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A nasty horoscope
Aries March 21 - April 20
Taurus April 21 - May 21
Gemini May 22 - June 21
Cancer June 22 - July 23
Leo July 24 - August 23
Virgo August 24 - September 23
Libra September 24 - October 23
Scorpio October 24 - November 22
Sagittarius November 23 - December 21
Capricorn December 22 - January 20
Aquarius January 21 - February 19
Pisces February 20 - March 20
Aries: March 21 - April 20
HAIL THE RAM
YOU WANT TO SHOUT
BUT EVERYBODY
SAYS "BUTT OUT."
An ability to direct others, self confidence, courage and an urge to
pioneer in unexplored areas are the most prominent traits that you lack,
though the list is lengthy. You are facinated with failure and have
devoted your life to achieving it. All Aries are nervous, high strung,
and sexually offensive. Many Baseball umpires and Republican Senators
were born under the sign of the Ram. Aries men tend to be plain and
flatulent while Aries women, on the other hand, are nearly always stocky
and flatulent. Nobody likes to sleep in a pup tent with an Aries.
WHAT YOUR SYMBOL, THE RAM, MEANS TO YOU:
Watch the Ram carefully. Notice its magnificent horns. You too are
magnificently horny.
LUCKY BIRTHSTONE: Coal
FAVORITE FLOWER : Ragweed
FAVORITE READING: Labels on Barbiturate bottles
FAVORITE HOBBY : Going into Bankruptcy
BEST DAY OF WEEK: Any day lamb chops are not served
- ARIES PERSONAL FORECASTER -
WEALTH : You will lose your shirt in the stockmarket. Otherwise, it
will be a bad year.
HEALTH : A doctor will examine you and immediately order a new
Cadillac.
ROMANCE: Soon, you will make a new friend. It won't last.
- ARIES ASTRAL ALMANAC -
MONDAY : Try not to wear anything that will offend your minister,
rabbi or priest; name your hips after battleships;
concentrate on trying to make it through the day.
TUESDAY : You can have a good time with someone who respects you,
providing you can find such a person; this is a good day
to go to Chinatown and do your Charlie Chan impressions;
avoid salesmen who wince when they look into your eyes.
WEDNESDAY: Personal affairs are best started today, but steer clear of
strangers with tape recorders strapped to their bodies;
also, steer clear of rhubarb, buckwheat, mung sprouts and
puppies covered in applesauce; try not to make a fool of
yourself in the supermarket again.
THURSDAY : You should try to keep your promises to loved ones today,
if you have any loved ones; don't put off weight control
programs; take five minutes and re-examine the high points
of your life.
FRIDAY : The planets are favorable right now , so try to get
picked-up in the automat; cooperate more with partners who
know how to throw money around; let others see your very
best impression of a person without money or brains.
SATURDAY : Steer clear of those who make you feel inferior,
unattractive and unwanted, such as your family and
immediate circle of friends; organize your work well, then
pay someone to do it; try to get a small dark person in an
armlock.
SUNDAY : Get into the activities that please you most, only this time
pick a secluded area; a good time to make an investment in
an electric barley mine; trust others to lead you astray.
Taurus: April 21 - May 21
YOU TELL YOURSELF
"MY LIFE'S SO FULL,"
YOU KNOW THAT'S JUST
A LOAD OF BULL.
As a rule, you are weak and unreliable, yet unattractive and dull. You
probably suffer from dandruff, and are either an alcoholic or will marry
one. You rarely have an opinion about anything important, when you do, it
is always wrong. You love flashy jewelry and ride on the subway without
underwear. You like to steal groceries. You almost always fake your
orgasms. There has never been a great painter who was a Taurus. When you
die, no one will bother to bury you.
WHAT YOUR SYMBOL, THE RAM, MEANS TO YOU:
Since you lack the common traits generally associated with the ability
to make a living... namely strength and intelligence... you rely on
bull to see you through life.
