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Random Access Humor May/94
______ __ __ __ ______
/ __ / / \ \ \ \ \ / _\/_ \
/ /_/ /andom / /\ \ccess \ \_\ \umor | |____| |
/ _ _/ / ____ \ \ __ \ \__ \____/
/ / \ \ / / \ \ \ \ \ \ |_\____|
/_/ \_\ /_/ \_\ \_\ \_\ |____|
--------------------------------------------------
The Electronic Humor Magazine
--------------------------------------------------
Version 1 Release 4 May 1994
Editor: Dave Bealer
Member of the Digital Publishing Association
Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer, All Rights Reserved
Printed on 100% recycled electrons
Random Access Humor is an irregular production of:
VaporWare Communications
32768 Infinite Loop
Sillycon Valley, CA. 80486-DX2
USA, Earth, Sol System, Milky Way
WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!
The "look and feel" of Random Access Humor has been specifically
earmarked, spindled and polygraphed. Anyone who attempts to copy
this look and feel without express written consent of the publisher
will be fed to rabid radioactive hamsters by our Security Director,
Vinnie "The Knife" Calamari.
TABLE OF INCONTINENCE:
About Vaporware Communications.....................................01
Editorial - Bleeding Butt Liberals.................................01
Lettuce to the Editor..............................................02
Stalking The Wild Lurker...........................................03
RAH News Magazine..................................................06
What's Going On?...................................................07
Logging Onto The National Information Superhighway: A Prediction...09
Twelve Steps To An Affordable Health Care System...................11
When the Gods Get Bored............................................14
The Unfinancial User...............................................15
1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey.............................19
Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers..........................21
RAH Humor Review: Classic Comedy Recordings........................22
Announcements......................................................24
Bumper Stickers Seen on the Information Superhighway...............25
Masthead - Submission Information.................................A-1
RAH Distribution System...........................................A-3
^LRandom Access Humor Page 1 May 1994
About Vaporware Communications
VaporWare Communications is an operating division of VaporWare
Corporation, a public corporation. Stock Ticker Symbol: SUKR
VaporWare Corporate Officers:
Luther Lecks
President, Chief Egomaniac Officer
Dorian Debacle, M.B.A. Gabriel Escargot
V.P., Operations V.P., Customer Service
Pav Bhaji, M.Tax.(Avoidance) Carlos Goebbels
V.P., Finance V.P., Political Correctness
Kung Pao Har Hoo, M.D., Ph.D., D.Sc. F.A.C.S, C.P.A., S.P.C.A.,
Y.M.C.A., L.E.D., Q.E.D., op. cit., et al.
V.P., Research & Development
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Editorial - Bleeding Butt Liberals
by Dave Bealer
One of the strangest suggestions received from a RAH Reader Survey
respondent to date is that RAH is "too American." The respondent in
question, who lives in Europe (of all places!), suggests that RAH
become "more English." As an Anglophile I have no basic objection to
this provided I'm not required to eat English food.
One quaint Olde English custom that has received a lot of attention
lately is the caning of youthful offenders. Anyone who has lurked in
virtually any online conference or read any newspaper in the last few
weeks knows about Michael Fay, the owner of the most famous buttocks
in the world.
For those one or two RAH readers who were visiting relatives on Pluto
and haven't caught up on the news, Michael Fay is an 18 year old from
Dayton, Ohio. Fay was caught vandalizing cars (with spray paint)
while residing with his family in Singapore, a former British colony.
Singapore has some very strict laws on the books, including execution
for drug dealers. Singapore also canes young men for several types
of offense, including vandalism involving graffiti. Fay's sentence
of four months in jail and six strokes of the cane has raised a major
international furor, the likes of which are usually reserved for bus
or plane loads of innocent hostages grabbed by terrorists.
A lot of folks have been putting on a spectacular "ugly American"
display online. The most amazing display of stupidity has been from
those misguided Americans who believe that the U.S. Bill of Rights is
a kind of force field that follows them everywhere they go on the
planet. These yokels fail to recognize that there are actually other
sovereign countries on this planet, with their own laws and ways of
enforcing them. After a few weeks of this, I began to understand why
Europeans might object to anything that is "too American."
^LRandom Access Humor Page 2 May 1994
Another appalling matter is the way the liberal media in the U.S. has
handled (one could almost say, manufactured) this whole situation.
Baltimore's major daily newspaper is an incredibly liberal rag. They
took a survey of local citizens, then had to engage in lots of fancy
footwork when the survey didn't match their preconceptions. The
survey results where in the 80-90% range in favor of using corporal
punishment *in America* on young offenders like Fay. The liberal
"experts," whose opinions came last in the article, noted that these
results were just the public reaction to fear of crime in the
streets. How horrible, that Americans would react negatively to
rampant crime in the streets! What is wrong with us? Surely the
rights of gangs of young thugs are more important than our safety?
NOT!
- - -
Submissions to RAH are picking up, which is good. Among other
things, it means that I can be more selective about what I accept.
Recently I rejected a parody of Edgar Allen Poe's _A Tell Tale
Heart_. Perhaps I should point out that I'm not a Poe fan, so
parodies based on his work have a tougher time getting accepted.
Another thing that needs to be mentioned is that parody is very
difficult to do well. If you're going to do it, I recommend trying
free form parody, like my parody of ST:DS9 in the November 1993
issue. Just playing with characters and general situations makes it
much easier. Trying to parody a work, line by line, is really tough.
I've only tried it a couple of times, with mixed results. Some of
you are no doubt better writers than I am, so don't be afraid to try
anything if you really want to. Just be aware of the difficulties
involved with parody. {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Lettuce to the Editor
Area: Fidonet Matr
Date: 04-04-94 19:27 (Private)
From: Bob Dunlap (1:226/600.3)
To: Lettuce (1:261/1129)
Subject: network mci
Hey, what's up with those "Network MCI" commercials? Are they part
MCI's attempt to take over the world?
Or are you guys at VaporWare really behind all of it? You can tell
us.... :)
bob
- - - - - - - -
Bob,
MCI is too late. Microsoft, AT&T, and Apple got together in a garage
in Klamath Falls, Oregon last Wednesday and conquered the world.
After they divided the spoils, Microsoft ended up with everything
North of San Francisco, AT&T had everything South of San Diego, and
those shrewd negotiators from Apple ended up with Toledo. Luther
Lecks, who kindly provided the forms and the refreshments for the
negotiations, somehow ended up with the rest of the United States,
Europe, Asia, and Africa. The RAH staff didn't even get a raise.
Dave
^LRandom Access Humor Page 3 May 1994
Area: Internet Mail
Msg: #437
Date: 04-07-94 00:04 (Private)
From: [email protected]
To: LETTUCE
Subject: HUH?
Dave,
In my hunger for the latest issue of RAH, instead of waiting for my
local BBS to post it, I thought, what the hell - call the Puffy Nest
and get it my self. *WRONG* After several calls (probably around
eight bucks in long distance charges) I flat out gave up. Tried
several protocols - nothing happened. System locked up on me and
forced a hang up to get me out of it. Live and learn, only I didn't
learn anything. Any ideas about why I couldn't d/l the file???
[email protected]
- - - - - - - -
Jim,
I'm not sure what to tell you. There have been no problems reported
by any TPN users lately, and I haven't personally seen anything
weird. Perhaps if you could give me more details (or at least spell
the name of the BBS correctly). Another thing, it is better to
address BBS tech support questions to Dave Bealer, rather than to
Lettuce. I may not get around to reading Lettuce messages until days
or weeks later, when the next issue of RAH is being assembled. Sorry
for any inconvenience.
Dave
- - - - - - - - - - - -
We want to hear from our readers! Get the same kind of respectful
answers to YOUR questions. Send your e-mail to:
Internet> [email protected]
FidoNet> Lettuce at 1:261/1129
You can also ask your questions in one (or both) of our two new RAH
reader conferences. Internet users can subscribe to our RAHUSER
mailing list (send e-mail to: [email protected] for instructions)
and FidoNet users can ask their sysops to obtain the new RAHUSER echo
from the RAH Publication BBS (1:261/1129).
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Stalking The Wild Lurker
by Dave Bealer
Public message conferences are home to many species of creature. A
few of these species have been studied in previous RAH issues as part
of the continuing feature, The Twit Filter. Not all inhabitants of
the online world are twits, even though the message traffic in a
particular conference on a particular day might indicate otherwise.
