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Murphy's Laws on just about everything
Nature sides with the hidden flaw.
Ralph's Observation:
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object
to realize that you are in a hurry.
Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
Firestone's Law of Forcasting:
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
Manly's Maxim:
Logic is a systematic method of coming to
the wrong conclusion with confidence.
Moer's truism:
The trouble with most jobs is the job holder's
resemblence to being one of a sled dog team. No one
gets a change of scenery except the lead dog.
Cannon's Comment:
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you
had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.
MURPHY'S LAW:
If anything can go wrong, it will.
Murphy's First Corollary:
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
Murphy's Second Corollary:
It is impossible to make anything foolproof
because fools are so ingenious
Murphy's Constant:
Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value
Quantized Revision of Murphy's Law:
Everything goes wrong all at once.
O'Toole's Commentary:
Murphy was an optimist.
Scott's Second Law:
When an error has been detected and corrected,
it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
Finagle's First Law:
If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.
Finagle's Second Law:
No matter what the experiment's result, there
will always be someone eager to:
(a) misinterpret it.
(b) fake it.
or
© believe it supports his own pet theory.
Finagle's Third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously
correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
Finagle's Fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to
improve it only makes it worse.
Gumperson's Law:
The probability of anything happening is in
inverse ratio to its desirability.
Rudin's Law:
In crises that force people to choose among
alternative courses of action, most people will
choose the worst one possible.
Ginsberg's Restatement of the Three Laws of Thermodynamics:
You can't win.
You can't break even.
You can't quit.
Ehrman's Commentary
Things will get worse before they will get better.
Who said things would get better?
Commoner's Second Law of Ecology:
Nothing ever goes away.
Howe's Law:
Everyone has a scheme that will not work.
Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving Systems Dynamics:
Once you open a can of worms, the only way to
recan them is to use a bigger can.
Non-Reciprocal Law of Expectations:
Negative expectations yield negative results.
Positive expectations yield negative results.
Klipstein's Law:
Tolerances will accumulate unidirectionally toward
maximum difficulty of assembly.
Interchangeable parts won't.
You never find a lost article until you replace it.
Glatum's Law of Materialistic Acquisitiveness:
The perceived usefulness of an article is inversely proportional
to its actual usefulness once bought and paid for.
Lewis' Law:
No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after you've
bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.
If nobody uses it, there's a reason.
You get the most of what you need the least.
The Airplane Law:
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you
want to transfer to is on time.
Etorre's Observation:
The other line moves faster.
O'Brien's Variation:
If you change lines, the one you just left will
start to move faster than the one you are now in.
The Queue Principal:
The longer you wait in line, the greater the
likelyhood that you are in the wrong line.
First Law of Revision:
Information necessitating a change of design will be
conveyed to the designer after - and only after - the
plans are complete.
(Often called the 'Now They Tell Us' Law)
Corollary I:
In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way
versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose
the wrong way so as to expedite subsequent revision.
H.B. Fyfe
Second Law of Revision:
The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the
further its influence will extend and the more plans
will have to be redrawn.
H.B. Fyfe
Third Law of Revision:
If, when completion of a design is imminent, field
dimensions are finally supplied as they actually
are -- instead of as they were meant to be -- it is
always simpler to start all over.
Corollary I:
It is usually impractical to to worry beforehand
about interferences -- if you have none, someone
will make one for you.
H.B. Fyfe
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
I. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
II. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
III. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
IV. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
V. Any program will expand to fill available memory.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
VI. The value of a program is proportional to the weight
of its output.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
VII. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capabilities
of the programmer who must maintain it.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
VIII. Any non-trivial program contains at least one bug.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
IX. Undetectable errors are infinite in variety, in contrast to
detectable errors, which by definition are limited.
LAWS OF COMPUTER PROGRAMMING:
X. Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.
Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool
will want to use it.
Law of the Perversity of Nature:
You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of
the bread to butter.
Law of Selective Gravity:
An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Jennings Corollary to the Law of Selective Gravity:
The chance of the bread falling with the butter side down
is directly proportional to the value of the carpet.
Wyszkowski's Second Law:
Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.
Sattinger's Law
It works better if you plug it in.
Lowery's Law:
If it jams - force it.
If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
Schmidt's Law:
If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break.
Anthony's Law of Force
Don't force it - get a bigger hammer.
Cahn's Axiom:
When all else fails, read the instructions.
