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Toxic Custard Workshop Files #26- #30
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
*********************PARTS TWENTY-SIX TO THIRTY*****************************
(Written by Daniel Bowen, Monash University, Melbourne Australia)
______________________________________________________________________________
Stutter A-l-l-lert
T-T-T-T-T-T-T-O-O-OXIC
C-C-C-C-C-C-C-CUSTARD
W-W-W-W-W-W-W-WO-WO-WW-W-W-W-WORKSH-SH-SH-SH-SHOP
F-F-F-F-F-F-F-FUCK OFF THE LOT OF YOU, ST-STUTTERS AREN'T FUNNY
Number 26. 8th December 1990.
AND NOW, HERE IS THE NEWS FOR SMILEYS :-)
- Well known smiley personality Guy Smiley (see artist's impression,
above) of Sesame Street fame has been arrested on obscenities charges.
- A network committee will look into the recently high population growth of
smileys on Internet. They will in particular be looking at the high migration
of smileys into NetNews, and the alarming incidence of homeless smileys in
rec.humor.
NEW! FROM REAL-LIFE TOYS PTY LTD "ActionHuman" (tm)
Fully moving limbs! Total realism! Available in male or female
configurations, in a range of ethnic stereotypes!
- they walk!
- they talk!
- they listen to Milli Vanilli!
- they scratch themselves!
- they watch television all day!
- they pay taxes!
- they get pissed and go drunk-driving!
ALSO AVAILABLE: "ActionEarth" (tm) - authentic landscape for ActionHuman.
- place your ActionHuman on ActionEarth, and he/she will charmingly work to
destroy his/her own environment, cutting down trees, creating CFCs, and
generally having a good time.
- put two or more ActionHumans on ActionEarth, and they will argue over
bits of it, eventually blowing the shit out of each other, and
completely obliterating ActionPlanet as well.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
NEW TELEVISION SERVICES
Agreement has been reached to set up a new range of specialised television
channels. A consortium headed by PUN-TV Services will run the following new
cable-channels. They are designed to be of interest to particular groups in
the community.
- Channel Channel - (Previews of what's on the other channels)
- The Chanel Channel - (French perfume users)
- Chunnel Channel - (live coverage of the Channel Tunnel project)
- Flannel Channel - (cleaners' news)
- Flannelette Channel - (headbangers music channel - in association
with Bogan International Corp.)
- Funnel Channel - (plumbers news)
- Tunnel Channel - (programmes for miners)
- Panel Channel - (programmes featuring game-show panels)
- Penal Channel - (prisoners' television)
- Canal Channel - (for those interested in barges)
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ASMUTH SHIPYARDS PTY LTD - Invoice 3 Jan 4021BC
Client: Noah
Contract summary: Ark - to build ark big enough to contain entire Noah
family plus their pets. Complete before it starts raining.
Completion date: 29 Dec 4022BC
$ c
Materials:
- Wood 147,263.48
- Glue 18,269.32
- Nails 29,262.97
Labour (incl. union fees, overtime) 893,726.29
------------
Total amount payable 1,088,522.06
"Yes, we can arrange finance" Bankcard, Visa, Mastercard welcome!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
POLITICAL NEWS
Margaret Thatcher has been awarded The Order of Merit. This means that
she will no longer be known as "That fascist bitch-cow Thatcher" but
instead as "That fascist bitch-cow Lady Thatcher".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Coming up soon on the Toxic Custard Workshop Fuckoffthelotofyou...
- TCWF Christmas Special!
- TCWF New Year Special!
- The rise and fall of TCWF
- Shakespeare saves the day again
- "Why do I bother?" asks author
Comments, complaints, back-issues, etc etc etc-> [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WELCOME TO DECEMBER! In this the most dangerous of months, when Christmas
is almost upon us, be careful when travelling. For instance, while pushing
your way through the crowds to the check-out during the Christmas sales,
please take care not to squash people flat.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Welcome to the prestigious opening of this new Toxic Custard Workshop File by
HRH the Duke of Kent. He will shortly arrive by double-decker elephant, and
present a banana to the Prime Minister.
