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More flag- licking satire
Durin Gleaves
Flag Licking, Is Everone Guilty?
Well, if them Commies ain't trying to take the world over, they's trying
to ruin America as we know it. They send their little Communist kids over
here to burn our flag, a symbol of all that is great in the country, right
on the street corner. And it's not just in my city, but I happened to flip
past the news looking for Current Affair, and I saw them burning the flag on
the Capital steps! And the government is going to let them do this? I hope
our president has more sense than that.
But the news of flag-burning is old. I haven't seen anything about it for
over a week since I saw that episode on the steps. It is a VERY important
issue though, beating out the S&L bailout, which hasn't been talked about for
almost four weeks. But something has been brought to my attention by Carl, my
bar buddy. He says he seen people practicing the vile practice of flag
LICKIN'! I told him that no one, not even some pinko commies, would be so
unpatriotic as to place their salivating tongue onto our monument of freedom
and remembrance to veterans. But I was so wrong.
Not even five minutes after getting into my smoky, yet classic Pinto, did I
see some delinquent, lickin' the Stars and Stripes! I pulled into a parking
space and walked over to tell the youngster just what I thought of his
no-goodness. He looked straight in mine eyes and told me something I wouldn't
even tell Carl in a whisper and then, rather loudly, mentioned something about
my weight.
I was enraged! I wouldn't hear anything more he had to say. I told him
there would be NO lickin' of ANY flags in MY COUNTRY. He just laughed, and
went right on lickin' it, like those guys who get high by lickin' toads.
When I got home, I told Flo, my wife of 25 years, what the hoodlum was doin'.
She tried to justify it by sayin', "Boys will be boys."
Even my own wife wasn't as carin' as me! I done couldn't believe my ears.
I sat down to write my local congressman about getting some butt movin' in
the White House to stop this. It don't say nuthin' 'bout lickin' flags in
the Constipation, does it?
I was pretty proud of myself. I read my paragraph to Flo, who said she
could tell I was mad, and then asked me to get out of the way. They were
having Zsa Zsa on Oprah. So, uncouthed and undented by my wife's response, I
put my letter in an envelope. I got a stamp and a couple bucks outta Flo's
purse, and started to address the envelope. The address was hard, and I had
to cross it out three times to get it down right. I then licked the gummy,
adhesive glue on the back of the envelope. Yuck. When will they make one
that takes like Coors?
I licked the stamp and stuck it's slippery little self to the envelope.
It was a beautiful sight. A few trees, a mountain, and a young boy holding an
oversized flag. OH MY GOSH! What had I done? I just licked a picture with a
symbol of the flag drawn on it! Was this as bad as lickin' an actual flag?
Was I as guilty as that Nazi communist boy who said I had more chins than a
Chinese telephone book? Was I as thick-headed as them folks that musta bribed
the good republican presidents into voting them into the Supreme Court (except
that woman, and we can all guess how SHE got in there..)
I was very confused. I hadda go down to Chip's Bar and Auto Supplies and
talk to Carl about it. He'd make me feel better. Him and a Bud always do.
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