Gordon's First Law:
If a project is not worth doing at all,
it's not worth doing well.
Law of Research:
Enough research will tend to support your theory.
Maier's Law:
If the facts do not conform to the theory,
they must be disposed of.
Peer's Law:
The solution to the problem changes the problem.
Beware of the man who works hard to learn something,
learns it, and finds himself no wiser than before. He is
full of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant
without having come by their ignorance the hard way.
- Bokonon
Help a man when he is in trouble and he will
remember you when he is in trouble again.
You can lead a man to slaughter,
but you can't make him think.
Don't get mad, get even.
Carson's Law:
It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.
The Golden Rule:
He who has the gold, makes the rules.
Mark's mark:
Love is a matter of chemistry;
sex is a matter of physics.
Korman's conclusion:
The trouble with resisting temptation is it may
never come your way again.
Knight's Law:
Life is what happens to you while you are making other plans.
Maugham's Thought:
Only a mediocre person is always at his best.
Krueger's Observation:
A taxpayer is someone who does not have to take a civil
service exam in order to work for the government.
Benchley's Law of Distinction:
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe
there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.
Harver's Law:
A drunken man's words are a sober man's thoughts.
Schmidt's Observation:
All things being equal, a fat person uses
more soap than a thin person.
Gibb's Law:
Infinity is one lawyer waiting for another.
Fools rush in where fools have been before.
Rule of Accuracy:
When working towards the solution of a problem, it always
helps if you know the answer.
Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.
Wyszowski's Law:
No experiment is reproducible.
Fett's Law:
Never replicate a successful experiment.
Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or
expands it beyond recognition.
The first Myth of Management:
It exists.
Spend sufficient time confirming the need and
the need will disappear.
Peter's Placebo:
An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance.
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
Clarke's First Law:
When a distinguished but elderly scientist states that
something is possible, he is almost certainly right. When he
states that something is impossible, he is very probably wrong.
Clarke's Third Law:
Any sufficiently advanced technology is
indistinguishable from magic.
Segal's Law:
A man with a watch knows what time it is.
A man with two watches is never sure.
Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who does not have to do it himself.
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization.
Hartley's Second Law:
Never go to bed with anybody crazier than you are.
Beckhap's Law:
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Katz's Law:
Men and women will act rationally when all other
possibilities have been exhausted.
Cole's Axiom:
The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant;
the population is growing.
Vique's Law:
A man without a religion is like a fish without a bicycle.
Jones' Motto:
Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.
McClaughry's Codicil:
To make an enemy, do someone a favour.
Churchill's commentary on man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
The ultimate Law:
All general statements are false.
The Unspeakable Law:
As soon as you mention something;
if it is good, it goes away.
if it is bad, it happens.
The Whispered Rule:
People will believe anything if you whisper it.
The First Law of Wing Walking:
Never let hold of what you've got until
you've got hold of something else.
Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning
and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
Farnsdick's corollary:
After things have gone from bad to worse,
the cycle will repeat itself.
Lynch's Law:
When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.
Law of Revelation:
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
Langsam's Law:
Everything depends.
Hellrung's Law:
If you wait, it will go away.
Shevelson's Extension:
... having done its damage.
Grelb's Addition:
... if it was bad, it will be back.
Grossman's Misquote:
Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.
Ducharme's Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.
First Postulate of Isomurphism:
Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other.
The Unapplicable Law:
Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.
Witten's Law:
Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a
need for them an hour later.
Perkin's postulate:
The bigger they are, the harder they hit.
Harrison's Postulate:
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Conway's Law:
In every organization there will always be one person
who knows what is going on.
This person must be fired.
Stewart's Law of Retroaction:
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
MacDonald's Second Law:
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for
a number and give it back to them.
First Law of Laboratory Work:
Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass.
Handy Guide to Modern Science:
1. If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology.
2. If it stinks, it's chemistry.
3. If it doesn't work, it's physics.
To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
The Sausage Principle:
People who love sausage and respect the law
should never watch either one being made.
Horngren's Observation: (generalized)
The real world is a special case.
Merkin's Maxim:
When in doubt, predict that the present trend will continue.
Hawkin's Theory of Progress:
Progress does not consist of replacing a theory that is wrong
with one that is right. It consists of replacing a theory that is
wrong with one that is more subtly wrong.
Never attribute to malice that which is
adequately explained by stupidity.
Matz's warning:
Beware of the physician who is great at getting out of trouble.
