, the place is like Disneyland.
3. Good chance whole country could be in next "Whatever Happened To?" book.
2. Can party like it's 1999.
1. It's still safer than New York City.
Top 10 Things Peter Arnett Does for Fun - February 5, 1991
10. Celebrity judge on Iraqi Dance Fever.
9. Each day tries a new falafel place for lunch.
8. Two words: veil chasing.
7. Daily letters to Jodie Foster.
6. Drives them nuts in Hussein's bunker by repeatedly phoning and asking if
"Shlomo" is there.
5. Swaps Quayle jokes with Iraqi censors.
4. Dreams about free trip he will take after he cashes in his frequent-flyer
miles from Eastern Airlines.
3. Nude volleyball with Republican Guards.
2. Put speakers out hotel windows and blasts "Born in the U.S.A."
1. Dresses up like Diane Sawyer.
Top 10 Signs the Iraqi Military Is Cracking - February 6, 1991
10. When allied bomb misses them, they no longer do "the wave."
9. Patriotic messages on Baghdad radio replaced with 12-in-a-row from Motley
Crue.
8. Everyone in Republican Guard now going by name "Dorothy."
7. Dan Quayle's father getting thousands of pleading phonecalls from Iraqi
troops.
6. Iraqi officers suddenly complaining that their bunkers smell like corn
chips.
5. Deserters describe widespread fear that U.S. is bringing in Chuck Norris.
4. Iraqi government offering a $100 reward to any Israeli who returns an
unexploded Scud in good condition.
3. French ambassador seen coaching Baghdad officials on how to snivel and give
up.
2. Thousands of applications from Iraq flooding New York City Taxi Commission.
1. American soldiers' cries of "Tastes great!" no longer trigger Iraqi
response of "Less filling!"
Top 10 Dog Excuses for Losing the Dog Show - February 15, 1991
10. Mistaken in assumption there would be a chance to show off talent for
drinking from toilet.
9. Thought I saw that little chuckwagon.
8. Bad idea going to Don King's barber.
7. Caught in a lie claiming to be Cycle Two dog when I'm really Cycle Three.
6. Shouldn't have picked Quayle as running mate.
5. My life-long losing battle with problem drool.
4. Spelled "ubiquitous" with two B's.
3. Didn't know that was the judge's leg.
2. Money goes to trainer anyway. So let him stand naked in Madison Square
Garden and get touched by a stranger in a bad suit.
1. Like me, the whole thing was fixed.
Top 10 Ways Bush Could Blow It in '92 - March 1, 1991
10. Unloads Barbara for a 19-year-old male prostitute.
9. Gets sick during White House ceremony; throws up on Super Bowl winners.
8. Lets Hussein stay in Lincoln bedroom for 6 months while he "gets his head
together."
7. Guest stars on "Matlock"; shoots Andy Griffith in the face.
6. It is revealed that he bet against the U.S. in the Gulf war.
5. Decides to grow stylish Hitler moustache.
4. Has Marlin Fitzwater hold press conferences shirtless.
3. Chooses Quayle as his running mate.
2. Gets careless about secret family in West Virginia.
1. Appears on Donahue as "Debi Bush."
Top 10 Ways To Tell You're Possessed - April 5, 1991
10. You feel stuffed, even after a light dinner.
9. Your voice sounds more and more like Bea Arthur.
8. You run around your Palm Beach house wearing nothing but a T-shirt.
7. You ask barber to cut hair a little more like Hitler's.
6. You find yourself wondering what sex with Cher would be like.
5. You don't have to use rearview mirror to look at the cars behind you.
4. You're a former cast member of "Diff'rent Strokes."
3. You're convinced you can make decorations out of orange peels.
2. You become Vice President of the United States even though you are a total
boob.
1. When "Father Dowling" comes on your eyes start to sting.
Top 10 Ways Quayle Can Build Up Public Confidence - May 7, 1991
10. Borrow those fake glasses Stallone wears to look smarter.
9. Have his Dad give everybody five bucks.
8. Think of snappy comeback to that "You're no John F. Kennedy" zinger.
7. All speeches lip-synched to voice of James Earl Jones.
6. Go on "American Gladiators" and kick ass in the Atlasphere.
5. Do that trick where it looks like you're pulling off part of your thumb but
you're really moving other thumb.
4. Appear before Subcommittee on Multiplication Tables.
3. Announce with quiet determination that he's leaving politics.
2. Get Bush to stop wearing "I'm with Stupid" T-shirt.
1. Win "Vice-Presidents Week" on Jeopardy.
John Sununu's Top 10 Other Ethics Violations - May 10, 1991
10. Used nuclear sub Ticonderoga to pick up carton of Luckies from Nantucket 7-
Eleven.
9. Used CIA technology to be 104th caller and win party weekend with Tesla.
8. Altered drivers license to John "Sunoco" and tried to get free gas.
7. Borrowed Fonzie's jacket from Smithsonian for Halloween party.
6. Appeared on "20/20" claiming to be Buckwheat.
5. Had presidential helicopter fly low over yard and trim his hedges.
4. Had Quayle wash his car.
3. Sneaking down to warehouse to eat government cheese.
2. Midnight lap parties at the Lincoln Memorial.
1. Acting weaselly in general.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Ballpark Last Night - May 16, 1991
10. I'm sorry, your Majesty, you're not allowed to bring coolers into the
stadium.
