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Pun Stuff. A collection of really bad (and therefo
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
| PUN STUFF |
| A NIRVANAnet(tm) Infodose compiled by Skywalker |
| Distributed via the NIRVANAnet(tm) text file distribution network |
o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o
Following is some misc. _stuff and stuff_ that has collected on my hard
drive. I thought I would share it with you all before I del'd it.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
>
> A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats
> the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the
> panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you
> going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!"
>
> The panda yells back at the bartender, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it
> up!"
>
> The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition
> for panda: "A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized
> by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves".
--------------------------------------------------------
>A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
>After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor
>replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put
>a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous,
>I take a sip."
>
>So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning
>of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk
>up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the
>following note on his door:
>
> 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
>
> 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
>
> 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
>
> 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
>
> 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
>
> 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
>
> 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy,
> Junior, and Spook.
>
> 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
>
> 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't
> say he was stoned off his ass.
>
>10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!
>
>11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this
> and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say, "Eat me."
>
>12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".
>
>13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub,
> thanks for the grub, yah God."
>
>14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Peter's,
> not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
>
>
--------------------------------------------------------------
Two engineering students meet on campus one day. The first engineer
calls out to the other, "Hey - Nice bike! Where did you get it?"
"Well," replies the other. "I was walking to class the other day when
this pretty, young, coed rides up on this bike. She jumps off, takes off
all of her clothes, and says "You can haave ANYTHING YOU WANT!"
"Good choice," says the first, "her clothes wouldn't have fit you
anyway."
--------------------------------------------------------------
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were
standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.
After about an hour,the manager came out of the office and asked them
to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because,"
he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
-=-
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon,
as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to
find that he was out of hazlenut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw
together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The
doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and
exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied
the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
-=-
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and
reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion
quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even
the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
-=-
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in
ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would
win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
-=-
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a
teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with
me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
-=-
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his
mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put
in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The
man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife
made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was
delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on
everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything." "Well," says
the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made
with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away
your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use
chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist
replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like
chrome for the Hollandaise!"
-=-
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first
gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee
made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a
boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of
antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the
chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story
teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged
the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully.
Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth
to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it
out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw
of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other
two hides."
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