Gold's Law:
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
Lewis' Law:
People will buy anything that's one to a customer.
Law of Reruns:
If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch
it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.
Shirley's Law:
Most people deserve each other.
Forgive and remember.
Woltman's Law:
Never program and drink beer at the same time.
Gallois' Revelation:
If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out
but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a
very expensive machine, is somehow enobled, and no one dares
to criticize it.
Galbraith's Law of Political Wisdom:
Anyone who says he is not going to resign, four times, definitely will.
Allen's Law:
Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Allen's Distinction:
The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.
You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
Avery's Observation:
It does not matter if you fall down as long as you
pick up something from the floor while you get up.
Berra's Law:
You can observe a lot just by watching.
Bicycle Law:
All bicycles weigh 50 pounds:
A 30 pound bicycle needs a 20 pound lock.
A 40 pound bicycle needs a 10 pound lock.
A 50 pound bicycle doesn't need a lock.
Cohen's Law:
What really matters is the name you succeed in imposing on
the facts, not the facts themselves.
Colson's Law:
When you've got them by the balls, their hearts
and minds will follow.
Comin's Law:
People will accept your idea much more readily if you
tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.
Fourth Law of Thermodynamics:
If the probability of success is not almost one,
then it is damned near zero.
Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
1. An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.
2. An object at rest will be in the wrong place.
Goldwyn's Law of Contracts.
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while
the legislature is in session.
Jones' Principle:
Needs are a function of what other people have.
Langin's Law:
If things were left to chance,
they'd be better.
In America, it's not how much an item costs that matters,
it's how much you save.
If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs,
maybe you just don't understand the situation.
Mencken's Metalaw:
For every human problem, there is a neat, simple solution;
and it is always wrong.
Sevareid's Law:
The chief cause of problems is solutions.
Thoreau's Law:
If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intention
of doing you good, you should run for your life.
Peer's Law:
The solution to the problem changes the problem.
Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
Lyall's Conjecture:
If a computer cable has one end, then it has another.
Lyall's Fundamental Observation:
The most important leg of a three legged stool
is the one that's missing.
Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules:
Everything costs more and takes longer.
Klipstein's Lament:
All warranty and guarantee clauses are voided
by payment of the invoice.
Klipstein's Observation:
Any product cut to length will be too short.
Sueker's Note:
If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.
Rosenfield's Regret:
The most delicate component will be dropped.
de la Lastra's Law:
After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed
from an access cover, it will be discovered that the wrong
access cover has been removed.
de la Lastra's Corollary:
After an access cover has been secured by 16 hold-down screws,
it will be discovered that the gasket has been ommitted.
Design flaws travel in groups.
You can't fight the law of conservation of energy
but you sure can bargain with it.
Gerrold's Fundamental Truth:
It's a good thing money can't buy happiness.
We couldn't stand the commercials.
Gerrold's Law:
A little ignorance can go a long way.
Lyall's Addendum:
... in the direction of maximum harm.
Gerrold's Pronouncement:
The difference between a politician and a snail is
that a snail leaves its slime behind.
When a man laughs at his misfortunes, he loses a great
many friends. They never forgive the loss of their perogative.
H. L. Mencken
An idealist is one who, on noticing that roses smell better
than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup.
H. L. Mencken
Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country,
it is a sure sign he expects to be paid for it.
H. L. Mencken
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what
they want and deserve to get it good and hard.
H.L. Mencken
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
H. L. Mencken
Arcana Coelestica:
Archbishop - A Christian ecclesiastic of a rank superior to
that obtained by Christ.
Puritanism - The haunting fear that someone, somewhere,
may be happy.
H. L. Mencken
Adultary is the application of democracy to love.
H. L. Mencken
The Arithmetic of Cooperation:
When you're adding up committees
there's a useful rule of thumb:
that talents make a difference,
and follies make a sum.
Piet Hein
The Ultimate Wisdom
Philosophers must ultimately find their true perfection
in knowing all the follies of mankind by introspection.
Piet Hein
Murphy's Military Laws:
1. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you are.
Murphy's Military Laws:
2. No battle plan ever survives contact with the enemy.
Murphy's Military Laws:
3. Friendly fire ain't.
Murphy's Military Laws:
4. The most dangerous thing in the combat zone
is an officer with a map.
Murphy's Military Laws:
5. The problem with taking the easy way out is
that the enemy has already mined it.
