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Jokes of the day #3 (more to come)...
From: MX%"[email protected].edu" 29-JUN-1992 06:28:12.06
To: COMPTEC91006
CC:
Subj: Today's_Jokes
To: [email protected]
X-Mailer: fastmail [version 2.3 PL11]
[Happy Monday. Send Jokes- jk]
From: [email protected] (Ed Evans - HBS/WSHB Sr Station Mgr)
BMW has decided this week to build a new auto plant in South
Carolina. The new "400" series model is scheduled to come off the assembly
line in 1994.
Here is a list of the top ten options for this new SC BMW.
10. Fuzzy Dice
9. Gun rack in back window
8. Mag wheels & mud flaps
7. Confederate flag on antenna post
6. Chaw tobacco holder in place of cigarette lighter
5. Warning system shouts " Hey Buddy."
4. In-dash comouter with maps to all BBQ restaurants
within 200 miles
3. No radio or CD - just built-in continuous Garth Brooks tunes
2. Driver's side beef jerky bag
1. Horn toots "Achy Breaky Heart"
*_____________________________________________________________________________*
|_____________________________________________________________________________|
From: [email protected]
Subject: Just like a Baby
A guy runs into this girl at a bar. After a few drinks and a little
dancing, they decide that they're going to end up spending the night
together. In the car on the way back to his house, she looks at him
guiltily and says, "I have a confession to make." "This bra that I'm
wearing," she continues, "well, its padded." He quickly responds, "thats
ok, it doesn't matter." "Its *really* padded," she adds. "I'm flat
as a baby," she explains, "there's, like, nothing there." "I guess
thats ok," he follows, "I have a confession to make as well." After
a moment he continues, "I'm, sorta, well, hung like a baby." She
ponders a moment and agrees that it really doesn't matter, and that
they're both going to have fun anyway.
When they arrive at his house, they go into the bedroom and begin
undressing. Sure enough, she removes her bra and she's so flat that you
can see her ribs. He smiles at her, takes his pants off, and the damn
thing hits the floor! "What!" she exclaims, "I thought that you said
you were hung like a baby!" "I am," he replied, "8 pounds, 24 inches!"
_______________________________________________________________________________
From: [email protected]
Subject: My Father's Wisdom
One day, when I was about eight years old, my father and I made a rare
trip into Chicago to see a basketball game. My father was a chemist
at Argonne National Labs and he worked nights, so we didn't get many
chances to spend time together.
During a break in the action we went to the bathroom. While we were
standing at the urinals, a man came into the bathroom, washed his
hands and came over to the urinal next to my father. After a few
moments my father said, "So, you're a chemist. Where do you work?"
The man looked a little startled at my father's prescience, but soon
they were chatting away about organic solvents.
As we left the bathroom I asked my father how he'd known that man was
a chemist.
"Simple," my father said. "A chemist always washes his hands *before*
he goes to the bathroom."
_______________________________________________________________________________
From: MCGARRAH%[email protected]
Subject: If the brain's a computer, what's the operating system?
"I just found out that the brain is like a computer. If that's true, then
there really aren't any stupid people. Just people running DOS."
_______________________________________________________________________________
From: 11srust@galluj (Scott A. Rust)
Subject: Kentucky Medical Terminology
[Similar to "Blonde Nurses Test", but different...]
Kentucky
Medical Terminology
Artery - The study of fine paintings
Barium - What you do when C.P.R. fails
Cesarean Section - A district in Rome
Colic - A sheep dog
Coma - A punctuation mark
Congenital - Friendly
Dilate - To live long
Fester - Quicker
G.I. Series - Baseball games between teams
of soldiers
Morbid - A higher offer
Nitrate - Lower than the day rate
Node - Was aware of
Outpatient - A person who has fainted
Post-Operative - A letter carrier
Protein - In favor of young people
Secretion - Hiding anything
Serology - Study of English knighthood
Tablet - A small table
Tumor - An extra pair
Urine - Opposite of you're out
Varicose veins - Veins which are very close together
Benign - What you are after you be eight
_______________________________________________________________________________
[Yeah, ok, I've heard this before, but its still funny]
From: [email protected] (Dennis Hank)
Subject: The Plan
In the beginning was The Plan
And then came The Assumptions
And The Assumptions were without Form
And The Plan was completely without Substance.
