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More top ten lists from Late Night with David L
TOP TEN NEW NAMES FOR THE REUNITED GERMANY
10. Keggerland
9. Just Plain Volks
8. Siegfried & Roy
7. Aryan Acres
6. Argentina East
5. The Love Shack
4. Nazichusetts
3. Switzerland's Bad-Ass Neighbor
2. Home of Das Whopper
1. Cindy
TOP TEN COMPLAINTS OF SPORTS ILLUSTRATED SWIMSUIT MODELS
10. Skimpy outfits reveal biker tattoos
9. Ever since Paula Poriskova started dating Ric Okasek, goofy-looking guys
actually think they have a shot with us
8. Knowing your photo is being used as currency in prison
7. Exxon tankers
6. Going on sleazy late-night talk shows where the band leader makes a
clumsy pass at you
5. The 1987 Arctic Circle shoot
4. Having to pay cash before pumping your own gas
3. People who mistake your sun protection factor for your I.Q.
2. Creepy feeling that somewhere Jimmy Swaggart is sitting alone looking at
a picture of you
1. That damn sand gets in everything
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT SOVIET SOCIETY IS LOOSENING UP
10. Hammer and sickle symbol replaced by smiling Kool-Aid pitcher
9. If Personal Pan Pizza not ready in two minutes, customer no longer beaten
senseless
8. Sans-a-Belt slacks
7. Exit visas now available at supermarket checkouts
6. Citizens informed of Elvis' death
5. Call-waiting now offered on tapped phones
4. Shirt and shoe requirement dropped at 7-Eleven
3. Emigres now presented with lovely parting gifts
2. Bigger and better prizes in Pravda "Wingo" game
1. Bob Eubanks named Grand Marshal of May Day parade
TOP TEN THINGS THE U.S. ARMED FORCES HAVE OVER THE SOVIETS
10. In hand-to-hand combat, U.S. soldier has advantage of having seen
professional wrestling
9. Notches on nose of our nuclear missiles make it easier to pop open a beer
8. U.S. Navy pilots go into battle with extra incentive of impressing Kelly
McGillis
7. Their geeky haircuts are worse than our geeky haircuts
6. Soviet subs not wired for MTV
5. Our Constitution guarantees the right to say "Bite me" to commanding
officer
4. U.S. weapons impeccably constructed by the superefficient Japanese
3. Ivan can't drink Pepsi upside down
2. Less talk, more rock
1. Batman's on *our* side
TOP ELEVEN REJECTED LIFESAVER FLAVORS
11. Disembowelmint
10. Pineapple Noriega
9. Marion-Berry
8. Smouldering Wig
7. Fruit-of-the-Loom
6. Sonny 'N' Cherry
5. Anton Fig
4. Number Ten Steel Lock Washers
3. Suck This
2. Manson Mint
1. Rashberry
TOP TEN RULES OF THE MISS AMERICA PAGEANT
10. Lipsuction is permitted, but not as part of the talent competition
9. Contestants must check out of judges' hotel rooms by 11 A.M.
8. Anyone who takes a water break without asking spends a night in the box
7. The balk rule will be enforced
6. Nonfinalists standing in the background may smoke discreetly
5. Scholarship money may not be applied toward candy
4. Contestants with private armies may not topple duly elected winner
3. No Gabors
2. For those who have had cosmetic surgery, at least 80% of their bodies must
be from their home state
1. Contestants may use Vaseline on teeth, not on Gary Collins
TOP TEN REJECTED PROM THEMES
10. Inside the Digestive System
9. Today is the Yesterday We'll be Embarassed About Tomorrow
8. Hormones Ahoy!
7. Stairway to Unrewarding Careers
6. Dorks in Rented Tuxes
5. Restroom Memories
4. Acne! Acne! Acne!
3. Marry Early for a Lifetime of Misery
2. Emergency Room, Here We Come!
1. Geeks-a-Poppin'!
TOP TEN REJECTED AFTER-SCHOOL SPECIALS
10. The Boy Who Counted Cards
9. Please Don't Make Me Go On "Family Feud"!
8. The Day the Gym Teacher Cried
7. The Popular Boy Who Smoked and Drank a Lot
6. Hiking with Reverend Al
5. Never Kiss a Rodeo Clown
4. Nugget, the Golden Retriever with Problem Flatulence
3. Tiffany and Debbie Gibson: The Catfight
2. From Larry Holmes, With Love
1. Father was a Flight Attendant
TOP TEN EXHIBITS IN THE ROCK AND ROLL HALL OF FAME
10. Micheal Jackson's original nose
