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BLaH Magazine #16
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BLaH ? ? ? ??? ? ?
File ??? ? ?? ????? Written August 5th, 1992
#016 ? ?ig ?ong ??? ?nd ? ?airy
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Presents
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"The Fine Art of BBS Warring"
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Constantine
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Originally descended from the archaic rites of Oriental blademasters,
the BBS flame-war represents both the epoch and the nadir (look that up in
your Fuck n' Wagnalls) of computer culture. It can be a battle of wits
between worthy opponents, each building on the last's insult to reach
repartee of classic proportions. Or, more often, it looks like this:
#1: You suck. You suck big donkey dicks.
#2: Yeah? Your MOM sucks big donkey dicks. And YOU suck big donkey
dicks.
#1: Well, you still suck.
#2: So do you!
Sad picture, isn't it? This file is the beginning of an eventual
tutorial on the fine art of BBS warring. Read and learn, but remember
the ancient Oriental proverb that likened the warrior's wit to his blade--
both, it is said, may cut a tin can in half, but only the wise man will
still be able to slice a tomato.
CHOOSING YOUR VICTIM
Most BBSes that allow warring have a special base set aside for
the purpose. If so, don't piss off your sysop by taking it outside the
base-- that makes the war personal, and can get a LOT of people upset
at you. With that in mind, scan through the messages and look for a
suitable victim. Let's say that you read this:
#1: You make me retch with pity for your pathetic attempts to attack
me, you bile-licking, phlegm-drinking, mucuous-drenched excuse for
a Bee-Gees fan.
#2: Yeah? Well, you suck big donkey dicks!
Hmmm.. #1 has been doing this for a while, and he seems rather
literate. Probably a local heavyweight, and more than a challenge for
a first-time warrior. #2, on the other hand, is such a pushover that
anyone challenging him would have to be the kind of person who kicks
stray animals.
#2, right? I would, too. This is called "getting a notch on
your gunbelt".
THE INITIAL ATTACK
If you are attacked on a flame board, then you're in luck- YOU
get to make the response, and the burden is on the attacker. If not,
you're going to have to throw the first punch. When composing your
insult, make sure that you don't have any glaring loopholes that a crafty
opponent can exploit-- wordplay is the name of the game. The first attack
is a dangerous position, but sooner or later, you'll be in the most
comfortable place..
DEFENSE
That's right-- unlike many sports, the BEST place to be in a
flame war is on the defense. Why? Because your opponent has just HANDED
you a post to rip on, and the worse a fighter he is, the more openings
there will be for YOU. Simply break down his insult, turn it around,
and throw it back at him. Here is a VERY simple example, a classic
"mama/yo mama" counter attack:
#1: Hey, your mom is great in bed.
#2: Is that what YOUR mom told you?
Rather than refuting the actual statement, the warrior lets the
main "sting" go in favour of building on the insult and rebounding it.
Keeping your cool is paramount-- the kind of person who gets upset by
a flame post (which are usually not personal) and starts whining about
it to the sysop is the kind of person who shouldn't HAVE a modem in the
first place.
SUMMARY
In short, be nasty and have fun. The BBS flame-war is one of
the most honorable and time-tried contests between computerists (most
of whom are smarter than the average Joe), and well worth experiencing
first-hand. I am currently devising an actual rules-set (involving
scoring and a referee) to bring this art form into a higher ground,
and will make it available freely to all when it is completed-- until
then, keep on flaming.
[Guidonote: I have warred with Connie before, it is a treat, heaping insult
upon insult. Have fun and go with it!]
{---End of File... Safe-T-Nutz v0.90? says "4988 Bytes Total"---------------}
Yah, well, lick my love pump you weasel-mammaried plot of sloth dung..
For BLaHfiles, old, current and new, call these fine BLaH <sigh>ts...
Nun-Beaters Anonymous | <780>251-5094 | 110/16.8k
Hell Bound | <708>965-8965 | 2400/14.4k
The Insane Asylum | <305>927-3028 | 2400/16.8k
The Realm of Death | <419>475-3089 | 2400/16.8k
BLaH : "We're not as original as you think"
{---Propaganda Line, stand in it to get some potatoes...--------------------}
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