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Life 5.E

X-NEWS: camins rec.humor: 1966
Path: spang.Camosun.BC.CA!news.UVic.CA!ubc-cs!uw-beaver!news.u.washington.edu!nntp.uoregon.edu!cs.uoon.edu!mips!swrinde!zaphod.mps.ohio-state.edu!cis.ohio-state.edu!ucbvax!XEROX.COM!cate3.osbu_northFo: [email protected]
Newsgroups: rec.humor
Subject: Life 5.E
Message-ID: <"29-Apr-92.22:15:35.PDT".*[email protected]>
Date: 30 Apr 92 05:15:35 GMT
Sender: [email protected]
Reply-To: [email protected]
Lines: 497



----------------------------------------------------

The Jan 11, 1988 US News & World Reports was mistaken. There is
(and on that date was) no such person as "Economist John Kenneth Galbraith."

The tag should have been "the social activist and former economist,
John Kenneth Galbraith."

The last time John Kenneth Galbraith published a work on economics
in a refereed publication was 1957.

----------------------------------------------------

[Los Angeles] Daily News, July 12:

Don't try fixing your spaceship in your back yard, especially if you live
in Fremont, California. According to a Fremont ordinance, it's illegal to
repair a vehicle in a residential zone. This includes not only automobiles
but also "vessels, aircraft and spacecraft." In compliance with the law,
Fremont's Mayor, Gus Morrison, who helps make spacecraft for Lockheed
Missiles & Space Co., has promised not to take his work home.

----------------------------------------------------

In Fairfield, California, 23 students in the American Studies class at
Fairfield High made a door-to-door survey in the residential section,
carrying what they described as "a possible amendment to the Constitution"
... "Unconstitutional," was one citizen's reaction after reading it.
Another: "Gibberish." A third volunteered that "This would increase the
sale of marijuana" and a fourth scoffed "Sounds like SDS stuff to me"

... Of the 850 Fairfield residents contacted, only 290 though the proposed
amendment should become part of the Constitution and only only EIGHT PER
CENT recognized that it actually WAS a verbatim copy of the First Amendment
to the Constitution ... Report John Silva, who wrote an excellent piece
about this incident for the Vallejo Times-Herald, adds that "one top
Fairfield official refused to sign it, and his wife begged off, explaining
that her husband's job forbade it."

----------------------------------------------------

Seen on a bumper-sticker in El Segundo:

HE'S DEAD, JIM --
You Grap His Tricorder,
I'll Get His Wallet

----------------------------------------------------

Suppose to be a true story:

During a rather severe earthquake in California, Fred ran out of his house
and was watching his chimney collapse when he realized that Peggy, his wife,
was still in the house. Fred went back in and found Peggy standing in the
bathroom with water up around her ankles.

When Fred asked Peggy what she was doing, Peggy, who was used to being blamed
for everything, said, "Honest to God, Fred, all I did was flush the toilet!"

----------------------------------------------------

A little boy was visiting his grandparents on their farm and became attached to
one of the kittens. This kitten, having no road sense, was killed by a passing
car right in front of the little boy. The grandfather buried the kitten behind
the barn, and the grandmother distracted the boy by giving him cookies and milk.
While the little boy was eating, the following conversation took place.

"Grandma, what happened to the kitten?"
"It was killed by a car. The kitten is dead."
"Where does a kitten go when it dies?"
"God takes the kitten to heaven."

The little boy took another bite of cookie and then said, "But, Grandma, what
does God want with a dead kitten?"

----------------------------------------------------

The last will:
I leave:
To my wife, my overdraft at the bank -- maybe she can explain it.
To my banker, my soul -- he has the mortgage on it anyway.
To my neighbor, my clown suit -- he'll need it if he continues to farm
as he has in the past.
To the ASCS, my grain bin -- I was planning to let them take it next
year anyway.
To the county agent, 50 bushels of corn, to see if he can hit the market
-- I never could.
To the junk man, all my machinery -- he's had his eye on it for years.
To my undertaker, a special request -- I want six implement and
fertilizer dealers for my pallbearers. They are used to
carrying me.
To the weatherman, rain and sleet and snow for the funeral, please --
no sense in having good weather now.
To the gravedigger -- don't bother. The hole I'm in should be big
enough.

----------------------------------------------------

A young man enters a rare, esoteric abbey. This abbey has the
unusual requirement that each monk was allowed only 2 words each 20 years.
After his first 20 years, the abbot calls him in and asks what
are the 2 words he would like to utter for this 20 years.
"Cold food", says the monk.
After his second 20 years the old abbot calls the monk in and
asks what are the 2 words he would like to utter for his second 20 years.
"Hard bed" the monk says.
After his third 20 years the ancient abbot calls the monk in
and asks what will be his 2 words for this passed 20 years.
"I quit!" says the monk.
"I'm not suprised", says the abbot, "you've been complaining for 60 years!"

----------------------------------------------------

Fun with statistics:

Peter Ludwig, a caver from Austria who is appalled by American driving
habits, offers the following advice:

The probability of being involved in a traffic accident is directly
proportional to time spent on the road. Driving fast decreases one's
exposure.

