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Many funny top 10 lists
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
? TOP10-8.ZIP: Collection Of Excellent Top Ten Lists Collected ?
? From The City2City Top Ten Conference. If Your Sysop Doesn't ?
? Carry The C2C Top Ten Conference, Whine Until He Gets It! :) ?
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
? Top Ten Conference Moderator: Richard Platel ?
? ?
? List Collector And Moderator Suck-Up: Sandy Illes ?
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
? Both Richard and Sandy can be reached at Access Media BBS ?
? (416-825-8653) or via Fidonet 1:259/314. ?
?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Contents:
Top Ten Essential Items Needed For A Party.
Top Ten Country/Cowboy Booze Tunes.
Top Ten More Country Drinkin' Songs.
Top Ten Ways To Tell If You're A REAL Programmer.
Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Been Hanging Around With The Wrong Crowd.
Top Ten Ways To Welcome Someone To TC2CTTC.
Top Ten Lines From "Married... With Children."
Top Ten Things About Georgia.
Top Ten Reasons Not To Be A (Blood) Relative Of Kenneth.
Top Ten Frivolous Uses For Blackmail Pictures Of Sandy.
Top Ten Anti-Mime Weapons.
Top Ten Other Things You Can Squirt Out Of Your Nose.
Top Ten Things That Bring Tears To James' Eyes.
Top Ten More Reasons For Not Being Related To Kenneth.
Top Ten Best Times To Go Visit England.
Top Ten Nose Squirtables.
Top Ten Things About Being A Moron.
Top Ten Things I Vaguely Remember About Gouddism.
Top Ten Nasty Food Additives Easily Traced In Fast Food.
Top Ten Book Proposals From Kenneth Being Rejected By Major
Publishers.
Top Ten Names I Considered Changing To.
Top Ten List Of Situations Where The Spirit Of Scientific
Investigation Can Cause Major Problems.
Top Ten Ways To Show Appreciation For A Co-Sysop.
Top Ten Beers We'll Soon See.
Top Ten More Beers Coming Soon To A Brewery Near You.
Top Ten Things To Say To Get Away With Murdering A Husband.
Top Ten Reasons To Kill Your Husband.
Top Ten People In Dire Need Of A Valium.
Top Ten Airport Hazards For Innocent Travellers.
Top Ten People Who've Already Had Too Much Valium.
Top Ten Types Of Customs Agents.
Top Ten Reasons To Separate Oprah, Geraldo And Phil From Life.
Top Ten Reasons Not To Kill Your Husband.
Top Ten Reasons I Got Into Law School.
Top Ten Conclusions I Reached While Watching Talk Shows.
Top Ten Reasons To Let Your Husband Live.
Top Ten Reasons I Won't Go To Law School.
Top Ten Things That Will Get You Strange Looks At Customs.
Top Ten Punch Lines For Jokes.
Top Ten Stupid Things You Can Find In A Twenty Year Old Issue Of
Penthouse.
Top Ten Other Things Kenneth Is Made Up Of.
Top Ten Ways To Tell You Need A Co-Sysop.
Top Ten Things You Won't Find In A Single Guy's Place.
Top Ten Most Common Things Found In A Single Guy's Place.
Top Ten Things Discretion Is The Better Part Of.
Top Ten Things I Want Put On My Gravestone.
Top Ten More Ways To Tell You Need A Co-Sysop.
Top Ten Reasons Kenneth Is Not An Advertising Copywriter.
******* TC2CTTCTTLOTW Winner
Top Ten Things I'd Advertise If I Was A Copywriter.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
From: KENNETH NEWMAN
TOP TEN ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL THINGS YOU MUST HAVE WITHOUT
FAIL IN ORDER TO TRANSFORM A MERE GATHERING OF ALCOHOLICS
INTO SOMETHING RESEMBLING A PARTY
10. Lime jello in prodigious quantities.
9. Debbie Boone's "You Light Up My Life": Enough copies so
that everybody gets at least one.
8. Kenneth Newman and a limitless supply of 21 year old
single malt whisky for him.
7. A Twister game.
6. A special Twister game for when Kenneth Newman plays
that only has one colour.
5. A jar of Malaysian Bucktoothed Earwigs. Don't ask.
4. A Mister Microphone.
3. A karaoke machine.
2. A pump-action 12 gauge shotgun capable of firing at
least 8 rounds without reloading for items 9 and 3 above.
1. Some bitchin' tunes (make it ska and dancehall and
maybe some skate/punk/thrash/death unless you want to
have an exciting conversation with #8 and #2 above), some
outrageous dudes and babes, clean washrooms, and a person
with a pasty white complexion dressed all in black with a
nose ring who thinks it's politically irresponsible to be
enjoying yourselves so much while there is all this
suffering going on in the world so you can have someone
to laugh at on those rare occasions when Kenneth Newman
manages to talk the lady of his choice into filling the
bathtub in one of the clean washrooms with lime jello and
playing Twister (should take about 22 1/2 minutes at a
rough guess).
From: JAMES ASHFORD
TOP TEN COUNTRY\COWBOY BOOZE TUNES:
10. I love her more than triple mash
9. Our love went flatter than 3 day old beer
8. First she stole my heart, then the keys to my liquor cabinet
7. She don't understand me or my 24 little friends
6. Jack Daniels creates the lovin' in our marriage
5. She got those purty lips by drinkin' straight from the bottle
4. Two steppin' to a moonshine glow
3. Put my shotgun down, I'll stop drinkin' again tomorrow, darlin'
2. 80 proof ain't proof enough for a man like me
1. She loves the way my neck goes red from drinkin'
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten More Country Drinkin' Songs:
10. I Drank So Much Whiskey That I Didn't Feel The Pain When My Dog Bit
Me.
9. The Lynchin's Over But I've Still Got Rope Burns On My Hands.
8. Put Your Sweet Lips A Little Closer To My Nose.
7. Love Is Like A Chicken Fry.
6. All I've Got Is This Pickup, A Bottle Of Whiskey, And The Ten
Million Dollars My Daddy Done Left Me.
5. My Achey Breaky Car.
4. I'd Start Cryin' Again If I Could Just Stop Now.
3. There's Another Man's Hair In My Razor.
2. She's A Tramp, But She's Got Too Much Money For Me To Leave Her.
1. I'm P-A-R-O-L-E-D As Of Today.
From: IAN SCHORR
Top Ten ways to tell if you are a REAL programmer:
10. To you, hacking is a GOOD thing.
9. Your favorite super hero is Random Access Man (RAM).
8. Your idol is Bill Gates.
7. Most of your time is spend writing programs that NO ONE in their
right mind could ever find a way to use.
6. You ENJOY spending countless hours looking at lines like "PUSH AZ".
5. At the mention of the words "parser routine" you begin to drool.
4. You spent $500 and two weeks on classes that teach you how to print
"Hi there!" on the screen.
