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Crash course text file about depression. Good info

..LAYOUT 3
Dear Doctor,
I feel horrible. I just want to die. My life is a shambles. My career
is down the toilet. My love life is non-existent. My kids hate me. Nobody
cares. What should I do?

Dear Sue,
All of us have felt this way at one time or another, so you're not
alone. We really do care about you and your problems. There is a solution.
The problem in your life is that you are trying to take responsibility
for your actions. You should never have started doing this, but it's not
too late to change. Do the following:
1) Quit your job. The whole career scam is designed to make people
think they are going somewhere when they aren't. No one actually has a
career, they just keep doing the same old thing until they get too old,
then they die. You must absolutely NOT give any notice to your employer.
This is part of the "responsibility mentality." Just fail to show up. For
get about the severance check. See Step 3.
2) Poison your children. People seem to think that children are somehow
sacred. Wrong! They are just like any other disposable commodity. If they
don't turn out the way they should have, trash them. Just because they are
your children doesn't mean that they aren't still part of the food chain.
Please use an environmentally-approved poison. If you fail to perform this
step (which many feel is the hardest one) the retches will come back to
haunt you later, and will once again turn your life into a living Hell.
3) Get rid of all your possessions. Do not try to sell them, as you end
up with money which a weak-willed person such as yourself would inevitably
spend. Make a big pile containing everything you own and burn it. Remember:
possessions are burdens, which must be cared for, guarded, repaired,
replaced. You really don't need that kind of aggravation, do you? (Please
don't donate your possessions to the needy. This will only put them into
the same pathetic situation as you.)
4) Get rid of your spouse or SO. You have spent half your life trying
to please this person and what has it gotten you? Nothing. He cheats on you
with other women, he calls you "the old sperm bag" when you aren't around,
and deep in his heart loathes and despises you. Dump him. The best way to
do this is to wait until he comes home blind drunk again and passes out on
the couch after puking on the rug. Douse him with lighter fluid (or any
other handy flammable liquid), stand back a safe distance, and throw a few
lit matches in his general direction. For maximum effciency, this step can
be combined with step 3. (WARNING: some spouses carry insurance. This is
the last thing in the world you want. See comments in Step 3 again. Forge a
suicide note the husband/lover. This will invalidate most insurance poli
cies.)
5) Sell yourself into slavery. This will liven up your love life more
than you would believe. Eventually, you will be passed on to the right man
for you. (If this seems too extreme, as some people seem to think, you
might start off with a few years as a streetwalker. This will condition you
to the point that slavery will seem pleasant. are unsure of how to get into
"the life", look under "pimp" in your local Yellow Pages.)
If you do these things as soon as possible, your depression will fade
away like fog under the morning sun, you will look forward to each new
childlike anticipation, and life will seem like a bed of cherries.

Sure hope this has helped,
Dave X President, American Psychiatric Association
 
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