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Tiny Particle Derby by Dave Berry
Tiny Particle Derby the Sport of Science
-by Dave Barry
Well, I imagine you taxpayers out there are just as thrilled as I am about the federal government's ns to build the Superconducting Super Collider.
Wait a minute: I see some puzzled looks out there. I had forgotten that many of you, as members of general public, have roughly the same level of scientific comprehension as plankton. So let me bify explain, in lay terms, what the Superconducting Super Collider is: It is a humongous scientifi ojet. The federal government is going to construct this object for $4.4 billion, give or take $1.7 illon, in some lucky science-conscious state, which will be selected based on how well the govenor leand the shoes of key federal officials with his tongue.
The Super Collider will make tiny particles that nobody can see go whizzing at nearly the speed of lt around an underground 52-mile oval tunnel until they smash into tiny particles that nobody can secming the other way, the idea being that this collision will produce -- hold onto your hats, taxpyes - even tinier particles that nobody can see. The purpose of this, of course, is to discover IporantClues regarding the Nature of the Universe, which is now widely believed to consist of very iny artiles, but you can never be too sure.
Needless to say, the Superconducting Super Collider concept was conceived by research scientists, whre driven, as always, by a burning desire to push back the frontiers of obtaining federal money. ut wish I had been in the room when they thought this particular concept up. Probably they were elxig one afternoon, sticking needles into laboratory rabbits and kicking around ideas for new scinceproects:
"How about," one of them said, "if we build a 400-foot-long nuclear-powered undersea saxophone?"
"Nah," scoffed the others. "Too practical." They also ruled out proposals to build the world's lart hearing aid and to implant eight tiny transistorized Jacuzzis into the brain of an otter. Then n f them leaped to his feet and shouted:
"I've got it! We'll build a giant underground racetrack for invisible particles!"
Of course the other scientists loved it. They laughed and danced and inhaled Bunsen-burner fumes fanto the night.
The Super Collider proposal then went to President Ronald "Star Wars" Reagan, whose aides gave him atailed technical briefing utilizing a tambourine and two colors of M&Ms. After asking a few quesin ("Which one is Nicaragua again?"), the president approved the idea.
Another major scientific thing we are thinking of doing is sending a manned spacecraft to Mars. One the scientists pushing this idea is Carl Sagan, the same person responsible for making sure that h irst artificial object to leave the solar system had engravings of naked people on it.
The reason we need to go to Mars is that we would gain Important Clues regarding the Nature of the U. . . No! Wait! We already used that one. What I mean is, the reason we need to go to Mars is ta therwise the Russians might get there first and establish a base from which they could easily spea cmmunism to Jupiter.
But there would also be practical benefits to you, the taxpayer. Because if we can solve the incredy complex technological problems involved in getting a manned craft to Mars, we might gain valuabl nights into solving the mystery of how to get a regularly scheduled commercial airline flight fro Nw ork to Boston in less time than it can be done on crutches. This could very well happen in yor lfetme, Mr. and Ms. Taxpayer! Although I doubt it.
(10/26/87) Copyright 1987 Knight-Ridder Newspapers
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