3. In school, your History essays turn out like this one:
"10 Beginnings.of.Man = 1000000*BC
20 Learn.Human = Fire
30 For Human = ELECT to CROOKED POLITICIAN
40 Learn.Human = Nuclear.Weapon
50 Use.Human = nuclear.weapon
60 Goto 10"
2. U cn rd sntncs lk ths.
1. Your worst subject in school was math.
From: IAN SCHORR
Have any of you cat owners come home to find your cat has done something
particularly evil, like robbing a bank or other such felony? And then
thought to yourself, "why has Herbie gone bad? Is it peer pressure?"
If so, match up your cat's actions to the
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR CAT HAS HANGING AROUND WITH THE WRONG CROWD
10. One day, without your permission, he gets his ear pierced.
9. Not only is your credit card overcharged, mainly for "9-Lives", but
you doscover that the twenty dollars you lent it weren't REALLY
presents for a "sick friend".
8. You find attached to the refrigerator one day a note that reads:
"Leev a steak on the front poarch at midnite, or you'll never see
Spot agin.
-Sox"
7. Too many times a week does your cat come home after one in the
morning, totally sloshed and with the strong odor of catnip about
it.
6. You come home to catch it in the act of raiding your liquor
cabinet.
5. Your cat attempts to asassinate the predident.
4. Several hundred dollars' worth of phone calls appear on your phone
bill to "1-900-CAT-MEOW"
3. You find out that the lifetime's supply of cat food wasn't a
prize from "Kitten's Life" magazine, but that your cat has been
taking bribes from cat food testers.
2. After failing to get your attention with constant meows and by
rubbing up against your leg, your cat pulls out his Magnum-44 and
aims it at you, screaming demands about "Friskies" and catnip.
1. Your cat reminds you less and less of Garfield the cat, and more
and more like Bill the Cat
Now score your cat. How many did he/she match up?
1-2 You'd better keep an eye on your cat
3-4 It's time to review your cat's friends
5-6 Maybe a psychiatrist would be in order?
7-8 Maybe a vacation would do him/her some good.
9-10 Your cat is evil incarnate!!! Get out of the house while you still
can!!!!
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten Ways To Welcome Someone To TC2CTTC:
10. Welcome! Welcome! Welcome!
9. Teach your modem to applaud.
8. Shower them with money.
7. Have Scotty beam them up.
6. Write a Top Ten list about them.
5. Talk about them so they'll be afraid to stop reading TC2CTTC in case
there's a libel case brewing.
4. Do the wave with bad CRC headers.
3. With a pop quiz.
2. Call them long distance by voice (collect) for the official welcome.
1. Remind them of the fame and fortune that will inevitably come to
those who post the best Top Ten lists in TC2CTTC.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten Lines From Married... With Children:
10. Kelly: Heyyy!
9. Peggy: How would I know???
8. Al: Listen up, family!
7. Peggy: Men are such idiots, and I married their king!
6. Bud: I'm a street rapper named Grandmaster B.
5. Steve: That's my Mercedes!
4. Marcy: You know how wild women bankers can be.
3. Al: I'm a shoeman, born and bred!
2. Bud: I'm not a troll! I'm not! I'm not! I'm not!
1. Kelly: ... and then the stork comes and it's a baby!
From: JAMES ASHFORD
TOP TEN THINGS ABOUT GEORGIA:
10. It's real close to South Carolina
9. Home of the last half-way decent Democratic President
8. The Masters golf tournament. The ultimate in snobbery, but somehow
they pull it off without offending anyone
7. Marla Maples. If she's good enough for The Donald, she's good
enough for.....Kenneth Newman
6. You've got to love a state that has a city that has something like
100+ streets named "peach somethingorother"
5. Home of Ian Schorr, the latest lurker to come out of the weeds and
join the CTCTT conference, but unlike most lurkers who just dab
their toe in the water first, this guy risked life and limb and did
a triple spinning back flip in the pike position, obvious blind to
the punishment coming his way.
4. Love those southern belle waitresses. "Hi, how y'all doin'? Kin I
git you anything sugar?" Yum, yum
3. Athens; is there a factory there or something that keeps pumping out
all those groups? Did every person of child bearing years 20 - 30
years ago take steroids?
2. Michael Bolton just HAD to do a remake of the classic 'Georgia',
which is good because it gives me 1 more reason to hate him, as if
anybody needed 1 more reason
1. Manon Rheume plays hockey there. Pretty soon she'll be speaking
broken English with a Georgia-French accent. Does it get any better
than that?
From: JAN PERKINS
TOP TEN REASONS FOR NOT BEING A (BLOOD) RELATION OF
KENNETH NEWMAN
10. You don't wake up covered in lime jello.
9. You can pretend you don't know him in bars as there's no
physical resemblance.
8. That way it's not CENSORED
*** The remainder of this list has been deleted by commando
action of the SPCKN, Thunder Bay branch ****
From: JAN PERKINS
TOP TEN FRIVOLOUS USES FOR BLACKMAIL PICTURES OF SANDY ILLES
AT THE LADIES' TEQUILLA DRINKING CONTEST
10. To mail annually to Sandy on her birthday, accompanied by a
bottle of tequilla and free extra worm.
9. For "Participaction" healthy lifestyle adverts on public
tv.
8. As background shots in videos of slam-dancing punks to
help create the correct atmosphere.
7. As shots in travel brochures aimed at enticing canadians
to southern climates where booze is cheap.
6. In advertisements for "What Mr. Clean can do for you".
5. As part of a tequilla promotional series done as a
companion to the "You've come a long way baby" Virginia
Slims line.
4. As practical illustrations for high school health classes
to demonstrate the power of the smooth muscles of the
gullet.
5. Along with shots of Jan Perkins coyly modelling umbrellas.
4. With Irish Spring soap ads sharing the slogan "Manly yes,
but I like it too, hic."
3. In advertisements for hip waders.
2. To put on a billboard just over the border from the States
on the way to Thunder Bay with the slogan "Drinking lots
of tequilla and indulging in projectile vomiting is
illegal in Thunder Bay". (Okay I know this is only going
to be appreciated by the local crowd, but I couldn't
resist)
1. GIFS for the really, really sick inhabitants of
compu-spew.
From: JAN PERKINS
RP> Saw your picture with this article in the local paper, how'd
you get your hair to do that?
I felt a "bad hair" day coming on so I took a can of Spam and put
it in the blender with a half of tequilla, a few extra worms and
some raspberry jello. I put the resulting conditioner on my hair.
Unfortunately the whole mime thing blew up before I had a chance
to rinse it out.
TOP TEN ANTI-MIME WEAPONS
10. A 203 grenade launcher with the special "party pack" of
explosives, fleshettes, incendiary, tear gas, and special
neutron bomb combo.
9. A steam roller.
8. Old Arnie the terminator before he learned that knee-capping
was better than out and out destruction.
7. Two tons of water dropped from a forest-fire fighting water
bomber that has been flying at a high enough altitude to
freeze the water solid.
6. Another mime - fired from a circa 1812 cannon.
5. Guido, the uncle from the good and bad dating list, with a
few of his friends in the cement business.
4. Some really good thrash metal and the mosh pit that goes
with it.
