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Do's and Don'ts of Cultivating and Maintaining a P
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
| Do's and Don'ts of Cultivating and Maintaining a Platonic Friendship with |
| a Woman You Would Otherwise Want To Have a Relationship With and Quite |
| Possibly Marry. |
| |
| A NIRVANAnet(tm) Infodose written by Biffnix |
| Distributed via the NIRVANAnet(tm) text file distribution network |
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Do's and Don'ts of Cultivating and Maintaining a Platonic Friendship with a
Woman You Would Otherwise Want To Have a Relationship With and Quite Possibly
Marry.
DO play and replay scenarios in your mind where you come out and declare your
true feelings to her, whereupon you proceed directly to frenzied yet
sensitive, passionate, and completely fulfilling love-making.
DO NOT actually attempt this.
DO rehearse elaborate and impassioned declarations of your love.
DO NOT ever let anyone hear you doing this.
DO NOT ever actually give her the speech. (Instead, drop little, enigmatic,
self-deprecating hints to her, and then agonize over why she does not pick up
on them.)
DO listen to all her problems with men: No matter how many times you have
heard her make these same mistakes (with other men),
DO NOT get so entranced by her soft, full lips that you lean forward and kiss
her. (Fantasize about it instead.)
DO feel the knife twisting and your insides tearing up as you listen to this.
DO develop a gnawing enviousness that grows into an insane jealousy.
DO commiserate with your close guy friends. See who can come up with the
most heinously painful story about "The Treatment." Shudder in unison.
DO NOT confide in any of your female friends, because: They won't understand.
They've done it themselves. In fact, they enjoy doing it. They'll think you
are talking about them. They are obligated to pass on their knowledge to the
Psychological Warfare Division of the Sisterhood to Destroy All Men.
DO get drunk and maudlin about her.
DO NOT get drunk and confront her. If you do reveal your true feelings to
her while drunk or in an otherwise abnormal or altered state of mind (incl.
unwarranted happiness, ridiculously deep depression, brain fever, etc.).
DO deny and disavow all statements the next day.
DO say how it would be such a big mistake if you were to get together with
her.
DO joke about it afterwards.
DO NOT cry, break down, and admit that you have been carrying a torch for her
for ___ weeks/months/years/aeons.
DO NOT consciously avoid her for the next two weeks (avoid her unconsciously).
DO curse yourself for being a miserable, spineless, pathetic,
emotionally-stunted fool.
DO promise that you will change, that things will be different.
DO NOT actually change.
DO agonize about whether to sign letters to her "love" or "your friend"
DO NOT pretend you are kissing her when you lick the envelope.
DO vacillate between fearing that she will discover how you feel about her
and hoping that she does.
DO seek out opportunities to hug, air/cheek kiss, and give/receive back rubs.
DO NOT let things get out of hand (if this should happen, apologize profusely
and disavow everything).
DO become trapped in a shallow, meaningless, lifeless relationship.
DO NOT actually seek out a secure, quality, lasting relationship, as this
would interfere with your fantasizing about her.
DO complain bitterly about this awful relationship to all your friends and to
her.
bx
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