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The tragic death of Madonna
The Tragic death of Madonna
Sister Stig & T.C. Ripple, WASHINGTON, D.C.
American film and recording star, Madonna, was found dead in her New
York condo yesterday just before noon, and foul play has been ruled out
by the FBI, who are treating the death as a suicide. The coroner's
preliminary report stated that the 34 year old blond bombshell had
succumbed to an overdose of barbituates and had died sometime in the
early hours of April 1, 1993.
Former best friend and rumored amour Sandra Bernhard stated, "...that
little bitch had nothing to be depressed about. She had Warren, she
had Michael, she had Sean, she had my girlfriend and she had Willem.
She was too busy fucking to get depressed. Well I dunno, maybe she did
it while Willem was eating out. Besides, we talked on the phone that
night, and she said an old flame was coming over for some boffing."
New York police were treating the case as suspicious, citing probable
foul play and adding that Madonna's death was suspicious enough to
warrant investigation as a homicide. The FBI has since taken over the
investigation, and are, as a spokesperson for the FBI said
"investgating what is clearly a sucide". Three empty bottles of
sleeping pills were found on the floor beside her bed, yet the
coroner's report found no evidence of drugs in her stomach, indicating
the possibility of the drugs having been administered intravenously. As
no pills had been ingested, it is believed that the killer/s injected
Madonna with the deadly dosage (enough to kill a horse ten times over)
and then planted the empty bottles near her bedside.
We have uncovered evidence pointing to personal involvment by Bill
Clinton's brother, Marvin Clinton. When the Clinton Administration was
informed of this, they made an official statement, denying that the
Clintons ever had direct contact with Madonna.
There are other pieces of evidence, however, that point to the
involvment of once famous teen pop star Debbie Gibson, who once swore
that Madonna was the anti-Christ. A copy (LP) of Debbie Gibson's album
Out of the Blue, was found on top of Madonna's nude body, signed,
"...see you in hell, love, Debbie". When questioned by police, Gibson
stated, I was asleep in my car at a rest stop on the interstate. She
was asked for an autograph and released.
Sister Stig and T.C. now suggest a possible solution to the bizarre
murder of the Material Girl. "According to eye-witness accounts by her
neighbours, Saul and Barbara Muramoto, Madonna had received a visit to
her condominium late on the evening of March 31 by Marvin Clinton.
It is our belief that Marvin Clinton entered Madonna's apartment on
the night of March 31 to warn Madonna of Gibson's extreme dislike for
the singer's taste in designers. Apparantly, Gibson had spent the
night over at Chelsea Clinton's slumber party at which she disclosed to
Chelsea, 'I hate that bitch (Madonna). Why does she get to wear
Gaultier and parade around with gay guys, when I'm only allowed
stone-washed jeans and acne-scarred brace faces in my video's. I want
to kill her.' Chelsea immediately phoned her uncle Marvin, a
semi-professional plumber and part-time Secretary of State, to tell him
of her concerm that "Debbie might do something stupid." Marvin rushed
over to New York (he was Secretary of State that day and could get a
government jet) to warn Madonna.
After much investigation we have come to the conclusion that when
Marvin entered Madonna's condo, she was already dead. Marvin, wishing
to avoid a scandal so early in his step-brother's presidential term,
fixed her sink and left down the freight elevator. He was seen by the
Muramoto's in a state-owned limosine. "He was breathing heavily," said
Saul, "but I think that's because his tool belt was slowing him down."
A memorial has been planned for the late entertainer at Yankee stadium.
Presiding over the ceremony will be Roseanne Arnold, who will sing the
national anthem and then grab her crotch in a celebratory masturbatory
pose in honour of Madonna's unique charisma and irreverant humour.
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