About
Community
Bad Ideas
Drugs
Ego
Artistic Endeavors
But Can You Dance to It?
Cult of the Dead Cow
Literary Genius
Making Money
No Laughing Matter
On-Line 'Zines
Science Fiction
Self-Improvement
Erotica
Fringe
Society
Technology
register | bbs | search | rss | faq | about
meet up | add to del.icio.us | digg it

Joe Bob Briggs on Genetic Engineering






From the Cosmic Wisdom of Joe Bob Briggs:

DESIGNER GENES

The National Institutes of Health got a big check from the government to
study the 100 trillion cells in the human body and find out how they can mess
with fetuses to upgrade the population. In other words, if I understand this
deal right, they're gonna figure out exactly what each gene does and why your
body is put together with little twisted ladders that have nose hairs growing
out the sides. (I made D's in biology, I'm doing the best I can.)
Anyhow, there are some things about your genetic DNA that I think you
ought to know, things that they've already found out:
1. They have isolated the SAT gene. When enlarged a billion times
under the electron microscope, the SAT gene shows an exact score, "567
verbal, 685 math." This means that, when the baby is born, he's already
coded for the SAT and doesn't really need to study for it. He can if he
wants to, but there's not really any point. You've either got a Harvard
baby or a Chico State baby, and there's nothing you can do about it.
2. The strongest, most weather resistant genes belong to cement
contractors in the Ozark mountains. If left unchecked, these genes will
gradually dominate over all other genes in America, and we will become a
race of mashed-potato eating hawkers of concrete.
3. Researchers have discovered a "wild card" gene in independent
insurance agents that causes them to put satellite dishes in their front
yards.
4. We now know that Brigitte Nielsen can't help it.
5. The desire to surf is caused by a chromosomal disorder called
"Dude syndrome," where normal shapes of the 43rd and 44th chromosomes
become juxtaposed in a "goofy-foot" pattern. This can be corrected with
long-term therapy, but early tests show that patients lose the desire to
surf but develop an even stronger desire to hang-glide.
6. Playboy playmates and Sports Illustrated swimsuit models were
tested separately for signs of any special "jiggle" genes, and it turned
out that the Playmates were missing large portions of their cerebellum.
This has nothing to do with genes. It was, however, a great relief to
the anguished husbands of Playboy Playmates.
7. Fourteen-year-old boys at the East Windham Preparatory School in
Bridgeport, Connecticut, were put to sleep to see if this would have any
effect on their parents. Later, researchers went to the Bedford School
in Asheville, North Carolina, and reversed the process, to see if the
death of a parent would have any effect on the student. In both cases,
it took an average of two years for the family member to notice something
"missing." Further research showed this to be the result of what is now
called the "scotch-and-soda" gene group, which also causes these people
to order personalized checks with swans on them.
8. Bryant Gumbel has no genes. Researchers are looking into the
possible reasons.
9. A strong faction within the federal government wants to take the
genes of Marlo Thomas, graft them to the genes of Charles Manson, and see
what happens. "You get that extra little oomph in the mix when you mix
apples and oranges," explained one researcher. To test this idea, lab
technicians are using Marlo Thomas rats--rodents that display Marlo
Thomas-type behavior--and Charles Manson rats. So far the tests are
inconclusive, since all the Marlo Thomas rats have devoured the Charles




Manson rats.
10. A special top-secret unit of the NIH is looking into the
ethical problems surrounding the search for perfect genes. Would it be
ethical, for example, to eliminate cancer gene from the population, if
it also meant losing professional women's volleyball? The answer, at
this point, is a probable no. "It's too much like playing God," one of
the guys said. "If the Almighty put professional women's volleyball on
the earth, He must have had a reason. Who are we to judge?" Another
question being looked into is: "If you took all the genes from a
bodybuilder like Arnold Schwarzenegger, and you injected them into the
body of Pee-Wee Herman, what would it look like?" This project has been
temporarily delayed due to an outbreak of nausea among the team doing the
work.
My personal opinion of this project is that I don't think it should be left in
the hands of the people with defective genes who are in charge right now. We
should wait until we have much healthier genes, like maybe after we've grafted
some ET genes onto the human race, and then turn these guys loose with a test
tube, Otherwise, one of em's gonna look up and say, "We seem to have had a
little accident here in the lab," and then a hundred years from now we'll all
have walrus teeth and hickeys on the end of our noses. Sandy Duncan would be
president. It's not something you really wanna think about.


 
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.

 

totse.com certificate signatures
 
 
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
Hot Topics
favorite PC game
RE4: The Mercenaries
What was that game...
My buddy said...
Best N64 Games
Why no love for Forza Motorsport?
Which free MMORPG do you recomend?
I can't finish games anymore
 
Sponsored Links
 
Ads presented by the
AdBrite Ad Network

 

TSHIRT HELL T-SHIRTS