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InterNet NutWorks compiled humour file 5 of 25
************************************************************************
************************************************************************
*** ***
*** ***
*** NutWorks ***
*** ---------- ***
*** The Inter-Net Virtual Magazine for Those ***
*** Who Believe Reality is a Concept, ***
*** That Has No Place in Life. ***
*** ***
*** Septmember 1985, Issue005, (Volume II, Number 1) ***
*** ***
************************************************************************
************************************************************************
Editor's Comments
=================
(The following is somewhat outdated.)
Well folks do to circumstances beyond his control (the FBI being
after him) Brent CJ Britton is now residing in another country waiting
for the heat to blow off. Through my various underground contacts I was
able to contact Brent and obtained two things from him. The first was
editorship of this magazine and the second was the interview which I
included below. I would like to thank Brent wherever he is for allowing
me to carry on the name of NutWorks and I wish him the best of luck in
avoiding the Feds.
In order to get this issue out as soon as possible I will just close
my comments by thanking my staff and all the people who contributed art-
icles to this issue and all the people who have made NutWorks a succes
in the past and I am sure will make it a success in the future.
Now onto the real stuff !!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------
NutWorks News
=============
(Outdated text deleted.)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Interview With Brent CJ Britton
Former Editor of NutWorks
==================================
When asked why he had given up the Editor's position at NutWorks
magazine, Mr. Britton, bewteen sips on a Mt. Dew 'n' gyn 'n' tonic, had
this to say:
"Well, NutWorks was just this magazine, you know? I mean, sure, it
was nice at first.. real nice. Had a few really good people working
for me. Real pro's of prose you might say.. heh heh.. Yup. It was great.
But then some of 'em, well, you know.. they just started getting into
all this technical bullsh*t... started suggesting things like putting in
all sorts of "This Page Intentionaly Left Blank." They even wanted me to
start using Waterloo Script for Gawd's Sake! Well, I just kinda figured
that it'd be best if I just let the magazine go and stuck to my drug
smuggling.. OOPS! Hey, you're not gonna *print* that or anything are
you? I mean, I was just kidding... I really don't smuggle drugs or
anything... hey where you going? Oh sh*t..."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
How To Run Multi-Talk AND Keep Your Sanity
(both in one day)
by Billy at BMACADM
==========================================
Welcome fellow users if Bitnet. As you all have read about the mis-
use or abuse of the networks with the use of a chat, we will look
into the abuse that a chat operator takes in one days time not only
from the users of the chat but also from the students, and heads
from CUNYVM. It is almost 8:00 p.m. the bewitching hour for me. The
time when I bring up Multi-Talk. The system comes up ASUACAD all the
way down to WEIZMANN sign-on to do what people regularly do....CHAT.
By the time 8:30 comes around, total count of users are 17. I am
biting my nails praying that my bosses dont find out why there are
no jobs coming out... I come up with excuses from cuny is slow...
to Cuny is having problems with their 3081k. At this time students
start grumbling and start screaming where the F--K is my job? I ran
it 45 minutes ago!!!!
Then I say non-chalantly let me check the queue:
I do an SM NETWORK Q SYS Q
The system replies LINK CUNYJES3 connect P=3 S=6 Q=99 R=0
The third letter 'Q' deals with the queue or backlog of jobs waiting to
come back .....I start lying that there are only 2 jobs waiting to be
printed.
I quiet down the people for awhile that is until I sign on to Multi-
Talk....there I beg for people please shut-up for ten minutes so we can
get our jobs out............
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mr. Spock's Proverbs
====================
Here are 30 familiar sayings in rather unfamiliar language. To give you
an example of what it's all about, the first one is, "Like father, like
son."
Get it? Answers supplied below, courtesy of the Ailanthus Tree.
1. Similar sire, similar scion.
2. Precipitancy creates prodigality.
3. Tenants of vitreous abodes ought to hurl no lithohidal fragments.
4. It is not proper for mendicants to be indicatrous of preferences.
5. Compute not your immature gallinaceens prior to their being
produced.