9. Doirama of Pink Floyd trashing a Holiday Inn
8. "The Childproof-Cap Elvis Couldn't Open"
7. The mint green shorts worn by Richard Simmons in "Sweatin' to the
Oldies"
6. "The Life of Mark Goodman: From MTV Veejay to Former MTV Veejay"
5. The Record Company Weasel Petting Zoo
4. "Great Moments with Mister Mister"
3. "Get the Hell Off the Stage!": A Tribute to Opening Acts
2. "Catch a Disease from a Groupie" kissing booth
1. "Ride the Wild Cher"
TOP TEN REJECTED THEMES FOR THE ICE CAPADES
10. Big Bird Gets Mites
9. A Fat Smurf Hits on Dorothy Hamill
8. Eldridge Cleaver's "Soul on Ice" on ice
7. Torvill and Dean fight over the guy who drives the Zamboni
6. Squeaky Fromme, Where Are You?
5. Snoopy Stains the Ice
4. March of the Not-Very-Masculine Ice Dancers
3. Peggy Fleming in "Ice Bitches Behind Bars"
2. Thin costumes plus cold air equals entertainment for Dad
1. True ice fishing tragedies from police files
BLITZEN'S TOP TEN PEEVES
10. When airliners jettison their chemical toilets right in front of you
9. Elves who are a little too enthusiastic about putting on our harnesses
8. Dancer and Prancer always playing their Judy Garland records
7. Santa not letting us off for Jewish holidays
6. Reindeer Games tainted by steroids
5. When Santa stretches out the reindeer feed with sawdust
4. The way Rudolph won't let us forget he makes twice as much as the rest
of us
3. Two words: Soviet airspace
2. Swanson's Reindeer Pot Pie
1. When Santa hangs around the stable with his shirt off
TOP TEN WORDS USED IN NEW YORK POST HEADLINES
10. Co-Ed
9. Tot
8. Horror
7. Straphangers
6. Mom
5. Weirdos
4. Hizzoner
3. Torso
2. Herr Stienbrenner
1. Slayfest / Lotto (tie)
TOP TEN RECENT SCIENTIFIC DISCOVERIES
10. Giant apes once lived in Southeast Asia
9. First crude amphibians to crawl from ocean onto dry land were looking for
a towel
8. Raccoons don't really wash their food; probably lied about other things
too
7. Some galaxies really only 10 feet away, but are very tiny
6. Universe expands at same rate as NBA teams
5. Fish have Country Western tunes running through their heads
4. Roy Rogers' new-style chicken is still alive when you eat it
3. Funny smell in lab was actually graduate student
2. If a blue whale gets in a fight with a giant squid, HBO has exclusive
rights
1. Try topping an English muffin with bananas and honey - mmmm good!
TOP TEN MALL SHOPS IN HELL
10. Hitler and Himmler's 31 Flavors
9. Really Painful Manicures
8. Do-the-Sharpton-Thing Hair Salon
7. Fish 'n' Lips
6. Jim Jones' Juice-a-Teria
5. Boozy, Irritable, Big and Tall Men's Shop
4. Ceaucescu's Fasion OPtical
3. The Gap (Boy - they're *everywhere!*)
2. Noriega's Nut Hut (under contruction)
1. Brown Julius
TOP TEN MOTHER'S DAY GIFTS AVAILABLE IN TIMES SQUARE
10. Rolling pin vibrator
9. "World's Greatest Mom" crack pipe
8. A lovely silk robe shoplifted from Saks
7. Videocassette of movie "Danish Moms"
6. A guy who'll do anything for fifty bucks
5. Necklace of human ears
4. Car stereo (with minor crowbar damage)
3. Combination brass knuckles / cheese clicer
2. Gift certificate good for one brutal beating
1. Inflatable Dad
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR CHRISTMAS GIFTS
10. Andre the Giant Champagne
9. Hickory Famrs Smoked Gristle Assortment
8. Phil Donahue's "A Boy's First Dress"
7. An hour of free advertising on CBS
6. "The Jimmy Swaggart Pop-up Book"
5. Dan Rather Lather Skin Bracer for Men
4. The Living Weasel Wallet
2. Al Sharpton Hair-Styling Spackle
1. Isotoner Diapers
TOP TEN LEAST VISITED NEW YORK CITY ATTRACTIONS
10. The Museum of Subway Odors
9. Cat Meat Cook-Off
8. The Abandoned Auto Show
7. Amish peep-shows
6. Chalk Body-Outline Walking Tour
5. Knicks games
4. Psychotic Loner Renaissance Fair
3. Mob Informant Aqua Show
2. Mookie-Land
1. The Frozen-Spit Rink
TOP TEN OFF-SEASON SPORTS ON ESPN
10. Uninflated basketball
9. Fat-guy hackeysack
8. No-hands auto racing
7. Shirts-and-skins speed-typing
6. Amish rake-fights
5. Miniature horseshoes