The Prime Minister will then make a toast... oh, sorry, make SOME toast,
and add to it some butter made from east-Peruvian goats' milk. The
Governor-General will then put on his ballet frock and dance to his favourite
Metallica record. The Duke will then stand on his head while shouting "PING",
while the crowd serenades the local eels with a rendition of "I Did It My Way".
Three dozen journalists dressed in ceremonial robes will then do a
war-dance to the great god Murdoch, while a collection of ten million green
bottles is inspected by the Prime Minister, who will cry into most of them.
The author will then be called on to do the traditional "dish drying"
ceremony, and will cease typing this mindless drivel into the keyboard.
YOU ARE WATCHING=================================================Rating:Average
*** *** * * * *** TOXIC NUMBER WRITTEN
* * * * * * CUSTARD TWENTY-SEVEN BY
* * * * * *** WORKSHOP SEVENTEENTH OF RAYMOND LUXURY-YACHT
* *** ***** * FILES DECEMBER 1990 [email protected]
===============================================================================
MEDICAL COLUMN
(And no, it's not a stupid joke that goes something like:
M
E
D
I
C
A
L At least, I hope not. No, certainly not. We'll have none
of that el-cheapo humour here. Not unless I can't think
of anything else. Well, this joke seems to have been
completely spoiled; we'll return to it later.)
TELECOM AUSTRALIA PRODUCT ANNOUNCEMENT
Have you ever wondered how certain people manage to ring-up at the
most inconvenient moments? That's because they have been working on
a test project for Telecom. The result, which is now publicly available
is WRONGTIMEPHONE!
WRONGTIMEPHONE checks to see if the person you are about to ring
is in a position to answer the call, and if so, aborts. WRONGTIMEPHONE
is especially engineered to ring up people when they are
- asleep
- just sitting down to dinner
- on the toilet
- in the shower
- doing the dishes, wearing those rubber-gloves that take 15 minutes to
wrench off
- in the garden, not quite out of earshot of the phone
- having sex
- watching the climactic bit of the latest mini-series
- just going out
- waiting for a very important (other) phone call
- desperately searching for a video-tape to record the latest video-clip
of their favourite band on the television
MEDICAL COLUMN
Recent research into peoples fears has revealed a number of new
phobias:
- Ticketphobia - the fear of losing your train-ticket when the
ticket-inspectors get on
- Humorphobia - fear of not being able to keep up with all the new
articles in rec.humor
- Phobiaphobia - the fear of being afraid of something
- VAXphobia - fear of Vax VMS commands
- Toxicphobia - fear of Toxic Custard Workshop Files (they can be vicious)
- Duckphobia - fear of ducks
- Hibiscusphobia - fear of malvaceous tropical plants
- Porkphobia - fear of pork - very common in Israel
WORDS OF WISDOM
University lecturers are people who have a profound influence on our society.
They are people with a message; a message that the world should listen to. Here
are just a few pearls of wisdom from university lecturers.
"Talking... is like a dance..." A.Blucher 15/3/90
"Select one from the number of balls in your container" C.McCann 23/7/90
"Moses was a manager" H.Eisen 30/7/90
"I've got a bloody 'E'! What's that - a bowl
of goldfish? That's a bloody 'E'!" G.Faux 7/5/90
"The Great Wall of China was a massive exercise in management" H.Eisen 30/7/90
"Stimulating initially, but you can't keep it up forever"
R.Redpath on programming 6/8/90
"Take me to your owner" R.Redpath 31/7/90
"5 to 7 is a good size - a good size results in high
satisfaction" R.Bergmann on discussion group sizes, 1/10/90
"Languages... sounds a bit like sandwiches..." R.Redpath 31/7/90
"Don't abuse your pointer" A.Blucher on C programming 2/4/90
Feel free to send in any other words of wisdom from your lecturers, for
future publication here.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This has been the TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES number 27. Hope you didn't
enjoy it. Complaints, comments, lecturers' quotes, back-issue requests etc
to [email protected]
Next issue on December 24th. Have a nice womble.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW AVAILABLE:
The "Discover Your Personal Hygiene" de-odorant gift-pack.