LUCKY BIRTHSTONE: Granite
FAVORITE FLOWER : Plastic Orchid
FAVORITE READING: "Do not remove this tag" tag
FAVORITE HOBBY : Finding discarded newspapers at the bus depot
BEST DAY OF WEEK: The day they come for the trash
- TAURUS PERSONAL FORECASTER -
WEALTH : You will marry anyone with change for a dollar.
HEALTH : A psychiatrist will ask you to leave his office for
depressing the other patients.
ROMANCE: Someone will hang an "out of order" sign on your hips.
- TAURUS ASTRAL ALMANAC -
MONDAY : Tie dye a German shepherd; buy a Cadillac and have the bill
sent to a welfare recipient; offer to undress Princess Di.
TUESDAY : Borrow against someone else's life insurance; try to explain
to a loved one where you were last night; bury a bottle of
Scotch near the place where you will be sent to jail.
WEDNESDAY: Start to plot against your in-laws; compliment your favorite
bartender by drinking everything he has behind the bar; buy
knickers for your cat.
THURSDAY : Try to have both eyes open by noon; try to have your hair
combed by 5 p.m.; hold your breath until someone gives you
a kiss.
FRIDAY : Do something to improve your posture; chuck a littly person
under the chin; if you've got it, spread it around.
SATURDAY : Wear something that will make someone you know stop and
stare; leave the cap off a toothpaste tube; learn to wiggle
when you walk.
SUNDAY : Try to remember where the bruises came from; try to get into
crossword puzzles; yawn, belch, scratch your stomach and go
back to sleep.
Gemini: May 22 - June 21
THREE IS COMPANY
FOUR'S A BORE,
BUT WHEN YOU COME
THEY'VE GOT TWO MORE.
You have a split personality, neither of which is popular. You often
speak to yourself in the supermarket and like to go into a resturant alone
and ask for separate tables. You are petty, overbearing and self-serving
and have never been kissed on the lips by anyone who meant it. You can
never get flowers to grow, don't like people who ride bicycles and haven't
ever been asked for your autograph. Later, people will pay to see you
hang.
WHAT YOUR SYMBOL, THE TWINS, MEANS TO YOU:
You are two-faced, double jointed, and always take twice as much as you
need. You suffer enough for twins when you are punished.
LUCKY BIRTHSTONE: Ice
FAVORITE FLOWER : Poppy
FAVORITE READING: Last Will & Testament
FAVORITE HOBBY : Stuffing Bustards
BEST DAY OF WEEK: Monday
- GEMINI PERSONAL FORECASTER -
WEALTH : You will come into contact with a large fortune.
HEALTH : You will learn that money cannot buy good health.
ROMANCE: You will learn that not everyone loves a person who has come
into contact with a large fortune.
- GEMINI ASTRAL ALMANAC -
MONDAY : Take two showers today but don't use soap; create life in
your bath tub; say no to everyone but Troy Donahue.
TUESDAY : Pay close attention to your zipper; look up your first
sweetheart and ask to borrow a fleeting moment of your
youth; go into a bathroom and turn off the light.
WEDNESDAY: Say yes to the first six people who ask you anything; kill a
DeSoto and bring it to Dolly Parton; spoil yourself rotten.
THURSDAY : Break bread with someone who has at least one grey hair;
pour out your troubles to someone who does not do well in
English; whistle at someone who is not as cute as you.
FRIDAY : Challenge Fidel Castro to a pie fight; hide but don't seek;
orchestrate the overthrow of civilization as we now know it.
SATURDAY : Eat breakfast twice today, but don't drink coffee; join a
splinter group that advocates petting on the first date; pay
someone to perform a very personal service.
SUNDAY : Pull the covers over your head and stay in bed all day;
compose a song about your adventures as a child; try to
remember the last time you won anything.
Cancer: June 22 - July 23
LIFE LOOKS DREARY,
BLEAK AND DRAB.
IT'S NO WONDER,
YOU'VE GOT CRABS.