3. A very friendly large dog who just *loves* the taste of
whiteface make-up.
2. A pit bull with an attitude combined with the "meat dress"
of a not too long ago art show.
1. Anything blunt and heavy.
From: CAREY SHIBATA
Top ten other things that can squirt out of your nose:
10. soda
9. fish taco
8. hydrochloric acid from your stomach
7. the chunks of stuff at the bottom of Snapple
6. almond M&Ms
5. cottage cheese
4. peanut butter & jelly
3. jello
2. Cybil Shepard
1. SPAM!
Todd Miller, sysop & lurker, helped out on this one. but I came
up with the really good ones that you all are gonna comment on.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten Things That Bring Tears To James' Eyes:
10. Country songs.
9. Onions.
8. A kick to his groin.
7. A bullet in his foot.
6. The winning lottery numbers when he forgot to buy a ticket.
5. SPAMburgers.
4. The jello in his underwear that causes his modem to short circuit
and send 15 zillion volts of electricity up his patootie.
3. Barbers who accidentally cut off minor body parts (ears, nose, etc.)
when all he wanted was a trim.
2. The Cabbage Patch (tm) Minor Brain Surgery Kit because it brings
back such fond - though slightly vague - memories.
1. Elvis impersonators who arrive onstage in a coffin.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten More Reasons For Not Being Related To Kenneth Newman:
10. Don't have to listen to stories about Cybill Sheppard.
9. Someone else has to pay for the prefrontal lobotomy he'll be needing
any day now.
8. Won't have nightmares about the times you woke up covered in lime
Jello.
7. I tried and tried, but just couldn't come up with a number seven.
6. Won't have to scour the tabloids looking for news about Cybill
Sheppard.
5. Won't have to worry when modem fever takes over what's left of
Kenneth's mind.
4. Won't be blamed when he accidentally erases all of his QWK packets.
3. No need to listen to all those "When I was your age stories" when he
forgets that was only last year.
2. Low bills for lettuce and Jello.
1. No need to keep coming up with Top Ten Retorts to amuse him in his
hour of need.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten Best Times To Go Visit England:
10. The day after "Blood Pudding Day."
9. The day after the "Annual Haggis And Assorted Innards Festival."
8. A week after the general strikes are over. (Hard to plan, but it can
be done)
7. The day before "Half Price Lager & Lime Day."
6. Anytime you're sick of central heating.
5. Anytime you feel an urge for a week or so of rain.
4. The day after the "Baby Cham Throwing Up Finals."
3. The day after "Let's Blow Up A Major Tourist Attraction Day." (An
IRA national holiday)
2. The day before the "Beer, Beer, Beer And More Beer Festival."
1. Anytime you feel curious about what it's like to drive on the wrong
side of the road.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten Nose Squirtables:
10. Yogurt - tastes the same coming out as it does going in.
9. Orange juice with lots of seeds in it - "Look at what came out of my
nose Ma! Is it part of my brain? Is it? Huh? Is it?"
8. Campbell's Chunky Soup - no explanation required.
7. Boiled cabbage - works great to disgust queasy friends and
relatives.
6. Lime Jello - a Kenneth Newman favorite. "Oh look! My bile juices are
overflowing!"
5. Raspberry Jello - a Jan Perkins favorite. "Hey, I'm bleeding!"
(Heh!)
4. Coca Cola - "I'm a robot and my hydraulic fluid is leaking out!"
3. 7 UP - "Hey look! My nose is raining!"
2. Potato chips - "The pain, the pain!"
1. A 16.8 D/S - The only thing we'd all like to have squirt out of our
noses.
From: JAMES ASHFORD
This should be included in the conference guidelines! However, we all
know the only requirement: the intellect level of the writer should
hover somewhere around the basic moronic level, a few points either
above or below the line is fine.
TOP TEN THINGS ABOUT BEING A MORON
10. You've got an excellent chance of winning C2CTTC weekly\monthly
award. Hell, if you're moronic enough, the yearly prize is in the
bag
9. You've got an excuse if you get a really bad haircut
8. people keep a respectful distance because they're not really sure if
you're a real moron or if you're just plain nuts with the ability to
snap at any second
7. you live in a la la type world because you actually believe
everything the politicians shove down your throat
6. people praise you for doing the most menial things
5. you always have things to talk about because new things are always
happening to you ("like, so I saw that the stove was glowing bright
red, ya know, and I just had to touch it")
4. you put supreme importance to non-events like groundhog day
3. no matter how much of a moron you are, if you're really good
looking, or if you have a lot of money, the women still fight over
you. They justify it by calling you 'sensitive', 'different', or
that all time favourite 'eccentric'
2. it takes you 10 seconds to get dressed in the morning because
colour-co-ordination is for those egg head people
1. you know you're a moron when you go to a foreign country where
they drive on the left side of the road, and you barely escape death
every day because you always look the wrong way when you cross the
street. A person with a half ounce of brain would figure it out the
first time, but not the moron, he goes for the whole 2 week stretch
thinking the traffic is clear. (oops, I might be getting a little
too personal here)
From: KENNETH NEWMAN
TOP TEN THINGS i VAGUELY REMEMBER ABOUT GOUDDISM
10. Only some Gouddists have the seed within us. Others
are the plain variety.
9. "Yo, bro, let's get smoked with some fine herb!"
8. _If you meet the Goudda on the road, chill him_ by
"Monterey Jack" Kerouac.
7. Head cheese does not bring enlightenment.
6. Do not listen to Rush Limburger for he stinks.
5. Romano is found in a Bel Paese!
4. We loved to get creamed and watch The Muensters.
3. The Zen of Goudda is to be on the longhorn of a
dilemma.
2. Jarlsberg and Emmenthaler are holey but Swiss is the
most holey of them all.
1. When everyone on earth has become a Gouddist, then our
space brothers will come to join us. They will land and
walk up to us and say, "Take us to your liederkranz!"
From: KENNETH NEWMAN
TOP TEN NASTY FOOD ADDITIVES EASILY TRACED IN FAST FOOD
10. Cockroach eyelashes
9. Ocelot snot
8. Michael Szeller's pocket lint
7. Wolverine sleep gunk
6. Buzzard ear wax
5. John Travolta
4. Shoes and ships and sealing wax and cabbages and kings
3. Lizard reflux
2. Pearl Jam toe jam
1. John Agar-agar
From: KENNETH NEWMAN
TOP TEN BOOK PROPOSALS FROM KENNETH NEWMAN CURRENTLY
BEING OR SOON TO BE REJECTED BY MAJOR NEW YORK PUBLISHERS
WHO THINK THAT THEY'RE SITTING ON A HOLE IN THE GROUND
AND THAT SHINOLA WOULD MAKE A GREAT SANDWICH SPREAD IF IT
DIDN'T MAKE YOUR BREATH SMELL SO BAD
10. DOS For Pathetic Morons Who Smell Bad - An OS primer
for people who find the DOS For Dummies books too
intimidating and also have some personal problems.
