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Paramedics from Hell 12 (reader discretion advised


From : Phil Arnold
Subj : Paramedics from Hell 12

Got a call for a suicide attempt last week. A man walked out of his
house and onto the sidewalk. In one hand he held a fistfull of
pennies, in the other - an M80 firecracker.

Before anyone could stop him, he put all the pennies in his mouth,
then put the M80 in his mouth, and lit it. The explosion drove the
pennies through his soft palate, and into his brain. When we arrived,
we found a man supine on the sidewalk, with a big red splotch where
his face used to be. There were no remaining landmarks anywhere on
his face. Surprisingly, he was still breathing. Whether it was the
remaining intact brainstem or that he was just too stupid to know he
should've been dead - I'll never know. Since he was still breathing,
we had to make a rescusitation attempt.

"Dave - I'll tube him ... I think." I said, as I pulled out the
intubation roll.

My equipment was set up - now all I had to do was find the mouth.

"Hey - where did he get an M80 this time of year?" was Dave's reply.

"Uh - you're not gonna try to treat him - are you?" asked one of the
cops. I could see the little hamster-wheel turning slowly in his
head. "That's really gonna make this crime scene hard to secure - if
you move his body."

Translation: I don't want to do any more paperwork than I have to.

"Don't worry," I replied. "Even if we stabilize him - someone will
still have to turn him to the sun and water him once a day."

"Huh - what's that supposed to mean?" asked the now bewildered cop.

"It means that he'll be a vegetable all the rest of his days."
replied my partner. "Just call him 'Carrot-top' from now on."

"Fitzy - leave the medics alone." yelled one of the detectives. Thank
god.

During the conversation, I continued to look for the mouth. By moving
one red flap over here ... and this red flap like so - found it!

I snapped the intubation blade in the 'open' position - the
light-bulb at the end of it shined a steady white. I placed into the
oozy cavity, and was dismayed.

There was no visible structure to follow - no epiglottis, no vocal
cords. Nothing.

Just then I saw a bubble form from a puddle of blood. I followed it
with my endotracheal tube - to my surprise, frothy blood began to
travel up the tube, which eventually stopped. The small bubbles on
the side of the tube began to move up and down - just like a
respiration. I listened over the chest while Dave attached the other
end of the tube to a 'ambu' and began to 'bag' him. I could hear
breath sounds on both sides of his chest. I was in. I inflated the
cuff at the other end of the tube - to make an air-tight seal between
the tube and his bronchus, and quickly secured the tube to his, err,
head. After rolling him onto a spine-board, we transported him to a
local hospital.

Turn him to the sun and water him once a day.

 
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