And the Darkness was upon the face of The Workers.
And they spoke amongst themselves, saying
"It is a Crock of Shit, and it stinketh".
And The Workers went unto their Supervisors and sayeth,
"It is a Pail of Dung and none may abide the odor thereof".
And The Supervisors went unto their Managers and sayeth unto them
"It is a Container of Excrement and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it".
And The Managers went unto their Directors and sayeth
"It is a Vessel of Fertilizer, and none may abide its strength".
And The Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,
"It contains that which aids Plant growth, and it is very strong".
And The Directors went unto the Vice Presidents and sayeth unto them
"It promotes growth and is very powerful".
And The Vice Presidents went unto the President and sayeth unto him,
"This New Plan will actively promote the growth and efficiency
of this Company, and these areas in particular".
And The President looked upon The Plan
and said that it was good, and The Plan became Policy.
And this is how "SHIT HAPPENS !".
_______________________________________________________________________________
From: [email protected] (Mike Gallenstein)
After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a
king-size hangover and asked his wife, "What the hell happened?"
"As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss," replied
replied the wife.
"Piss on him," answered the husband.
"You did," said the wife, "and he fired you."
"Well, fuck him, then." said the husband.
"I did, and you go back to work in the morning."
_______________________________________________________________________________
Yeah, well, when we were kids, me 'n' Joey used to have competitions
to see who could gross the other one out best. I would cough, and
choke, and gag, and spit a large sticky wad of phlegm onto the
table in front of us. He used to just laugh, say "Nice try" and
take out a straw...
_______________________________________________________________________________
If you rearrange the letters of:
"George Herbert Walker Bush"
you end up with:
"huge berserk rebel warthog"
_______________________________________________________________________________
Walt Disney is not dead-- He's in suspended animation.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Q: What do model trains and women's breasts have in common.
A: They were both originally made for kids, but Dad ends up playing with them.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Went to lunch with a friend today to a new chicken place. We asked how
they prepare their chickens.
The answer was, "We just tell them they're going to die."
_______________________________________________________________________________
Sign spotted by someone at an anti-abortion rally in Wichita, Kansas:
SUPPORT OUR UNBORN TROOPS
_______________________________________________________________________________
You're already separating paper and plastic, recycling bottles and taking
three-minute showers. But is there more you can do to protect the
environment? You bet!
1. At the supermarket, try to pay with large denomination bills
whenever possible. A twenty-dollar bill has the buying power of twenty
one-dollar bills, but uses only five percent of the forest resources.
2. Get in the habit of referring to every locale as "this fragile
ecosystem."
3. If you must own a large car, be sure to purchase one with tinted
glass. Cars equipped with tinted glass stay three percent cooler
during the summer, making it possible to turn the air conditioning
down to the "medium" setting.
4. If you see a spotted owl, don't kill it. The meat tastes terrible
anyway.
5. A single toilet flush consumes five to seven gallons of water, and
the solid waste adds to already overtaxed landfills. "Holding it in"
remains a simple and effective way to protect the environment.
6. Americans account for seven percent of the world's population, yet
consume 65% of the world's energy resources. Apply for Swiss citizenship.
7. The correct way to recycle a glass beverage container: remove label,
setting aside tiny label remnants for recycling; rinse bottle with
reclaimed "grey" water; separate glass into five categories: clear,
green, brown, long-neck and pony.
8. One fewer wash load per month for every American translates to an
annual savings of 12.3 billion gallons of water, 23 million kilowatts
of electricity, and 15 fewer tons of phosphates. Buy seven more pairs
of socks and underwear.
9. Stop all "Ten Ways to Save the Earth" lists at #9. Environmental
books and pamphlets consume more than 580 million trees every year and
account for more than half of the world's sanctimony.
_______________________________________________________________________________
[336]
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