Highly defensive and inwardly directed, you are an accomplished whiner and
an old hand at provoking sympathy when undeserved. Chances are you have
bad body odor and have never been invited to spend the night in a
trailer. Salespeople do not like you. No one will take your side in an
argument because you have never been right. Many people who work for the
government are Cancers. So are many people who are single uncles.
Somebody gave you a present once; it was a canker sore.
WHAT YOUR SYMBOL, THE CRAB, MEANS TO YOU:
The crab has a hard, protective body covering, a shell, just as turtles
and nuts do. The indications are that you are not only slow, but nuts.
LUCKY BIRTHSTONE: Zinc
FAVORITE FLOWER : Deadly Nightshade
FAVORITE READING: Pornography
FAVORITE HOBBY : Complaining about the weather
BEST DAY OF WEEK: Day the rent is due
- CANCER PERSONAL FORECASTER -
WEALTH : You will sow. You will not reap.
HEALTH : Soon you will start to feel good. It will not last.
ROMANCE: You will be named "Laziest Lover of the Decade."
- CANCER ASTRAL ALMANAC -
MONDAY : Go to a high place and ask the man above if you can skip
Monday this week; vow to become a better person; put on
your lucky underwear.
TUESDAY : Take the car apart and reassemble it into a 350 horsepower
blender; challenge a virgin to a gin drinking contest;
remove Charo's batteries.
WEDNESDAY: Get mad at the Russians and threaten to turn the Kremlin
into excelsior; learn to catch mosquitos with your tongue;
give an older person a reason to live.
THURSDAY : Teach a baby to snap its fingers; be vague about your sex;
learn to spawn.
FRIDAY : Mix a drink that will put somebody under the table; only
hurt the ones you love, but not enough to leave bruises;
make a naughty phone call in Pig Latin.
SATURDAY : Go into a beauty parlor and ask if they give estimates;
give it all up for someone with almond eyes; throw yourself
at a complete stranger -- and the stranger the better.
SUNDAY : Speak only when spoken to; swear off raisins, mangoes,
roasted chestnuts, figs, and Ripple; don't do anything
strenuous.
Leo: July 24 - August 23
KING OF THE JUNGLE,
TOP OF THE HEAP,
YOU TRY TO ROAR
AND OUT COMES "PEEP"
You are strong, courageous and confident when dealing with those smaller
than you. Other times you are cranky, irascible and preoccupied with
survival. You are a front runner, a braggart, and a shameless name
dropper. Many Leos wet the bed.
WHAT YOUR SYMBOL, THE LION, MEANS TO YOU:
You tend to be shaggy and colored like this creature -- yellow. And you
spend much of your time lying.
LUCKY BIRTHSTONE: Fossilized stool
FAVORITE FLOWER : Pansy
FAVORITE READING: Superman Comics
FAVORITE HOBBY : Watching cars rust
BEST DAY OF WEEK: Day the sheets are changed
- LEO PERSONAL FORECASTER -
WEALTH : So You're not rich. At least those little sores will
go away.
HEALTH : When they come back, they will be big sores.
ROMANCE: You will never have another date for as long as you live.
- LEO ASTRAL ALMANAC -
MONDAY : Try like anything to get the bad taste out of your mouth;
get down on your hands and knees and beg the lord to change
the day to Friday; tell the doctor your middle name and see
if that makes the pain go away.
TUESDAY : Be prepared to shrug off complete financial disaster; curse
the unseen forces of the universe; wallow in self-pity.
WEDNESDAY: Run along the curb and bark at a delivery truck; mix the
word "toidy" into your conversation; swear that if they let
you live until the weekend, you won't ever have another bad
thought as long as you live.
THURSDAY : Make a half-hearted pass at Mother Nature; pull on your
hair to make it grow; say "no" to the last six people you
talk to today.
FRIDAY : Pay your rent in pennies; go to a nightclub and boogie your
brains out; compose suggestive bumper stickers.
SATURDAY : Wear a sign that says, "Come And Get It $5.00"; go with the
flow; perform a personal service for someone with great
legs.