_______________________________________________________________________________
Seeing as you're all going away for Christmas, here, a little early, is
===============================================================================
Toxic====== === == ==== == ====== ==== ======== ===
Custard======= ===== ====== = = == ============== == === ====== ==
Workshop====== ===== ====== = = == ======= ==== ====== =
Files========= ===== ====== == ========= ======= === ======= ===
28============ ====== === == === ========= === ======= ==
21/12/90=======================================================================
Eight-five from Oscar Sierra, come in.
EIGHT-FIVE RECEIVING.
Reports of a man on the roof of number forty-seven Nicholas Street. Can
you deal please?
RECEIVED OSCAR SIERRA. INVESTIGATING NOW.
* * *
Whatcha got there, Quinnan?
FOUND 'IM ON A ROOF, SARGE.
Okay, bung him in an interview room, Inspector Sideburn wants to talk to him.
* * *
WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE?
I wasn't doin' nothing
OH YEAH? ON SOMEONE'S ROOF IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
Honest. Look, I was...
AND HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET THOSE REINDEER UP THERE?
I wasn't doing any harm
OH YEAH? DO YOU KNOW THAT ONE OF THOSE REINDEER DROPPED A "DEPOSIT"
ON OUR SQUAD-CAR?
Well, you probably frightened him, with that siren and flashing lights.
THEN IT FELL THROUGH THE ROOF OF THAT FAMILY'S HOME.
Oh, I'm sorry.
YOU WILL BE PAL. THAT'S CRIMINAL DAMAGE. AND YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD
ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING THERE.
I was going down the chimney.
AH! BREAKING AND ENTERING!
No, it's not like that at all.
RIGHT. SO WHAT DID YOU INTEND TO DO DOWN THAT CHIMNEY?
I was going to go up to the kids' bedrooms.
ARE YOU SOME KIND OF PERVERT?
No, no. I'd go up to their beds, and...
DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING?
leave gifts in their stockings.
DO WHAT?
I leave gifts in their stockings.
YOU DISGUST ME. YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR TYPE IN PRISON?
No, no. Gifts. Presents. Toys.
WHAT KIND OF WEIRDO ARE YOU?
I give things to people.
YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THIS CRAP? YOU'RE TELLING ME, YOU COME ALONG
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, WITH SOME REINDEER AND A SLED, LEAVE THEM
ON THE ROOF WHILE YOU CASUALLY GO DOWN THE CHIMNEY. YOU MAKE YOUR WAY
UP TO THE CHILDREN'S BEDROOM AND PUT GEAR IN THEIR STOCKINGS?
Yes Inspector.
YOU DON'T BELONG HERE.
Oh, thank you.
YOU BELONG IN THE BLOODY FUNNY-FARM.
HEY... I DON'T SUPPOSE I COULD HAVE A NEW WALKIE-TALKIE?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
LAST MINUTE CHRISTMAS GIFT SELECTIONS
- Lego (tm) Crucifixion scene model
- Santatrap - for all those annoying pests in your chimney
- Christmas music - features 100 songs to sing along with - get rid of
those relatives fast!
- For the socially aware person - woven wallet handcrafted by socially
downtrodden Indian lepers [NB. I'm not joking about this one]
- The ultimate for the Christmas shopper - Roboshop - will do all your
shopping for you next year; killing anyone who gets in the way
of *that* bargain.
* Over this Christmas, don't
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *** catch any incurable diseases.
Merry Christmas everyone, ***** Catch them on New Year's Eve
and a happy New Ear. ******* instead.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ *********
| And we'll be telling you the
##### most FASHIONABLE diseases to
##### catch this January, next in
the TCWFthingy on 31st December.
This has been a Luxury-Yacht Production
1990 All socks reserved.
(can I stop now?)
