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What computer salesmen REALLY mean - a glossary
THE PERSONAL COMPUTER AWARENESS DICTIONARY FOR BEGINNERS
Do you feel confused by the jargon of the personal computer revolution?
Afraid to enter the world of the computer salesmen to browse because you don't
understand their language? Well, here's a quick lesson on just what some of
those slick phrases you've heard REALLY mean!
IBM-COMPATIBLE: not IBM-compatible
FULLY IBM-COMPATIBLE: somewhat IBM-compatible, but won't run BASIC programs
100% IBM-COMPATIBLE: compatible with most available hardware and software,
but not with the blockbusters IBM always introduces the day after tomorrow
LAP-TOP: smaller and lighter than the average secretary
PORTABLE: smaller and lighter than the average refrigerator
TRANSPORTABLE: neither chained to a wall nor attached to an alarm system
HARD DISK: a device that allows naive users to delete vast amounts of data
with simple commands
MOUSE: a peripheral originally named "vermiform appendix" because of its
functional resemblance, renamed for its usefulness as a cat toy
PRINTER: an electromechanical paper-shredding device
MODEM: a peripheral used in the unsucessful attempt to get two computers to
communicate with each other
NETWORK: an electronic means of allowing more than one person at a time to
corrupt, trash, or otherwise cause permanent damage to useful data
DOCUMENTATION: a perplexing linen-bound accessory resorted to only in
situations of dire need when friends and dealers are unavailable, normally
employed only as a decorative bookend
USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with a full-color manual
VERY USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with an on-disk and audiotape tutorial, so the
user needen't bother with the full-color manual
EXTREMELY USER-FRIENDLY: supplied with a mouse so that the computer user
needen't bother with the on-disk and audiotape tutorial, the full-color
manual, or the program itself
EASY TO LEARN: hard to use
EASY TO USE: hard to learn
EASY TO LEARN & USE: won't do what you want it to
POWERFUL: hard to learn and use
MENU-DRIVEN: easy to learn
COPY-PROTECTED:
(1) a clever method of preventing incompetent pirates from STEALING software
and legitimate customers from USING it.
(2) a means of distinguishing honest users from thieves by preventing larceny
by the former but not the latter.
WARRANTY: an unconditional guarantee that the program purchased is actually
included on the disk in the box
VERSION 1.0: buggier than Mississippi in June, eats data
VERSION 1.1: eats data only occasionally, upgrades free to avoid litigation
by disgruntled users of version 1.0
VERSION 2.0: the version originally planned as the first release [except for
a couple of data-eating bugs that just won't seem to go away], no free
upgrades or the company would go bankrupt
VERSION 3.0: the revision in the works when the company goes bankrupt
NOW AVAILABLE: available any day now
AVAILABLE SOON: should be out within a year
AVAILABLE MAY 1: version 1.0 may ship to dealers August 1
STANDARD: similar to something else on the market
BACKUP: the duplicate copy of crucial data that no one bothered to make
SPREADSHEET: a program that gives the user quick and easy access to a wide
variety of highly detailed reports based on highly inaccurate assumptions
WORD PROCESSOR: software that magically transforms its user into a
professional author
BUSINESS GRAPHICS: popular with managers who understand neither decimals,
fractions, Roman numerals, nor PI, but have more than a passing acquaintance
with pies and bars
DATABASE MANAGER: a program that allows the user to manipulate data in every
conceivable way except the absolutely essential one he or she conceives of the
day after entering 20 megabytes of raw data
INTEGRATED SOFTWARE: a single product that deftly performs hundreds of
functions the user never needs and awkwardly performs the half-dozen he uses
constantly
WINDOWS: a method of dividing a computer screen into two or more unusably
tiny portions
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