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The Mormon File
+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
! !
! How to Bother, Disturb, Kill, Perturb, and Upset your local Mormons. !
! !
! By: The Prophet !
! !
! Along with some cool ideas from: The Metallian !
+--------------------------------------------------------------------------+
Call these genocidal systems:
/\/\etalland 1 10megs/AE/BBS/CF ......(503)538-0761
The Metal AE/PW:KILL..................(201)879-6668
The Reality AE.PW:HARRIS..............(818)706-2054
The Mordor AE/AE1200/10megs PW:ZANDAR (201)528-6467
Presented By:
Metal Comunications Inc.
&
The Neon Knights
------------------------------------
Note: If you are a Mormon, we sincerely hope you are offended by this
material !!!!!!!!
+------------------------------------+
____________________________________
FOR MORMON HATERS ONLY
____________________________________
First off, I really hope that the ideas brought up here will be very helpful
and useful to you. If you are a Mormon hater (which for your own sake I hope
you are), you will undoubtedly want to try some of them.
In this there will be quite a wide range of ideas, from something as simple
and harmless as stacking a locker to arson.
When you're done reading this and you want to go and try some of the neat
things you learned, remember that you are fully responsible. We take no
responsibility for three-alarm fires or mass-murders because this is, more or
less, a joke (at least, it's supposed to look like it).
Okay, here is how to bother, disturb, kill, perturb, and upset your local
Mormons.
____________________________________
____________________________________
1) BOTHERING THEM
____________________________________
If you are going to do anything, you must start by bothering them. That way
you can start nice and simple and then build up to a climax. When you bother a
Mormon, you must realize that these dicks are supposed to be nice little boys
and girls, so you want to push their tempers as far as you possibly can. If
they act like they are supposed to, it will take a lot to reach the end of their
fuse. Ocasionally there will be a bad Mormon who will fight back. This doesn't
happen too often, but when it does, be careful. In any case, a good rule to
follow is just push them as far as you possibly can.
A good, simple way to start is just by stacking their locker. You just add
one thing to how you would normally do it. You want to make sure that their
books are stacked very steep, and then on top of them you put a bowl of hot soup
or else something very hard to clean like grease. If they don't move back too
soon, which they probably won't, they will get nailed by the books and the hot
soup and/or grease.
The next step comes during lunch, or whenever you are around a Mormon eating
food. There are three possibilities to choose from, whichever seems to be the
most convenient at the time:
1) Food/drink in hair
2) Food/drink down shirt/inside bra
3) Food/drink down pants
Obviously self-explanatory. Grab food, smear in hair, shove down shirt, or
put in pants. For the hair food is best, preferrably something like maccaroni &
cheese, and for the shirt/bra and pants some sort of liquid is definitely best.
Anyway, after you do this, it would be a very good idea to get out of there
fast.
The last step of the "bothering" phase is slashing the tires on their car. I
certainly hope that you don't need any instructions on how to do that. And if
they don't have a car, take the next step down and slash the tires on their
bike. Most likely they will have a bike, and they definitely will if they are
one of those neat Mormon missionaries that ride all over town in their nice
suits and ties on their massively cool 3-speeds. And in the rare event that
they don't even have a bike, use your imagination to come up with something.
One suggestion is egging their house, but you will most likely want something
more original than that.
____________________________________
____________________________________
2) DISTURBING, UPSETTING, AND PERTURBING THEM
____________________________________
Now your Mormon victim should be quite bothered and flustered, and now comes
the phase where they really piss their pants. If these things are done
correctly, you are pretty much guaranteed a very disturbed, upset, perturbed
Mormon.
A very good way to upset a Mormon (or anybody, for that matter) is to threaten
them and/or their family. A good time to threaten them might be over the phone
during their "Family Home Evening". Something like, "There's a bomb in your
basement that's going to explode in 23 seconds", or something direct and
straight to the point like, "Hi! I'm going to kill your family tonight!" should
successfully ruin their family gathering. Or another good time to threaten them
might be on Sunday when they're all home and the kids have to sit around all day
and read. Use one of the above threats or you might want to try one like
threatening to kidnap someone in their family. Or, of course, you can use your
imagination and be creative. But what- ever you do, when you are threatening
them make sure that it is totally anonymous because they might take you
seriously. (And, of course, maybe you will be serious.)
Another thing that would disturb the Mormons would be to go to one of their
neat services, and in the middle of it when the Bishop dude is talking, stand up
and start yelling at the top of your lungs, "How could any sane person believe
this stuff?! I've had enough of this crap!" and walk out.
A last suggestion for disturbing, upsetting, and perturbing the Mormons is to
once again go to another cool service, if you can handle that much crap in a
lifetime. You take your ghetto blaster in with you and in the middle of the
service put in the group Satan's tape that has the song "Death to the Mormons"
on it and crank it up. Let it play at least until the chorus when they say,
"Death to the Mormons" and call them inspeakable words, and then walk out.
____________________________________
____________________________________
3) KILLING THEM
____________________________________
And now the part you've all been waiting for: killing them. Mostly you can
just use your imagination on this area, but we'll give you a few ideas.
If you are looking at just killing one individual, the safest, most obscure
method is abduction. Either take them by force, or pretend to offer them a ride
somewhere. You know what comes next; you take them up in the hills to some
uninhabited forest and just simply kill them somehow. Use a gun if you want it
to be fairly fast but painful, or stab them a couple times if you want it to be
slow and painful.
And, if you are looking at mass-murder, use either a bomb (you have lower
chances of getting caught if you have a pre-planted time bomb) or walk in with
an M-16 and start blowing people away. You use this method if you don't mind
getting the death penalty. And one more possibility would be to set their
church on fire during their service. Of course, most all of them would get out,
but who knows? You might get lucky and knock down a few.
In conlusion, I just want to say if you want to kill a Mormon, please give it
very serious consideration before you do it, and just go as easy on them as you
can, because, after all, they have almost as much right to live as we do!
Later,
The Prophet
Metal Communications Inc.
+--------------------------------------+
(C)opyright 1985 M.C.I.
+--------------------------------------+
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