Murphy's Military Laws:
6. The buddy system is essential to your survival;
it gives the enemy somebody else to shoot at.
Murphy's Military Laws:
7. The further you are in advance of your own positions,
the more likely your artillery will shoot short.
Murphy's Military Laws:
8. Incoming fire has the right of way.
Murphy's Military Laws:
9. If your advance is going well, you are walking into an ambush.
Murphy's Military Laws:
10. The quartermaster has only two sizes, too large and too small.
Murphy's Military Laws:
11. If you really need an officer in a hurry, take a nap.
Murphy's Miltary Laws:
12. The only time suppressive fire works is when it is used
on abandoned positions.
Murphy's Military Laws:
13. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire
is incoming friendly fire.
Murphy's Military Laws:
14. There is nothing more satisfying that having someone take
a shot at you, and miss.
Murphy's Military Laws:
15. Don't be conspicuous. In the combat zone, it draws fire.
Out of the combat zone, it draws sergeants.
Murphy's Military Laws:
16. If your sergeant can see you, so can the enemy.
Murphy's Military Laws:
17. Never worry about the bullet with your name on it.
Instead, worry about shrapnel addressed to 'occupant'.
Technologie don't transfer.
Conrad Stenton
Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit
the national debt.
Herbert Hoover
There are four things that hold back human progress;
ignorance, stupidity, committees, and accountants.
Charles J.C. Lyall
There is something to be said for every error;
but, whatever may be said for it, the most important
thing to be said about it is that it is erroneous.
G. K. Chesterton
Be kind to everyone you talk with. You never know
who's going to be on the jury.
Tiger Goldstick
The only time the world beats a path to your door
is when you are in the bathroom.
When all is said and done, more is said than done.
Finance is the study of money and how it violates
the rules of mathematics and common sense.
Horwood's First Law:
Good data is the data you already have.
Horwood's Second Law:
Bad data drives out good.
Horwood's Third Law:
The data you have for the present crisis was
collected to relate to the previous one.
Horwood's Fourth Law:
The respectability of existing data grows with elapsed
time and distance from the data source to the investigator.
Horwood's Fifth Law:
Data can be moved from one office to another but it
cannot be created or destroyed.
Horwood's Sixth Law:
If you have the right data you have the wrong problem;
and vice versa.
Horwood's Seventh Law:
The important thing is not what you do,
but how you measure it.
Horwood's Eighth Law:
In complex systems, there is no relationship between
information gathered and decisions made.
Horwood's Nineth Law:
Acquisition of knowledge from experience is an exception.
Horwood's Tenth Law:
Knowledge grows at half the rate at which
academic courses proliferate.
Cheops Law:
No project was ever completed on time
and within budget.
No man knows what true happiness is until he gets married.
By then, of course, its too late.
Murphy's Military Laws:
18. All battles are fought at the junction of
two or more map sheets.
The best scale for an experiment is 12 inches to the foot.
Admiral of the Fleet Lord Fisher
What's source for the goose is object for the gander.
Stan Kelly-Bootle
Kelly-Bootle's Law of Programming:
The sooner you start coding, the longer it is going to take.
Gershwin's Law:
It ain't necessarily so.
Kelly-Bootle's pith poor law:
Terseness is not enough.
Science is to computer science as hydraulics is to plumbing.
Stan Kelly-Bootle
The Seven Catastrophys of Computing:
The user, the manufacturer, the model, the salesperson,
the operating system, the language, and the application.
Stan Kelly-Bootle
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it
is done, they've seen it done every day, but they're
unable to do it themselves.
Brendan Behan
Alinsky's Rule for Radicals
Those who are the most moral are furthest from the problem.
Where there's a will, there's a won't.
Olivier's Law
Experience is something you don't get until
just after you need it.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.
Searle's Third Law:
You win a few, you loose a lot.
Sodd's Second Law:
Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances
is bound to occur.
Berra's Second Law:
Anyone who is popular is bound to be disliked.
Heise's Law of Anatomy:
When the mouth opens, the ears slam shut.
Foster's Law:
The only people who find what they are looking for
in life are the fault finders.
There are two kinds of people in any organization:
those who fix the problems, and those who fix the blame.
The latter are called managers.
Charles J.C. Lyall
Weatherwax's Postulate:
The degree with which you overreact to information
will be in inverse proportion to its accuracy.
