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More Jokes
TIRED OF LOSING OUT IN LIFE?
SICK OF BEING MR. AVERAGE?
BECOME GOD!
That's right. Unbelievable as it may seem, we have a limited number of magic amulets that will giveu the power of the Lord God.
RAISE THE DEAD! CREATE LIFE! WALK ON WATER!
Impress your friends and improve your love life. Watch your finances grow. As King of Kings & Lord Lords, you can be the life of any party. Get your magic amulet today.
ONLY $8.99!!!
If you're not satisfied that you are indeed ruling the universe, your money will be cheerfully refun.
YES I want to be God. Send me ___ magic amulet(s).
I have enclosed $____ which includes a $2.00 shipping charge
(per amulet).
Send to:
PHLEGM ENTERPRISES
Box 33475
Lissville, California
94353
U.S.A.
**
A guy goes into a bar, orders a beer, next thing the bartender notices him pouring the beer all overs right hand. The bartender says "Hey man what the hell are you doing ?" The guy replies, " Don't or about it I'm just getting my date drunk!"
**
Why did the U.S. White House send away the guard dogs?
ANSWER: Because they were chasing the QUAILS and pissing on the BUSHES.
**
Two old women are sitting on a park bench in the pouring rain. The one old women lights up a ca cigarette and begins to complain about how hard it is to smoke in the rain. The other old woman plsout her cigarette and lights it and then places it inside a rubber condom.
"What's that ?" the first old woman asks.
"Well..." replies the second, "Whenever its raining like this I just put my cigarette into thisndom and it keeps the cigarette from getting wet."
The first old woman really likes the idea so she goes to the pharmacy and asks the clerk for a of condoms. "What kind of condoms do you want?" asks the clerk.
"We have lubricated condoms, french tickler condoms, coloured condoms, small, medium, and largezes". "Aw, it doesn't much matter", replied the old woman, "just give me a box of condoms that arelre enough to fit a Camel in 'em".
**
One day about a month ago Prime Minister Mulroney was looking for a call girl. He found three such ies in a local bar: a blonde a brunette, and a redhead.
He said to the blonde, "I'm the Prime Minister of Canada, how much would it cost to spend the nt with you?
Her reply was $100.00.
He then asked the brunette how much she would want and she replied $500.00. Then he asked the head.
She replied "Mister Mulroney, if you can lift my skirt as high as my taxes, get my pants down aow as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the times are, and drive it as high as the mortaerates, keep me warmer than my apartment and screw me the way you do the people of Canada, it wont os you a God damn cent".
**
So this group of friends decide to have a different kind of party. They decide to have a costumarty in which all the guests dress up as EMOTIONS. So the first guest arrives and is all dressed i e. He exclaims "I'm ANGER!" Then the next guest arrives all dressed in green, thus exclaiming "I' JALUSY!". A little while later a third guest arrives. This guest is a black dude with no clothes n, n fct the only thing he's wearing is a pear on his dick. "Well now...", says the host "what areyou? So he black dude
replies,
"I'm FUCKIN' DIS-PEAR!"... In that case says the host as he reaches for the Christmas custarnd ripping his clothes off... "I'm FUCKIN' DIS-CUSTARD!"
**
A little boy and his parents are going through the zoo. The little boy passes by a bull elephant's pwhile the elephant is taking a leak. "Mommy what's that?" he says pointing at the bull elephant's
penis. "That's nothing" replied the mother. A few minutes later his
Daddy returns with popcorn,while his mother slips into the bathroom the little boy edges his father r to the elephant's pen (who is still pissing)... "Daddy, what's that?". "That's a penis, son", hi
father replies. "Well how come Mommy said it was nothing?"...
"That's because your mother's a little spoiled,son".
**
A little boy is home with his big sister for the weekend. The first night he stumbles past his siste room and notices that she is stark naked and rubbing her private parts yelling; "I Need A Man - INe A Man". He shruggs his shoulders and returns to his room to play Nintendo games. The next nighthes assing his sister's room again when there, upon the bed she's doing the same thing (only loude) ad aay he runs off to the safety of his own room and his Nintendo games. On the last night of hi weeend t home with his big sister he returns from playing outside and wishing he had a new bike t go rding round on, he is walking up the stairs again. This time he
hears his sister screaming,
"Yes - Yes-YES...", as he walks past his sister's room he sees there
is in fact A MAN on top of his sister (making grunting noises)! Immediately he returns to his room. throws off his clothes. He leaps on his bed and strokes his private parts yelling... "I Need A Bik Need A Bike!..."