9. Look! She's trying to get the wave started again!
8. Don't worry. Beer won't stain ermine.
7. Hey Queen! Will you autograph my stomach?
6. Where's Quayle with the nachos?
5. What excitement! Our first ballgame! And tomorrow -- Motorhead on
Letterman!
4. Hey! Your Majesty! You want to pass me my change?
3. For a small woman, you sure can hold a lot of beer.
2. I don't care if you're the Queen of England -- you're sitting in my seat!
1. Oooh! That foul tip bent her tiara!
Top 10 Other Approved Exercises for Bush - May 22, 1991
10. Bench-pressing Sununu's expense reports.
9. Air guitar.
8. Doing the hula to Neil Diamond records.
7. Running to top of Capitol steps then jumping up and down like Rocky.
6. Joining Secret Service in game of keep-away with Quayle's hat.
5. Looking for leftover Easter eggs on White House lawn.
4. Crushing beer cans against his forehead.
3. Exercise the ol' pocket veto, if you know what I mean.
2. Sweatin' to the oldies.
1. Bar hopping with Ted Kennedy.
Top 10 Things Overheard at the Congressional Picnic - June 6, 1991
10. "Sununu looks good in those bicycle pants."
9. "Just go behind the monument."
8. "More Cheez Whiz, Congressman?"
7. "I'm a member of the House of Representatives. Stop calling me 'Gopher'!"
6. "No, Mr. Vice-President. You don't put the potato sack on your head."
5. "Isn't that Barney Frank and Bob Dole -- slow dancing?"
4. "Strom Thurmond has fallen and he can't get up!"
3. "Mrs. Bush just finished her 100th devilled egg!"
2. "Put your pants on, Mr. Kennedy."
1. "Could I have another taxpayer-subsidized burger?"
Top 10 Signs Sununu Is About To Be Fired - June 25, 1991
10. His desk has been moved out by the dumpster.
9. Only presidential meetings he can get is with Zachary Taylor.
8. White House paper boy asked if he could get his Christmas tip early.
7. "I'm with Sununu" T-shirts removed from gift shop.
6. During meeting, Bush says, "I thought we fired your ass."
5. When introduced, Yeltsin said, "You the guy they're losing?"
4. In 1560, Nostradamus wrote, "A fat guy with a funny name will fly free and
get fired."
3. Jack Kemp said he could get him a tryout with the World League of American
Football.
2. Asked to appear on Donahue show about chiefs-of-staff who've been fired.
1. Even Quayle won't give him the time of day.
Top 10 Ways the U.S. Would Be Different If Evel Knievel Were President - July
17, 1991
10. Nation's interstate system would include regularly spaced jump ramps.
9. Giant flame decals added to side of Air Force One.
8. More fatalities at annual Easter egg hunt.
7. Court packed with judges favoring 270 mph speed limit.
6. Secretary of state would wear special suit to greet diplomats while on
fire.
5. Son Robbie Knievel would be screwing up S&L industry.
4. While jumpsuit <ib>de rigeur<ie> at state dinners.
3. Quayle would still be Vice-President -- but his kids would take him
seriously.
2. Americans closer to dream of seeing guy jump over his own face on Mt.
Rushmore.
1. More babies named Evel.
Top 10 Highlights of Bush's Visit to Disney World - October 1, 1991
10. Posed as wax figure in Hall of Presidents and goosed tourists.
9. Surprised to discover Dukakis in a duck suit.
8. Cocktails and pellets with Mickey.
7. Millie getting into cryogenic chamber and licking frozen body of Walt
Disney.
6. Substantive discussions with Goofy regarding possible spot on '92 ticket.
5. Sununu using Dumbo ride to visit dentist in Orlando.
4. Demonstration of technology that allows costumed characters to go 3 days
without taking a leak.
3. 47 mouse-shaped ice cream bars consumed by Barbara.
2. Pluto and Millie sniffing each other.
1. Pluto and Quayle sniffing each other.
Top 10 Surprises in the Barbara Walters Interview with the Quayles - October
11, 1991
10. Overeager Dan started crying as interview began.
9. After every good answer, Barbara gave each of them a little snack.
8. Dan likes to sit in a trash bag and play Biosphere II.
7. Embarrassing way they made out during whole show.
6. He repeatedly asked the video technicians, "You guys making a movie?"
5. The audience didn't vote for a second date.
4. You'd think they would've stopped when Dan got the hiccups.
3. He was once pinched in the ass by Clarence Thomas.
2. His shock at learning all those Dan Quayle jokes are about him.
1. The way Dan kept referring to Walters as "Oprah".
Top 10 Duties of the New Guy on the Supreme Court - October 16, 1991
10. Polish coins the other justices flip when making a decision.
9. Summarize "L.A. Law" at Friday morning meeting.
8. Act as lookout when they go to egg Wapner's house.
7. Distribute profits from Supreme Court Action Figures.
6. Quietly endure coarse sexual comments from his superior, Sandra Day
O'Connor.
5. For first week, has to wear boxer shorts on outside of robe.
4. Drive the truck under the Supreme Court Rose Bowl float.
3. Feed the Supreme Cat.
2. Do the Vice-President's civics homework.
1. Return the keg and pay the hookers.
--
Myron Veeblefester [email protected]
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