_______________________________________________________________________________
Late, late, late, for an unimportant date
____ __ __ __
| | | | | | | | | | | | TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
|____ | | ____| | | | | | | | | NUMBER 29 - The New Year's
| | | | | | | | | | | | Notveryspecial. 31/12/90
| |____| ____| |__|__ | |__| |__| | * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
The Toxic Custard Workshop Files would like to wish you a
HAPPY NEW EAR!
Okay, okay, so it's late. But it's not my fault.
The absolute honest truth is that I was stuck in a ten-day-long orgy
that started at Christmas. It had nothing to do with the fact that
our computers went down unexpectedly. The only warning of this given
was on the logon message, which said
"This system will NOT be going down over the Christmas and New Year
break."
It still does, come to think of it. So much for System Managers; I take
back what I said in TCWF25.
And now, on with the file.
NEVER let it be said that I submit to blackmail. On the other hand,
when DEMANDS are made by certain parties in Texas...
"JULIUS CAESAR", Act 1, Scene 2
-------------------------------
[Enter Caesar, Antony, stripped for the course, Calphurnia, Portia,
Decius, Cicero, Brutus, Cassius, Casca, a Soothsayer, and after them
Marullus and Flavius with the communal gherkin, and a crowd estimated
by police to be at least ten thousand following.]
CAESAR: Calphurnia!
CASCA: Peace, ho! Caesar speaks.
CAESAR: Calphurnia, where the bloody hell are you?
CALPHURNIA: Here, my lord.
CAESAR: Stand you directly in Antonius' way,
When he doth run his course. Antonius!
ANTONY: Caesar, my lord?
CAESAR: What did that last line mean? Tell me, I can't remember.
ANTONY: I shall remember:
When Caesar says `do this', it is performed.
CAESAR: Get on with it then, and leave no ceremony out.
[Music, `Anarchy in the UK', by the Six Apistols]
SOOTHSAYER: Caesar man!
CAESAR: Ha! who calls?
CASCA: Shut the fuck up, all of ya!
CAESAR: Who is it in the press that calls on me?
I'll only talk to you if your not from a Murdoch paper.
Speak, Caesar is turned to hear.
SOOTHSAYER: Beware the ides of March.
CAESAR: What man is that?
BRUTUS: A thoothayer bidth you beware the idth of March.
CAESAR: Have you got a lisp, Brutus? Set him before me, let me see his face.
CASSIUS: Fellow, come from the throng, look upon Caesar.
CAESAR: Yo man, what's happenin' bro? Run that by me again.
SOOTHSAYER: Beware the ides of March.
CAESAR: He's drunk, let us leave him: pass.
Anyone got a dictionary there? Right. Look up ide!
CASSIUS: Icon... icosahedron, icterus,
ictus, I'd, id, ah! Ide - see id. Hmmm okay.
id, ide, ns. a fish of the same family as the carp, inhabiting
fresh water in Northern Europe.
CAESAR: "Beware the fish of the same family as the carp of March"?!?
BRUTUS: Methinkth he wath ath pithed ath a newt.
CAESAR: Well, all the same... Calphurnia! Cancel the fish-fingers tonight;
we'll call out for a pizza. C'mon; almost time to watch "I, Claudius"
on the telly.
[The procession leaves]
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
AND NOW, SWEET REVENGE...
TOXIC TRADING POST
24pin dot-matrix printer. Will swap for a stained glass window or an
example of 14th century sculpture. No cash! Call KS now!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
You have been reading TCWF 29, brought to you by the letters `M', `O',
`R' another `O' and an `N' for good measure. TCWF is a production of
the Toxic Children's Television Workshop. Comments, complaints,
back-issue requests etc to [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
COMING SOON:
- We preview the game of January 15th between the Desertshield
Yankees and the Saddam Giants.
- The Sybok love-hexagon saga
ALL OR SOME OF IT OR EVEN MORE LIKELY, NONE, IN TCWF 30 - ON MONDAY 7TH JANUARY
IF THE SYSTEM DOESN'T GO DOWN AGAIN OOPS I WASN'T MEANT TO SAY THAT, NO NO NO
THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT
_______________________________________________________________________________
Life begins at 30
| | ' '
\ \ ` \ | ' / / '
` /
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_ ## ## ## # ## ## - _
- ## ## ## # ## ##### -
- ## ## ##### ## - _
_ ## ###### # # ## -
/ ' Toxic Custard| Workshop Files ` \
/ ' Number 30|- 7/1/91 | \ `
' | | ` `
MEET THE K.G.B.