9. Me `n' Cyb: The Early Years - a one-step ahead of the
lawyers funfilled romp with Kenneth Newman and Cybil
Shepherd from her first beginnings on the jello farms of
Brazil to the time he lost her to Peter Bogdonavich in a
poker game.
8. Fetid Fangs of Fascism - A history of dental hygiene
in Germany from 1933 to 1945.
7. Trains, War Weapons, The Big Band Sound and Marilyn
Monroe - A 40 pound book measuring 2'6'' x 3', for middle
aged men with lots of money and leisure and very little
libido left.
6. Job Interview with a Vampire - A novel in which Vlad
the Impaler tries to convince the Ontario Human Rights
Commission that the uncontrollable desire for fresh
virgin's blood *is* a disability.
5. Stupid Cray Tricks - How to optimise the memory
configuration on your campus's supercomputer so that it
can open Windows 3.1 in less that 45 seconds.
4. Men Who Are Swine And the Women Who Are Married to
Them or Want to Be And Spend All Their Time Reading Pop
Psychology Books About Why Sometimes it Seems Like The
Best Thing You Could Do With Men is Take Them Out and
Shoot The Whole Lot of Them - by Cybil Newman, PhD.
3. Newman's Baedeker '94 - Let's Go Etobicoke!
2. The Kama Suture - Intimate ties that can bind you to
the one you love! Lavishly illustrated with gratuitous
photos of obvious models in awkward stages of undress
revealing improbable tan lines.
1. David Letterman's Book of Top Ten Lists that David
Letterman Never Wrote, David Letterman Never Read and
David Letterman Never Had Anything to Do With Other Than
Creaming 40% Off The Top of Gross Royalties!!!
Reject All Ten Now and Receive this Special Bonus Book
Proposal: The Peckerhead Principle - in which noted
business author, seminar giver and all around schmoozer,
Kenneth Newman forcefully argues his bold new theory that
99% of North America's economic problems stem from the
fact that 99% of the people in charge are a bunch of
numb-nutz with cottage cheese instead of brains.
Do Nothing! The book proposals will be automatically sent
to your home or business for approval. No health
questions will be asked. No salesman will come to your
house. Remember, you are under no obligation at all,
unless you want Kenneth Newman to starve to death on the
street like a rat.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten Names I Considered Changing To:
10. Hershey. But that incident with the Hershey's face sort of screwed
that one up for me.
9. Rockefeller. But it seemed to be too obviously the name of a social
climber.
8. Smith. But then everyone would assume it's an alias.
7. Jones. Same as Smith.
6. Limburger. But then people would just make silly jokes about
"Limburger Helper."
5. Presley. But there are already too many people trying to cash in on
that name.
4. Grey. But then people would say things like, "That's not a very
colorful name."
3. Furter (as in Dr. Frank N. Furter). But they'd probably still make
me pay admission to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
2. Spock. But people would assume that I'm smart, and I'd have a hard
time trying to live up to such a standard.
1. McCoy. But once I got tired of saying "He's dead, Jim!," I wouldn't
know what else to do with it.
From: JAN PERKINS
Top Ten List of Situations where the Spirit of Scientific
Investigation (or pig-headed curiousity) can cause Major
Problems.
10. You wonder why they tell you to let the expresso maker cool
before dismantling to clean.
9. You really want to know just how cold that swirly blue
liquid that cools wine in a few seconds is.
8. After the experience referred to by James in #5 above, you
look up classification of burns in a medical text and
decide to test your burn. When you regain consciousness,
you realise that not only is sensation intact, but you now
have a head injury.
7. Your Chemistry classmate told you that sulpuric acid stains
skin yellow. You find a bottle of conc. sulfuric and decide
to test this scientifically.
6. You wonder what will happen if you knock that little
rocking thing on top of the pressure cooker off.
5. The person in your Chemistry class also tells you ammonia
clears your sinuses. Suffering from allergies, you decide
to do an n of 1 study on the subject. You wake up in emerg.
with your head wound being stitched.
4. During a timed test to see whether paring carrots away or
towards your body is more efficient, you cut the back of
your finger quite badly. Your previous perusal of the
medical book during the head injury hospitalisation taught
you how to test for cut tendons. Unfortunately you don't
sit down first, and faint when the test gives you a "funny"
feeling. When you regain consciousness ...
3. Having seen an eccentric relative do a rough test of AA
batteries by placing the battery between tongue and wet
finger tip you try a similar test. It's a pity the only
battery you can find is a 6 volt one ...
2. You read that rolling naked in the dew in an open field on
may day cures all minor skin ailments. One paper boy, two
joggers and a phalanx of power walkers are unaware of this
quaint old custom and your dawn outing puts you in court.
1. You wonder if your swallowing muscles are strong enough to
let you drink coke from a straw while standing on your head.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten Ways To Show Appreciation For A Co-Sysop:
10. A lifetime supply of SPAM.
9. Lettuce and Jello.
8. Free trip to a British hospital.
7. All-expenses-paid trip to the bathroom.
6. Send a funny card that says:
"You're really such a jerk,
But I like to see you work!"
5. Give him something from Michael Szeller's pockets.
4. Pack him/her a lunch.
3. Tell him/her that they're not related to Kenneth Newman.
2. Let him/her carry Jan Perkins' bag on that trip to England.
1. Money... lots and lots and lots of money!
From: DREW HASSELBACK
"Ice Beer" proves that Canadian breweries can put the same stuff in old
bottles and sell it as new beer.
Here are the Top 10 Beers we'll soon see:
10. Labatt's Dry Ice Beer. Clever ad campaign fogs consumers' judgement.
9. Miller Genuine Draft. Perfumed so the anal emissions associated with regular
draught don't smell so bad.
8. Molson Diet Beer with #asperthaime.
7. Bud @Sudz. Tasty beverage and Shampoo rolled into one!
6. @Clayoquot Logger. Oh, that clear-cutting taste.
5. Labatt's Homo Beer. Could nail 10% of the market.
4. Colt .222. Cures your hangover before you get drunk.
3. Sweat Beer. "We don't have to explain it, do we?"
2. Neapolitan Beer. Use this 3-coloured brew to make beer B-52s!
1. Snapple Ale.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten More Beers Coming Soon To A Brewery Near You:
10. Molson Exlax Beer. Drink it regularly to be regular.
9. Labatt Blue Suede Shoes Beer. Features a picture of Elvis.
8. Labatt So-Dry-You-Have-To-Add-Water. Dehydrated beer.
7. Schlitz-On-A-Stick. No description necessary.
6. Bud Lite-and-Fluffy. It's moist, it's wet, it's done when you can
stick a toothpick in the middle of it.
5. Molson Canadian Eh? The can talks, but all it says is "Eh?"
4. Labatt Dry Ice Beer. Makes your tongue smoke.
3. Labatt Genuine Draft Cold-Filtered Almost-Pure-Enough-To-Drink Beer.
2. Carlsberg International Beer. Tastes like it could have come from
any country except your own.
1. Heinie-kin Bud Lite. Yes, it's the Bundy's own beer, freshly brewed
by Bud while looking at girl's heinies.