Schopenhauer's Law of Entropy:
If you put a spoonful of wine in a barrel of sewage,
you get sewage. If you put a spoonful of sewage in a
barrel of wine, you get sewage.
Munder's Theorem:
For every '10', there are ten '1's.
Levy's Eighth Law:
No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail.
Zappa's Law:
There are two things which are truly universal:
hydrogen and stupidity.
Fagin's observation:
Hindsight is an exact science.
First rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself; historians merely
repeat one another.
Ehler's First Law:
When you find out how far you can go,
you've gone too far.
Good's Rule of Bureaucracies:
When the government's remedies do not solve the problem,
you modify the problem, not the remedy.
Sigstad's Law:
When it gets to be your turn, they change the rules.
Roger's Law:
As soon as the stewardess serves coffee, the aircraft
encounters turbulence.
Davis' Explanation:
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
Bachman's Law:
The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation,
the less chance of abandoning it.
Bachman's Corollary:
The higher the level of prestige accorded the people
behind a plan, the less chance of abandoning it.
Cohn's First Law:
In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend
more and more time reporting on the less and less you
are doing.
Cohn's Second Law:
In any bureaucracy, stability is achieved when you spend
all of your time reporting on the nothing you are doing.
Kushner's Law:
The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely
proportional to the number of other people who are in
a position to do it instead.
Law of Probable Distribution:
Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
Gourd's Axiom:
A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept
and the hours are lost.
Wethern's Law:
Assumption is the mother of all screwups.
Steinbach's Advice to Systems Programmers:
Never test for an error you don't know how to handle.
Rule of Defactualization:
Information deteriorates upwards through bureaucracies.
Maier's Second Law:
The bigger the theory, the better.
Only adults have difficulty with child proof bottles.
Barach's Rule:
An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his physician.
Matz's Medication Rule:
A drug is that substance which, when injected into a rat,
will produce a scientific report.
Mencken's Law:
Those who can -- do.
Those who can't -- teach.
Martin's Extension:
Those who can't teach -- administrate.
Lyall's Insight:
The above completely explains sex education.
Conner's Second Law:
If something is confidential, it will be left in the copier.
Hane's Law:
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
Edward's Law:
If it weren't for the last minute,
nothing would get done.
Boren's Laws:
When in doubt, mumble.
When in trouble, delegate.
When in charge, ponder.
Forsyth's Law:
Just when you see the light at the end of the tunnel,
the roof caves in on you.
Variables won't; constants aren't.
The one language spoken by all programmers is profanity.
The only two things a pirate will run for is money
and public office.
Yosimite Sam
If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not science,
it is opinion.
Robert A. Heinlein
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
Robert A. Heinlein
Ninety percent of everything is crud.
Theodore Sturgeon
One good turn gets most of the blanket.
A virtual data base is a segment of your imagination.
On a clear disk, you can seek forever.
Octal is just like base 10, really,
if you're missing two fingers.
Tom Lehrer
Disks travel in packs.
I believe in computer dating, but only if the
computers are truly in love.
Groucho Marx
Reciprocity works both ways.
The Universe is not user friendly.
Kelvin Throop
Science policy is to science as bird shot is to birds.
Petr Beckman
Remember, a rut is simply a coffin with the ends knocked out.
Earl Nightengale
Computer programs are ninety percent debugged,
fifty per cent of the time.
To err is human, but to REALLY foul things up, it takes
a computer driven by a programmer who only thinks he
knows what he is doing.
Walter Aiello
Tusseman's Law:
Nothing is an inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
One can never underestimate the intelligence of
the electorate.
Walter Aiello
Any given container designed to hold water, will leak,
and any given orifice designed to drain water, will plug up.
Walter Aiello
You don't learn less and less, you learn more and more.
Hence you should not call them lessons but rather morons.
Lewis Carroll
If people behaved like governments, you'd call the cops.
Kelvin Throop
Alcoholism is what happens when good liquor falls
into the hands of amateurs.
Spider Robinson
If God had really intended man to fly, he would have
made it easier to get to the airports.
It may be that the race is not always to the swift,
nor the battle to the strong -- but thats the way to bet it.
Damon Runyon
Don't be afraid to take a big step. You can't cross
a chasm is two small jumps.
David Lloyd George
No one ever raised a statue to a critic.
Originality is the art of concealing your source.
Franklin P. Jones
Great ideas need landing gear as well as wings.
