|
|
 |
|
|
|
register |
bbs |
search |
rss |
faq |
about
|
|
|
meet up |
add to del.icio.us |
digg it
|
|
|
|
Funky humor
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking
by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk
to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said
"Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior
said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said "But mother
superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the mother superior said
"Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the
fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish
that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't
talk like that!", and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it:
a goddamn fish". So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and
I'll cook it". That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table,
and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the
goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish". And
the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish". And the new priest said:
"I like this fucking place already!"
------------------------------------------------------------
An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.
As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and
he falls. As he gets up, a seven year old kid, sitting nearby, turns to
him and says, "If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick,
it wouldn't slip."
The old man snaps back: "Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven
years ago, I would have a seat today."
------------------------------------------------------------
A native went to his first cricket match and described it
to his witchdoctor after he got back.
He said "It was a beautiful sunny Sunday. A big
crowd of people gathered around this giant grass field
with a thin strip of mowed and flattened pitch in the middle.
There were three sticks at either end of the strip.
A man in a long overcoat came out with two men in sweaters
and he tossed a coin in to the air. They went out and out
came eleven men in sweaters and white pants. One of them was padded
and had big gloves. Then out came two men with pads on their legs
and small gloves holding big sticks. They took positions at
either end of the strip and one of the other men came running
towards the wickets and threw this ball at the person holding
the stick. And lo and behold it started to pour.
White man sure knows how to make rain"
------------------------------------------------------------
Two guys, Stan and Ed, were working a construction job digging a
ditch. The foreman was at them all the time to keep busy. No breaks, just work,
work, work! Finally it dawned on the two guys that the foreman left every day
at 3:00 in the afternoon. So they decided to start leaving at 3:15.
The very next day when the foreman left at 3:00, Stan and Ed left at 3:15.
Stan goes home, walks through the house, opens the bedroom door, and there
on the bed is his wife and the foreman. Stan quickly runs back to the job and
digs like mad until 5:00. The next day when Ed arrives at work, Stan says,
"Listen Ed, we can't knock off work any more at 3:15... I almost got caught!"
------------------------------------------------------------
NEW INFANTS MIRACLE DIET FOR OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE
Flabby Americans are always on the look out for a new diet. The trouble
with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet) or
you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat
diet).
Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three days,
or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there
nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends that you've got a gland
problem? Or is there a slim hope? Such is the Infants' Miracle Diet.
Over the years, you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year olds are
trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that
perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians,
X-ray technicians and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new
diet. It is inexpensive, offers great variety and sufficient quantity.
Before embarking on the diet however, be sure to check with your doctor,
otherwise you might have to see him afterward.
FIRST DAY:
Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one peice of toast with grape jelly. Eat two
bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite
of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons
(any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only,
then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickle, four sips
of stale beer. Before Bedtime, toast a piece of bread and toss it on the
kitchen floor.
SECOND DAY:
Breakfast: Pick up stale toast off kitchen floor and eat. Drink half
bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of
Pulsating Pink Lipstick, and a cigarette (to be eaten not smoked). Ice cube
if desired. After lunch, lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside
and drop it in the dirt. Retrieve it and continue slurping until it is clean
again. Bring it inside and drop it on the rug. Dinner: A rock or and an
uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea
over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
THIRD DAY:
Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub fingers
in hair. Glass of milk, drink one-half, stuff pancakes in glass. After
breakfast pick up sucker from rug, lick off fuzz and put on cushion of your
best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
several bites onto the floor. Pour milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: dish
of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.
LAST DAY:
Breakfast: a quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive,
pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup sugar. When cereal is
soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor
and dining room carpet, including bites of sandwich you spit out yesterday.
One soft drink. Find sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti
and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.
totse.com certificate signatures
|
|
|
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
|
|
|
|
|
|