From: KENNETH NEWMAN
TOP TEN THINGS YOU COULD PROBABLY SAY TO THE JUDGE IN
COURT TO GET YOU OFF AFTER YOU'VE BEEN ARRESTED STANDING
OVER THE FRESH WARM CORPSE OF YOU HUSBAND WHILE HOLDING A
SMOKING GUN IN ONE HAND AND A GLASS OF CHILLED 1971 DOM
PERIGNON CHAMPAGNE IN THE OTHER
10. I had PMS.
9. In US: He was a communist.
8. In Ontario: He wasn't a communist.
7. I just didn't feel good and he made a crack about
cellulite.
6. Ramtha told me to.
5. He secretly lusts after "Blossom" star Mayam Bialik.
4. He denigrated my macrame.
3. He ate a plate of cabbage rolls, baked beans and
pickled eggs washed down with draft beer and I felt my
life was in danger.
2. He had an affair with Barbara McDougal.
1. He smokes cigars.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten Reasons To Kill Your Husband:
10. Oprah did a show on cheating husbands and now you suspect that he's
up to hanky panky with his secretary.
9. Geraldo did a show on "Husband Who Hate Their Wives" so you have to
strike him before he strikes you.
8. Donahue did a show on "Husbands Who Cheat With Other Men" and now
your husband disgusts you.
7. Your neighbour's dog told you to kill your husband.
6. Your backyard soil needs nourishment and his body can provide it.
5. He'll be more useful dead than alive.
4. You could really, really, really use the insurance money.
3. There is no number three. (Do not read beyond the word three...
caught you!)
2. Bored Housewife's Syndrome.
1. Possibility exists of getting another husband who doesn't make
embarrassing sounds with his armpits.
From: MICHAEL SZELLER
TOP TEN PEOPLE IN DIRE NEED OF A VALIUM!
10. Rush Limbaugh
9. Beth from "The 20 Minute Workout"
8. Most Aerobics instructors
7. Preston Manning
6. Lianna Quigley ("B" Movie Scream Queen)
5. There is no #5
4. Preston Manning (He need 2 valiums)
3. Richard Simmons (Sweating to the Oldies)
2. Robin Leach
1. Tony Little
From: JAN PERKINS
Top Ten Airport Hazards for Innocent Travellers
10. They are always renovating the airport "to serve you
better", but you never seem to hit one that's been done.
9. There are no porters and the only available carts are miles
from where you need them, plus require some obscure
combination of foreign bills and change to release them.
8. Somebody will always hit on you, show you gruesome pictures
and ask for donations for the suffering children of country
X. When you say you will gladly specify on your next
donation to Red Cross that it go for relief in country X
they spit in your eye.
7. When travelling through a tight security, jittery, prone to
thievery airport (say Heathrow during an IRA christmas
campaign), your co-traveller promises to stay by the luggage
while you make a pit stop. You return to find she has
drifted off to look at some enchanting bit of duty free and
what little luggage that is left is being sniffed by big
dogs accompanied by men in berets.
6. When you lose your notebook power supply on a trip, the same
person runs the battery down to where it won't boot. You are
the person carrying the computer through security at another
fun airport (say Frankfurt) when you and Hans (who looks and
acts like he could have nabbed the lead baddie part in any
of the Allied WWII propaganda films) discover this.
5. Airport food.
4. Airport food prices.
3. A person ahead of you in the security line-up does a great
machine gun impersonation. You think it's hysterical until
he acts shocked and fingers you as the culprit.
2. The sinking feeling as your baggage vanishes down the
conveyor belt for connecting flights just as you hear
somebody say that she's lost hers that way the last three
times she's travelled.
1. Canadian customs. No I don't mean quaint folk traditions, or
on second thought maybe I do. You know where you are dumped
in a huge line in a huge hall of many, many unoccupied
places for customs agents and two occupied. And no you don't
get the guy with the cute tush who would probably blush when
he opens your suitcase, you get the customs agent from hell.
"No of course there's no line for streamlining entry of
landed immigrants and citizens - whaddya think being a
citizen gives you any right to anything? Hah think again -
you don't even have a right to a passport, you can't renew
yours if you have one, you have to re-apply each time and get
some person known for high ethical standards like a lawyer,
doctor or chiropractor vouch for you, and if they haven't
known you long enough you're outta luck (unless you bribe
the lawyer). And then we'll only give you one if we feel
like it that day . And now what's this - you have an unused
vitamin pill caught up in a used snot rag in your pocket.
Well we're getting you on undeclared drugs on this one, and
let me tell you we're analysing the stuff on that snot rag
and if we find it isn't yours then we get you on the
biological weapon importation. Now you just make yourself
comfortable for the three days the analysis will take and no
you can't go to the can. And how do I, a wimp of a customs
agent with jello where my spine should be and spam for
brains know you'll just shut up and take it - hah your
passport's proof enough!"
Gasp, snorffle, sorry there - bad memories came back and
I let things get out of hand. But seriously haven't you
ever met a customs agent who reminded you of that?
From: TIM GROULX
Top Ten People Who've Already Had Too Much Valium:
10.the Pope;
9. any Canadian Senator,
8. Jan Perkin's favourite Canada Customs Inspector,
7. my old high school History teacher, (knew Cesear Augustus
personally),
6. the Dahli Llama,
5. there is no number 5,
4. Perry Como,
3. my neighbour's dog, `Brutus' (named by Cesear Augustus),
2. any other Canadian Senator,
1. left open for Carey Shibata's favourite add-in.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten Types Of Customs Agents:
10. The newcomer who wants to examine all your luggage and believes that
your shampoo bottle contains illicit drugs.
9. The experienced customs agent who flunked the customer service part
of the course. "Just open it NOW! I don't care if your underwear is
dirty... we'll let the people in line behind you be the judge of
that!"
8. The nosey agent. He doesn't much care what contraband you might
have - he's only interested in that black teddy you wore during the
first night in the hotel.
7. The customs agent who used to be on the K9 corps. He can smell
alcohol and cigarettes at 50 paces and is confident that you're a
smuggler, regardless of the fact that you've declared these goods.
6. The bored teenager. This is the best customs agent you can find. He
won't bother you unless you wear a sign saying "I Am A Smuggler."
5. The talkative agent. He asks you what the weather was like, how much
your vacation cost, and a ton of other irrelevant questions before
he gets to the part about "Do you have anything to declare?"
4. The ambitious customs agent. This is the one that everyone dreads
because he measures his own worth based on how many smugglers he can
turn in. He looks in every bag, opens every box, smells every
bottle, and gives you a look that says "I'll get you NEXT time."
3. The paranoid agent. Even though he has certain qualities in common
with the ambitious agent, he's more frightening to innocent
travellers. He truly believes that you are guilty of something,
although he could find no contraband, and takes it out on the next
person in line.
2. The political customs agent. He wants to discuss politics with you,
and you're afraid not to agree with him. This guy wishes he could
have gotten into the Secret Service and is mentally taking the
names of people who he believes are a danger to the country.