4. Dropping cows from planes
3. Padded-suit lumber-swat
2. Oprah-tipping
1. Dog hockey
TOP TEN REALLY NICE THINGS ABOUT NEW YORK IN THE SUMMER
10. Abundant wonderland of unidentifiable smells
9. Out-of-towners overjoyed by the secret hope that maybe they'll get to
manage Yankees
8. Air-conditioned comfort of bright, shiny, well-appointed subway cars
7. Mayor usually out of town on "business"
6. Warm thin air enables stray bullets to travel further
5. First-run Broadway plays waive "no shirt, no shoes, no service" policy
4. Giant heat-seeking batlike lizards swarm skyscrapers at night
3. Most cab drivers, in lieu of top, gladly accept gentle kiss on forehead
2. Bobbing corpses in East River make perfect water-ski slalom course
1. Tattoos, tattoos, tattoos
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR ROADSIDE ATTRACTIONS
10. Geraldo-Land
9. Arena Football Hall of Fame
8. Stump Johnson's World of Angry Animals
7. World's Largest Spit-Sink
6. Catch-Your-Own-Wasp Ranch
5. Recreation on Vin Scully's boyhood home
4. One-Eyed Elf Dodgeball Cage
3. You-Hit-It, We-Cook-It Roadkill Grill
2. The Enchanted Mitten
1. Giant Shirtless Santa Claus
TOP TEN REVELATIONS IN ALBERT GOLDMAN'S UPCOMING BIOGRAPHY OF RINGO
10. Only Beatle to portray himself in "Beatlemania"
9. Used to give John and Paul token songs so they wouldn't fell left out
8. Had a secretary named Lincoln, while Lincoln had a secretary named Ringo
7. For a while, actually believed Paul was dead
6. Served in Indiana National Guard during Vietnam War
5. Suggested "Hey, Hey, We're the Monkees" as Beatles theme song
4. On their honeymoon, he and Barbara held a "bed-in" to promote Seagram's
wine coolers
3. Made a fortune selling cheesy Ginsu Knife sets on TV (I'm sorry - that's
a revelation about *Ronco*)
2. Advised Paul that "Hey, Dude" just didn't sound right
1. Vocal on "Octopus's Garden" played backwards sounds like "Thank God these
other guys are so talented!"
TOP TEN REJECTED JEOPARDY CATEGORIES
10. Things That Ooze
9. Deathbed Pranks
8. Noises Dad Makes
7. What's That? Ham?
6. Things You Just Want to Pound and Pound with a Shovel
5. Doorknob Lore
4. Leading Men Who Are Really Gay
3. Presidential Salads
2. Items Found in Wadded-up Napkins
1. Moist Things
TOP TEN DOG EXCUSES FOR LOSING THE DOG SHOW
10. Mistaken in assumption that there would be chance to show off talent for
drinking from toilet
9. Thought I saw that little chuckwagon
8. Bad idea going to Don King's barber
7. Caught in a lie claiming to be "Cycle Two" dog when I'm really "Cycle
Three"
6. Shouldn't have picked Quayle as running mate
5. My life-long losing battle with problem drool
4. Spelled "ubiquitous" with two B's
3. Didn't know that was the judge's leg
2. Money goes to trainer anyway, so let *him* stand naken in Madison Square
Garden and get touched by a stranger in a bad suit
1. Like me, the whole thing was fixed
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE GONE TO A BAD SPA
10. Name of spa includes words "speedway" or "Route 1"
9. Shower sandals just empty Kleenex boxes
8. Hot springs connected to drain from nearby carwash
7. Spa owner has personalized license plate reading "FRAUD"
6. You're pulled out of bed at 5 AM and sent to sell flowers at the airport
5. Manager claims heating oil smell in your room is a form of "aromatherapy"
4. Mickey Rourke won't leave the whirlpool
3. A guy expresses interest in one of your kidneys
2. You find out that's not mud in the mud baths
1. Everywhere you turn -- Willard!
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR BIKER TATTOOS
10. "Bad to the Bone Due to a Calcium Deficiency"
9. "Bingo Nut"
8. "I Support Public Transportation"
7. "Thank You For Not Smoking"
6. "Follow Me to the Potpourri Barn"
5. Tattooed autograph of golf legend Al Geiberger
4. "I Know I'm Going to Heaven Because I've Spent My Time in Hell: Merril-
Lynch Trainee Program 1986"
3. "Ask Me About Mary Kaye Cosmetics"
2. "Have You Hugged Your Pomeranian Today?"