***
This housing development firm hires on a couple of new guys, and puts them to work by putting them iharge of getting the roof finished, all that is
left is to hammer on the shingles. The big cheese takes them to the job
site, and gives them the necessary equipment and drops them off. Just
before lunch, the boss comes back to check on their progress. He looks up
and notices the one guy pulls out a nail from his nail pouch and hammers it
in, pulls out another nail, throws it away, pulls out another nail, hammers
it in, pulls out another, throws it away. The boss is getting pretty
choked, cause this new guy is throwing away half the nails! So he climbs up the ladder himself and s over to the guy, and says "Hey! What are you doing throwing away half the nails for?" He replis"hey are no good to me. When I pull them out of my puch, if the pointy part is pointing the wron wy,I throw it way!" The Boss is so furious, he says "You dummy! Those are for the other side oftheroo!"
***
Whats the first thing an esquimalt girl does in the morning?
Goes home.
***
What does an esquimalt girl do to attract guys?
Puts her ankles behind her ears...
***
Why do you have to fuck an esquimalt girl before she is 12?
So that when she screams..she really means it!
***
Why do you have to fuck an esquimalt girl twice?
Just to make sure that it was a shitty lay.
***
What do Esquimalt Kids get for Christmas?
Langford kids bikes.
***
What's the first three things you say to an esquimalt girl?
Cheque's in the mail...I'll still respect you in the morning...and
I PROMISE I won't cum in your mouth!
***
These two guys who are roomates, are at the beach, trying to pick up girls. The one guy always getsgirl, everyday! and the other guy, never gets one. He is starting to feel down, and askes his rooaeif there is something he is doing wrong? His roomy says, I use a potato, you should try one too. Tkethis potato and stuff it in your pants, and the girls think you got a big one, its guaranteed. yo wil get a chick..
Next day at the beach, the two of them go down to the beach, and the stud
picks up a chick again, and loser guy finds all the girls laughing at him
instead of just ignoring him, and he still didn't get a chick. at the end of the day, he asks his ro what he did wrong, cause the potato still didn't work, and the roomy replies, "Well, first of all o gotta put the potato in the front..."
***
How To Know You're Growing Older:
1. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
2. The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hittin your bifocals.
3. You feel like the night before, and you haven't been anywhere.
4. Your little black book contains only names ending in M.D.
5. You get winded playing chess.
6. Your children beginning to look middle-aged.
7. You finally reach the top of the ladder, and you find it leaning against
the wrong wall.
8. You join a health club and don't go.
9. You begin to outlive enthusiasm.
10. You decide to procrastinate but never get around to it.
11. Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
12. A dripping faucet causes uncontrollable bladder urge.
13. You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
14. You look forward to a dull evening.
15. You walk with your head held high trying to get used to your bifocals.
16. Your favorite part of the newspaper is TWENTY-FIVE YEARS AGO TODAY.
17. You turn out the light for economic rather than romantic reasons.
18. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
19. Your knees buckle but your belt won't.
20. You regret all those temptations you resisted.
21. You're 17 around the neck, 44 around the waist, and 105 around the golf
course.
22. You stop looking forward to your next birthday.
23. After painting the town red, you have to take a long rest before applying a second coat.
24. Dialing long distance wears you out.
25. You are startled the first time someone calls you OLD-TIMER.
26. You remember today that yesterday was your wedding anniversary.
27. You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
28. The best part of your day is over when the alarm clock goes off.
29. You burn the midnight oil after 9:00PM.
30. Your back goes out more often than you do.
31. A fortune teller offers to read your face.
32. Your pacemaker makes the garage door go up when you watch a pretty girl
walk by.
33. The little old gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
34. You get all your exercise being pallbearer from your friends who exercise.
35. You've got too much room in the house and not enough room in the medicine cabinet.
36. You sink your teeth into a steak and they stay there.
***
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