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Life 5.C

X-NEWS: camins rec.humor: 1398
Path: spang.Camosun.BC.CA!news.UVic.CA!ubc-cs!uw-beaver!cornell!batcomputer!caen!zaphod.mps.ohio-staedu!uwm.edu!linac!att!ucbvax!XEROX.COM!cate3.osbu_north
From: [email protected]
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Life 5.C
Message-ID: <"23-Apr-92.13:08:08.PDT".*[email protected]>
Date: 23 Apr 92 20:08:08 GMT
Sender: [email protected]
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"What a fool believes, he sees..."

----------------------------------------------------

From G.B. Shaw:

"Common sense is instinct. Enough of it is genius."

----------------------------------------------------

We are all cast in the same mould, but some are mouldier than others.

You know you're growing older when you look forward to a dull evening.

Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.

Put your Nose to the Grindstone!
-- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's picture on a milk carton

If at first you don't succeed ...
redefine success.

----------------------------------------------------

Brien's First Law:

At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization,
its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.

----------------------------------------------------

Churchill's Commentary on Man:

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth but most of the time he
will pick himself up and continue on.

----------------------------------------------------

The Roman Rule
The one who says it cannot be done
should never interrupt the one who is doing it.

----------------------------------------------------

From a series of Murphy's Laws for Programmers:

If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong.

----------------------------------------------------

Hind's Law # 7 (Program Complexity)

Program complexity will grow until it exceeds the capabilities of
the person who maintains it.

----------------------------------------------------

Keir's Conundrum:

APL is a write-only language.
(I can write programs in APL but I can't read any of them.)

----------------------------------------------------

Anthony's Law of Force:

"Don't force it, get a larger hammer."

----------------------------------------------------

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
-- W. C. Fields

----------------------------------------------------

Patient: It hurts when I do this.
Doctor: Don't do that

----------------------------------------------------

I saw this on a wall in Washington, D.C.:

IGNORANCE IS WORST THAN HAVING AIDS

----------------------------------------------------

"Look and Feel", a bit too far?

I noticed this this morning:

"The shape and appearance of this package constitute a
trademark of the John O. Butler Co."

-- seen on a container of Dental Floss!!!

----------------------------------------------------

from Letterman 7/27...

bumper sticker on stealth bomber:
"if you can read this, then we wasted 50 billion dollars".

----------------------------------------------------

(a la Dave Barry)

The REAL secret behind the Stealth Bomber is - don't tell anybody! - it's
17 inches long! Next time they show it on the evening news, press your
head real close to the screen and you'll see that the "pilot" is actually
She-Ra, Princess of Power, from the He-Man collection of action figures.
(Bear in mind that this is classified information.) This tiny size will
enable the Stealth to penetrate Soviet airspace.

----------------------------------------------------

"My university loves and listens to all my opinions as long as I continue
to pay them $16,000 per year."

----------------------------------------------------

One day a baseball player is sitting on the bench along with the coach
and a few managers. Suddenly, the coach starts saying, "Germany,
Italy, Spain, Brittan." The guy looks at him and says, "Huh?" to
which the coach replies.... "Europe!"

----------------------------------------------------

Now-it-can-be-told Dept.: Basketball coach Jim Valvano of
North Carolina State, on his marriage: "I thought her name
was Lavini and that she was Italian. It was Levine and she was
Jewish. She thought because of my big nose I was Jewish. We
were married for three years before we knew we had a mixed
marriage."

----------------------------------------------------

IQ TEST
The football team of Texas A&M took an IQ test.
High point man was the Tackling Dummy.

------------------------------------------------

What's the Difference?
What's the difference between a 4 year research
grant and a 4 year athletic scholarship?

The athletic scholarship comes with a grant of immunity.