1. "Guns 'N' Roses 'N' Bran Muffins"
TOP TEN BETTER WAYS TO SPEND $166 BILLION
10. Put aluminum siding on every house in the planet
9. Buy Leona Helmsley breakfast
8. Back-to-school clothes for all of Steve Garvey's kids
7. Cab ride from JFK to Manhattan
6. Marry Robin Givens
5. Give it to Pete Rose; see if he can double it
4. Hire Jack Nicholson to play cartoon villain Yosemite Sam on this show
every night for a year
3. Fabulous gifts for the Late Night audience -- the best damn audience in
the world
2. Pay a real lot for your muffler
1. Walk into every pet shop in the world and announce "Hey everybody! The
dogs are on me!"
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR SUPERMARKET CHAINS
10. Pick 'N' Lick
9. Larva Town
8. Food Crypt
7. Risky's
6. Price Hiker
5. Rex Reed's Grocery Rodeo
4. The Expiration Date Grab Bag
3. I'm-Not-Wearing Pantry
2. Hitler's
1. Bag This!
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE GONE TO A BAD COLLEGE
10. On university seal, word "college" is spelled with a "k"
9. Many alumni still living out behind the staduim
8. Your English professor looks a lot like your History professor minus the
fake nose & glasses
7. School colors are brown and slightly darker brown
6. Instructors ask that you place finished exam papers directly into their
pants pocket
5. When you mention your college, people in town say "Oh yeah, the old
kennel!"
4. Coach of your basketball team is Jerry Tarkanian
3. School song is "Freebird"
2. When asked about accreditation, the dean of admissions replies "I got
your accreditation right here!"
1. Valedictorian is a counting pony
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR HORS D'OEUVRES
10. Bacon-wrapped gravel
9. Hot 'n' spicy nickels
8. Lint on a Ritz
7. Ben Gay balls
6. Super-crunchie cocoons
5. Hudson River slush
4. Rice Krispie Squares that have been in Don Zimmer's locker
3. Devilled aphid mini-pizzas
2. That's-not-caviar
1. Vienna Snausages
TOP TEN MOST COMMON NEW YORK CITY HEALTH CODE VIOLATIONS
10. Hot dogs kept warm in street vendor's pants
9. Rat in rice canister not wearing hair net
8. Dishwasher replaced by St. Bernard who laps plates clean
7. Tank of live lobsters with wet hacking coughs
6. Kitchen full of shirtless fat guys soothing sunburns with raw veal
5. Fry-cook not washing hands after strangling somebody
4. Raymond Burr's swimming trunks found in kettle of clam chowder
3. French onion soup thickened with Vaseline
2. Al Sharpton's hot tub
1. So-called "sidewalk pate"
ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S TOP TEN MOST HORRIFYING SECRETS