SUNDAY : Practice fainting for pity; try to adopt an aura of quiet
dignity; keep your mouth shut if you know what's good for
you.
Virgo: August 24 - September 23
YOU'VE GOT THIS STRANGE URGIN'
THAT WON'T GO AWAY,
THIS SIGN PROBABLY WON'T LAST
THE REST OF THE DAY.
You are greedy, selfish and spoiled. You have never had a charitable
thought and are addicted to mirrors and quick sex. Many Virgos are also
drug addicts. You feel very incompatible when you pass a church and are
more at home in the company of bi-sexuals. Cleopatra was a Virgo.
WHAT YOUR SYMBOL, THE VIRGIN, MEANS TO YOU:
Precious little.
LUCKY BIRTHSTONE: Diamond
FAVORITE FLOWER : Snap Dragon
FAVORITE READING: Price tags on foreign cars
FAVORITE HOBBY : Skiing on money
BEST DAY OF WEEK: Payday
- VIRGO PERSONAL FORECASTER -
WEALTH : A hobo will approach you on the street and give YOU
a quarter.
HEALTH : They will discover a cure for the common cold. It will work
on everyone but you.
ROMANCE: An attractive person will ask you to dance. You will wonder
why.
- VIRGO ASTRAL ALMANAC -
MONDAY : Make a date to have your cupcakes iced; make a date to have
Ronald Reagan's cupcakes iced; mind your own beeswax.
TUESDAY : Practice the breaststroke; make your peace with the Lord;
struggle to maintain your dignity.
WEDNESDAY: Take off your hat and say a little prayer for a hockey team;
oil all your drinking water; run amok if it makes you feel
good.
THURSDAY : Call all your friends and make them feel guilty; send a note
of gratitude to a brassiere factory; learn to hold your
in-laws in higher esteem.
FRIDAY : Look life in the eye and spit; if asked, be evasive about
your place of birth; show someone your legs.
SATURDAY : Tell everyone you're a counsellor in a home for wayward
members of the opposite sex; speak knowingly to someone
with big, blue eyes; have a drink in memory of the twist.
Give away a leisure suit.
SUNDAY : Run to the roof and cry, "The birds, the birds, I must tell
the birds"; sign a petition to deny women the vote; quote
liberally from the Book of Job.
Libra: September 24 - October 23
I HOPE THIS DON'T TAKE
ALL THE WIND FROM YOUR SAILS,
BUT SOMEONE HAS GONE
AND UNBALANCED YOUR SCALES.
You are charming, sensitive and intelligent. Why must you steal? The
Libra is a generally unstable personality. On the one hand, Libras are
snide and vicious backbiters. On the other hand, they rarely have
anything nice to say about anyone. Many Libras are known child molesters
and all have disabling allergies. The Marquis de Sade loved to dismember
Libras.
WHAT YOUR SYMBOL, THE SCALES, MEANS TO YOU:
It means that if there is any justice, one of these days, you're gonna get
yours.
LUCKY BIRTHSTONE: Gallstone
FAVORITE FLOWER : Narcissus
FAVORITE READING: Obituary Page
FAVORITE HOBBY : Barging in on consenting adults
BEST DAY OF WEEK: Fridays after work; any day after work.
- LIBRA PERSONAL FORECASTER -
WEALTH : Your ship will come in. It will run aground and sink.
HEALTH : Your tummy will be displayed at a diet workshop.
ROMANCE: Cupid will shoot you with a howitzer.
- LIBRA ASTRAL ALMANAC -
MONDAY : If you've got it, spread it around; talk knowingly about
groats; make friends with a bisexual.
TUESDAY : Bring the word of God to Cleveland; put on your lucky
underwear; get into foam.
WEDNESDAY: Accept the fact that you are just a little cog in the big
machinery of life; start drinking cheap wine; if tears don't
work, try plea bargaining.