The simple truth is that twits are people who actually post messages
in conferences, and people who post messages make up a small minority
of the online world (at least if any of the USENET newsgroup reader-
ship stats are to be taken seriously). This not to say that everyone
who posts is a twit, because they aren't. Nor is this an indication
that none of the people who never post, commonly called lurkers, are
twits. It's just that we are spared from reading the twitticisms of
those twits who choose not to post.
^LRandom Access Humor Page 4 May 1994
Lurkers are a very mysterious phenomenon in the online world, since
they are essentially invisible. Only users who post messages can be
seen, and then only during the time they continue posting. In this
manner each conference can be seen as a large theater or auditorium
where only the stage is lighted. Only people who are on the stage
(posting messages) can be seen, both by each other and the audience
of lurkers.
The lurkers are safely hidden in their darkened seats, at least until
such time as a lurker chooses to ascend to the stage by posting a
public message. The lurkers in the audience may hold conversations
with each other, via private e-mail, regarding the activities on the
stage or virtually any topic they choose. These private e-mail
conversations do not have any substantive effect on the dialogue
(read: argument) taking place on the stage, since only the direct
participants in the private exchange will even be aware of it.
The only two sure things about lurkers are that they exist, and that
they don't remain lurkers forever. Lurkers either get tired of a
given conference (or the online experience in general) and quit, or
they are moved to post a message. There are several reasons for
first messages posted by lurkers, the most common ones being:
- The lurker has information (or an idea) pertinent to one of the
threads currently taking place in the conference. Although this
is probably the best reason for someone to "disengage lurking
device," it is, regrettably, not the most common reason.
- A statement made in the conference challenges some sacred cow of
the lurker in question. The lurker feels the need to repudiate
the foul person who has sullied the lurker's beliefs.
Predictably, this is one of the most common reasons why people
"de-lurk."
- The lurker has a question that needs an immediate answer, usually
for an important project (that was due two days ago) in a
required course. The question might, if the moon is in just the
right phase, have something vaguely to do with the topic of the
conference where the message was posted. The moon is almost
*never* in just the right phase.
Lurkers posting their first message should not be confused with those
who can't be bothered with lurking. These characters see an
interesting looking conference title and barge in, posting a demand
(usually in ALL CAPS) to be told "what goes on here?" Even better
are the ones who "know what the conference has to be about" from the
extensive research involved in reading the conference title, and
proceed to post messages on that basis. These folks are classic twit
filter bait.
^LRandom Access Humor Page 5 May 1994
Before anyone gets the wrong idea about lurkers I should mention that
lurking is often a *good thing*. Users new to the online experience,
or who are checking out a new conference, should lurk for a while
before posting. This directive is almost as important for your
online safety as that old saw, "look both ways before crossing the
street." Determining what conversations are going on and what the
rules and customs for the conference are would seem (using common
sense) to be a basic prerequisite to posting messages. It doesn't
always work that way. Still, breaking this directive should only be
attempted by those wearing flame retardant clothing.
Experienced users can be lurkers too. They may be too busy to pay
close attention to the messages and to write thoughtful replies, or
they may not be interested in any of the topics currently being
discussed. This is perfectly okay, not to mention preferable to
demanding loudly and petulantly why no threads of interest to the
lurker are being discussed. The sensible solution to this last
problem is to start a thread that is of interest.
This underlines the major difference between an online conference and
a real theater. Only one person can speak at a time in a real
theater, at least if the performers want to be heard and understood.
Many people can sing at the same time, but they had better be singing
the same tune, or chaos will result. In an online conference several
conversations (threads) can be occurring simultaneously. If you
don't like any of the songs being performed in a conference, get up
on stage and start one you do like. If others find your song
interesting enough to join in, you've just started another thread.
In summary, lurkers aren't all that mysterious, since virtually
everyone is a lurker at one time or another. There are about as many
reasons for lurking as there are lurkers. As a child I was afraid of
dead people. My father told me, "don't worry about dead people, son,
it's the live ones you gotta watch out for." The same thing goes for
lurkers. Don't worry about lurkers, it's the posters you have to
worry about. {RAH}
--------------
Dave Bealer is a thirty-something mainframe systems programmer who
works with CICS, MVS and all manner of nasty acronyms at one of the
largest heavy metal shops on the East Coast. He shares a waterfront
townhome in Pasadena, MD. with two cats who annoy him endlessly as he
writes and electronically publishes RAH. FidoNet> 1:261/1129
Internet: dave.[email protected]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Sound Byte:
Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job?
A: Four: three to hold it down and one to rip its head off.
^LRandom Access Humor Page 6 May 1994
RAH News Magazine
by Greg Borek
Our lead story tonight: Mrs. Edna Greenbaum of Passaic, New Jersey
has quietly become the richest woman in the world. Demonstrating
keen business acumen and a perverse love of peanut butter, Mrs.
Greenbaum quietly obtained the patent for the computer keyboard.
From now on anyone using a computer keyboard to input information
into a computer now owes Mrs. Greenbaum 25 cents per keystroke. When
questioned what possessed her to make such a bold and insightful
financial maneuver, Mrs. Greenbaum claimed that she was actually
trying to obtain a patent for a new lawnmower that operates by
burning off some of the immense amount of sugar in peanut butter, but
filled the form out wrong. Lawyers are preparing to sue.
Spot the Wonder Dog was unfortunately shot and killed by Secret
Service agents today while at an award ceremony in his honor at the
White House. Spot TWD was at the White House to receive an award
from the First Cat for conspicuous bravery and "just plain smarts"
not usually found in a canine. Spot TWD's award was for having
reprogrammed the onboard computers and then landing a crippled
airplane that had inadvertently run into a flock of vultures (without
permission) that now inhabit the environs of Dulles airport. (The
vultures are endangered so now airplanes are as well.) Apparently,
as Spot TWD was preparing to read from a prepared statement he forgot
where he was and pooped on the carpet before attempting to "tree" the
First Cat. Approximately 150 of the warning shots fired by the
Secret Service hit Spot TWD, and he died two hours later at DC
General. Lawyers for the SPCA are planning to sue.
Joseph J. Henderson won an 3 day, 7 night all-expense paid trip for
two to the Bahamas for winning a computer programming contest
sponsored by IBM. Mr. Henderson, a retired milkman who only has a
rough familiarity with the BASIC programming language, won the
contest by producing the smallest, fastest program that would
"produce a sorted list of numbers in ascending order". Mr.
Henderson's rudimentary BASIC program was only 20 bytes in size and
did indeed produce a sorted list of numbers as output, provided,
however, the input was also sorted in ascending order. When notified
by IBM that although he had fulfilled the letter of the instructions
he had not complied with the spirit of the contest and was therefore
not being considered eligible for a prize, Mr. Henderson called "a
lawyer guy with nice hair I saw on the boob tube" and was eventually
awarded the first prize.
No one in the computer industry was surprised or really that
interested in a "kind-of" announcement "unofficially" made by
Microsoft about some software it might produce eventually.
Apparently the computer media is tired of being played like a cheap
violin and is now waiting until Microsoft actually produces something
before evaluating it. A spokesman for people said, "Well, it's about
time." Intel is planning to sue for service mark infringement:
obviously Microsoft is trying to mimic Intel's "string'em along but
only produce something when you really have to" marketing strategy
and business plan.
^LRandom Access Humor Page 7 May 1994
The newly created Ministry of Thought Police ruled today that it is
now a felony to make any sort of pun about the "information
superhighway." They are concerned that these puns are trivializing
Mr. Gore's importance and make him look more and more and more and
more like Dan Quayle every day. The Ministry also executed its first
suspect, a Mr. Fred Rogers of Tempe, AZ. Mr. Rogers was caught
red-handed wondering in a private e-mail message what business Ms.
Rodham Clinton had attending Cabinet meetings. Ministry officials
hoped that all heretics could be eliminated as quickly in the
future.
On a positive note, a lawyer committed suicide today by jumping off
of the Empire State Building. A note found at the scene said the man
was tired of being a detriment to society, forever sponging off the
honest labor of working people without contributing anything. It
went on to say that lawyers have now made their way into every aspect
of human life, and he felt that honest people should be able to make
major transactions without having to support overpaid whiners. A
spokesman for lawyers said he wasn't surprised that a thing like this
could happen given the constant harassment lawyers are constantly
subjected to.