10. That's not his grandson, that's his "longtime companion"
9. Has fifty pounds of plastic explosives taped to his body at all times
8. He was raised by white mice
7. Is the real voice of Milli Vanilli
6. Came home one night to find his wife in bed with the Keebler elves
5. Was responsible for that fire at the Jiffy Pop factory
4. Two words: Asian escorts
3. Has small vestigal wings
2. Likes to wear pants three sizes too large, go to malls, and then say
"Oops!" whenever they fall down
1. That ain't butter
TOP TEN WAYS TO TELL YOU'RE POSSESSED
10. You feel stuffed even after a light dinner
9. Your voice sounds more and more like Bea Arthur's
8. You run around your Palm Beach house wearing nothing but an Oxford shirt
7. You ask the barber to cut your hair a little more like Hitler's
6. You find yourself wondering what sex with Cher would be like
5. You don't have to use the rear-view mirror to look at the cars behind you
4. You're a former cast member of "Diff'rent Strokes"
3. Every time you hiccup, sparks fly out of your mouth
2. You become the Vice President of the United States even though you are a
total boob
1. When "Father Dowling" show comes on, your eyes start to sting
TOP TEN FAST-FOOD FRANCHISES IN IRAQ
10. Kentucky Gassed Chicken
9. Sand-in-the-Box
8. Saddam's Big Boy
7. Goats 'n' Stuff
6. Veil-less Babes Donut Shop
5. Donkey Hut
4. Glorious Martyred Chicken Parts
3. Falafel Bell
2. Taco Tent
1. Stuff Your Hump
TOP TEN GROUNDS FOR JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE
10. Using CB lingo
9. Talking loudly in a restaurant about your bladder infection
8. Being a New Kid on the Block
7. Looking at someone wrong (New York City only)
6. Trying to start "the wave"
5. Repeatedly answering the telephone "Yel-lo?"
4. Two words: vacation photos
3. Eating all the Cracklin' Oat Bran
2. Revealing the surprise ending to "Earnest Goes to Jail"
1. Constantly combing hair and asking passersby "Do you think I look like
Jack Lord?"
TOP TEN NEW FEATURES ON AIR FORCE ONE
10. External P.A. system so President can greet drivers on interstate highways
below
9. Coppertone banner for flying over beach
8. Bitchin' flame decals
7. Fake antenna to make people think they have a cellular phone on board
6. Button that transforms plane into glowing saucer to screw with farmers in
the Midwest
5. Plastic monster on wing to intimidate foreign dignitaries from Third World
nations
4. Melon baller
3. Pet door for Millie - the President's flying dog
2. Stealth babes
1. Phony steering wheel so Vice President Quayle can pretend he's flying the
plane
TOP TEN THINGS THAT WILL GET YOU KICKED OUT OF THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY
PARADE
10. Every time float goes by, screaming at top of lungs, "She's gonna blow!"
9. Repeatedly asking total strangers if you can sit on their shoulders
8. Going up on Macy's roof; fishing for Willard's toupee
7. Throwing your hotel keys onto the float with Little Bo Peep
6. Rubbing Kermit balloon on Al Sharpton's hair; then sticking it on the
Chrysler Building
5. Cold-cocking Santa; taking his place dressed as Roy Orbison
4. Entering your own float: The Life-Size Beat-up Camaro with Fifteen Dudes
Crammed in It
3. Taking a leak off to the side of the reviewing stand
2. Going on and on about how much better the Sears Thanksgiving Day parade
is
1. Marching pantsless
TOP TEN WORK-RELATED INJURIES AT THE WHAM-O FACTORY
10. Pulled Slinky
9. Whiffle Welts
8. Decapitation by Experimental Razor-Frisbee
7. Tripping Over Gummy Wed of Silly String into Table Saw
6. Slip 'n' Slide 'n' Concussion
5. Overcome by Fumes from Batch of Custom-Order Toxic Play-Doh for Pentagon
4. Yo-yo Recoil Cranial Fracture
3. Burnt Tongue from Cafeteria Chili
2. Punctured Water Weenie
1. Hula-Hoop Chafing
TOP TEN DUTIES OF QUEEN ELIZABETH II
10. Gets to throw first punch at British soccer riots
9. Appear in TV ads for London Radio Shacks
8. Put on big furry hillbilly bear costume and greet visitors to Buckingham
Palace
7. Feed the royal monkeys
6. Play local disc jockeys in donkey basketball games for charity
5. Represent the United Kingdom among the Glorious Ladies of Wrestling
4. Make Prince Andrew stop wearing T-shirt that says "Wanna see the Royal
Jewels?"
3. Must chase, kill, and comsume barn rats
2. Kick the queen of Sweden's ass in croquet
1. Tip like a big-shot
TOP TEN REJECTED NFL TEAM NAMES
10. The Opticians
9. The Groin-Pullers
8. The Fragile Porceline Mice
7. The Fightin' Amish
6. The Blood-Swollen Ticks
5. The Velveteen Rabbits
4. The Referee Killers
3. The Soft Angora Sweater-Wearing Debutantes
2. The Greasy Ferrets
1. The Highly-Paid Dumb Guys
TOP TEN PUNCH-LINES TO DIRTY JOKES ASTRONAUTS TELL
10. "You call *that* Mission Control?"
9. "The Titan Two, the Saturn Five, and Cher's waterbed."
8. "Heat shields? I thought you said *Brooke* Shields!"
7. "Thirty seconds and holding - and please keep holding!"
6. "Hey! Blame gravity!"
5. "I said Venus! *Venus*!"
4. "Who do you think I am? Buzz Aldrin?"
3. "10, 9, 8, 7 -- oops!"
2. "It wasn't G-forces that killed that monkey!"
1. "Gee - it *tasted* like Tang!"