-------------------------------------------------

Mathematical Formula

lim (major) = P.E.
GPR-->0

--------------------------------------------------

Quote from Famous Economist:
Football has as much to do with Education as
Bullfighting has to Agriculture. Veblen

--------------------------------------------------

Another Quote from the Great Economist:
Sports makes Higher Education palatable for
Students who do not belong. Veblen

----------------------------------------------------

Source: Wall Street Journal, 10 July 1989, quoting a photo caption in the New
York Times, 11 May 1989:

Chevrolet is turning to Walt Disney to help promote its new Lumina.
Advertising will be filmed at Walt Disney World, where market tests show
that Mickey and Minnie will bring believability to the product.

----------------------------------------------------

Seen in a pharmacy, source unknown...

Ideas don't last long in some heads because they can't stand
solitary confinement.

----------------------------------------------------

"I see computers as an engine, and that's a good term because computers are
like automobiles...Computers help you an awful lot with speed but are almost
useless in terms of charting direction." -- Nobel Prize Winner Arno Penzias

----------------------------------------------------

About eight years ago, in Jeff MacNelly's comic strip "Shoe", the Perfesser
purchased a dedicated word processor. He was bragging to Skyler about how
it would improve the quality of his writing. As they unpacked it and
prepared to set it up, Skyler began to read the instructions aloud:

"First also may to put greatest tab A very fine and through the around
slotting."

----------------------------------------------------

Definition of a computer.....

A million morons working at the speed of light.

----------------------------------------------------

Ad in the back of July 17 PC Week:

Private Hi-tech Company seeks BSEE with minimum 3-5 years
experience in IBM PS/2 MicroChannel Architecture.

That will be pretty tough, considering that the PS/2 hasn't existed
for three years.

----------------------------------------------------

Sometimes you just need to work a bit:

Yesterday on WCAU radio (Philadelphia) the hourly cash call contest
reached an answering machine which had a recorded message something like

Hi. We're not able to come to the phone now, but if this is the
cash call the amount is $1765.

The machine had the right amount. The owner listened to the radio at
work and recorded the corrrect amount every hour. He had been doing this for
the last two months.

----------------------------------------------------

>From The Economist of July 8, page 49:

Mensa, the club for "highly intelligent people", advertised
a competition in a children's newspaper--closing date,
June 31st.

----------------------------------------------------

The Land of The Frozen Dead
What do you call a North Dakotan with a third grade education?
Professor

What do you call a north dakotan with a one way plane ticket to MT?
smart

What is the best thing coming out of North Dakota?
I 94

What's the North Dakota state tree?
The telephone pole.

What's the North Dakota state bird?
The mosquito.

The only thing between North Dakota and the North Pole is a barbed-wire
fence. Of course, it blew over in the last blizzard.

If North Dakota were to seceede from the Union, it would be the third
largest nuclear power in the world (Minot AFB, Grand Forks AFB; 300
missles, 35 bombers).

North Dakota: So far from Heaven, so close to Montana.

For your information, this was NOT posted from a tractor. It amazes
me how many city folk confuse big tractors with combines...

----------------------------------------------------

I noticed this when reading the directions for my new office phone.

"If there is any trouble, disconnect the unit from the telephone line and
connect a known working phone. If the known working phone operates properly,
have it repaired by one of the specified Panasonic Factory Service Centers."

Talk about planned obsolescence!

----------------------------------------------------

(Repairman told me this joke last evening - since I raise Rottweilers
and exotic birds, and own the "money pit" somehow it seemed appropriate.)

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dish washer quit
working. Typically, he couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours"
appointment, and since she had to go to work, "I'll leave the key under
the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter and I'll
mail you a check. By the way, I have a large Rottweiler inside; he
won't bother you. I also have a large parrot, but whatever you do, DON'T
TALK TO THE BIRD!"
Well, sure enough the dog totally ignored the repairman, but the
whole time he was there, the damned parrot cussed, yelled, screamed,
and about drove him nuts. As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist,
"You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!" To which the bird replied,
"Killer, SIC'EM!!!"