As a surprise to absolutely no one, 118 million separate lawsuits are
being filed against the man's estate, the city and state of New York,
the owners of the Empire State Building, the descendants of the
people who constructed the building, anyone who witnessed the event,
the inventor of the hula-hoop, Utah, the Coca-Cola company, the
Colorado Rockies baseball team, and several other people not in any
way connected with the event. {RAH}
--------------
Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg
Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: [email protected]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
What's Going On?
By Robert Hankins
There will be a screening of the Alain Resnais film,
"Nazis: Just Plain Bad" at the Orpheus, Thursday.
3105 Dump Truck Street. Francois Truffaut called it "okay".
9 year old artist Billy Turner will present an exhibit
of his Crayon works, all week at the Shlock Museum,
6104 Arsenio Hall Boulevard. Says Billy, "Many people don't
realize there's a difference between Crayon and Crayola.
But there is."
A screening of a little known Disney cartoon,
"Steamboat Jehovah's Witness", at the Paramount, Wednesday,
5204 Dufus Lane. The late Francois Truffaut said, "I didn't
see it. I tried to, but TBS ran late with one of those
basketball games."
^LRandom Access Humor Page 8 May 1994
The famous dope-sniffing dog known simply as "Satan"
will be signing autographs at the Krieger Hotel on Lemonhead
Avenue, Tuesday. Curious drug-users are requested to stay
at least 300 yards from the pooch.
There will be a wacky car accident at the intersection
of Nostradamus and Fifth, Thursday, around brunch.
Ironically, neither driver will have insurance.
>> Television This Week <<
"60 Minutes" --- Mike Wallace harasses some
McDonald's employees just to get a free milk-shake.
"Fresh Prince of Bel-Air" -- two new characters are introduced:
Sgt. Stacey Koon and Officer Laurence Powell are hired to
"keep an eye" on Will and his wacky L.A. buddies.
News for the Dead --- with Ian Wolfe.
A story about dead musician Charlie Parker: songs include
"Ornithology", "Astronomy", "Social Sciences", "Gestaltism",
and "Department of Health and Human Services".
Movie: "Honey, I Impregnated the Kids!" (1991)
Disney film not suitable for children.
Cast wishes to remain anonymous.
Movie: "Sappho -- 1970" (1984)
Wacky Joe Orton play about blundering jewel thieves who stumble
into Judy Garland film festival in West Hollywood.
"Sesame Street"
Leon Trotsky makes a dash to Mexico after stealing
Cookie Monster's Mitch Miller records.
The number for today is 666.
"Love That Nessie!"
When the cable company tells him that his loch-bound cave
is "too deep" to be serviced, the lovable monster
takes hostages at a nuclear plant.
Star Trek: "A Taste of Matzah" --- Kirk, Spock and McCoy are
transported back in time to Bob Dylan's briss ceremony.
Scotty introduces a young Gorn to the pleasures of bourbon.
Movie: "Clambake Beach" (William Asher, 1965)
Beach comedy with Frankie, Annette and Clyde the Gorilla.
Trouble starts when Frankie spies Annette at the local hang-out
having dinner with Albert Camus. with Paul Lynde, Don Rickles.
Movie: "Ghidrah, the Three-Headed Plumber" (Japan, '66)
Down and out plumber runs amok in the men's room
at Macy's Department Store. Ghidrah: Dean Jagger;
Willie: Leo McKern
^LRandom Access Humor Page 9 May 1994
"It's a Vet's Life"
Veterinarian John Baxter explains how the Van Allen Belts can be
used to pick up women.
Omnibus: "Craaazy Joe!"
Part 6 of 4. Communist hunting U.S. Senator Joseph McCarthy
accuses himself of being "a ruskie".
"Aye, Jimmie!" --- starring James McReadingsberry.
Scottish comedy about a group of butlers who live in a mansion but
serve no one. Food/supplies arrive on doorstep every day but the
benefactor remains unknown.
Movie: "Le Stupide" ---(Jean-Luc Goddard, 1959)
A man learns how to leave his body to avoid salesmen.
Jacques Tati; Ayymmieeee.
Movie: "The Silence of the Lamb of God" (Ingmar Bergman, 1990)
An FBI agent enlists a fallen-from-grace television evangelist
to track down a mutated cannibalistic homosexual priest.
Jodie Foster; Michael Caine.
Movie: "Never Cry Help" (1990)
Bruce Willis as grizzled L.A. cop on vacation in Sri Lanka;
comes across international terrorists planning to turn
Bermuda Triangle into a giant shopping mall for the insane.
Mitch Ryder, Rutger Hauer, Paul Ruebens.
>> Selected Horoscope <<
Pisces: (Feb 20 to March 20)
Cash-in all your IRA's and go to one of the many
Merv Griffin Riverboat Casinos around the country.
Do it! Do it now! Merv beckons you!!!! {RAH}
--------------
Robert Hankins lives in Lake Charles, LA. He doesn't like technical
humor, so he's blackmailing RAH's editor to publish more of the other
kinds, especially stuff written by Robert himself.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Logging Onto The National Information Superhighway: A Prediction
by Vincent B. Navarino
CONNECT 9600
Welcome to the National Information Superhighway. Enter a command.
> HELP
Welcome to the National Information Superhighway. We'd love to tell
you what the National Information Superhighway is, but since it was
created by the government we don't have a clue. Try something.
> DIR
^LRandom Access Humor Page 10 May 1994
Sorry, that command is not available. Try something else.
> NEW
Please enter name:
> VINCENT NAVARINO
Enter Password:
> HILLARY IS A FOX
That's the President you're talking about fella! Take that back!
> ISN'T BILL THE PRES?
That's what she lets him think. What do you think of the Vice Pres?
> GORE IS A BANANA-HEAD
We think so too. Enter Address.
> 3 TOLEDO LANE, TOPEKA KANSAS
That is *NOT* your address! The FBI will be sent to your real
address if you hesitate more than 3 seconds before answering
truthfully. Don't screw with us - we're the government
> SORRY. TANAGER RD., MONROE NY
Enter Password:
> VINCENT NAVARINO
Good job, a truly unique password. Now let's see what *WE*
have on you.
**Accessing CIA and FBI databases . . .
Subject: Vincent B. Navarino
- Age: 28
- Weight: 180lbs
- Current location: sitting 2.5m from the left corner of his bedroom
in his basement apartment
- Currently wearing a dirty Paradise tee shirt, faded Rustler Jeans
(34wx32l), two day old Fruit of the Loom briefs (medium),
mismatched tube socks currently 5.76cm lower than the knees
- Hygiene: has not showered in three days
- Sexual Orientation: Heterosexual
- Registered Republican (with slight Democratic tendencies)
*** New User Questionnaire***
^LRandom Access Humor Page 11 May 1994
Answer truthfully or else the sniper who has you lined up in his
sights will open fire.
Where did you get this number to access the National Information
Superhighway?
> BATHROOM WALL AT JOHNNIE'S BAR AND GRILL.
Why do you want to access the National Information Superhighway?
> TO GET SOME KOOL WAREZ
What do you think of our president?
> HILLARY IS DOING A FINE JOB
Thanks, we think so too. She's a dear. What do you think of her
husband, the First Man?
> NEEDS A PERSONALITY
Well, you can't have everything. Thank you for taking the time out
to fill out the New User Questionnaire. The sniper has been
recalled. And now for our opening menu . . .
*****************************************************
* WELCOME TO THE NATIONAL INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY *
*****************************************************
* A JOINT VENTURE BROUGHT TO YOU BY: *
*****************************************************
* IBM, SEARS AND MICROSOFT*&^%$&*^%$#@!@!
%$#@+NO CARRIER {RAH}
--------------
Vincent B. Navarino is a mainframe programmer. He lives in the quiet
town of Monroe, NY where he runs his BBS - the Particle Board III
(Fidonet 1:272/60). After being abducted by space aliens and
returned to Earth, he now stares at the moon and submits his rantings
to RAH magazine (and they accept them!)
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Twelve Steps To An Affordable Health Care System
by Dean J. Earlix
One look at competing health care proposals makes it pretty obvious
no one with both understanding and need of public health care was
ever consulted. Even an impoverished doctoral student in one of the
allied health fields using just the leftover dregs of his imagination
could do better. In fact, could anyone be better qualified?