Following the spread of Glasnost throughout Europe, the KGB will open
its doors next week to the public for an open day. The new "caring"
KGB wants to show you how they are no longer trying to being the onset
of the demise of Western civilisation. Call into your local KGB
hideout today to find out more details. Or drop into an American
embassy or government office, go to a wall and shout into it that you
want more information into it (remember to say your address as well).
A coded leaflet written in invisible ink will be despatched to your
home by the next post.
During the KGB Open Day, you can see:
- the very latest in bugging equipment, now available for commercial use
- this winter season's umbrellas, all specially imported from Czechoslovakia
- new developments in high-velocity bullets
- for the kiddies - try out the torture chamber on your little sister!
Call now, on (**) ***-****
GALACTIC TELEPHONE COMMISSION - INTERPLANETARY DIAL DIRECT (IDD)
----------------------------------------------------------------
To Direct Dial: a. Dial 0029, the Intergalactic Access Code, then
b. the planet code, then
c. the country code, then
d. the area code, then
e. the telephone number.
For example, to call the Wangazoon people of Mantanjax 5 in the city of
Froz, dial 0029 - 207 - 17 - 213 - and the local telephone number.
Note that unless you speak Wangazoonian, you may need to purchase an
additional translator module.
Meanwhile, far away in the Andes, the author discovered a piece of parchment
which was found to contain none other than the telephone number he had been
looking for. With a hop, skip and an air-fare, he had arrived at a telephone
box, only to be greeted by a ten-foot-high raw carrot with a handlebar
moustache.
The carrot (which was later found to be made of extruded poly-vinyl
and glouro-wankizade) stood motionless, as he consoled it with a rather
large cricket bat (with a brick attached to one end). And burst into song
with the next bit:
SMILEY FASHION REPORT IN BRIEF
This Summer, short is IN!
So, get rid of your daggy old :-) 's, and start stocking
up on the new, dynamic :)
SPORT REPORT
And now a look ahead to the game of January 15th, between the
Coca-Cola Desertshield Yankees, and the Sadam Giants. The arena for
this showdown will be the Kuwaiti Football Arena, and despite the low
spectator turn-out expected, the worlds' press will be there to
report on the game.
There are threats that the game will be cancelled; rumours persist
that team coaches may organise a deal to split the prize trophy (The
Kuwait Cup) in two. But should the game go ahead, both sides are
confident of victory. We spoke to Yankees coach George Bush from his
club-house in Washington.
"We want that trophy, an' we sure as hell are gonna kick those boys
butts all the way back to their changin' room... And there ain't no-one
gonna stop us!" he said. He denied that there would be a repeat performance
of their last major tournament, when the Yankees lost to the Ho Chi Minh
All-Stars. "It'll only take us ten minutes to prepare, and then we'll be
ready for them."
The Giants coach was unavailable for comment, but a spokesman said
that "if the game goes ahead, we will step on their heads. That is OUR
trophy, and we also demand that the Arafat United Football Team be
re-awarded their the medal that was taken from them by Shamir Hotspurs."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This has been TCWF#30, a production of the Confederation of Citizens
against Volvo Parking-lights. Written in its entirety (except for the
letter `a' in the third paragraph) by Daniel Bowen. Complaints, comments
etc to [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
QUITE POSSIBLY COMING SOON TO TCWF:
- An entire joke written exclusively for the American market
- Othello and Desdemona have a minor domestic squabble over the VCR
_______________________________________________________________________________
To subscribe to the Toxic Custard Workshop Files, mail [email protected]
--
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Daniel Francis Bowen | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
----THE TOXIC-CUSTARD-WORKSHOP-FILES-----| you to pull over...
[email protected] | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
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