TOP TEN INEXPENSIVE WEEKEND ACTIVITIES IN NEW YORK CITY
10. Ruptured-pipe steam baths in middle of street
9. Take Bible out of hotel room drawer. Look out window. Circle the
commandments as you see them being broken.
8. Lei down in chalk body outlines to see if they fit
7. Rummage through meat plant dumpsters off 14th street; try to assemble your
own cow
6. Watch "America's Most Wanted", then go fugitive-spotting at the Port
Authority
5. Using birdseed, get Columbus Circle pigeons to spell out nasty words
4. Try on pair of pants at Macy's, then walk around store asking everyone you
see, "How do they look?"
3. Throw rocks at Chrysler Building and wait for Old Man Chrysler to come out
and chase you away
2. Buy fake police ID in Times Square and strip-search self
1. Remember - the "D" in "D Train" is for *Dancing*!
TOP TEN GOVERNMENT EUPHEMISMS FOR A RECESSION
10. Lifestyle downscaling opportunity
9. Our Little Problem
8. The ugly, stupid cousin of robust growth
7. Something for you '30s nostalgia buffs
6. Cheap mean-eatin' days
5. A treat for our bankruptcy lawyer friends
4. A good time to switch to RC Cola
3. Still a hell of a lot better than any country in South America, pal!
2. The National Bummer
1. It's Krazy Dollar Days!
TOP TEN AMISH SPRING BREAK ACTIVITIES
10. Drink molasses till you heave
9. Wet-bonnet contest
8. Stuff as many guys as you can into a buggy
7. Buttermilk kegger
6. Blow past the Dairy Queen on a really bitchin' Clydesdale
5. Get tattoo, "Born to Raise Barns"
4. Cruise streets of Fort Lauderdale shouting insults at people with zippers
3. Sleep in until six A.M.
2. Drive over to Mennonite country and kick some ass
1. Churning butter naked
TOP TEN PET PEEVES OF GUYS WHO MANAGE BIG AND TALL MEN'S STORES
10. Fat guys who get their inseam measured a couple of times - and then don't
buy anything
9. When a size fifty-four doesn't close the dressing room curtain all the way
8. When Roger Ebert tries to return old bathing suits
7. Annoying "thwack" sound when customer walks into ceiling fan
6. Never get to meet Jake, only get to meet the Fatman
5. When it's "Big and Tall Men's Store Managers Day" at the ballpark - and
you have to work
4. When a big and tall guy gets wedged in a door frame and you have to call
the fire department
3. Willard
2. While fitting a fat guy on your lunch hour, he asks if you're going to
finish that sandwich
1. Broken chairs
TOP TEN OTHER INVENTIONS BY THE SUICIDE MACHINE DOCTOR
10. The Craftmatic Adjustable Groin-Puller
9. The Mesh Parachute
8. Clorox Coladas
7. The Rickety Ladder
6. The Recipe for New Coke
5. The Steel-Bristle Retina Brush
4. The Frayed Asbestos Handkerchief
3. The Tub Toaster
2. The Denny's All-You-Can-Eat Seafood Special
1. The Popiel Pocket Suicide Machine
TOP TEN SUMMER FUN TIPS FROM GENERAL ELECTRIC
10. Tie thousands of light bulbs together; raft down Colorado River
9. Huge electric turbines make great Frisbee launchers!
8. Put on softball mitts; try to catch defective G.E. engine parts as they
drop from the sky
7. Fire someone
6. Try a zesty summer salad made from arugula and plenty of G.E. hundred-
watt bulbs!
5. Kids love to play "Bury an Expensive American-Made VCR" at the beach
4. Install an air conditioner in your oven for food so cool it's hot!
3. Liven up meetings with Defense Department auditors with dozens of bikini-
clad hookers!
2. Use your three-speed fan to make monster daiquiris!
1. Get a G.E. toaster tan!
TOP TEN SIGNS THAT YOUR WIFE IS SEEING SINATRA
10. Without warning, she replaces the Paul Newman spaghetti sauce with the
Frank Sinatra spaghetti sauce
9. She insists on doing all the grocery shopping in Las Vegas
8. Always leans on horn when she sees "Honk if You've Slept with Sinatra"
bumper sticker
7. She starts praising the songwriter genius of Mr. Jimmy Van Heusen
6. Her rival in the PTA suddenly washes up in the town reservoir
5. You turn on "Entertainment Tonight" and see Frank Sinatra wearing your
pajamas
4. Always saying to your son, "Why can't you be more like that nice Frank
Sinatra, Jr.?"