Consider these 12 steps to an affordable health care system:
1. Put a lid on those pointless medical procedures, but avoid the
costs of new bureaucracy, by letting an *existing* federal agency
spot-check surgery and diagnostic tests. I figure the Internal
Revenue Service--which is already geared for audits and Internal
anyway--could handle this. Who knows, maybe this year the IRS
can start saving Americans money instead of just grabbing it.
^LRandom Access Humor Page 12 May 1994
2. Know from the start if your doctor is any good. Toss out all
those old magazines in doctors' waiting rooms and replace them
with current medical journals and a medical dictionary. Now when
you sit down, you can read about your symptoms and quiz the
physician before a consultation. This measure could cut down the
need for expensive multiple opinions, motivate doctors to study
the current medical literature, and no doubt shorten waiting
periods.
3. Improve the accessibility of primary health care. Move
specialists out of those expensive, inconvenient medical centers
and into retail districts and malls where you can also cut costs
by eliminating offices. Optometrists are already working out of
eyeglass stores; why not have child psychologists in toy stores,
a marriage councilor at the florist, and gynecologists in
lingerie shops?
4. Motivate people to undertake preventative health care. Most folks
vaguely know that preventative health care saves society money,
but how do we give John and Jane Q. Public their piece? How
about this: say epidemiological studies indicate a certain test
for premenopausal women will save society millions of dollars.
Use census data to work this out on a per patient basis and send
out savings for the test in a recognizable form... perhaps as
discount coupons. Of course, the expiration date on some of
these coupons, menopause in this example, could be messy to
check.
5. Lower the costs of medical research, which should drop the cost
of medical treatments, by using white collar criminals in
research labs. Criminal labor that is--I won't even ask what you
were thinking. Myself, I've been wondering why we should have
college-educated lawbreakers just stamping out license plates or
working out with weights when they could be washing lab glassware
or running analytic equipment. Far from being worried, the
medical researchers I've worked for would love having an
assistant they could threaten to send to prison for sloppy work.
And do so nightly.
6. Fight the multibillion dollar costs of addiction by selectively
decriminalizing addictive substances and dispensing them from
government clinics that give mandatory therapy. Conservatives
worried that decriminalization amounts to social approval, fear
not: We'll let the anti-abortion industry handle the accompanying
graphic of what drugs *really* do to the brain. Yech. For
liberals concerned about the victims of decriminalization, those
poor disenfranchised drug traffickers, we could retrain them for
urban distribution of prescription drugs. At today's prices,
they'd hardly know the difference.
7. Eliminate the nettlesome conflict of interest between health
plans and health plan users. In case we legislate which
procedures are covered by national insurance, let's consider
trivia like dollar estimates of physical pain, mental anguish,
^LRandom Access Humor Page 13 May 1994
and chance of failure. No doubt, health plan executives will
insist on determining these values themselves. Sounds fair: For
verisimilitude, offer to drape them in paper gowns, belt them
onto the examining or operation table, chill the instruments, and
ask them to suggest dollar values for everything they are about
to experience.
8. Widen the health tax base. As long as we tax people to disease
themselves with alcohol and tobacco, why not add health tax to
other unhealthy substances? We could tax raw fish and rare meat
at restaurants to cover parasite and food poisoning treatment,
tax tanning salons and bikinis to pay for skin cancer operations,
and maybe a workplace stress tax leveled against abusive
superiors. Admittedly, if folks start living more healthy lives
and treating each other with respect, the tax base would all but
dry up, but I don't suppose there's much danger of that happening
soon.
9. Institute no-fault medical malpractice insurance that completely
covers doctors, generously awards victims of human error, and
leaves lawyers out in the cold. Practitioners could lower their
fees across the board once they stopped paying malpractice
insurance premiums greater than their patient's annual income.
If they hold true to form, lawyers' groups with names like "just
plain folks against malicious medical malfeasance" will be
contributing more money to fight the measure than is spent by all
presidential and legislative candidates *combined*. Just a 5%
tax on these political contributions could probably fund
reasonable damage awards through the twenty-second century.
10. Substitute unemployed professionals for overpaid medical
specialists. For example, hire unemployed Hughes engineers and
computer programmers to replace $200,000/year anesthesiologists.
As an added benefit, the new anesthesiologists could talk to the
patient about their former work, greatly decreasing the required
amount of anesthetic. We could also cut costs by replacing
physical therapists with drill sergeants recently released due to
military downsizing. Can't you just hear it echo down the
hospital hallway now? "Streeeeraaatch those tendons you WORM!"
Last, use the natural inclination of medical malpractice lawyers,
hopefully unemployed due to no-fault malpractice insurance, as
blood-letting phlebotomists.
11. Allow elective medical treatments to be paid by elective
donations. Hospitals and clinics are chronically short of blood
because, if cash is paid, they get donations from undesirable
types like alcoholics, drug abusers, and college students. If
payment was non-cash--credit for elective procedures--
undesirables would not be attracted by the cash. A couple
gallons of blood (separate visits, please) and those braces won't
cost a cent. Indeed, if doctors had switched earlier to the
serpent and staff caduceus and dropped the gilded balls of the
Medici device, the notion of cash for blood donations might never
have come up: While the Medici name is remembered in the word
^LRandom Access Humor Page 14 May 1994
medicine (and Medicare) the family device has remained the symbol
for their other line of business, pawn shops.
12. Read more humorous material. Not only is laughter cheap, it
might just be the best medicine. {RAH}
--------------
The author, Dean J. Earlix, has worked in a diagnostic lab and is
currently a doctoral candidate at Auburn University in an allied
health field. Admittedly, it is the fish health field. He can be
reached on the Internet at: [email protected]
---------------------------------------------------------------------
When the Gods Get Bored
by Ray Koziel
"Loki! Loki where are you?!"
"Why Thor, how are you doing? What's all the fuss about?"
"Loki, Father Odin has asked me to talk to you about some of your
mischievous doings of late. He wants you to stop playing your pranks
immediately and leave California alone."
"Oh come on Thor! Give me a break! What is a god to do nowadays?
Those humans down there have forgotten about us up here in Asgard!
All of them, caught up in their material things - their homes and
cars and computers. Or they are too busy! Running to this meeting
and that conference! To be honest Thor, I'm just plain bored."
"Bored? Loki, you are a god of Asgard...how can you possibly be
bored?!"
"I didn't think it could be possible either but it's true. It was
kinda fun at first. Let's see, there was the Bermuda Triangle. That
lasted quite some time before humans just stopped going through
there. Then there are the UFOs! Those still work in certain places.
And then they invented the computer! I'm still having a ball with
those! Computer viruses, system crashes, the possibilities are
endless! And they're putting together this information highway to
link 'em all together! Hooboy! I can't wait."
"See Loki! I'd say you are far from being bored."
"Ok, ok. But you have to admit, it's just not the same! I mean even
you have to admit that a thousand years ago you had 'em shaking on
Midgard every time you slammed your hammer and sent thunder through
the air. And what's all this about me leaving California alone?"
"Well haven't you gone a little overboard? Fire, riots, mudslides,
earthquakes - how much can one area take?!"
^LRandom Access Humor Page 15 May 1994
"Oh, all those pompous, rich idiots make me sick and I had to teach
'em a lesson. Why they want to live on top of a fault line is beyond
me anyway. And what are you getting on my case for, Mr.
Thunderpants? How about you and that little flood you got going in
the Midwest, huh?"
"Ok you got me! I see your point. It has been so long since I've
been able to express my strength and power. It just got pent up
inside me and I had to let it go. You're right Loki, things are not
the same anymore and there just isn't anything for a god to do."
"Hey, come on, don't be so glum! I know! Let's go see how my latest
prank is unfolding. I've been sending Wall Street on the wildest
ride ever. This should keep those starched shirts and bean counters
on antacid for a while!"
"I'm glad to see some things haven't changed! Let's go!" {RAH}
--------------
Ray Koziel is a systems programmer/analyst for a consulting firm in
Atlanta. Since Ray has started contributing to RAH, his wife has
become more at ease now that he has a new target for his weird sense
of humor.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
The Unfinancial User
by Chris Davidson
"You are old father Williams, the young man cried, and your hair
it is turning grey . . . "
I don't know who wrote the original of this. Someone called
Thomas Blakney, I think. Whoever he was, it is his poem that
seems at this particular instance, to prey upon my mind . .