C.D. Jackson
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Allen Supynuk
If all the economists in the world were laid end to end,
they wouldn't reach a conclusion.
Lewis Carroll
Those who live by the crystal ball must be prepared
to eat crushed glass.
Larry Long
There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action.
Goethe
If the only tool you have is a hammer,
you tend to see every problem as a nail.
Abraham Maslow
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
First Rule of Intelligent Tinkering:
Save all the parts.
Hofstadter's Law:
The time and effort required to complete a
project are always more than you expect, even when you
take into account Hofstadter's Law.
Incompetence knows no barriers of time and place.
Make it possible to write programs in English and
you will find that most programmers cannot write in English.
Matz's Maxim
A conclusion is the place where you got
tired of thinking.
Murphy's Law of Thermodynamics:
Things get worse under pressure.
Ogden's Law:
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have
to catch up.
Shick's Law:
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
Spencer's Laws of Data:
Anyone can make a good decision given enough facts.
A good manager can make a decision without enough facts.
A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance.
Statistics are like bikinis: what they reveal is suggestive,
what they conceal is vital.
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains
because the average man can see better than he can think.
Organizations are like wine; the bottleneck is
always at the top.
The plural of spouse is spice.
Edgar Pangborn
In theory, the difference between theory and practice is small.
In practice, the difference between theory and practice
is large.
Two wrongs do not make a right; it usually takes three or four.
Mayhis Rule:
It is bad luck to be superstitious.
Bureaucaracy defends the status quo long past the time when
the quo has lost its status.
Laurence J. Peter
One should forgive one's enemies, but not before they
are hanged.
Heinrich Heine
It is useless for sheep to pass resolutions in favour of
vegetarianism while wolves remain of a different opinion.
William Ralph Inge
Rascality has limits; stupidity has none.
Napoleon
Politics is occupational therapy for the morally handicapped.
Charles J.C. Lyall
Fundamental Tenet of Reform:
Reforms come from below. No man who has four aces
ever calls for a new deal.
Beauregard's Law:
When you are up to your eyeballs in it,
keep your mouth shut.
Murchison's Law of Money:
Money is like manure. If you spread it around, it does
a lot of good. If you pile it up in one place, it stinks.
When all else fails, blame it on the oil industry.
Laotion Proverb:
When drowning, it is all right to be a fatalist,
but one should still move one's feet.
He who hesitates is smart.
It is only when you need to knock on wood that you realize
that the world is entirely made up of aluminum and plastic.
A person who says that something can't be done shouldn't
interrupt the person doing it.
The difference between an amateur and a professional in
the computer business is the number of backups they make.
The secret to dealing successfully with people is sincerity.
Once you can fake sincerity, you've got it made.
The person who offers unsolicited advice usually
discovers its value.
Modern journalists are much like modern novelists; they
both write fiction. The difference is that the novelists
are honest about it.
Charles J.C. Lyall
It is easy to tell when a politician is lying. Watch his lips.
If they move, he's lying.
Hell is the place where everything test perfectly
and nothing works.
John W. Campbell Jr.
Fleas can be taught nearly everything that a
congressman can.
Mark Twain
In the first place God made idiots; this was for
practice; then he made school boards.
Mark Twain
Of course, America had been discovered before Columbus,
but it had always been hushed up.
Oscar Wilde
American women expect to find in their husbands the
perfection that the English women only hope to find
in their butlers.
W. Somerset Maugham
Canadians could have enjoyed:
English Government,
French Culture,
and American know-how.
Instead they ended up with:
English know-how,
French Government,
and American culture.
John Robert Colombo
Heaven for climate; hell for society.
Mark Twain
Put not your trust in princes.
Psalms 146:3
Democracy is a form of religeon. It is the worship
of jackels by jackasses.
H.L. Mencken
You just can't tell about women; and if you can,
you shouldn't.
Charles M.M. Lyall
Maxey's Maxim:
No matter what happens, there is always someone
who knew it would.
Sprinkle's Law:
Things fall at right angles.
The finer a highway is, the more people crowd
it to unusability.
John W. Campbell Jr.
Always leave a way out.
John W. Campbell Jr.
Myer's First Law:
Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them.
Myer's Second Law:
Experiments must be reproducible -- they should
fail the same way.
Myer's Third Law:
Always verify your witchcraft.
Myer's Fourth Law:
First draw your curves -- then plot your readings.
Myer's Fifth Law:
Be sure to obtain meteorological information before
leaving on vacation.