6. It is fruitless to become lacrymous because of scattered lacteal
fluid.
7. Cleave gramineous matter for fodder during the period that the orb
of the day is refulgent.
8. A feline possesses the power to contemplate a monarch.
9. Pulchritude does not extend below the surface of the derma.
10. Failure to be present causes the vital organ to become more
enamored.
11. Every article which coruscates is not fashioned from aureate metal.
12. Freedom from guile or fraud constitutes the most excellent princ-
iple of procedure.
13. Each canine passes through his period of per-eminence.
14. Consolidated, you and I maintain ourselves erect; separated, we
defer to the law of gravity.
15. You cannot estimate the value of the contents of a bound, printed
narrative, or record from its exterior vesture.
16. Folks deficient in ordinary judgment scurringly enter areas on
which celestial beings dread to set foot.
17. Liquid relish for the female anserine fowl is the individual
condiment for the male.
18. A feathered creature clasped in the manual members is equal in
value to a brace in the bosky growth.
19. The individual of the class aves, arriving before appointed time,
seizes the invertebrate animal of the group vermes.
20. Socially orientated individuals tend to congregate in gregariously
homogeneous groupings.
21. One may address a member of the equidae family toward aqueous
liquid, but one is incapable of impelling him to quaff.
22. Forever refrain from enumerating the dental projection of a
bequeathed member of the equidae family.
23. One pyrus malus per diem restrains the arrival of the hippocratic
apostle.
24. Fondness for notes of exchange constitutes the tuberous structure
of all satanically inspired principles.
25. Supposing one primarily fails to be victorious. Bend further eff-
orts in that direction.
26. Prudence and sagacity are the worthier condiments of intrepid
courage.
27. Be adorned with the pedal encasement that gives comfort.
28. He who expresses merriment in finality expresses merriment excell-
ing either in equal quality.
29. A beholden vessel never exceeds 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
30. A rotating lithohidal fragment never accrues lichen.
Mr. Spock's Proverbs, in human English
--- ------- --------- -- ----- -------
1. Like father, like son.
2. Haste makes waste.
3. People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
4. Beggars can't be choosers.
5. Don't count your eggs before they're hatched.
6. Don't cry over spilled milk.
7. Make hay while the sun shines.
8. Even a cat may look at a king.
9. Beauty is only skin deep (?)
10. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
11. All that glitters isn't gold.
12. Honesty is the best policy.
13. Every dog has its day.
14. Together we stand, divided we fall.
15. You can't judge a book by its cover.
16. Fools step in where angels fear to tread.
17. What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
18. A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.
19. The early bird gets the worm.
20. Birds of a feather flock together.
21. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink.
22. Do not look a gift horse in the mouth.
23. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
24. Greed for money is the root of all evil.
25. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.
26. Discretion is the better part of vallor.
27. If the shoe fits, wear it.
28. He who laughs last laughs best.
29. A watched pot never boils.
30. A rolling stone gathers no moss.feather flock together.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEW OPERATING SYSTEM
IBM VU/OS
(UCPL030@UNLVM Contributor)
====================
With increasing demands for faster operating systems, IBM has announced
the Virtual Universe Operating System (VU/OS). Running under VU/OS each
universe in which the programmer signs on can set up or take down prog-
rams, data sets, system networks, personnel and planetary systems. By
simply specifying the desired universe the VU/OS system generation
Program (IEHGOD) does the rest. This program, resident in SYS1.GODLIB,
requires a minimum of 6 days of activity and 1 day of review. In con-
junction with VU/OS, all system utilities have been replaced by one
program IEHPROPHET which resides in SYS1.MESSIAH. No forms or control
cards are necessary since the program knows what you want to do when it
is to be executed.