1. The aggressive customs agent. He is unable to speak in a voice less
than 150 decibels and doesn't know the meaning of the words "please"
and "thank you." He'd much rather be a cop out shooting criminals
than wasting his time looking through your pathetic luggage.
From: KENNETH NEWMAN
TOP TEN REASONS TO SEPARATE OPRAH, GERALDO AND DONAHUE
FROM THIS VALE OF TEARS, THIS MORTAL COIL CALLED LIFE
10. You'd get to appear on Jenny Jones, Sonia Live and
maybe even Rush Limbaugh.
9. There's a chance that Tom Snyder might come out of
retirement just to interview you in jail and you could do
what everyone was secretly hoping Charles Manson would do
but was too crazy to manage.
8. They deserve it.
7. Joan Rivers might take a hint and become scarce.
6. It's cheaper in the long run than constantly giving
them Valiums.
5. Bette Midler and Liza Minelli would be eternally
grateful for you doing in Geraldo (and what kind of
dweebo would brag about sleeping with the great big BM,
anyway?)
4. Now that Stedman Graham is gonna be married to one of
the richest, soon-to-be-deceased women on earth he'd
probably be more than willing to share some of the estate
and insurance money.
3. Celebrity Assassinations are trendily post-modern and
hip and you'll get your fifteen minutes of fame.
Actually, more like forty-five minutes if you count each
one separately.
2. You could probably get off by claiming that you are a
victim of Serial Celebrity Assassination Syndrome and in
need of compassion and understanding. And appear on a
talk show devoted to the phenomenon.
1. It's either them or husby-poo and when was the last
time Oprah, Geraldo or Donahue took out the garbage at
your house?
From: JAN PERKINS
Top Ten Reasons Not to Kill Your Husband
10. The insurance premiums are not up to date.
9. Then who would bring you coffee in bed?
8. On cold winter nights when your toes are frozen, he has more
square inches of warm flesh than any non-industrial
hot-water bottle.
7. Without the trials of life with your husband to expound on
at work, then how would you continue to have all your
friends see you as a saintly martyr?
6. You can't always be your own designated driver.
5. Who else will eat your stir-fried tofu rolled in sesame
seeds and pretend to like it?
4. When you run out of razor blades you can always borrow his -
he'll never notice ;-)
3. You need an excuse (I'd love to stay but my husband gets so
ansty if I'm not home when I promised) to get out of all
those deadly work socials.
2. Otherwise you sit around all evening talking to yourself.
1. You want to wait for a shot at double indemnity.
From: DREW HASSELBACK
Here are the Top-10 reasons I got into Law School.
10. If Vanilla Ice can pass as a musician, I can pass as a lawyer.
9. I'm the only one who applied.
8. Faculty conducting experiment to see if anyone as stupid as I
am can survive.
7. Modem-user quota was low.
6. Admissions committee is cheesed off at Dean. I'm their revenge.
5. "I told you guys never to drink before admissions meetings."
4. Someone thought "Hasselback" was actually threat of law suit.
3. Someone thought "Hasselback" was a good name for a lawyer.
2. "If Dan Quayle can do it, why not this knuclehead?"
1. Admissions committee impressed I had the guts to apply with my
grades.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten Conclusions I Reached While Watching Talk Shows:
10. Phil graduated with honors from the University Of Ego, having
majored in Obnoxiousness.
9. Oprah likes to see people cry.
8. Geraldo will say anything to make people cry.
7. Phil tries to be politically correct, but is very intolerant of
those who disagree with his views.
6. Oprah really needs to get back on that diet.
5. Geraldo can make a love of chocolate chip cookies into a
sensationalistic lustful debasement.
4. Phil loves to make accusatory comments to his guests and audience.
3. Oprah wishes she was a psychiatrist.
2. Geraldo leaves no scum unturned in finding guests for his show.
1. These talk shows are a symptom of the pathetic lives of the viewers.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten More Reasons To Let Your Husband Live:
10. He's worth more alive than dead.
9. He'll bring you soup when you're in bed with a cold.
8. He pretends not to care what you look like in the morning.
7. He'll eat whatever you feed him.
6. He (foolishly) believes that Farrah Fawcett is nothing compared to
you.
5. If you close your eyes, you can pretend he's Mel Gibson.
4. He's willing to fire up the BBQ on those days when you just don't
feel like cooking in the summer.
3. He likes to watch the same TV shows as you do.
2. He's the only one who'll renovate your house for free.
1. You know his socks are clean because you washed them yourself.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten Reasons I Won't Go To Law School:
10. I hate reading the fine print, let alone writing it.
9. The operation to remove my conscience was unsuccessful.
8. Too many lawyer jokes.
(eg. How do you save a lawyer from drowning?
Take your foot off his head.
What do you have with a million lawyers buried
up to their necks in quicksand?
Not enough quicksand.)
7. Too much plotting and planning involved in being a lawyer.
6. I never really wanted to drive a Mercedes anyway.
5. Would probably be sent to jail by the first judge I appeared in
front of.
4. My nose grows when I tell a lie.
3. There is no number three.
2. Would rather be a doctor and make my fortune from unnecessary
surgical procedures.
1. No law school would have me!
From: MICHAEL SZELLER
Top Ten Things that will get you strange looks at Customs:
10. A Real Sword
9. A Genuine Hangman's Noose
8. Large Amounts of Monopoly Money
7. A Bag of Peruvian Doggy Treats
6. ** THIS ITEM SEIZED BY CUSTOMS **
5. Nude Photos of Margaret Thatcher
4. Electronic Cameras (What do you mean there's no film?)
3. Genuine German Whoopie Cushions
2. ** THIS ITEM SEIZED BY CUSTOMS **
1. A Photo Album of Cybil Sheppard on a Bed of Lettuce & Jello
(with SPAM Garnish)
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten Punch Lines For Jokes:
10. Take your foot off his head.
9. Will one of you go answer the door?!?
8. I've got only two words to say to you: Let go!
7. Spot, are you under the table? If so, get out before this guy sh*ts
on you!
6. Grandma got an F in sex.
5. Does this mean I'm going to have puppies?
4. It opens on impact.
3. He couldn't fit the cake into the typewriter.
2. Fifty pounds and a black dress.
1. Me hat'd fall down over me eyes and I wouldn't be able to see a damn
t'ing now, would I?
From: KENNETH NEWMAN
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
? Top Ten Conclusions I Reached While Watching Talk Shows: ?
???????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Wow. That list was, like a picture of Rosanne Barr in her
underwear, both scary and accurate.
Recently, at great effort and expense I managed to hunt
down a copy of the June 1973 issue of Penthouse magazine
because it has a long interview with a brilliant and
insane film maker named Alejandro Jodorowski. But
glancing through the magazine I was struck by how glad I
am that I live in 1993 and that we've all, hopefully, put
1973 long behind us. For this issue was like a time
capsule. Only a special type of time capsule. A time
capsule filled with phenomenally, unbelievably stupid
things. I limit myself to a mere ten.