3. She's laughing just a little too hard at this list
2. People who owe her money for Tupperware suddenly begin paying up
1. She comes home smelling like a sweaty tuxedo
TOP TEN WAYS THE WORLD WOULD BE DIFFERENT IF EVERYONE WAS NAMED PHIL
10. Almost impossible to get personal license plate "Phil"
9. Ben and Jerry's ice cream now called "Phil and Phil's"
8. Expentant parents could be heard saying "Phil if it's a boy and Phil if
it's a girl"
7. When caller to Donahue show says "Phil?" everyone in the audience would
reply "Yes?"
6. 007 fans look forward to classic line, "Bond. Phil Bond."
5. Instead of screaming, "Watch where you're going, you stupid bastard!"
New Yorkers would scream, "Watch where you're going, Phil, you stupid
bastard!"
4. Could throw an office into total confusion by calling and asking "Is Tony
there?"
3. Teenage pranksters would call airport and have them page Phil Hertz
2. Wouldn't have to look in the TV Guide to see who's on "The Tonight Show"
1. Most popular Beatle? Phil.
TOP TEN REJECTED PROM THEMES
10. Let's Pretend We All Have Bright Futures
9. A Night at the Hair Club for Men
8. America's Most Wanted
7. Rise Up and Kill the Popular Kids
6. Children of the Damned
5. Sorry I Made You Pregnant
4. An Evening in Willie Nelson's Laundry Hamper
3. Come as your Gay English Teacher
2. We Shall Not Pass This Way Again -- Except For Our Really Depressing
Reunion in About Ten Years
1. 'Faced!
TOP TEN CATEGORIES ON IRAQI "JEOPARDY!"
10. Things that won'ts set off airport security alarms
9. Nicknames for sand
8. Famous Mohammeds
7. At home with Hitler
6. Games played with a human head
5. Ways to lose a hand
4. Twenty-three-letter words
3. Ayatollahs who have fallen out of their coffins
2. Shounds like "Shi'ite"
1. Broadway show tunes
TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT NEW YORK
10. Can get car windows clean at every street corner
9. New rule: Autopsy results in less than a half hour, or it's free
8. Annual abandoned-auto show
7. Four words: Regis and Kathie Lee
6. Commotion during mob hits at steakhouses allows you to skip out on check
5. The Japanese keep their buildings looking nice
4. Plenty of empty seats in Manhatten churches
3. 911 is a toll-free call
2. The best-looking hookers in the world!
1. The sickening filth, deafening noise, and terrifying danger are offset by
a $3 cup of coffee
TOP TEN UMPIRE COMPLAINTS
10. Having to carpool with the team mascot
9. Line-up card from Don Zimmer always smeared with spaghetti sauce
8. When a manager who's yelling at you in your face suddenly kisses you
7. Have to use glass-bottomed shower over concession stand
6. When they show your wife in bed with some over guy on Diamondvision
5. Players who ask if you would scratch them
4. All those empty Slim-Fast containers around Dodger dugout
3. When the San Diego Chicken steals all your street clothes and sets them
on fire during his pre-game dance
2. In most states, "killing the umpire" is only a class B misdemeanor
1. Squat-burns
TOP TEN SIGNS SUMMER IS OVER IN HELL
10. Ayatollah no longer walks around with zinc oxide on his nose
9. Molten lava slide closes for season
8. Only television station switches from round-the-clock reruns of "Who's
The Boss?" to *all-new* episodes of "Who's the Boss?"
7. Anguished cries for ice water replaced by anguished cries for cider and
doughnuts
6. Satan begins annual fretting about whether it would be cheaper to switch
the whole system over to natural gas
5. Tours less crowded to see future home of Saddam Hussein
4. Hell's weatherman starts to make jokes about "freezing over"
3. Giant groundhog comes out of his hole, sees his shadow, and eats five
people
2. Season begins for hell's official football team - the New York Jets
1. Sign-up sheets posted for hayrides with Hitler
TOP TEN ELF OCCUPATIONAL HAZARDS
10. Severe chafing from testing new bicycle seats
9. Tinsel lung
8. Mistakenly drinking paint
7. Jingle bell lodged in trachea
6. A raindeer taking a leak on you
5. Stepping on a little red wagon and sliding into giant gas turbines
4. Ringworm
3. Lawn darts
2. Fired when G.E. takes over company
1. Hammer fights
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR NEW CAR OPTIONS
10. Rear window fogger
9. Pre-filled ashtrays
8. Passenger airbag in trunk
7. Drifter in back seat who says "Your door is open"
6. Hydraulic roadkill scoop
5. Thirty-five smelly Ringling Brothers clowns
4. Ceiling fans
3. Electronic scanner that reads the mind of Roddy McDowell
2. Oprahometer
1. Intermittent steering
TOP TEN WAYS NBC NEWS CAN SAVE MONEY
10. Make stuff up
9. Somehow incorporate news items into "The Cosby Show"
8. Sneak in plugs like "The shuttle's reentry was as smooth as an ice-cold
Budweiser"
