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IBM DOS Virus: GENESIS - Genesis is a direct- actin
GENESIS CORPORATION -- Producer of the Cosmos' finest Toys, not to
mention your Uncle Harry and flash floods.
******************************************************************************
Genesis Corporation now presents its Environmental Impact Statement on Nuclear
Power. (As opposed to our Asteroid Impact statement on why "Where does a
Dinosaur sleep? Anywhere he wants!" doesn't apply to entities with _our_ kind
of clout! When we throw stones, we throw BIG ones!)
Nuclear Power was first patented in 1,359,026 A.B.B. (After Big Bang -- see
our upcoming report on Phlavored Photons) in a high-density hydrogen cloud
which shall remain nameless, mainly becasue we never bothered to give it one.
Most of our nuclear power plants for the last 15 or so billion years have been
in the form of "stars", none of which have ever been to Hollywood ('tho at
times, we've considered _sending_ some of them there to "roast" a few actors
we don't like).
Environmentalists have complained about the fact that none of these plants
have containment buildings, but they never stopped to consider just how many
planets we'd have to strip mine into nothingness just to get the raw materials
for the job. Besides, all of our stellar systems are _strictly_ zoned so that
no residential living is permitted within at least 10,000,000 miles of any
stars. This is well outside the normal radiation zone.
Others have expressed concern that we don't have adequate evacuation plans in
place in the event of an "accident" at one of our facilities." To this, we
say tough bananas -- if you're too primitive to see it coming and get out of
the way, your vaporization is no great loss. We also wish to point out that
if some of these reactors _didn't_ go critical once in a while, there wouldn't
BE any of you carbon-based organisms around to make a fuss in the first place
(remember, most of your atoms were first synthsized inside one of our
reactors). You talk too loud, we'll have a product recall -- such a suntan
you'll get you wouldn't _believe_!
******************************************************************************
Today's Genesis Corporation product spotlight is on just that, Light. This is
our first product and by far our most colorful to date. We have a wide
spectrum of Phlavored Photons, most of which are invisible to most customers
and, in fact, go right through them.
Photons were patented in 0.0000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 A.B.B.
(After Bheer Bhlast) and were based on an old family recipe we'd cooked up
10^-57 seconds earlier. We set them out in the universe to cool for a minute
after baking them, and lo and behold they started changing flavors! Grandma
never told us about this feature of them, so we assumed that our discovery of
this property was a first and promptly applied for patents on each new flavor
as it arose. (Grandma filed a patent infringement suit in 10^-36 A.B.B., but
we had both it and her thrown out of court for acting bitchy before the age of
29.)
We're particularly fond of our "Green" phlavor which has been rejected by
trillions of plants all over the cosmos (for those of you who never passed
high school physics, the phlavor of photons you see coming from anything is
the aggregate of all phlavors the thing _didn't_ eat and thus reflected).
One range of phlavors that has been particularly popular of late is "radio."
We deduce this from the amount of it spilling out from planets such as Earth,
where they evidently produce more of it than they can consume and export the
rest at no charge to neighboring star systems. We recently discovered the
catch in this presumed generosity -- they have added "artificial ingredients"
to their radio, such as "Fibber McGee," "The Shadow" and "American Top 40."
Test results on these additives are as yet incomplete, but we have exposed
Sirian Mice to them and the mice have yet to contract cancer. Mice in the
constellation Cancer, however, have become nauseous upon ingesting these
altered radio waves.
******************************************************************************
Genesis Corporation, through the magic of Time-Lapse Geology, now brings you
yet another product report. Today's special is on "Canyons."
Our report was filmed by a Mr. Wells at one frame per year. The running time
of the tape is 684 hours, which is why the movie is free -- we make a
_fortune_ on our popcorn sales! As you can see now on this specially-produced
videotape, we make our canyons by ...
Ah, excuse me Mr. Wells, didn't we instruct you to take your photos at 11 A.m.
each day, not at 11 P.m. after the pubs closed? You mean the whole tape was
shot at 11 p.m.? Hello, Banishing Department? I've got a Mr. Wells to go
"downstairs" on the next Express. Yes, I'll hold. OK, you'll get him on the
11 P.m. special? Good, I'm _sure_ he'll be free then. Oh, and arrange to put
him in the _Frost Class_ section so he'll appreciate the climate change more
when he de-"planes". Thanks and Hail, Caesar!
Well, folks, if you'll just bear with us for another few minutes, we'll get
you today's travelog with all the scenic splendor we promised. Just let me
make another phone call or two. Hello, Production Dept.? Get me Superman
(tm) and LucasFilms (tm). I've got a rush job ...
******************************************************************************.
Today, a secret internal memo from Genesis Corporation was unearthed which
shows a massive coverup operation has been in effect there for several
millenia now. Here's an excerpt from the shocking paper:
"Fossils" were first patented in 4004 B.C. (Before Colliseums), not in
529,774,109 B.C. (Before Cretaceous) as officially on file. They were created
to confuse the humans (created later that week) into thinking that their world
was older than it really is (even though it really is), despite the false
propaganda about our company spread by individuals falsely claiming to be
sales reps of ours that said nothing, even our fossils, could be older than
that (even though most things are, although our fossils, at least, aren't).
Fossils are constructed by cloning the remains of long-dead liforms, burying
them in places where they'll be preserved for at least 6,000 years and
implanting them with radioactive elements that have been aged in our
Weinberg cellars for several million years. This makes them appear to be as
old as the originals they were cloned from are. We don't let the originals
out of our own museums for the humans to pick over, however, since some humans
use them as soup bones, some treat them like Tinker Toys and try to string
them together for exhibits and the worst offenders paint them, label them and
lock them up in glass cabinets. They make no effort whatsoever to recycle
them, carve them into coathangers or jai-alai cestas or use them to fend off
apes wielding more recent animal bones who've been incited to riot by tall,
black, alien handball courts.
Current plans, also hidden in the secret internal file, call for making
fossils of the humans themselves for the amusement of future, more advanced
life forms. The human remains are to be preserved by coaxing the victims into
driving into tar pits melted into superhighways all over the planet.
******************************************************************************
Ah, fooled you -- you thought that the line of asterisks meant that there was
another product description coming up here. Well, not yet. We have to clean
our desks off once in a while, too, even if we _do_ work Saturdays. You'll
just have to wait until next week for another installment payment (or is that
installment of our writeups?). Unless you take the "J" bus down to 53rd St.,
take out a can of Silly String, paint a taxi purple with it and tell the
driver to take you to King Kounty Kar Wash in Seattle to get it cleaned off by
your brother Morty for only $59.95. You're not allowed to tip the driver more
than 9% or $2700, whichever is less.
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