TOP TEN PHENOMENALLY, UNBELIEVABLY STUPID THINGS YOU CAN
FIND IN A TWENTY YEAR OLD ISSUE OF PENTHOUSE
10. Interviews with deranged South American film
directors.
9. Fuzzy pictures (gauze? vaseline on the lens? bad light
meter?) of women with long straight hair parted in the
middle who like to sit around in sheer coloured stockings
staring off into space with a dazed look in their eyes as
if someone just whacked 'em in the head with a great big
two-by-four.
8. "Quotations" in the margins next to the pictures,
laced with brilliant and sensitive commentary. Sample:
"I'm a woman [Yeah, no shoe shine, Sherlock! That much is
plain to see.] and I'm a sensual being [Geez, I'm glad
she told us, otherwise it looks like she's just
scratching a bad bug bite] and I need activity for my
body as well as my mind [...and one from each of the four
food groups!]." [To which someone who was paid cash money
to comment added] This feminine integrity is Paula's
strongest personal quality. [Now available in a special
"feminine integrity" spray or convenient roll-on
applicator!]
7. Ads for Three Dog Night 8 track tapes.
6. Enema rock climbing. Nah, just kidding, but it did
have phony "letters" from amputee fetishists which might
count as Arm Fall Off Girl.
5. Stereo systems as big as a house, including,
ironically enough, an ad for a pair of Bose speakers that
I am currently using.
4. Ads for posters you can order that depict 12 different
positions one can try according to the zodiac in special
day-glo colours. This was not as bad as the poster of
Mark Spitz.
3. An ad, with no description of the book's contents
whatsoever, for a tome entitled, The Naked Chef.
Obviously this was before the invention of Cuisinarts!
2. An ad for a men's cologne that comes in a "masculine
shape" bottle. The copy reads: STUDD. A man's sexiest
companion. The essence of maleness... [Something every
owner of a tomcat probably knows a little too much about]
unlike any other aroma. Underscores your pipe tobacco,
brings the sophisticated primitiveness [Yes!!!!! That's
what it says! "Sophisticated primitiveness"!!!! Even a
Newman couldn't make that up! Not even with a jereboam or
nebuchadnezzar of cheap champagne down his gullet!] of
your woman surging to the fore. [As they say on the golf
course, FORE! Maybe that's what they mean by foreplay?]
1. An ad for Joe Weider's weight-gaining Crash-Weight
Formula #7 for which the 110 lbs "before" picture says,
"Tuberculosis, emphysema, chronic bronchial asthma,
collapsed lungs, cirrhosis of the liver, narcolepsy,
alcoholic, drug addict, a life in and out of hospitals,
psychiatric patient, three packs of cigarettes a day, no
SEX desire, unloved - only dogs as companions" [This, I
take it, is to provoke the intended Penthouse reader,
potential client into shouting "Eureka! That's me!"] For
the 175 lbs "after" picture, in which an enormous wart in
the shape of an overendowed woman has mysteriously grown
out of his left arm, the copy reads, "The result today is
a muscular man of vitality - athletic, handsome, earning
$40,000 a year, cured of the sickness that used to plague
him and now - surrounded by beautiful girls!"
From: KENNETH NEWMAN
??????????????????????????????????????????????
? Top Ten Other Things Kenneth Is Made Up Of ?
??????????????????????????????????????????????
10. Water.
9. Carbon-based material.
8. Chutzpah.
7. Almost unbearably sincere humility.
6. A riddle wrapped up inside an enigma ensconsed in a
jello glaze.
5. A Thin Man trying to get out and, failing that, trying
to get his mitts on a young Myrna Loy. Which reminds me,
did you ever notice how Basil Rathbone, in his portrayal
of Richard III in "The Tower of London" looked just like
Barbara Stanwyck on "The Big Valley" ?
4. An irrepresible though cheerful mass of oozing,
twitching polymorphous desire whose only regret in life
is the intervening stretch between being weaned and
getting married during which he had to make do with
Yoo-hoo and Twitzers.
3. Some pocket lint from Michael Szeller (gotta remember
to ask Mom about that!)
2. The brains of a Playboy bunny in the body of an
ex-Secretary of State with a strong accent, not to
mention Elvis's sense of humour and Lucille Ball's
musical ability.
1. A Mommy and a Daddy who loved him so much that
whenever they would move they left a forewarding address.
From: JOE NIDEROST
Top Ten Ways To Tell You Need A Co-Sysop:
10. You are spending more time with your bbs than Wife/
Significant Other
9. You Haven't Replied to any Mail to you thinking I'll Get to IT
8. You test a Door locally and it works but Locks Up when a user
tries it. You of course don't relize it because you don't read the
mail
7. You decide to add 10 National Echo nets with a total of 1000
message areas and just found out how much time it Will take.
6. You rebuild the entire BBS just for fun even though you have 25
other Sysop's calling for NetMail.
5. You are about to go on Vacation
4. You have no one to blame when things break
3. You have poor Admin Skills.
2. You have not Idea what to do next
1. You are Lazy!!!!!
From: JOE NIDEROST
Top ten things _YOU_Won't_find in a single guys Place:
10. Washer/Dryer
9. CookBook
8. Instructions for Anything
7. China
6. Laundry Basket
5. Clean Dishes
4. The Sink
3. The Floor
2. Food
1. Anything Femine
Top Ten Most Common things Found in a Single Guys Place
10. Left over Pizza
9. Dirty Dishes
8. Clothes Clean/Dirty
7. Sports Equipment
6. Old Sneakers
5. Empty Beer Cans
4. UnOpened Mail
3. Stereo/TV
2. Phone
1. Bed
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten Things Discretion Is The Better Part Of:
10. Valor.
9. Mastercard usage.
8. Gossip.
7. A husband getting fed by his wife.
6. Soup stains on your chin.
5. Jello in your pants.
4. SPAM flavored underwear.
3. Playing darts with the visually impaired.
2. Being used as a restroom by a giant doberman.
1. Standing on your head and typing backwards on your keyboard using
only your tongue while wearing SPAM flavored underwear.
From: SANDY ILLES
HAHAHAHA! I can picture the gravestone now:
"Here lies Kenneth Newman. He was almost unbearably and sincerely humble
but worked at it until he achieved his life's goal of just being
unbearable."
Top Ten Things I Want Put On My Gravestone:
10. Keep off the grass.
9. Trespassers will be haunted.
8. What are you lookin' at?
7. What, me dead?
6. Warning: Sandy has all the necessary qualities to be an excellent
poltergeist.
5. I'm not dead - I'm just sleeping and rotting at the same time.
4. Six feet under and proud of it!
3. Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?
2. R.I.P. graphics now available!
1. Carrier dropped for the rest of eternity.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten More Ways To Tell You Need A Co-Sysop:
10. Your wife gives birth and you find out about it in netmail.
9. You think Pepsi and potato chips make a nutritionally sound meal.
8. You know everything about your users but have no idea how old your
firstborn is.
7. You no longer read the newspaper because everything you need to know
is posted in netmail.
6. You have time to expand your conferences and setup new doors, but
don't have time to change a lightbulb.