THURSDAY : Build a monument to sloth; stand in front of a mirror and
practice being steely eyed; keep telling yourself, "You
got it, baby. Never lose it."
FRIDAY : Stare at a white wall and pretend you're at the drive-in;
hot wire a marine; take a lover who is beneath you.
SATURDAY : Go into the bathroom and don't come out until Tuesday;
address someone you otherwise know and respect as "Elk
breath"; hover around an attractive person.
SUNDAY : Be prepared to suffer another disappointment; get a snootful
and propose to someone who looks like the queen mother;
take to wearing dickies.
Scorpio: October 24 - November 22
PEOPLE SHY AWAY FROM YOU
AND NEVER KISS OR HUG,
YOUR MOTHER THINKS YOU'RE CUTE
BUT AFTER ALL YOU'RE JUST A BUG.
You are somewhat of a loner. That is because no one likes you. You were
unpopular in high school and always sat by yourself at football games.
They wouldn't let you into the army because they thought you were a
Communist. All Scorpios have fat ankles and are hypochondriacs. Many join
the National Rifle Association. Billy the Kid was a Scorpio.
WHAT YOUR SYMBOL, THE SCORPION, MEANS TO YOU:
Scorpions are mean, vile creatures, completely lacking in social
amenities, who have to live under rocks. That is where you should live,
under a rock.
LUCKY BIRTHSTONE: Glass Marbles
FAVORITE FLOWER : Poison Ivy
FAVORITE READING: Rest Room Graffiti
FAVORITE HOBBY : Racing Cockroaches
BEST DAY OF WEEK: Day your exterminator comes
- SCORPIO PERSONAL FORECASTER -
WEALTH : You know that great job you wanted? It will go to a
younger person.
HEALTH : A nurse will look at you and burst into tears.
ROMANCE: Someone will ask your sex, and you won't know it.
- SCORPIO ASTRAL ALMANAC -
MONDAY : Get into tartar sauce; admit that life is the pits; try to
go with the flow.
TUESDAY : Beat your Harley into plowshares; try not to go to the
toilet until Thursday; admit that you are the pits.
WEDNESDAY: Anticipate financial disgrace; do something suggestive with
cream cheese; boil out your socks.
THURSDAY : Chug-a-lug Yoo Hoo; eat what the rich folks eat; bargain for
your self-respect.
FRIDAY : Just lay back and let it happen; try to articulate your
attraction to failure; avoid buying others drinks.
SATURDAY : Speak no evil of green veggies; swear off junk art; make a
young widow grateful; leave mandarin oranges where they will
be seen by fools.
SUNDAY : Try to conserve your energy; don't bother running after
slobs; try not to snort when you laugh.
Sagittarius: November 23 - December 21
A GOD INCARNATE?
THE IMAGE PASSES,
YOU REALLY ARE
HALF MAN'S, HALF ASS'S.
All Sagittarians have a natural ability for searching out trouble and
having fun at other people's expense. They are oafish, unfeeling, and
dimwitted. Other than that, Sagittarians are not very nice. When the
revolution comes, Sagittarians will be the first to go. Sagittarian women
always have small bazooms and big hips. Sagittarian men all tend to go
bald at an early age. Many FBI agents and meter maids are Sagittarians. So
was the guy who started World War I.
WHAT YOU SYMBOL, THE CENTAUR, MEANS TO YOU:
Centaurs are extinct. Soon all Sagittarians will be too.
LUCKY BIRTHSTONE: Fool's Gold
FAVORITE FLOWER : Poison Oak
FAVORITE READING: Writs of habeus corpus
FAVORITE HOBBY : Gluing fat people into their underwear
BEST DAY OF WEEK: Day you meet with your parole officer
- SAGITTARIUS PERSONAL FORECASTER -
WEALTH : You will seek additional compensation for your services.
They will laugh at you.
HEALTH : It is likely you will improve a personal sport record.
ROMANCE: You will meet a tall, dark stranger.