One third of traffic accidents are caused by drunk drivers; two thirds
are caused by non-drunk drivers.

Therefore, the safest way to drive is drunk and VERY fast.

----------------------------------------------------

For the Yosemite scenes, Shatner went to his costume designers and said
that he wanted the 23rd century equivalent of Levis. The guys told him
that they couldn't make Levis, only Levi could, so they called them in to
see what they could do. Well, Levi said that they hadn't changed 501s in
150 years and they didn't see any reason to do so in the next 300 years, so
they gave them a bunch of 501 button fly jeans. There you have it. Levi's
plans for the next 300 years.

As a side note, I read this in the San Jose Mercury News. I also read
there that Levi Strauss was one of the biggest users of CAD systems.
Apparently they use the visualization capabilities to view different fabric
patterns on their designs. Seems it is cheaper than running the fabric and
making jeans.

----------------------------------------------------

(A poem by Ogden Nash)

The centipede was happy quite
Until a toad, in fun,
Said, "Pray, which leg goes after which
When you begin to run?
That worked her mind to such a pitch,
She lay distracted in a ditch,
Considering how to run.

----------------------------------------------------

Several years ago, a major meat packer decided to run a series of radio
commercials. The idea was to hold contests on radio stations in which the
first 10 callers would win large supplies of sirloin steaks. So they hired
a market researcher to prepare a report on how the whole thing should be run.

The report contained a paragraph like so --

After careful research, we feel that an appropriate name
for the contest would be "High Steaks." We believe that
the majority of radio listeners are intelligent enough
to understand the double entendre. The only geographical
area in which we found the intellectual sophistication
lacking is Memphis, TN, and there we recommend that you call
the contest "Free Meat."

----------------------------------------------------

In Omaha, KQKQ pulls a practical joke of sorts on every holiday that is
celebrated with picnics (4th of July, Labor day, etc.). They say that
OPEC (Organization of Potato-salad Exporting Countries) is trying to force
up the price of potato-salad, they also have "reports" of potato-salad
shortages and roits. Listeners often call in and report things like persons
selling potato-salad without a permit and people stealing potato-salad.
The station also reports places that 'still' have potato-salad for $xx.xx
a pound (usually a real high price $20.00). Last time the leaders of
OPEC forced the annoucer of the air, then he locked them out and made a
last report before they broke the door down and drug him screaming from
the room.

----------------------------------------------------

I'm told that one of the Vienna newspapers ran a huge
headline on 1 April 1919:

Archduke Franz Ferdinand found alive.
World War fought by mistake.

----------------------------------------------------

Sign from back of truck:

DRIVER CARRIES NO MONEY
HIS WIFE HAS IT

----------------------------------------------------

Recently I was walking through Columbia's School of International Affairs.
Several of the doors had a most ingenious sign placed on them It was set up
in such a way that you'd only see it when the door was closed. The sign read:

DOOR CLOSED


Up in Riverdale there are street signs printed entirely in uppercase helvetica
that read:
NO PARKING RULES WILL BE ENFORCED

In a supermarket in Westchester, I once saw:

THIS IS THE EXPRESS LANE.
YOU ARE LIMITED TO FIFTEEN ITEMS OR LESS.
THE NUMBER FIFTEEN IS NOT SUBJECT TO NEGOTIATION.

While in Venice one summer, I saw street signs as follows:

PER S.MARCO --->
<--- PER S.MARCO

----------------------------------------------------

These are actual signs seen across the USA:

In a New York restaurant: Customers who find our waitresses uncivil
ought to see the manager.

On a movie theater: Children's matinee today. Adults not admitted unless
with child.

In a florida maternity ward: No children allowed

In the offices of a loan company: Ask about our plans for owning your home.

In a toy department: Five santa clauses, no waiting.

On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible
prices and workmanship.

On military bases: Restricted to unauthorized personel

On a display of "You're my one and only" valentine cards: Now available
in multi-packs.

In a funeral parlor: Ask about our layaway plan

In a clothing store: Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks

In a men's clothing store: 15 mens wool suits -- $10.00. They won't
last an hour!

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee: Archery tournament. Ears pierced.

In downtown Boston: Callahan Tunnel/No End

In the window of a general store: Why go elsewhere and be cheated when
you can come right here?

In a Maine restaurant: Open 7 days a week and weekends

In a New Jersey restaurant: Open 11AM to 11PM Midnight

In a Pennsylvania cemetery: Persons are prohibited from picking flowers
from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a private school: No tresspassing without permission

In a library: Blotter paper will no longer be available until the public
stops taking it away

In front of a New Hampshire car wash: If you can't read this, it's time
to wash your car.