----------------------------------------------------

I work for a company servicing computers. This one particular customer
had an old console-type machine with a print head that would ride back
and forth on a spiral shaft. They also had a big bushy cat who liked to
sit on the edge of the printer next to the operator.......

Well....... one day we got a service call that said "Cat caught in
machine, come quick!".

When I arrived I saw everyone sitting around mending thier various
wounds, scratches and contusions. No sight of the cat. It appears that
while they were running the machine the cat was twirling his tail in
his usual fashion and stuck it down into the printer at the most
inopportune time and got SUCKED IN! Apparently the cat absolutely
freaked out and tore/scratched the shit out of everyone who came close.
They finally freed the cat and to this day he has a kinda "crook"
in his tail and goes nowhere near the machine. :-)

----------------------------------------------------

I don't understand these complaints about the postal service. Time was,
you could put a two-cent stamp on a letter and mail it, and it would
arrive at its destination in two days. Now you put a twenty-five-cent
stamp on a letter and it can take three to four weeks to arrive.

Still only a penny a day!

(From the letter column in Harper's Magazine, in response to an article
about the US Post Office.)

----------------------------------------------------

[Paraphrased from The Reader's Digest Complete Do-It-Yourself Manual]

Ever go to the hardware store and buy nails? You'll notice that common nails
are measured in units called d's. The smallest common nail you'll find is a
2d nail (1" long) and the largest common nail is the 60d (6" long). For some
reason, they don't have 1d common nails.

The d stands for "penny." You would pronounce "2d nails" as "two penny nails."
This penny rating was originally the price per 100 nails. 100 two penny nails
would set you back two pennies, 100 six penny nails would cost you six pennies.

Penny is abbreviated as "d" instead of "p" because it derives from "denarius,"
an early Roman coin.

----------------------------------------------------

Worcester, Mass. police put out unusually specific information about a May
robbery suspect because he had decided to rob a tailor, Philip Smith, only
after Smith had measured him completely for a new suit.

----------------------------------------------------

[Los Angeles] Daily News, August 2:

At the side of a road near a highway department cabin in southen Norway, a
red and white traffic sign illustrated with a specter warns drivers of an
unusual hazard: ghosts crossing. The cabin, formerly used by highway watchmen,
is reputed to be the site of many unexplained incidents. According to highway
department spokesman Geir Hasle, "Some of our people have experienced so many
strange things at the cabin that they swear there are ghosts in the area."

----------------------------------------------------

When a San Mateo County sheriff's deputy approached Barry Buchstaber, who
was standing suspiciously beside a car with two broken windows, and asked
for identification, Buchstaber handed the deputy the only document he had:
a copy of a current arrest warrant against him for driving with a suspended
license.

----------------------------------------------------

This is a true incident...

This morning I went to the gas station on my way to work. As I was
getting ready to leave a nice looking lady pulled up next to me in a
Firebird. The pump were located on the passenger side of the car.
She got out of the car and walked around to the passenger side to
unlock her gas cap. I could plainly see that the tank was on the
driver's side of the car. After a few seconds of looking (with a
confused look on her face) she walked to the back of the car, stared
then walked back to the driver's side where she noticed the tank. I
couldn't help but laugh a little. She got back in her car and
proceeded to turn around. Instead of pulling back into the spot she
was before she went to the other side of the pump -- meaning the
pump was still on the passenger side of the car. She got out again,
walked around to the passenger side and looked for the tank. She
looked really confused this time. She walked back around to the
driver side and looked at the tank. She looked as if she wanted to
say "How the hell did that get over here??"

As I drove away I noticed her get back in her car and drive off.
Guess she didn't need gas that bad.

----------------------------------------------------

I once saw a person in a Jaguar, which had a single tank but a gas cap
on either side (to avoid the problem the previous posting mentions)
drive up to a gas station and insist on the attendant filling both
sides. He tried to explain that there was only one tank, but she
wasn't having any of this nonsense--she made him put the nozzle in and
hold it till it clicked off (which happened immediately, of course).

----------------------------------------------------


 
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