|
|
 |
|
|
|
register |
bbs |
search |
rss |
faq |
about
|
|
|
meet up |
add to del.icio.us |
digg it
|
|
|
|
Slime tails 10/83
.
SLUG TALES
"The Sound of One Lobe Napping"
.
======================================================================
Vol. 4, #8 Special Defense Department Issue October 1983
======================================================================
Exclusive ST Report:
.
M A S S I V E C O S T O V E R - R U N S ! ! !
SLUG TALES has uncovered shocking evidence which demonstrates that
recent reports of cost over-runs on defense contracts have barely
scratched the surface of the situation. An exhaustive 24-hour-a-day
non-stop audit of Defense Department records, lasting nearly sixteen
hours, revealed three outrageous practices:
- In the name of "high tech" and minituarization, the Pentagon
has spent billions on "weapons systems" which are, in fact,
children's toys.
- Many defense contractors simply purchase cheap merchandise
off the department store shelves and resell the items at
inflated prices.
- As a temporary cost-containment measure, the Defense
Department has entered into high-interest-rate leasing
arrangements on equipment vital to the nation's security.
.
PENTAGON SPOKESPERSON RESPONDS TO CHARGES...
.
Although reluctant to respond to these charges initially, the Pentagon
finally allowed an on-the-record interview with Admiral
Gerald Rygg, who was said to have first-hand knowledge of the scandal.
Admiral Rygg confirmed that many items in the U. S. arsenal are,
in fact, children's toys. "Believe me," stated Rygg, "we were
really steamed when we first found out about this." But, according
to Rygg, the anger has abated. "They may be toy weapons, but they're
the best damn toy weapons the world has to offer."
The misunderstanding apparently developed when Pentagon brass signed
huge contracts for Cruise missiles and SR-71 spy planes. "They
brought in these little places and they looked great -- real state-
of-the-art stuff. Sure, we signed the contracts, but all along we
thought they were showing us models -- not the real planes we were
spending millions on!" The military purchased 200 of the planes
at a total cost of $769.2 million.
While initially unenthusiastic about the toy planes, the CIA was soon
reporting intercepts of High-Level Soviet military officers hotly
debating "the dangerous toy plane gap." Rygg explains, "They weren't
quite certain why we had so many toys, but it made them awfully
nervous about not having any of their own. So we just played along,
too. Man, you should have seen the CIA intercepts when they saw
our 'Return of the Jedi' stuff -- scared the red crap right out of
'em!"
CONTRACTORS RESELL ITEMS...
One of the most surprising things to the Navy was the discovery that
much of the equipment being purchased from contractors was actually
purchased at department stores and resold to the Navy. Rygg
acknowledged that Navy investigators concluded that the typical
mark-up in such cases was around 1,700%. Rygg reluctantly confirmed
the details of at least one such incident uncovered by the SLUG TALES
investigative team.
In late 1981, the Navy was needed sophisticated radar equipment
for its new Trident submarine. (Incidentally, the Trident, sponsored
by the sugarless gum of the same name, was the first weapons system
named for a consumer product in the Reagan Administration's "public
partnership with the private sector" program.) The radar contract
called for delivery of 20 systems for a total cost of $34 million.
When the radar units finally arrived, no one thought the "Video-
arcade II" logo on the units was anything more than a joke. And while
radar operators themselves made no complaints, their Donkey Kong and
Frogger games took their attention off their duties sufficiently to
be implicated in the loss of three nuclear subs in a two-month period.
"We tried to sue 'em: no dice. So then we tried to get them to fix
the things or take them back -- but the contactors told us that
Sears' wouldn't service them as the warrantees had expired," concludes
Rygg.
HIGH INTEREST CREDIT USED....
With tens of billions of dollars down the drain on toys and video
games, the Pentagon found that it had painted itself into a corner.
Budget deficits zoomed and Congress became suspicious of Defense
spending, the Pentagon brass faced a huge cash-flow crisis. "Let's
be frank," Rygg confided, "you can't spend fifty billion on Masters
of the Universe action figures and then waltz over to Congress and
ask them to buy REAL weapons too. We were in a hell of a spot."