Prey is not actually a good description. It is more like
something teetering around in my mind, somewhat like a young
lady trying out her first set of high heels and probably just as
comfortable . . .
Why am I thinking of this you ask?, Good question. Actually it
is because of a user, a nerd, and a juvenile one at that . . .
This is the reason for all my consternation and self doubts, as
to why, it is because he has touched upon a subject that I
normally avoid.
I, with all my accumulated knowledge at this present moment, am
feeling . . . dare I say it, have to admit I am getting OLD! It
is not so much that I am old that annoys me, its the insinuation
that I am and I quote 'ANCIENT.'
How did it start, what brought it on? Quite simple, a user
logging onto my BBS and me being stupid, answering a Sysop page
call . . .
<sirens blare> (well they do if you run PCBoard correctly)
^LRandom Access Humor Page 16 May 1994
Hello this is the Sysop, how may I help you? (I have a polite
tone to my page calls, comes with age).
"Ummm..giday (this nerd can't even spell correctly), how's it
going?
Okay. Can I help you with something?
Yes, why can't I download the latest copy of DOOM?
Please hold while I check <madly shell to PCBoard System
manager>, darn this bloke is non-financial and has a status
level equivalent to an amoeba and he expects download status .
. . fat chance!
<Politely> Sorry but as an unfinancial user you cannot download
any files.
What a bummer . . .
Yes well them's the breaks . . .
Yes, umm how bout I have a temp priviledge level just this
wunce?
<Get stuffed> under my breath . . . Sorry, it's not possible.
Puleeeese? <this whining, lapdog approach isn't gunna get you
any where!
Sorry.
Do you go to Uni?
No.
Rats, wuz gunna give you some hints on the up coming exams! Who
are you?
The sysop!
Oh, you're the old bloke who runs the BBS . . . ?
<Old, old . . . ever so slightly the blood pressure begins to
boil.> Just what do you mean by old?
Well. your about 28 or sumpin aren't you?
No slightly older <the blood pressure goes up another notch>
Umm how old are you?
It is here I could do my Zsa Zsa Gabor impersonation and say that,
contrary to media speculation, I am a mere 30! But being old and
wise <a fact I will come to regret later> I say proudly, no a bit
older than that!
^LRandom Access Humor Page 17 May 1994
Umm you mean you are older than 28? mibbe 30 sumpin, wun of them
wrinklies!
<I am now at a loss for words. What is a wrinkly, how old is a
wrinkly?) <I decide to battle on>. . .Try adding a few years.
Older'n 30?
Yes <defiantly>
40?
Older! <The chest suddenly thrusts itself forward, leaving me
temporarily out of breath, but I make it>
How old are you? <This is said with a certain amount of respect
at this point, but soon it will degenerate into something
totally different.>
Around 50 <give or take a few months, but who's counting>
Reeeeeeely no kidding, that old?
Yes, Why?
Shouldn't you be in bed or sumpin? I mean thats ancient man!
<Ever so slightly a China Syndrome begins to build itself within
my bosom. When you get to my age, it is common to find that men
do tend to develop bosoms.>
No I should not be in bed, and what has my age got to do with
anything? What the hell is it you want?
How kum you no so much about computers? They wasn't invented
when you were a kid! <uuh ohh, come in sucker>
What! course they were, we just didn't use them as much.
You guys didn't have any PC's when you wuz kids! My dad say's
you used sumpin called an abakus!
<Suddenly, the chaos at Chernobyl seems miniscule compared to
what is happening to my blood pressure> Look geek! <vehmence>
I will have you know they had computers in my day. We just
didn't have personal computers.
Booooooll sheet! the PC wasn't even invented when you wuz a kid!
<Suddenly the pounding in my head becomes intolerable. Quickly I
try to shove one of the little blue pills my local MD gave me to
reduce the pressure in my cholesterol choked veins, down to the
back of my throat>
^LRandom Access Humor Page 18 May 1994
I betcha you wuz peepin over Charles Babbages shoulder when they
invented computers . . . <g>
Funny bugger! <The blue pill manages to lodge itself not where
it is supposed to, but between the last of my two remaining
molars . . . I close my mouth. A bitter tasting concoction
fills my olfactory system which adds to my rising anger.> His
comment about ancient, combined with the bitter taste of the
junk enclosed in the blue pill causes me to grimace more than is
usual.
CRACK!
I release my grip on the mouse I was holding for succour, it
disintegrates into a thousand pieces, without a whimper, or a
squeak! I attempt to type a message which should have said
"LISTEN YOU!' but I hit the keyboard too hard and the plastic
top on the letter 'L' goes sailing across the room to be lost
among the rest of the office rubbish. Bravely I battle on and
hit the keyboard. With a whimper I shove what is left of the
bleeding stump that was my finger into my mouth. This guy has
begun to get to me!
Realising I am now sans mouse, sans one digit, I attempt to
restore some credability to the BBS and my standing as a Sysop .
. . this is hard. It has to be the most ridiculous sight you
could ever see, a Sysop madly trying to type and avoiding the
missing letter 'L', which makes all your sentences come out
sounding as if you are one of these Japanese TV commercials . .
. oh what a feering 'Toyota'! John Laws would hate me.
I try to jury rig the mouse...have you ever attempted to push
two wires around a mouse pad, without balls! Looks totally
stupid . . .
Rook you! I am not ord. I am a mature computer operator! Don't
you forget it ?. . . if it wasn't for guys rike me you wourn't
have a BBS to carr up.
The residue of the pills start to take effect, all I want to do
at this moment is to lie down somewhere and catch my breath . . .
Rook! < I start to say, then suffer an instantaneous bout of
altheziemers>
Hello? Hello you still there Sysop?
Awww gaaawd I mutter to myself . . . mibbe he's right, mibbe I
should chuck it in . . . {RAH}
--------------
Chris Davidson is the sysop of Images Unlimted in Darwin, Australia.
(3:850/110) He also is the editor and publisher of _Chips 'n' Bits_,
the Australasian Computer and BBS Users' Magazine.
^LRandom Access Humor Page 19 May 1994
1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey
Sponsored by:
EXEC-PC
P.O. Box 57 voice: (414) 789-4200
Elm Grove, WI. 2400: (414) 789-4210 V.32bis: (414) 789-4360
EXEC-PC is the world's largest BBS with 300+ incoming phone lines.
It was also one of the first major boards to adopt the Readroom Door
for online periodical viewing. Both RAH editions are personally
uploaded to EXEC-PC each month by the editor.
EXEC-PC has donated two one-year subscriptions to EXEC-PC, each
valued at $75.
Also sponsored by:
Clark Internet Services, Inc. (ClarkNet)
10600 Route 108 voice (800) 735-2258 ext. (410) 730-9764
Ellicott City, MD 21042 TDD: (410) 730-9764 FAX: (410) 730-9765
You can e-mail to [email protected] for automatic reply of ClarkNet
information or e-mail to [email protected] for inquiry.
ClarkNet provides Internet access services to the Baltimore/
Washington metro area. Full Internet/USENET/FTP/Archie/Gopher access
is available through UNIX shell accounts. UUCP, PPP, and SLIP access
is also available. The RAH support site makes its UUCP connection
thru ClarkNet. ClarkNet is connected to Internet via Sprint's T1
leased line. The modem access number is: (410) 730-9786.
ClarkNet has donated a prize package worth $100 to be awarded in a
random drawing from all fully completed 1994 RAH Reader Survey
responses received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94. The prize
package contains: 6 month ClarkNet Basic Internet Service (Internet
e-mail and USENET newsgroups only) and a copy of _Connecting to the
Internet_ by Susan Estrada. All setup fees and shipping charges are
included.
Additional prizes may be added as the survey progresses. Any such
additional prizes will he announced in future RAH issues. If your
organization would like to become a sponsor, contact Dave Bealer
for details. ([email protected]; Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129)
-------------------%<------- cut here --------->%--------------------
1994 Random Access Humor Reader Survey
(Only fully completed survey forms will be eligible for the drawing.)