Naturally, the user must have attained a certain degree of sophisticat-
ion in the data processing field if an efficient utilization of VU/OS
is to be achieved. Frequent calls to non-resident galaxies, for inst-
ance, can lead to unexpected delays in the execution of a job. Although
IBM, through its wholly-owned subsidiary, the United States, is working
on a program to upgrade the speed of light and thus reduce the overhead
of extraterrestrial and metadimensional paging, users must be careful
for the present to stay within the laws of physics. VU/OS will run on
any IBM x0xx equipped with Extended WARP Feature. Rental is twenty
million dollars per cpu/nanosecond. Micro-code assist will be available
for all odd-numbered processors to allow the use of non-contiguous CPU
clock times. This feature will be prerequisite for the implementation
of the University of Nebraska virtual date package.
Users should be aware that IBM plans to migrate all existing systems
and hardware to VU/OS as soon as engineers effect one output that is
(conceptually) error-free. This will give us a base to develop an even
more powerful operating system, target date 2001, designated "Virtual
Reality". VR/OS is planned to enable the user to migrate to totally
unreal universes. To aid the user in identifying the difference, a
linear arrangement of multisensory total records of successive moments
of now will be established. Its name will be SYS1.est.
For information, call your IBM data processing representative.
(Reprinted from the February '80 Rutgers Newsletter)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
My Dog Sex
==========
Usually, everyone who has a dog either calls him Rover or
Boy or something. I call mine "Sex". Well, Sex is a very
embarrassing name. One day I took Sex for a walk and he ran
away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A cop came
along and asked me what I was doing in this alley at 4:00
A.M. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." My case comes up next
Thursday.
One day I went to city Hall to get a dog licence for Sex.
The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a
lisence for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one, too."
Then I said, "But this is a dog." And he said he didn't care
how she looked. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had
Sex since I was two years old." He replied, "You must have
been a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I
wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until
after the wedding. I said, "But Sex played a big part of my
life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex." He said he
didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not
marry us in his church. I told him everyone coming to the
wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were
married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred
from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon.
When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted
a room for my wife and I and a special room for Sex. The
clerk said that every room in the motel is for Sex. Then I
said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night."
And the clerk said, "Me, too."
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on T.V. He said,
"Show-off" I told him it was a contest and he told me I
should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I seperated we went to court to fight for
custody of the dog. I said, "Your honor, I had Sex before I
was married." And the Judge said. "Me, too." When I told him
that after I was married Sex left me, he said, "Me, too."
Well, now I've been thrown in jail, been married, divorced
and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with
the psychiatrist and she said, "What seems to be the
trouble?" I replied, "Sex died and left my life. It's like
losing a best friend and it's so lonely." The doctor said,
"Look Mister, you and I both know that Sex isn't man's best
friend- So GET YOURSELF A DOG!!!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
======<THE HELPFUL HACKERS DIRECTORY OF UNKNOWN SYSTEM COMMANDS>======
Contributed by the Mad Pirate (RAAQC987@CUNYVM)
KILL <Account ID> <System>
The Kill command is generally used to eliminate accounts
of people with higher indexes than you. A GPA parameter
can be added to dictate the maximum allowable index.
ADD <Account ID> <System>
Used to create new accounts on a particular system.
(No system should be without one!)
LULLABYE <System>
Puts the system's CPU to sleep for a minimum of eight
hours. For extended snooze time, see the 'CRASH' command.
SINK <Account ID> <fn> <ft> (<fm>)
Erases a file in any users reader which has been shipped
to them. The TORPEDO command may also be used in place of
SINK. special "Import taxes" may be levied on the user
user from their account funds for extra shipping.
SNEEZE <Account ID> <fn> <ft> (<fm>)
Used to scramble other users' files. One must specify the
user and the program name to be sneezed at. Sneezing at a
file will scatter it's characters and diagnostics through-
out the system. One hacker reports a single sneeze sending
fragments of a recipe file flying over the French Riviera
in the vicinity of a remote TRS-80.
