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More of Jack Handey's DEEP THOUGHTS
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets
right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to
keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build
to that.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey,
free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I
bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someones
neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh,
because what is that thing.
He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he
made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she
disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to
dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he
told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven--with a gun."
The memories of my family outings are still a source of strength to me.
I remember we'd all pile into the car - I forget what kind it was - and
drive and drive. I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some
trees there. The smell of something was strong in the air as we played
whatever sport we played. I remember a bigger, older guy we called
"Dad." We'd eat some stuff, or not, and then I think we went home. I
guess some things never leave you.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is
"God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to
tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world
is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding
on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Marta
said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should
write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started
saying it was a joke - just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I
thought I was lazy!
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take
my little nephew to DisneyLand, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "DisneyLand burned down." He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty
good joke. I started to drive over to the real DisneyLand, but it was
getting pretty late.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think
liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be wrong,
though. It's Hambone.
Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what
her dinner tasted like.
We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off and go fishing. But we
wouldn't be laughing that evening when he'd come back with some whore he
picked up in town.
I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to
town, we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad.
As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I
thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was,
and how I named him Flint.
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real
embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what is I was an ant, and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and you friends
are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you
were swimming.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one
of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a
bear.
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