- SAGITTARIUS ASTRAL ALMANAC -
MONDAY : Run to the top of a hill and scream, "Oh, no, not again";
go into the linen closet and don't come out; have some good
excuses ready.
TUESDAY : Spread yourself real thin; make eye contact with a person you
like but don't respect; put everything you've got into electric
twinkies.
WEDNESDAY: Roll over and go back to sleep; admit to yourself that your
life is nothing more than a cheap soap opera; tell someone
about your first romance.
THURSDAY : Have a religious experience in traffic; stop swimming against
the tide; don't underestimate the power of a right to the kisser.
FRIDAY : Start to keep a diary in which you never once tell the truth;
dance to the beat of everyone else's drummer but try to lead;
flip the tax collector the bird.
SATURDAY : Admit to yourself that life is dealing to you from the bottom
of the deck; ask why, why not, why me?; give up exercise
forever; don't speak to people whose names begin with numbers.
SUNDAY : Speak only when spoken to; try not to rock the boat; give it
all up for a man with tattooes.
Capricorn: December 22 - January 20
WHEN YOU ARRIVE NO FUSS IS MADE,
NO ONE SINGS A NOTE,
THEY THINK YOU'RE INSIGNIFICANT,
IT'S REALLY GOT YOUR GOAT.
Capricorns are always cold and usually have bad taste in clothes and
friends. They are blind when it comes to matters of the heart and
frequently marry badly. Many Capricorns are heavy and moody. They are
also easy. Al the famous carriers of venereal disease have been
Capricorns. Capricorns are very unpopular and rarely get invited out,
except by others who have carnal intentions. Capricorns usually whimper
when they are happy.
WHAT YOUR SYMBOL, THE MOUNTAIN GOAT, MEANS TO YOU:
Mountain goats are reclusive animals and don't like tro be seen in public.
Get the hint?
LUCKY BIRTHSTONE: Hail
FAVORITE FLOWER : Iceburg lettuce
FAVORITE READING: Divorce proceedings
FAVORITE HOBBY : Laughing at people paying alimony
BEST DAY OF WEEK: Day of your psychiatrist appointment
- CAPRICORN PERSONAL FORECASTER -
WEALTH : You will win a million dollars worth of cling peaches.
HEALTH : A doctor will advise you to cut down on fruit.
ROMANCE: It is likely your next affair will be with someone round and fuzzy.
- CAPRICORN ASTRAL ALMANAC -
MONDAY : Go to a quit place and ask, "Why me, God, why me?"; face the
fact that if not for your nose, you would be a big star; work
off your aggressions with silly putty.
TUESDAY : Count the times in the last year that you have been really
happy; count the times in the coming year that you expect
to be happy; ask yourself, what is happiness, anyway?
WEDNESDAY: Go to a store and charge yourself into the poor house;
practice looking holier-than-thou; try to tuck in your
buttocks.
THURSDAY : Promise yourself that no matter what, you will never lose
your sense of humor; humor a judge by asking him what he has
on under his robes; tickle a fat person's fancy.
FRIDAY : Keep a drink in your hand at all times, just in case the well
runs dry; enter a Minnie Pearl look-alike contest; try to be
upbeat, even if it makes you look like a fool.
SATURDAY : Have your way with a bluegrass band; turn on the love light
in someone's eyes; crawl under the bed and stay there.
SUNDAY : Bemoan man's inhumanity to man as you painfully search for an
Alka-Seltzer; learn to feint with the right hand and jab with
the left.
Aquarius: January 21 - February 19
YOU THOUGHT THINGS WOULD GET BETTER
BUT THEY AIN'T BETTER YET,
YOU CAN CLAIM TO BE ENLIGHTENED
BUT WE KNOW YOU'RE ALL WET.
Aquarians like to touch themselves. They frequently have small, stingy
bodies and faces that remind decent people of fish. Many Aquarians smoke
hashish and chew garlic and have rotten teeth. Aquarians also enjoy
playing the fool. They are lazy, decadent and prone to fits of jealous
rage. Many pickpockets are Aquarians. The guy who invented waterbeds was
an Aquarian.