5. You've learned to get by on three hours sleep.
4. You can find money for a 16.8 D/S, a 1 gig hard drive, and a CDRom,
but can't afford to fix that rickety step out front that someone
will undoubtedly break their leg on sometime soon.
3. You try to hit the F key to screen capture some interesting images
off the TV.
2. You say ROTFL and no one at work understands what you're talking
about.
1. Your speech is so peppered with BBSese that people think you've
learned a new language.
Bonus: You understand the Zmodem docs.
From: KENNETH NEWMAN
TOP TEN REASONS WHY KENNETH NEWMAN IS NOT AN ADVERTISING
COPY WRITER
10. What do you like to start your day with? Scrapple?
Cranapple? Snapple? Well, how about trying the great new
treat - SPAMapple Punch! Yes, someone will punch you in
the face with a boxing glove with a can of SPAM hidden
inside it! What a way to start your day!
9. Ladies! Ever reach into your pocketbook when you want
some femine integrity spray and accidentally whip out
your cannister of mace? Who hasn't? Well now Johnson and
Johnson has solved your problem with new FDCS spray -
it's two, two, two gases in one!
8. Hey Kids! Tired of the same old "Water Weenie" and M16
Water Cannon/Assault Rifle? Well, we've got just the
thing for you - Water Kitty! Looks just like a real cat
with fur and everything! Just fill it up with water,
it'll expand like a Japanese blowfish that's just seen a
picture of Liberace in a pair of hot pants! Then go up on
the roof and throw in in the path of a moving car! Mom'll
have a cow! Heck, she might even have kittens!
7. Jock itch. It's no laughing matter. Unless you don't
have it! And if you use our new Scratch'n'Win spray you
won't have it so you'll be able to point your finger and
laugh at every other guy in the locker room or clubhouse
that does have it! Buy some today and start laughing!
6. Poor Juan goes to his village school hungry every day.
And yet Sally Struthers could feed a whole village of
hungry youngsters for three months by herself alone. And
we don't mean on the proceeds of her ads for
correspondent schools. Margot Kidder could feed a nomadic
clan of rainforest dwellers for a year. And Shelley Winters,
well....just think of the possibilities. Won't you dig
down deep and give to help send blubbery, washed up
actresses to people who can really use them? It's not
like we need 'em! And if you think you can ignore our
plea, forget it buster. We're going to repeat this ad at
least 30 times before this movie is over. This is what
you get for staying up late and watching Wonder Woman
reruns. So don't look down your nose at us!
5. If you think farhfegnugen is a kind of disgusting
little biscuit made with dried fruit, then maybe you need
a Yugo. Yugo - a name you can pronounce, from a place that
doesn't exist anymore! Own a piece of ancient history!
4. Have you hugged your step-daughter today? Well, don't!
Not unless you want her to suddenly remember it 30 years
down the road as some kind of perverted grab. - a message
from your friendly Lawyers Who Don't Want To Make Much
Money Society.
3. What is a hamburger? It's not ham, it's chopped steak!
So put some A1 sauce on it! And what is a hot dog? Dog
meat? Well, maybe, maybe not. Who the heck knows? But
just in case it is, you're going to want to put even more
A1 on that "tube steak" to mask the taste!
2. With Guido's Insurance, Everyone is eligible for
coverage! For just dollars a day! We'll cover you against
Sudden Unexplained Accidents, Mysterious Explosions,
Leaky Break Fluid, Random Sniper Fire. [cut to shot of
worried looking woman clutching her husband] "No health
problems were caused! No masked gunmen visited our home!"
1. Follow the fun-filled antics of Arm Fall Off Boy!
Experience the thrills, chills and discomfort of Enema
Rock Climbing! Be regaled with constant inexplicable
references to jello, non-stick kitchen utensils, SPAM,
Cybil Shepherd and other amazingly life-like objects!
More fun than having your face ripped off by weasels!
More exciting than hearing a dart tournament on the
radio! Safer than having sex with a teenager! Win
valuable proses! Join the C2C TOP TEN Conference today!
From: RICHARD PLATEL
And now, for your reading pleasure,
Top-Ten productions is proud to present
the top, Top Ten for the week of August
8 to 14
? Area: C-Top Ten ??????????????????????????????????????????????????????
From: Jan Perkins
To: James Ashford
Subj: ROMAN PEACHES
????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
Top Ten List of Situations where the Spirit of Scientific
Investigation (or pig-headed curiousity) can cause Major
Problems.
10. You wonder why they tell you to let the expresso maker cool
before dismantling to clean.
9. You really want to know just how cold that swirly blue
liquid that cools wine in a few seconds is.
8. After the experience referred to by James in #5 above, you
look up classification of burns in a medical text and
decide to test your burn. When you regain consciousness,
you realise that not only is sensation intact, but you now
have a head injury.
7. Your Chemistry classmate told you that sulpuric acid stains
skin yellow. You find a bottle of conc. sulfuric and decide
to test this scientifically.
6. You wonder what will happen if you knock that little
rocking thing on top of the pressure cooker off.
5. The person in your Chemistry class also tells you ammonia
clears your sinuses. Suffering from allergies, you decide
to do an n of 1 study on the subject. You wake up in emerg.
with your head wound being stitched.
4. During a timed test to see whether paring carrots away or
towards your body is more efficient, you cut the back of
your finger quite badly. Your previous perusal of the
medical book during the head injury hospitalisation taught
you how to test for cut tendons. Unfortunately you don't
sit down first, and faint when the test gives you a "funny"
feeling. When you regain consciousness ...
3. Having seen an eccentric relative do a rough test of AA
batteries by placing the battery between tongue and wet
finger tip you try a similar test. It's a pity the only
battery you can find is a 6 volt one ...
2. You read that rolling naked in the dew in an open field on
may day cures all minor skin ailments. One paper boy, two
joggers and a phalanx of power walkers are unaware of this
quaint old custom and your dawn outing puts you in court.
1. You wonder if your swallowing muscles are strong enough to
let you drink coke from a straw while standing on your head.
_______________________________________________________________________
Thanks, and drive safely.
Richard Platel
C2C Top-Ten Conference Moderator.
From: SANDY ILLES
Top Ten Things I'd Advertise If I Was A Copywriter:
10. Diced beer. No, not iced beer. This stuff has to be cut into chunks
before being consumed.
9. Bluetiful beer. Labatt's beautiful, blue beer... it looks sick but
can make you DWI just as well as any other highly advertised
intoxicating substance.
8. Bellbottom long distance service. Now you can keep in touch with all
those hippies you knew back in the '60's.
7. Unitellusallaboutit. They want to hear the sad stories you have
concerning Bell's long distance rates.
6. Sesame speed buns. For ecologists who hate driving slow.
5. Two all-beef Patty's (recipe by Jeffrey Dahmer).
4. Canadian coins. They're worth nothing to spend so you might as well
collect them.
3. Lettuce and jello with a side order of SPAM and a picture of Cybil
Sheppard on the label.
2. Thought balloons.
1. Your eternal soul if it will get me a better spot in the lineup at
the supermarket. :)
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