Myer's Sixth Law:
A record of data is useful -- it indicates that
you have been working.
Myer's Seventh Law:
Experience is directly proportional to equipment ruined.
Myer's Eighth Law:
To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly
before you start.
Myer's Ninth Law:
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Nobody likes being proven wrong.
A scientist is a man who develops powerful proofs.
Therefore, nobody likes scientists.
John W. Campbell Jr.
Law of the Too, Too Solid Point:
In any collection of data, the figure that is most
obviously correct -- beyond any need of checking --
is the mistake.
Corollary I:
No one whom you ask for help will see it either.
Corollary II:
Everyone who stops by with unsought advice will
see it immediately.
H.B. Fyfe
If the liberal arts do nothing else, they provide
engaging metaphors for the thinking they displace.
Roger Zelazny
The only thing wrong with doing nothing is that
you never know when you are finished.
Remember, the absent are always wrong.
Coffee makes a worker wise and able to see through
half closed eyes.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Nothing motivates an employee more than to see
the boss do an honest day's work.
Law of Forgetfulness:
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
to ... proportional to ... to ... .
Nine tenths of a woman's intuition is suspicion.
Bob Edwards
Blessed are the pretty girls, for they shall inherit
the men.
Bob Edwards
A woman's idea of heaven is a place where she won't
have to wash the dishes.
Bob Edwards
It's awfully hard for a woman to pretend not to know
the things she ought to know.
Bob Edwards
We actually need women in provincial politics. Women
could never possibly participate in any graft system,
owing to their inability to keep a secret. As publicity
is the remedy for most political ills, womaen in politics
should function admirably.
Bob Edwards (1911)
Women will never make good on juries until they get
to be as ignorant as men.
Bob Edwards
Politics has not ceased to make strange bedfellows, or,
at least the politicians of both parties continue to
share the same bunk. You know the kind of bunk we mean.
Bob Edwards
Politicians resemble shoes in one respect -- the higher grade
is not machine made.
Bob Edwards
It seems as if the world is divided into two sets of people --
one set engaged in making money by productive labour and
the other set are simultaneously engaged in taking it away
from them.
Bob Edwards
A man can claim to have "arrived" when his private
affairs begin to interest the public.
Bob Edwards
A girl seldom falls in love with a man unless there is
some reason why she shouldn't.
Bob Edwards
Every man has his favourite bird. Ours is the bat.
Bob Edwards
The report that whiskey drinking is declining in Calgary
will cause no surprise. Most of the politicians are out of
town telling the festive farmer which way to vote.
Bob Edwards
Soaking the brain in alcohol does not improve the mind.
Bob Edwards
The water wagon is certainly a more dangerous vehicle
than the automobile. At least more people fall off it.
Bob Edwards
Call a girl a chick and she smiles; call a woman a hen
and she howls. Call a young woman a witch and she is
pleased; call an old woman a witch and she is indignant.
Call a girl a kitten and she rather likes it; call a
woman a cat and she hates you. Women are queer.
Bob Edwards
A man who hesitates is lost. So is a woman who doesn't.
Bob Edwards
A girl's kisses are like pickles in a bottle -- the first
are hard to get, but the rest come easy.
Bob Edwards
Too much distance between husband and wife may result in
other enchantments. (This is a deep one.)
Bob Edwards
The only thing that beats a good wife is a bad husband.
Bob Edwards
It is easy for a man to manage his wife. All he has to do
is follow her instructions.
Bob Edwards
When we hear a woman say that all men are alike we wonder
how she found out.
Bob Edwards
All the world's a stage, and the majority of us sit in
the gallery and throw things at the performers.
Bob Edwards
If you want anything done well, do it yourself. This is
why most people laugh at their own jokes.
Bob Edwards
The things that come to a man who waits are seldom the
things he has been waiting for.
Bob Edwards
A man begins to get his life into proper perspective when
he quits expecting to find pearls in his oysters and is
extremely gratified when he gets oysters.
Bob Edwards
It is a waste of life to be sensible all the time.
Bob Edwards
No man does as much today as he is going to do tomorrow.
Bob Edwards
Most of the entries in the human race are also rans.
Bob Edwards
Remorse is memory that has begun to ferment.
Bob Edwards
A man never looses money on fast horses. It is the
slow ones that cause all the damned trouble.
Bob Edwards
Don't you think "absolutely" a much overworked word,
Absolutely.