WHAT YOUR SYMBOL, WATER, MEANS TO YOU:
Like the tide, your mind is constantly changing. You are wishy washy.
LUCKY BIRTHSTONE: Ice Cube
FAVORITE FLOWER : Water lily
FAVORITE READING: Books on water polo
FAVORITE HOBBY : Giving sponge baths to nubile teenagers
BEST DAY OF WEEK: Any day it rains
- AQUARIUS PERSONAL FORECASTER -
WEALTH : You will get friendly with someone pretty high up. He will
give you a tip on the stockmarket and you will invest a lot
of money.
HEALTH : When you see how bad this tip is, you will get sick.
ROMANCE: This will end your love affair with people in high places.
- AQUARIUS ASTRAL ALMANAC -
MONDAY : Start singing "900 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"; overcome
your fear of fried foods; think of something to shock the
neighbors.
TUESDAY : Keep singing "900 Bottles of Beer on the Wall"; pray that
you will open your eyes to find yourself in a compromising
position; ask God if you can come out of the doghouse.
WEDNESDAY: For a change, try to sparkle today; practice slinking; keep
singing "900 Bottles of Beer on the Wall."
THURSDAY : List the first 10 things you would do if you were President;
start to wear loose clothing; perfect your impression of a
pig in heat.
FRIDAY : Try humming the rest of "900 Bottles of Beer on the Wall";
do your best to get in the mood; give up doing the dishes
forever.
SATURDAY : Adopt a devil-may-care attitude about paying your bills;
wink at strangers; offer to change places with the Pope.
SUNDAY : Spend more time in front of the TV; have your mother-in-law
sent someplace where the sun don't shine; spend the rest of
the day wallowing in despair.
PISCES: February 20 - March 20
HAVE CORRECTIVE SURGERY
DONE IF YOU WISH,
WHEN THE CUTTING'S OVER,
YOU'LL STILL BE A FISH.
Pisces are known for their personality disorders and uneven temperaments.
Though frequently slim and aristocratic in appearance, they are typically
dense and uninteresting. Pisces are known for their cowardice and
aversion to pain. Benedict Arnold was a Pisces. So was the Sheriff of
Nottingham. Most Pisces have broken marriages but don't know it. Pisces
usually marry young, have children, get lobotomies, and go on to become
corporate vice presidents.
WHAT YOUR SYMBOL, THE FISH, MEANS TO YOU:
Well, fish are slimy, too.
LUCKY BIRTHSTONE: Road apple
FAVORITE FLOWER : Kelp
FAVORITE READING: Classic comics
FAVORITE HOBBY : Letting the air out of automobile tires
BEST DAY OF WEEK: Friday
- PISCES PERSONAL FORECASTER -
WEALTH : You will turn a profit at a sporting event.
HEALTH : You will not live to spend it.
ROMANCE: There will be an upheaval in a personal relationship.
- PISCES ASTRAL ALMANAC -
MONDAY : Make a list of 10 reasons for not getting out of bed; don't
get out of bed; start a business where you don't have to get
out of bed.
TUESDAY : Speculate on the sexual habits of your closest personal friends;
think about moving away; paint extra toes on both feet.
WEDNESDAY: Put a little sugar in your bowl, put a little dog in your roll;
try anything to make the headachs go away; think small.
THURSDAY : Don't have breakfast but have seconds for lunch; try understanding
the mugger's point of view; see if you can acquire the mineral
rights to Charlie Chaplin.
FRIDAY : Go against someone's grain; ask the first person you see if you
can touch their soul; would you believe their thigh?
SATURDAY : Get on a bus and start passing out hickeys; don't do anything
that will cost you your dignity; ask God if you can start all
over again.
SUNDAY : Drive yourself to the brink and look over, then try to do the
crossword puzzle in the Times; spend money that isn't yours;
kiss your way into the Guiness Book of World Records.
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