>> Questions about you, the reader:
^LRandom Access Humor Page 20 May 1994
Name:___________________________________________________ Age:_______
Address:_____________________________________________________________
City:_________________________________________ State/Prov:___________
Country:______________________________ Postal Code:_________________
Electronic Address:__________________________________________________
Computer Type/Brand:______________________ Are You GUI(Y/N/Huh)?_____
Modem Brand:________________ Modem Speed:_________ 16550 UART?______
Approximate date (mo/yr) you made your first BBS call:_______________
(enter "N/A" if you haven't done these things)
Approximate date (mo/yr) you first used the Internet:________________
>> Questions about your RAH reading habits:
I get RAH from: ____ Internet Mailing List ____ FTP Site (specify)
____ BBS/Online System (specify) ____ CD-ROM (specify) ____ Friend
____ File Echo (specify) ____ Other (specify):______________________
Name of source:______________________________________________________
Net address/phone number of source:__________________________________
Location of source:__________________________________________________
Number of RAH issues your source carries:____________________________
Number of RAH issues you have read:__________________________________
Have you ever used the Readroom Periodical Reading Door (Y/N)? ______
What Changes/Additional Features would you like to see in RAH?
>> Questions about your favorite English-language humor/comedy:
(if you have no preference in a particular category,
enter "None")
Your favorite stand-up comedian:_____________________________________
Your favorite comic actor:___________________________________________
^LRandom Access Humor Page 21 May 1994
Your favorite comic actress:_________________________________________
Your favorite comedy movie:__________________________________________
Your favorite comedy television show:________________________________
Your favorite humorous novel:________________________________________
Your favorite comic book:____________________________________________
Your favorite humor columnist:_______________________________________
(newspaper or magazine)
Surveys may be returned at any time. Surveys that are completed and
received between 02/01/94 and 06/30/94 will be eligible for a drawing
for valuable prizes.
-------------------%<------- cut here --------->%--------------------
Return the survey to:
Internet: [email protected]
FidoNet: Survey94 at 1:261/1129
Snailmail: 1994 RAH Reader Survey
P.O. Box 595
Pasadena, MD. 21122
USA
The results from the humor/comedy preference portion of the survey
will be published in the September 1994 issue of RAH, as will the
list of winners from the drawing.
Please use the survey form from this issue or later issues. The form
published in the February 1994 issue did not include space for the
respondent's postal code. Lack of a postal code could delay the
delivery of any prize you might win.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Humor/Comedy Favorites of the RAH Writers:
For the duration of the 1994 RAH Reader Survey, we'll be providing
you with the survey responses of several RAH Writers. This month,
the survey responses of Greg Borek:
Your favorite stand-up comedian: George Carlin - A mean, cynical
surly old coot. (Greg can probably identify because he is a mean,
cynical surly young coot - Ed.)
Your favorite comic actor: Christopher Lloyd - does the most
convincing clinical insanity (Ibid - Ed.)
Your favorite comic actress: Valerie Bertinelli, closely followed by
Marilu Henner. Some people might actually like to see that.
^LRandom Access Humor Page 22 May 1994
Your favorite comedy movie: Kermit the Frog Goes Crazy-ape Bonkers
With His Drill & Set - I'm not sure where I saw this but the visual
experience was stunning.
Your favorite comedy television show: Monty Python's Flying Circus -
No other program has the quality, variety, or staying power.
Excellent all around. Nothing else comes close.
Your favorite humorous novel: "Coffee, Repartee, and the Idiot"
(1899). An obscure book about life in a boarding house where the
Idiot wins all tests of wits.
Your favorite comic book: Marvel's The Avengers - This is a qualified
vote because I have never read two consecutive issues. This makes
any sort of plotline impossible to follow. Stan Lee is an artistic
God.
Your favorite humor columnist: Dave Barry, closely followed by P.J.
O'Rourke. Barry does it every week but O'Rourke's "Parliament of
Whores" qualifies him for sainthood. {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
RAH Humor Review: Classic Comedy Recordings
by Dave Bealer
This month the RAH Humor Review takes a departure from coverage of
newly released comedy. A RAH Reader Survey respondent pointed out
that several forms of humor/comedy have been ignored in the survey.
The most important form mentioned was comedy records. Here are some
of my favorite humorous recordings:
>> Stand Up Comedy <<
George Carlin - Toledo Window Box (circa 1973)
* A friend in high school had this one, so I don't have any details.
We really enjoyed this one, though. George has enjoyed incredible
longevity in a tough and competitive field. He's just as funny
today as the first time I saw him do his "Hippy-Dippy Weatherman"
routine in the sixties.
Cheech & Chong - Big Bambu (circa 1973)
* The definitive drug comics do routines like "Sister Mary Elephant,"
"The Empire Hancock Building," and "Let's Make A Dope Deal." This
LP(*) came with Cheech & Chong rolling papers. I had a real
interesting time explaining to my father what they were doing in my
room. (Now available on CD from Warner)
Bill Cosby - Fat Albert (circa 1973)
* Probably not the title of any of Cosby's early albums, which were
owned by that same friend in high school. Long before Dr. Huxtable
there was Fat Albert and all the other crazies Bill grew up with.
Around this time there was also an animated series called "Fat
Albert And The Cosby Kids."
^LRandom Access Humor Page 23 May 1994
Lily Tomlin - This Is A Recording (Polydor - 1971)
* The Laugh-In veteran captured live at The Ice House, Pasadena, CA.
Lily portrays audacious operator Ernestine in such classics as "The
Marriage Counselor," "Mr. Veedle," and "The Repairman." The first
comedy record I ever purchased.
>> Humorous Music/Parodies <<
(includes recordings combining music and stand up routines)
Kip Addotta - The Comedian Of The United States (Laff - 1985)
* Features my favorite original comedy song, "Wet Dream." Also
includes "A State of the Humor Address," and "Big Cock-Roach."
Steve Martin - Comedy Is Not Pretty (Warner - 1979)
* The banjo-picking "wild and crazy guy" recorded live at the
Boarding House in San Francisco. Includes "Googlephonics," "Cruel
Shoes," and "Comedy Is Not Pretty."
Monty Python - Matching Tie and Handkerchief (Arista - 1973)
* A mixture of old and new. Classic Python sketches include: "The
Cheese Shop," "Bruces," and "Bishop on the Landing." Among the new
bits are "Background to History," "World War Noises," and "Word
Association Football." Side two of the original LP had a unique
feature - there were two completely separate sets of grooves.
After listening to half the material on side two, you had to keep
placing the needle at the start until it found the second groove
entry. The copy I own is "banded for airplay" so it has the normal
boring LP layout on both sides.
Peter, Paul & Mary - In Concert (circa 1964)
* I can hear it. Several thousand people just said, in unison, "What
the heck...." Yes, I know. PPM are not generally known for humor,
at least by those not familiar with their work. It just so happens
that these folks *are* funny. Noel Paul Stookey is a fine stand up
comic, in addition to being a member of the most famous folk
singing trio in history. His routine "Paultalk" from this double
album (now a double CD by Warner) was the first stand up comedy
routine I ever memorized. My mother had to buy another copy when I
wore out the first one by constantly dropping the needle on
"Paultalk" and "Puff the Magic Dragon" (seven-year-olds don't make
the most delicate needle droppers in the world). Peter Yarrow does
a great audience interaction spot setting up harmonies for "Rock My
Soul" that had to be the inspiration for SCTV's Schmenge Brothers
routine. Peter also does a hilariously confused speech about "The
Dragon" to lead into "Puff." Last, but definitely not least, Mary
Travers and Paul Stookey have a playful duet in "Car, Car." Noel
Paul Stookey wears yet another hat these days. He's the sysop of
the Celebration Station BBS in Blue Hill Falls, Maine. Using the
Major BBS, CeleStat supports speeds up to 14400 at (207) 374-5161.
^LRandom Access Humor Page 24 May 1994
"Weird Al" Yankovic - In 3-D (Scottie Brothers - 1984)
* The modern master of song parodies at his best. Includes classics
like "Eat It," "Buy Me A Condo," "I Lost On Jeopardy," and "King of
Suede."
{* Note: for younger readers who don't remember the Vinyl Age, the
term "LP" stands for "Long Playing record." They were the fore-
runners of today's CDs.} {RAH}
---------------------------------------------------------------------
Announcements and Observations
The 1994 RAH Reader Survey is still in full swing. We've already
received 25% more responses in three months than for the 1993 survey,
which has been running for 15 months. There are still two months
(until June 30, 1994) to respond in time to have your survey entered
in the drawing. Interim standings in the "popularity" portion of the
survey follow (standings as of 4/27/94):
Stand Up Comic:
Robin Williams and George Carlin are dueling for first place,
with Steven Wright a close third.