7. Stop buying G.E. bulbs and get some that don't burn out so fast
6. Arthur Kent kissing booth
5. Generic fruit punch
4. Limit news coverage to things that happen in the building
3. Fire Dr. Art Ulene (Whoops! They already did that!)
2. Water down the ketchup
1. Every night have Brokaw turn on portable TV and say "Shall we watch the
CBS news together?"
TOP TEN MOST FREQUENTLY RETURNED CHRISTMAS GIFTS
10. The Sunbeam Six-Slice Shower Toaster
9. Raymond Burr's "Sweatin' to the Oldies" videocassette
8. New York Jets playoff tickets
7. The Devout Muslim Nation Joke Book
6. The Black and Decker Forehead Sander
5. Bag of live mice
4. Super-Itchy Slipper-Socks from Super-Itchy Technologies, Hartford,
Connecticut
3. Dr. Kevorkian's Suicide Machine
2. Hickory Farms Cologne
1. "Lick Me" - the Board Game
TOP TEN REASONS NEW YORK WOULD BE A GOOD PLACE FOR THE OLYMPICS
10. No shortage of starter pistols
9. Already have a cute mascot: Lou the Giant Rat
8. New York Yankees set the tone for amateur athletics
7. Eternal flame ceremony enhanced by mile-long parade of arsonists
6. Would give city's cab drivers chance to cheer for their home countries
in person
5. Exciting new exhibition sport: turnstile-jumping
4. Extra traffic easily handled by city's clean and efficient monorail system
3. Plenty of room for out-of-town visitors at Letterman's place
2. Fun for Olympians to compare neck-burns where gold medals used to be
1. Hudson River practically made for synchronized swimming
TOP TEN MR. WIZARD EXPERIMENTS
10. Let's flush a canned ham down the toilet
9. Will your head fit here?
8. What happens when you lick a wasp's nest?
7. Getting free HBO
6. How many beers before you make a pass at Bea Arthur?
5. How much Crisco can you eat?
4. Substituting Folgers Crystals for freshly brewed coffee
3. Dressing like *Mrs.* Wizard
2. Big pockets for super shoplifting
1. Those two flight attendants in Dallas
TOP TEN GOOD THINGS ABOUT BEING A REALLY, REALLY DUMB GUY
10. Never have to sit though long, boring Nobel Prize banquet
9. Pleasant sense of relief when Roadrunner gets away from Coyote
8. G.E. executive dining room has great clam chowder
7. Seldom interrupted by annoying request to "Put that in layman's terms"
6. Get to have own talk show with Canadian bandleader
5. Stallone might play you in the movie
4. Can feel superior to really, really, *really* dumb guys
3. May get to be Vice President of the United States
2. Already know the answer when people ask, "What are you - an idiot?"
1. Fun bumper sticker: I'd Rather be Drooling
TOP TEN SLOGANS FOR THE NEW McLEAN BURGER
10. Now it takes *twice* as long to clog your arteries
9. Not only secret sauce - secret meat!
8. Developed after Mayor McChees's double bypass
7. Almost as tasty as those green shakes we sell on St. Patrick's Day
6. Okay, the McNuggets suck. But these are good! Really!
5. Why not spend the day chewing?
4. Consult your physician if dizziness occurs
3. Eat me
2. If this was around in 1965, Elvis would be alive today
1. Give it a try, fat boy
TOP TEN LEAST POPULAR SUMMER CAMPS
10. Camp Tick in beautiful Lyme, Connecticut
9. Camp Geraldo
8. Backyards-of-People-Who-Don't-Seem-to-be-Home Tenting Holidays
7. Amish Computer Camp
6. Dr. Kevorkian's Build-Your-Own-Suicide-Machine and Tennis Camp
5. Mr. and Mrs. Johnson's Camp for Kids Whose Parents Don't Love Them, Don't
Want Them Around, and Won't Even Pay for a Halfway Decent Camp
4. Gerry Cooney's Camp for Big Clumsy White Kids
3. Incontinent Palomino Western Trail Ranch
2. Camp Sissy-Boy
1. Mickey Rooney's All-Nude Outward Bound
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