PUSH <fn> <ft> (<fm>) @location
Used to rush the printout of a program. This command will
push other user's programs queued to be printed aside so
as to print yours. This command tends to purge the other
printouts as well. (heh heh)
SHOVE <fn> <ft> (<fm>) @Location
When another hacker pushes your program off the printer
queue, shove yours right back on, and theirs off! When
push comes to shove...
INSULT <Account ID> <Fake ID>
Sends random insults to a user, but displays its source as
from the <Fake ID> inputted into the command.
INNUNDATE <Account ID>
Ships thousands of meaningless reader files such as 2nd
grade multiplication tables and the interior layout of the
Maytag dishwasher to <Account ID> until "Disk Full" is
achieved.
CRASH <System> <System Location>
Considered a staple of the hacker's vocabulary, the crash
command can incapacitate a system for a period propotional
to its integrity. Vulnerable systems such as VM may be out
to lunch for weeks while more "state-of-the-art" machines
usually snap out of it in a matter of hours. Convenient
for extending due-dates on projects.
ASSAULT <System>
Secretly sends an extra parity bit into the system. Said
bit sneaks up behind the CPU and knocks it senseless,
robbing it of its ROM in the process. Upon regaining
consciousness, the CPU discovers its priveleged memory
locations gone and immediately loses all respect for
itself causing irreversable I/O damage. Tough break.
IDCRISIS <Hardware>
Takes a perfectly good piece of hardware and convinces it
that it's a household appliance. Disk drives suddenly
think they're phonographs causing immediate and brutal (oh
the pain!) head crashes. Video terminals revert to their
primitive instincts as television sets and are determined
to innundate the dizzy user with laxative, dress shield
and absorbant bladder pad commercials. Considered to be
one of the more aggressive type of hacker commands.
HEEHEE <Account ID>
Tucks a string of tickle bits into the current job of the
specified account number. Upon reaching the RUN STATE,
the altered job causes the CPU to experience convulsions &
uncontrollable laughter resulting in mangled source code
and undefined variables to be spit back into the users
lap.
Note: 'Laughter' here, is a term used to identify the CPU's
behavior in this situation which generally consists of the
re-initialization of the user's disk space and reduction
of account priority to -4000.
BUSY2NITE? <Account ID> <Desp. Val.> (<Gift>)
Sends a pickup line to the specified Account Id or to all
members of uniform sex by replacing the parameter with 'F'
or 'M'. The desperation value (0 - 10) results in the
issuance of messages ranging from "Busy to night?" to "Say
yes or I'll gargle with Clorox". Options are available to
send flowers or a box of candy.
SPIN <'On','Off'>
Shades of the twilight zone! 'Spin' causes all disks that
connected into the system to suddenly start spinning away.
Not very constructive (or destructive), but it sure scares
the hell out of the system employees.
AGE <Hardware,System>
The age command will suddenly convince a piece of hardware
or a system that it has gone obsolete and will be replaced
next week by a more 'state of the art' machine. As panic
begins to spread throughout the system, the CPU may become
unpredictably irritable and will purge all inbound jobs,
while at the same time inform the systems liasons that it
has gone down and will not run another process until it is
assured better job security.
note: this command only works with newer systems since older
systems (+ 2 years) already have tenure. i.e. sigma 7
CHPOL <Policy>
One of the most powerful of hacker commands, CHPOL allows
one to change the current policy used for selection of
the next job. Policy options are as follows:
FIFO (First-In-First-Out) : Good for the early birds amongst
us.
FILO (First-In-Last-Out) : This'll teach those goody-goodys
a lesson!
CGFO (Closest Guess First Out) :
Whom ever guesses closest to the
number the CPU was thinking of goes
next.
SJN (Shortest Job Next) : Tends to favor CS10 students.
SNN (Shortest Name Next) : The user with the shortest name
goes next.
LJN (Largest Job Next) : Tends to favor programs with a lot
of comments.
LBN (Largest Bribe Next) : Tends to favor users with a lot of
dough.