Bob Edwards
If money talks, all it ever said to me was goodbye.
Bob Edwards
When Soloman said that there was a time and a place for
everything he had not encountered the problem of
parking an automobile.
Bob Edwards
The first thing a man with a new automobile runs into
is debt.
Bob Edwards
The trouble with being efficient is that it makes
everybody hate you so.
Bob Edwards
The income tax returns would indicate that there is
untold wealth in Canada.
Bob Edwards
Taking things philosophically is easy if they don't concern you.
Bob Edwards
Never exaggerate your faults; your friends will attend to that.
Bob Edwards
Forgive your enemies -- but if you have no enemies,
forgive a few of your friends.
Bob Edwards
A tongue, like a race horse, generally runs faster
the less weight it carries.
Bob Edwards
Most of life's shadows result from standing in your own light.
Bob Edwards
The man who has never tried has no sympathy for the
man who has tried and failed.
Bob Edwards
Some people might as well be crazy for all the sense they have.
Bob Edwards
Meanwhile the meek are a long time inheriting the earth.
Bob Edwards
A little learning is a dangerous thing, but a lot of
ignorance is just as bad.
Bob Edwards
Isn't it queer that only sensible people agree with you?
Bob Edwards
The way of the transgressor is ever popular.
Bob Edwards
If its all the same to history, it need not
repeat itself anymore.
Bob Edwards
Well, at all events, the Canadian Navy will be able to lick
the Swiss Navy. This is one comfort for which we should be
thankful.
Bob Edwards
Not all women are as bad as they paint themselves.
Bob Edwards
If men could read woman's thoughts, they would take
more risks than they do.
Bob Edwards
It is as easy to recall an unkind word as to draw back
a bullet after firing a gun.
Bob Edwards
Never judge a man by the opinion his wife has of him.
Be fair.
Bob Edwards
McCrum's Maxim:
ASCII no questions and I'll TELETYPE you no lies.
Trial marriages are very dangerous. If you're not
careful, they could lead to the real thing.
Warren Beatty
Ignorance and stupidity are not the same thing. At the
battle at Little Big Horn, Crazy Horse was an ignorant
savage and George Custer was an educated military tactician
and strategist. Custer was also stupid; Crazy Horse wasn't.
Charles J.C. Lyall
Feminist theologeans tell us that God is female. But,
what about the devil? What about her?
Charles J.C. Lyall
Never try to explain integrity to a lawyer.
Charles J.C. Lyall
There may be a market for artificial intelligence but
there is a larger market for artificial stupidity.
Charles J.C. Lyall
In a severe crisis, make sure you have a good stock of
the precious metals; gold, silver, and lead. The first
two make lousy bullets.
Charles J.C. Lyall
There are only three predators that strike fear into the
average man; the man eating shark, a pack of wolves, and
the tax department.
Charles J.C. Lyall
The early worm gets eaten.
Never tell an accountant that he is a credit to his profession.
A good accountant is a debit to his profession.
Charles J.C. Lyall
Consultants are like high priced whores: they know more
ways of doing it than their clients; they can do it better
than their clients; most of the time, they end up doing it
the client's way and trying to make the client like it.
Charles J.C. Lyall
The problem with the war between the sexes is that
neither side is taking prisoners.
Charles J.C. Lyall
Any computer system can be rendered ineffective by its users.
Charles J.C. Lyall
No one can design a completely idiot proof system; idiots
are too smart.
Charles J.C. Lyall
A poorly managed manual system cannot be improved by
automation. The problem is not the system, it's the manager.
Charles J.C. Lyall
All systems have three aspects: there is the official system
which is written down; there is the system which the managers
administer, and there is the system actually implemented by
the employees. It is very similar to the Christian theology
of the holy trinity.
Charles J.C. Lyall
The best way to improve the educational system would be
to turn it over to private enterprise. Not that the companies
could necessarily do it any better, but the education department
would suddenly find the deficiencies intolerable.
Charles J.C. Lyall
A person in the 100% tax bracket is called a slave.
Charles J.C. Lyall
Statistics are methods of quantifying ignorance. When an
intellectual tells you that it is only a probability that
the sun will rise tomorrow morning, he is indicating his
ignorance of Newton's Laws.
Charles J.C. Lyall
A cynic is a person who refuses to share your illusions.
Charles J.C. Lyall
Media is the plural of mediocre.
Rocky Bridges
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