Comic Actor:
Steve Martin is tied for first with John Cleese. Chevy Chase
and Robin Williams are tied for third. A very close race.
Comic Actress:
Whoopie Goldberg is first, closely followed by Goldie Hawn.
Gilda Radner is in third place.
Comedy Movie:
Monty Python and the Holy Grail is clearly in the lead, with
Monty Python's Life of Brian tied for second with The Naked Gun.
Oddly enough, the Airplane movies haven't received a single vote.
Comedy Television Program:
Home Improvement is currently edging out M*A*S*H and Monty
Python's Flying Circus. Seinfeld is in fourth. I have to
confess that I've never seen the first or fourth place shows.
Humorous Novel:
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is running away with this
category. In fact, it's the only book that has received more
than one vote.
Comic Book:
This category has been dominated by "None" or blank responses.
No comic book has received more than one vote.
Humor Columnist:
Dave Barry is pulling away from P. J. O'Rourke, who remains in
second, just ahead of Dave Bealer. It's somewhat embarrassing
that I've received as many votes as Erma Bombeck and Lewis
Grizzard put together. I should mention that no brownie points
will be awarded for voting for me.
- - -
^LRandom Access Humor Page 25 May 1994
REMINDER: RAH is now being published 10 times per year. There will
be no July or August issues this year.
- - -
Dave Bealer will be offline during June and July in order to pursue a
non-RAH related writing project. It is also hoped that a vacation
from RAH will give him some fresh ideas and enthusiasm. The Puffin's
Nest will still be operating, but Dave makes no promises as far as
responding to mail quickly.
Manuscripts for RAH may still be submitted, but they will not be read
until August.
- - -
The deadline for submissions for the June 1994 issue is 05/25/94.
---------------------------------------------------------------------
--- Bumper Stickers Seen On The Information Superhighway
I do whatever my Rice Krispies tell me to do.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
I'm mad! This 386 doesn't spel any better than the XT.
To a cat: happiness is a warm laser printer.
Human being: automatic door opener for cats.
Assassins do it from behind.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
You're the computer, you tell ME where the file is!
I can fly! I can fly! I can...oh #$%&!
...and don't dangle your participles in public.
File MASTERPI.ECE not found: (A)bort, (Retry), (S)uicide?
Objects are just data structures with an attitude.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Puritanism: the haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
"No matter how cynical I get, I still can't keep up." - Lily Tomlin
No dolphins were killed to produce this message.
He who stick head in fruit drink get punch in nose.
I'm in a class by myself. Everyone else graduated.
^LRandom Access Humor Page 26 May 1994
Semper Fidelis: Always faithful. Semper Gumby: Always flexible.
Oops. My brain just hit another bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
Yeah, it's done. Can't you hear the smoke alarm?
To clone a felon, do I use the COPY CON command?
Shotgun wedding: a case of wife or death.
There will be a rain dance Friday, weather permitting.
Fanatic: can't change his mind, won't change the subject.
I like Barney...stuffed and mounted on my wall.
He who dies with the most toys is still dead.
Help! I've fallen down, and I kind of like it down here!
Cows ride the space shuttle - the herd shot round the world.
The computer revolution is over. They won.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
For sincere personal advice, page your sysop at 3 AM.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
I like your approach. Now, let's see your departure.
The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.
Well, MY broker is E.F. Hutton, and... MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS!
Better to understand little than to misunderstand a lot.
Situation normal: I don't know what I'm doing.
The first airplane hangar was built for drip-dry planes.
I just picked up a book called "Glue" and I can't put it down.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Stand back! I've got a mouse and I know how to use it!
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
It just doesn't get any Beta than this.
ZenCrafters: Total enlightenment, in about an hour.
^LRandom Access Humor Page A-1 May 1994
Random Access Humor Masthead:
Editor & Publisher: Dave Bealer
Associate Editor: Greg Borek
Contributing Editors: Ray Koziel, Vincent B. Navarino
Logo Design: Kelly Price
Contact: The Puffin's Nest BBS
FidoNet: 1:261/1129 (1200-14400/V.32bis)
BBS: (410) 437-3463 (1200-16800/HST)
Internet: dave.[email protected]
[email protected]
Regular Mail: (Only if you have no other way to reach us!)
Random Access Humor
c/o Dave Bealer
P.O. Box 595
Pasadena, MD. 21122 USA
>> Legal Junk <<
Random Access Humor (RAH) is published ten times a year (September -
June) by Dave Bealer as a disservice to the online community.
Although the publisher's BBS may be a part of one or more networks at
any time, RAH is not affiliated with any BBS network or online
service. RAH is a compilation of individual articles contributed by
their authors. The contribution of articles to this compilation does
not diminish the rights of the authors. The opinions expressed in
RAH are those of the authors and are not necessarily those of the
publisher.
This entire publication is a work of satire (except for these legal
bits here). If anyone takes offense to something published herein,
the fault (a lack of a sense of humor) lies with them and not with
the magazine. The editors and publisher will not be held responsible
for the use or misuse of any information contained in this magazine.
Random Access Humor is Copyright 1994 Dave Bealer. All Rights
Reserved. Duplication and/or distribution is permitted for non-
commercial purposes only. RAH may not be distributed on diskette or
in hardcopy form for a fee without express written permission from the
publisher. For any other use, contact the publisher.
RAH may only be distributed in unaltered form. Online systems whose
users cannot access the original binary archive file may offer it for
viewing or download in text format, provided the original text is not
modified. Readers may produce hard copies of RAH or backup copies on
diskette for their own personal use only. RAH may not be distributed
in combination with any other publication or product.
Many of the brands and products mentioned in RAH are trademarks of
their respective owners.
^LRandom Access Humor Page A-2 May 1994
>> Where to Get RAH <<
Copies of the current issue of RAH may be obtained by manual download
or Wazoo/EMSI File Request from The Puffin's Nest BBS (FREQ: RAH), or
from various sites in several BBS networks. Back issues of RAH may
be obtained by download or file request from The Puffin's Nest BBS.
Internet users may obtain RAH back issues as UUENCODED files attached
to e-mail. Free subscriptions are also available via mailing lists.
For more info, send an e-mail message to: [email protected]
The subject line and body can contain anything or be blank.
RAH is also available on the Internet via FTP:
etext.archive.umich.edu (192.131.22.7) dir: /pub/Zines/RAH
(ASCII Text edition compressed with gzip)
ftp.clark.net (198.17.243.2) dir: /ftp/pub/rah
(ASCII Text edition uncompressed - RAHyymm.TXT)
(ASCII Text edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymm.ZIP)
(READROOM.TOC edition compressed with ZIP - RAHyymmR.ZIP)
>> Writing For RAH <<
Article contributions to RAH are always welcome. All submissions
must be made electronically. File attach your article to a netmail
message to Dave Bealer at 1:261/1129. E-mail (with file attaches)
may also be sent via Internet to: dave.[email protected]
Tagline and filler submissions may be made via e-mail. Article
submissions should be made via file. Submitted files must be plain
ASCII text files in normal MS-DOS file format: artname.RAH; where
artname is a descriptive file name and RAH is the mandatory
extension. If your article does not conform to these simple specs,
it may get lost or trashed. Also note that such imaginative names as
RAH.RAH might get overlaid by the blatherings of similarly minded
contributors. If your hardware is incapable of producing file names
in the proper format, you may send your article as one or more e-mail
messages. As the volume of mail increases it may not be possible to
make personalized responses to all submissions or correspondence
received.
The editors reserve the right to publish or not to publish any
submission as/when they see fit. The editors also reserve the right
to "edit", or modify any submission prior to publication. This last
right will rarely be used, typically only to correct spelling or
grammar misteaks that are not funny. RAH is a PG rated publication,
so keep it (mostly) clean.
RAH can accept only the following types of material for publication:
1) Any material in the public domain.
2) Material for which you own the copyright, or represent the copy-
right holder. If you wrote it yourself, you are automatically the
copyright holder.