SN (Shortest Next) : Users enter their height, shortest
goes next.
RR (Round Robin) : Each job runs for a set time
quantum. If time runs out, user
goes to the back of the line.
RK (Round Kvetch) : Jobs run for a set time quantum.
If time runs out, user must go to
the back of the line but if he
kvetches the life out of the CPU he
will be granted additional time.
LN (Largest Next) : User must enter his / her weight at
compile time.
TTTNY (Tomorrow Today, Today Next Year) :
Reverses current policy such that
low priority jobs run immediately
high priority jobs are well-aged.
FFA (Free-For-All) : Users slug it out in the I- building
for next job.
NJN (No Jobs Next) : Operating system's on vacation. Try
next month.
===================================================================
PUNCH <Account ID>
This seemingly typical (i.e. Punch <fn> <ft> (<fm>) To
<Account ID>) and "harmless" command is perhaps the most
accidentally used. The Punch command sends a stream of
unintelligable characters to the user. The CPU, seeing
this and realizing that it can't cope with such disasters,
immediately disconnects said user.
(Ever wonder why your friend was suddenly disconnected?)
This command is also useful when being harrassed by, or
for harassing, other users.
BUG <Account ID>
The bug command is used to listen in to messages sent to
and from said User ID. The messages are placed in a file
called "Stolen Messages A", which is especially fun to
read late at night or aloud at parties.
BLACKOUT <System>
Timed two hours after being inputted into the system, the
blackout command will sneak up behind an unsuspecting CPU
and clobber it with a large I/O request. Upon reviving,
the CPU will discover most of it's storage area gone and
may have to spend several years with a computer analyst so
that it may fully recover all it's lost memories.
DRAIN <System>
Electric bills getting you down? Kvetch no more! "Drain"
taps in to the system's power source and links on to your
main power line. Good for recharging your car battery or
just plain vaccuuming chores.
Note: Do not use to power computer to logon to system or power
will travel back in a loop and blow up parts of several
buildings.
PTOOEY <@Location>
The Ptooey command automatically diverts all printouts to
the location specified. The printer operator will suddenly
be overwhelmed with thousands of outputs pouring out of
the printers. This command has been known to bury entire
buildings and should only be used by extremely disturbed
individuals.
Hog <System>
'Hog' causes the operating system to allow only your
programs into the system. Great when running processes
with infinite loops. All other jobs will be deemed "Non -
Specific Error in Line 1" just to confuse everyone else.
Shock <Operator/Liason>
Send a high voltage power surge to the terminal of your
favorite Systems Operator. This command can have varied
results depending upon the terminal the operator/liason is
using. A cheap terminal may simply freeze in mid-screen,
while a more expensive terminals may go into complete shock
and fry all the programs on the public disk. And more
exclusively expensive terminals have been known to explode
rather suddenly, and without warning...
Freak <Account Id>
Ever wanna freak out those users who know more than you do?
The freak command causes error messages at said Account Id
for the most routine commands.
Examples are:
Command: Message:
------- -------
Wpascal fn - What's wrong? You can't read Pascal yourself,
Error!
Show Balance - What do you think I am? An acrobat?... Error!
Exec fn ft - Why should I? Error!
File - Am I your secretary? Error!
Dirm PW - What's da matter? You can't speak good english?
Error!
Flake <Account Id> <On/Off>
Sends random bit streams to said Account Id's terminal. The
longer the command is in effect, the more 'SNOW' (Those
(those annoying white dots of static which cloud up cheap
terminals) that will appear falling from the top of the
screen. Makes terminals look like those shake and snow
scenes.
CREATIVACCOUNT <Account Id/Liason/Operator>
Adjust account funds and balances with this helpful command.
LOGLIA
Liason denied you more funds? I-Building worker lost your
output? Loglia automatically logs off all liasons, system
employees and all other members of high authority that have
given you trouble in the past.
Compiled by: RAAQC161 & TIGQC318
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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