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Parody on wiccan laws
The Law was made and ardane about a week from last Wednesday.
The Law was made for the Wiccca, in order that they should develop
a nice longhand style from copying it.
The Wiccca should give due worship to the Godz, presuming they
believe the Godz exist and aren't just metaphors; and obey Their Will,
which the HPS of the Coven will make up as she goes along, for it was made
for the purpose of ego-tripping and wild parties. The worship of the
Wiccca is good for the owners of Occult Supply Stores, for the owners of
Occult Supply Stores love the money of the Wiccca.
As a man loveth a woman using the missionary position, so the
Wiccca should shaft their fellows and other total strangers frequently.
And it is necessary that the Magick Circle which is the principal
difference between a Wicccan rite and a frat party be cast and all Wiccca
properly purified to enter it so they can drink five gallons of Ripple each
and not throw up.
The HPS shall r/u/i/n/ rule her coven as the local repre
sentative of the Goddess, and choose whomever she is sleeping
with this week to be her HP...or her Maiden.
And remember that the Wiccca would have it that The God Himself kissed
her feet and gave up the position of Ringmaster to her because of her
arbitrariness and autocracy, her spite and unreason, her mysteriousness and
ignorance: so the HP is expected to go as far away as possible and not even
show up for Sabbats.
It is the greatest virtue of a HPS that she turn as many of her
Covenors into closet Xtians as possible, for the true HPS realizes that anyone
with the sense Goddess gave a goose is not going to stick around without
having a death wish.
* * * * *
In the Olden Days when Wiccca extended far, we were free and had reservations
in all the best restaurants.
But these days, we eat at McDonald's.
SO BE IT ARDANE, that none but the Wiccca shall ever be invited to
dinner, for people who ignore us are many, and if they ever found out what we
are really up to, they would giggle.
SO BE IT ARDANE, that no Coven shall know where the next Coven bide,
nor who its member be, save anybody who looks in Circle Newsletter and the
hit team we send out to sanction them.
SO BE IT ARDANE, that no one shall tell anyone anything, least of all
thy fellows in the Craft, for fear one of you will learn something; because
as it is truly writ: Gerald wrote it, I believe it, that settles it.
And if any break these Laws, they will have to start their own
Tradition and make up their own Grandmother.
Let each HPS govern her Coven as she damn' well please, riding rough-
shod over the Covenors as long as they will stand for it.
But it must be recognized that sooner or later they will get mad and
stop bringing the Ripple to Coven meetings. When this happens, it hath ever
been the Old Law that the HPS will Elevate them to the Third Degree and kick
them out, and promise them the rest of the Book...someday.
Anyone of any degree or none may found a Coven, provided they think
they can get away with it and can create a convincing Grandmother.
They may raid other Covens for members as long as no one knows where
to find them.
But splitting the Coven oft means new opportunities for evading the
consequences of your actions, so the wise HPS will think of it first.
* * * * *
If you should keep a Black Bok, let it be in your own hand of write, except
for the parts you xerox out of Lady Sheba. Or better yet, tell everybody
they're not of a high enough degree to see it.
Proclaim your Wicccahood loudly, and often; you may be able to do a
brisk trade in spells, psychic fairs, and talk shows. If nobody believs you,
try holding a public skyclad circle. If all else fails, hire a press agent
and advertise in the National Inquirer. If they try to make you talk of the
Brotherhood, lay it on with a trowel. Ancient Atlantis is always good for a
five-minute spot on the six o' clock news. Not all interviewers are bad; some
may even flash your business address on the screen for a few seconds.
* * * * *
To avoid discovery, let your working tools be ordinary stuff such as any may
have around the house: AR-15's, Patton Tanks, Howitzers (let's see how far
we can stretch that First Amendment, gang!). Have no names or signs on
anuything, and remove the ones they came with, as otherwise this can lead to
a charge of receiving stolen property.
Let the Pentacles be made of wax unless something else is more
convenient.
Have no sword, unless you are in the SCA or a collector of WWII
memorabilia.
Write the names and signs on a gummed label so that it can be peeled
off immediately afterwards; remember that not guilty by reason of insanity is
not a valid defense in cases of this kind.
Ever remember that you are the Hidden Children of the Goddess; when
you can take time out from Karma Dumping Runs, Psychic Vendettas, Banishing
each other from the Coven and discussing how much fun it would be to persecute
the Xtians, remember never to do anything to disgrace Her. Or Them, if that's
possible.
* * * * *
In the Olden Days, when we had Power, we could use the Art against any who
ill-treated us; but these days a whispering campaign works better. Remember
always that there are a lot of flaky people out there, and for this reason
it is best to give a fake name and a Post Office Box address. Someone is
always going to blame you for something.
SO BE IT ARDANE: HARM NONE, or at least have a good alibi. Never
break this law, or people who get burned along with you will come after you
with baseball bats, and you will never be able to score any decent hash again.
Any HPS who does something you don't like you can walk out on, but be
sure to clout the Coven Book on the way to the door and set up in business for
yourself (Learn Witchcraft From The Experts!).
Always accept money for use of the Art, but keep an eye on the Gypsy
Laws. In some states, Barter works better. All may use the Art for their
own advantage; remember, quick and dirty works best, and you can lay off Karma
on the Coven. If that doesn't work, try dead cats in the mailbox.
* * * * *
'Tis the Old Law and most important of all the Laws that no one may do anything
that will endanger any of the Craft. Unless there's money in it, or it's to
someone you think deserves it, and anyway, "endanger" is in the eye of the
beholder.
In any dispute between the Wiccca, no one may invoke any Law but that
of the Craft. However, you can break into your opponent's home and mess up
his stuff.. after all, it says right here they can't go to the Police.
Never bargain or haggle when you buy by the Art; most Occult Store
owners will just throw you out and everyone else will think you're a nut.
* * * * *
It is ever the way with men and with women that they are ruled by their glands.
At any moment your HPS may run off and become a Rosicrucian. And the way of
Resignation is this: if she doesn't answer her phone for two weeks and is
never home when you drive by, you can declare her outcast from the Coven and
take it over yourself, with as many as will have you. But if she comes back
she will probably take of the Coven again, or start another one in the same
building and declare you Invalid, and there's not much you can do about it.
Learn to live with anxiety. Get everything in writing.
* * * * *
It hath been found that two people sitting around with a bottle of Chianti
discussing Atlantean Grandmothers will become fond of each other, if only
because of the Stockholm Syndrome. Therefore, let it be resolved that a
human being shall be taught in the Craft only by another human being, and
screw the middle-class morality of the nineteen-fifties.
* * * * *
And the Curses of the Mighty Ones be on all who try to take this seriously,
or the Craft seriously, or the Wiccca seriously. Caveat Lector, and May The
Force Be With You!
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