^LRandom Access Humor Page A-3 May 1994
In writing jargon, RAH is deemed to be given "One Time Rights" to
anything submitted for publication unless otherwise noted in the
message accompanying the contribution. You still own the material,
and RAH will make no use of the material other than publishing it
electronically in the usual manner. Your article may be selected for
publication in a planned "Best of RAH" electronic book. If you want
your copyright notice to appear in your article, place it as desired
in the text you submit. Previously published articles may be
submitted, but proper acknowledgement must be included: periodical
name, date of previous publication.
RAH Distribution System:
(Sites bearing the <contrib> designation will accept your
contributions and forward them to the editors.)
(All these systems would be good places to find sysops with a sense
of humor...seemingly a rarity these days.)
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena, MD. Sysop: Dave Bealer
FidoNet> 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 16800 (HST/Dual)
<contrib>
Current RAH Issue (text format): FReq: RAH
Current RAH Issue (Readroom format): FReq: RAHR
Back Issues of RAH: (text) FReq: RAHyymm.ZIP
(RAH9209.ZIP for premiere issue)
Back Issues of RAH: (Readroom) FReq: RAHyymmR.ZIP
(RAH9302R.ZIP and later only)
Complete Writers Guidelines: FReq: RAHWRITE
Complete Distributor Info: FReq: RAHDIST
European Gateway:
Datanet BBS Voorschoten, Netherlands Sysop: Ed Bakker
FidoNet> 2:281/101 31-71-617784 14400 (V.32bis)
Digital-Net> 15:200/512 MomNet> 71:2000/2
RAH Official Distribution Sites:
-= AUSTRALIA =-
Northern Territory
Images Unlimited Darwin 3:850/110 61-89-41-1630 V.32bis
Victoria
The Flying Circus Highett 3:635/555 61-3-532-5224 V.32bis
-= BELGIUM =-
Proteus/2 Brussels 2:291/711 32-2-3752539 V.32bis
-= CANADA =-
Ontario
Typecast BBS Kingston 1:249/107 (613) 545-9148 V.32bis
The Next Level Scarborough 1:250/301 (416) 299-1164 Z19
Echo Valley Vanier 1:243/26 (613) 749-1016 HST
^LRandom Access Humor Page A-4 May 1994
-= FRANCE =-
The Data Zone Versailles 2:320/218 33-1-39633662 V.32bis
-= GERMANY =-
The Harddisk Cafe Nidderau 2:244/1682 49-6187-21739 Z19
-= ICELAND =-
The Vision BBS Keflavik 2:391/20 354-2-14626 V.32bis
-= ITALY =-
Temple of Knowledge Rome (NoFido) 39-6-546880 Z19
-= NETHERLANDS =-
BIB Aalten Aalten 2:283/401 31-54-3774203 V.32bis
BBS Sussudio Denhaag 2:281/517 31-70-3212177 HST/Dual
Midkemia BBS Denhaag (MomNet) 31-70-3361872 V.32bis
TouchDown Hoofddorp 2:280/401 31-2503-24677 HST/Dual
Bommel's BBS Schiedam 2:285/800 31-10-4700939 V.32bis
Pleasure BBS Utrecht 2:281/705 31-30-934123 V.32bis
Datanet BBS Voorschoten 2:281/101 31-71-617784 V.32bis
-= PORTUGAL =-
The Mail House II Loures 2:362/29 351-1-9890140 V.32bis
The MAD BBS V.N.Gaia 2:363/9 351-2-3706922 V.32
-= SAUDI ARABIA =-
MidEast Connection Riyadh (NoFido) 966-1-4410075 V.32bis
-= SLOVENIA =-
R.I.S.P. Ljubljana 2:380/103 38-61-199400 V.32bis
-= UNITED STATES =-
Alabama
J & J Online Chickasaw 1:3625/440 (205) 457-5901 V.32bis
Digital Publ. Assoc Birmingham (NoFido) (205) 854-1660 V.32bis
California
InfoMat BBS San Clemente (P&BNet) (714) 492-8727 HST/Dual
Automation Central San Jose 1:143/110 (408) 435-2886 V.32bis
The Software Station Saugus 1:102/1106 (805) 296-9056 V.32
Marin County Net Sausalito 1:125/55 (415) 331-6241 HST/Dual
Connecticut
ModemNews Express Stamford (P&BNet) (203) 359-2299 V.32bis
Florida
Ruby's Joint Coconut Grove 1:135/373 (305) 856-4897 V.32bis
The Software Cuisine Miami 1:135/57 (305) 642-0754 V.32bis
Hawaii
Casa de la Chinchilla Honolulu (NoFido) (808) 845-1303 HST/Dual
^LRandom Access Humor Page A-5 May 1994
Idaho
Phantasia BBS Boise 1:347/25 (208) 939-2530 V.32bis
Illinois
The Crossroads BBS Chicago 1:115/743 (312) 587-8756 HST/Dual
The Loonatic Fringe Elk Grove 1:115/542 (708) 290-8877 V.32
Indiana
Digicom Evansville 1:2310/200 (812) 479-1310 HST/Dual
Maryland
Wit-Tech Baltimore 1:261/1082 (410) 256-0170 V.32bis
Outside the Wall Baltimore 1:261/1093 (410) 665-1855 V.32
The File Exchange Cockeysville 1:2617/104 (410) 628-7243 HST/Dual
Pooh's Corner Fells Point 1:261/1131 (410) 327-9263 V.32bis
Cybersystems Frederick 1:109/713 (301) 662-8948 V.32bis
Robin's Nest Glen Burnie (P&BNet) (410) 766-9756 V.32
The Puffin's Nest Pasadena 1:261/1129 (410) 437-3463 HST/Dual
Michigan
Didi's Place Dearborn Heights 1:2410/120 (313) 563-8940 V.32bis
Mississippi
Ranch & Cattle South Columbus (NoFido) (601) 328-6486 V.32bis
Missouri
Abiogenesis Kansas City 1:280/310 (816) 734-4732 V.32bis
New Mexico
High Mesa Publishing Los Lunas 1:317/100 (505) 865-8385 V.32
Paula's House of Mail Los Lunas 1:317/317 (505) 865-4082 V.32bis
New York
The Shop Mail Only Flushing 1:2603/203 (mail only) V.32bis
The Wall-2 Middle Village 1:278/612 (718) 335-8784 HST/Dual
Particle Board 3 Monroe 1:272/60 (914) 783-2455 V.32
ASB Ronkonkoma (NoFido) (516) 471-8625 V.32bis
Dome Ideas BBS Yonkers 1:272/104 (914) 968-2205 HST
Oklahoma
H*A*L Muskogee 1:3813/304 (918) 682-7337 V.32bis
Oregon
Bitter Butter Better Tigard 1:105/290 (503) 620-0307 V.32
Pennsylvania
Writer's Biz Greenville 1:2601/522 (412) 588-7863 V.32bis
Cyberdrome Philadelphia 1:273/937 (215) 923-8026 V.32bis
Milliways Pittsburgh 1:129/179 (412) 766-1086 HST/Dual
Texas
Sunlight Thru Shadows Addison (P&BNet) (214) 620-8793 V.32bis
Incredible BBS Burleson 1:130/82 (817) 447-2598 HST/Dual
^LRandom Access Humor Page A-6 May 1994
Utah
Vital Signs Midvale 1:311/20 (801) 255-8909 V.32bis
Virginia
Pen & Brush Burke (P&BNet) (703) 644-5196 V.32bis
Data Empire Fredericksburg 1:274/31 (703) 785-0422 V.32bis
Flying Dutchman Newport News 1:271/237 (804) 595-9383 V.32bis
The Time Machine Newport News 1:271/236 (804) 599-6401 HST/Dual
Washington
Spokane Online Spokane 1:346/20 (509) 327-8540 V.32bis
Dragon's Cave Tacoma 1:138/198 (206) 752-4160 V.32bis
West Virginia
Blue Powder BBS St. Albans (NoFido) (304) 727-6733 V.32bis
Wisconsin
The First Step BBS Green Bay 1:139/540 (414) 499-6646 V.32bis
=====================================================================
Although not official RAH distributors, the following large
commercial systems carry RAH. (Uploaded by the editor himself.)
Channel 1 Cambridge, MA. (617) 354-8873 (Readroom)
EXEC-PC Elm Grove, WI. (414) 789-4210 (Readroom)
SPACE Menlo Park, CA. (415) 323-4193
Software Creations Clinton, MA. (508) 368-4137
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