"I was in Seattle, visiting Boeing and Woolworths, you see. Things
looked real grim. After an evening shooting the breeze, I sat down,
kicked back with a few Beamers, and turned on the TV for a re-run of
"Hellcats of the Navy" -- you know, the movie with both Ron and Nancy
in it. I was working on a pretty good buzz by the time the first
commercial came on. There was this lady sitting at a desk, with
nothing but a file cabinet behind her. Her words were as sweet as
honey:"
"Do you have trouble getting the things you want? Are
you in the military, on welfare, or have you had credit
trouble. You can get the things you want. See us at
National Furniture, where you rent to own, and credit
really isn't a problem."
"I took down the number at the end of the ad and called the next
morning. The interest rates were ridiculous, but when all was
said and done we could just about scrape together the payments for
everything we needed. Of course, I feel foolish about it now -- do
you have any idea what 22% annual percentage rate interest is on
a nuclear aircraft carrier?"
As a post-script to this story, Rygg still feels that the lease-to-
own aircraft carrier was a matter vital to national security, "It's
ours now, and I'm damn proud of it."
----------------------------------------------------------------------
(paid advertisement)
.
WHEN LITTLE SCHLEEM GOES TO BED TONIGHT,
THE ONLY CHIP HE'LL HAVE IS THE ONE ON HIS SHOULDER"
.
Schleem, like so many children, went to bed tonight without a home
computer. In fact, computers are so far from his world that he
thinks that "byte" is something you do to food.
Think about it, and help us with your contribution. The World
Silicon Children's Relief Fund, 366 I/O Way, Santa Clara, CA 94590
- A Program of the Data Project, W. E. Enterprises -
----------------------------------------------------------------------.
A S K M R . J I M B O B
-------------------------------------------
Advice for People Who Ought to Know Better Than to Ask...
.
Dear Mr. Jim Bob:
I know everybody always says this, but I really am at my wit's end!
Our daughter Jane has been upset for months because we don't have
the money to send her to college. She says that all her friends are
going and that without college she'll have nothing to look forward
to but a dead-end life. Lately she's been planting subtle hints,
like turning up the sound on the United Negro College Fund ads and
glaring at us when the ad says, "A mind is a terrible thing to waste."
But don't get me wrong, you're not dealing with a guilty parent. You
see, Jane isn't exactly college material. Let me be blunt: the
brightest thing on her mind is her pink mohawk. Don't think me proud:
her dad and me aren't too far above the old intellectual poverty line
ourselves. What can we say to let Jane know that college isn't the
life meant for her? - Ivy Glucose, Sewerspoint, NJ
Dear Ivy: As you can imagine, hardly a day go by when I don't get a
letter just like yours. And, as much as I'd like to shore up the low
end of the bell curve my own son will be graded on, I do have some
advice. Just ask your daughter to consider these facts:
.
- Like Jesus and Buddha, Bob Marley never attended college
- Richard Nixon and James Watt and Henry Kissinger all
have said, "College made me everything I am today."
- For the cost of a single year's tuition at an Ivy League
college, your daughter could purchase 4,000 Ramones
concert tickets
- A recent survey of PhD's in cultural anthropology found
the largest single percentage were honing their
powers of cultural observation as night managers
at fast food restaurants.
.
I hope that you find this information helpful. - Mr. Jim Bob
.
=====================================================================
SLUG TALES is published on an irregular basis at the Rancho McHrab
Satire Preserve located north of Beautiful Bothell, Washington. This
is a reprint of a popular vintage issue. You are free to copy and
distribute this publication as long as its content is not altered.
.
© 1989 - Steve McCallister
.
Current issues of SLUG TALES daughter publication, Sublime Slime,
are available in print on line about every two months.
======================================================================
|
|
|
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.
totse.com certificate signatures
|
|
|
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
|
|
|
|
|
|