----------------------------------------------------

Not a Through Street
No U-Turn

BUS STOP
Buses Excepted

----------------------------------------------------

Black Lady behind counter: Here's your keys sir, You'll find the
car just outside the door in stall 5.

me: (after walking two steps toward door and noticing something's
missing)
Uh. Stall 5? There no car in stall 5

her: well I'm sure it out there, look around

me: In fact there are no Dk. Blue car's in your parking lot at all!

her: Hmm let me have a look. (Walks to window, confirms that indeed
no car in parking lot even resembles a Dk. blue Delta 98)

(With-out missing a beat) Well it must have been stolen

me: What!

her: Yea, it's happened before. I have another car, a Delta 88 it's
real nice too.

me: Prob. not as nice as the other one huh?

her: What makes you say that?

me: Well it was'nt stolen was it.

her: I don't know did you look yet?

me: (about in tears by now fro laughing) Do you think it's safe to
leave my car in you parking lot.

her: sure we've never had a customer's car stolen

----------------------------------------------------

HOW TO KNOW YOU ARE GROWING OLDER

Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

The gleam in your eye is from the sun hitting your bifocals.

You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.

Your little black book contains only names ending in M. D.

You get winded playing cards.

You join a health club and don't go.

You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.

You look forward to a dull evening.

You need glasses to find your glasses.

You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.

You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

Your knees buckle, but your belt won't.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine chest.

You sink your teeth in a steak and they stay there.

YOU WONDER WHY MORE PEOPLE DON'T USE THIS SIZE PRINT.

----------------------------------------------------

FYI.... This is an interesting list of statistics that I read in the
September issue of Glamour Magazine. No flames please.

1. Most marriages occur in June. The least number of marriages occur in January.

2. If you are 18 and over, you have a 64% chance of marrying.

3. Men are 37% more likely than women to remain single -- at least until age 55.

4. If you are a professional woman, you have a 55% chance you will find
love in your office. And, love that starts at work tends to last longer
than romance that originates in a single's bar or health club.

5. Men and women's peak years for marrying are between 25 and 29. In second
place for women: the years 20 to 24. In second place for men: 30 to 34.

6. Women have a 33% chance of marrying a younger man. This is considerably
higher than ten years ago.

7. The chances of a marriage enduring forever are slim. Median duration
of a marriage in the U.S. is 7 years.

8. Marriage after divorce?: Women have a 78% chance of remarrying, while
men have an 83% chance. 7% of women will remarry within 1 year, 35.7% within
3 years, and 49.4% within 5 years.

9. Women whose parents are divorced have 50% more likely to divorce than
women whose parents stayed together. For men, there is a 23% greater likelihood.

10. Premarital cohabitation increases the chance of divorce by 80%.
Some sociologists say this means that couples who lived together may not
feel as "bound" by their vows.

11. People who marry at 24 are more likely to divorce than those who marry
at 34. The divorce rate is particularly high for men and women who marry
in their twenties, and declines steadily thereafter.

12. Your chances of marrying someone from another race are less than 1 in 50.

13. Only 6% of divorced women collect alimony.

14. In this age of AIDS, single women between 18 and 44 are sexually more active.

15. The immune systems of married women function better than those of
unmarried women thereby lowering the risk of AIDS. Happy marriages produce
even healthier immune systems.

16. 85% of divorced or separated women say they are happy with their
single status, while only 58% of the men are happy with theirs.

17. Women who are romance novel addicts have sex 74% more often than
women who read less stimulating material.

18. American made condoms have a 12% failure rate while foreign models
have a 21% rupture rate.

19. 50% of single women approve of premarital sex.

20. Only 12% of women who are able to become pregnant are using no contraception.

----------------------------------------------------

Subject: From the Book of the Jaguar Priest

Folks,

This following job description was found in one of the Books of Chilam
Balam [1] written sometime after AD 1593 by the priests of the Classic
and Postclassic Maya civilization. Obviously, the Maya priest corps had
ambitious expectations for new hires, so that only truly outstanding
candidates need apply. I offer this as an example to be used in
recruiting Internet engineering staff and in formulating the
requirements for policy-based routing. The ennumeration has been added
for possible future reference.

1. To impersonate and invoke the deity

2. To offer food and drink to the idols

3. To effect the drawing of the pebbles and regulate the calendar

4. To read weather and other omens in the clouds

5. To study the night sky and interpret the appearance of the
celestial bodies

6. To determine the lucky and unlucky days for various mundane
activities by the casting of lots

7. To perform the numerous rituals of the cup, plate, etc.

8. To work miracles

9. To concoct medicinal herbs into ceremonial drinks

10. To predict the future

11. To announce the times for various agricultural and other activities

12. To insure adequate rainfall

13. To avert or bring to a timely end famine, drought, epidemics,
plagues of ants and locusts, earthquakes

14. To distribute food to the hungry in time of need

15. To cut the honey from the hives

16. Tp determine the compensation to be placed on the crossroad altars

17. To read from the sacred scriptures the future road of the katun
[calendar round]

18. To design and supervise the carving of stelae [stone monuments],
the manufacture of word and clay idols, and the construction of
temples

19. To construct tables of eclipses and heliacal risings of planets
[such as are found in the Dresden Codex]

Reference

1. Makemson, M.W. The Book of the Jaguar Priest, a translation of the
Book of Chilam Balam of Tizimin, with commentary. Henry Schuman,
New York, 1951, p. 141.


 
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