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Toxic Custard Workshop - #41 to #50
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***************************THE BACK ISSUES**********************************
*************************FORTY-ONE TO FIFTY*********************************
(Written by Daniel Bowen [email protected])
______________________________________________________________________________
And the world looks just the same
******* **** * * ****** Number 41
* * * * * 25th March 1991
* * * * * **** Rating: Below average
* * * * * * *
* **** * * * Written by Mr Luxury-Yacht
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES [email protected]
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear customer,
Congratulations on the purchase of your new camel.
This is the amazing new model C-5000 camel. Especially developed for the
lunatic with the technological edge over the rest of the asylum. Your new
camel has been manufactured and tested by the supreme commander of Allied
moustaches in Washington DC. Please read this manual carefully, it will save
you a great deal of time, money and bloodshed in the future. Here are some
important tips to read, before using your C-5000 Camel. This advice tells
you what to do if-
- if your camel suddenly dies, leaving you in the middle of the desert with
no food or water or other supplies-: Not a lot.
- if your camel suddenly dies, leaving you in the middle of the dessert in
a very good restaurant-: Call the head-waiter and ask him to have
the camel carcass removed.
- if your camel unexpectedly has a break-down-: Call a specialised camel
psychiatrist and repair-man immediately. A full list of authorised
service organisations is included in the special supplement which
is mysteriously missing from this package.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
VIDEO-RIP-OFF STORES - OUR VIDEO GUIDE
Our video reviews have a key, as follows.
***** Completely and utterly brilliant, borrow it every week for the
next five years.
**** Excellent viewing, borrow it lots of times.
*** Most enjoyable viewing.
** Worth watching - borrow it once, at least.
* Absolutely bloody awful, but well worth spending $3 on borrowing
it to see just how awful it is.
In addition, all movies are rated according to content:
(C) - Children's viewing... plonk them in front of this and it'll
keep 'em quiet for a few seconds.
(G) - General viewing... the stuff you borrow when your parents/grandparents
have come to stay.
(PG) - Parental guidance; may have minor itsy bitsy scenes of suggested sex
and violence. See (C)
(M) - Mature viewing (15 and over). May have quite crude language (anything
except the C word), quite a bit of sex and violence, but
the kids will love it, even if it does scare them shitless.
See (C).
(R) - Restricted viewing (18 and over). Contains scenes of vile and filthy
language, orgiastic sex and/or gratituous violence with
people and/or animals being torn apart with blood and guts
everywhere. See (C).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
POLICE AND FIRE-FIGHTERS' OLYMPICS
It has been announced that the 1994 Police and Fire-Fighters' Olympics
will be held in Melbourne, Australia; the first time this event has been
held outside North America. Police spokesman Inspector Unnecessary-Violence
said a number of new police events will be inaugurated:
- syncronised drug-raids
- moving armed-target shooting
- the 110 metre crowd-control hurdles
- the 52x400 metre relay truncheon-beating (this event will be the first
from the games to be televised around the world)
- incorrect suspect shooting
- the 400 metre interrogation and forced confession
- smashing down doors with axes
The Fire brigade will also be introducing some new events:
- the high-jump assisted by long ladder
- the long-distance rescue from a burning building
- smashing down doors with axes
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ladies, gentlemen, a toast please, to the forty-first Toxic
Custard Workshop File. Now available, volume 1 of the
bestestestest of TCWF. Mail [email protected]
for details. Discerning readers who considered this TCWF to
be a good vintage may also marvel at the equisite taste
of Rocket Roger. This week - Roger battles the evil forces
of the injoke-a-troids. Mail [email protected]
for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Please note: rumours are afoot about charges to be made on
network e-mail. This may effect TCWF; stand-by for details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
______________________________________________________________________________
A NOTICE TO ALL USERS OF INTERNET FROM THE INTERNET ADMINISTRATION COMMITTEE.
The recent increase in mail activity around areas of Usenet, Janet, Bitnet,
Aarnet and other associated networks on Internet has caused some concern.
Because of the high amount of traffic, it has been decided that from the
beginning of April 1991, all users wishing to use mail will be charged a
weekly subscription rate. This will entitle the user to send five items a
month; any additional items will be charged for, the charge depending on the
user's location. In addition, all users will be charged for NetNews articles
they post, depending on length of the item. Further charges on ftp, telnet
and other activities are yet to be discussed.
Because of the number of different currencies used by various people on
Internet, and the fluctuating values of these currencies, it has been decided
that the unit of currency on Internet used for paying for e-mail will be
old orange-peels. To be authenticated, you must take your orange-peels
to your system administrator, who will, for a standard fee, rubber-stamp
the peels for use as Internet currency to pay for network services.
Alternatively, you may participate in the Internet credit-card scheme,
NerdCard. When using Internet, all you need to do is quote your NerdCard
number and password, and your account will be adjusted accordingly.
As the Internet is often seen as many nodes being poles apart, these charges
will be known as the Pole Tax.
TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES
SPECIAL HOLY ISSUE (lots of holes in it)
NUMBER 42, 1ST APRIL 1991 (which commemorates some day or other, doesn't it?
I forget now.)
WRITTEN BY DANIEL BOWEN. [email protected]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
*A MESSAGE FOR EASTER FROM THE MEN OF THE CLOTH*
Moses did bring down the commandments. And the Lord did reveal unto him
the ways of holiness. Moses did tell all the people, that it should be
known and practised by all. And the secrets were thus:
Printed fabric is always liable to retain a small amount of surface dye
especially on deep colours. PELACO 3:11
Before wearing it is recommended that the garment be washed separately
to remove any surface dye which may be present. PELACO 3:12
The devil is carefree! He just throws everything in the washing machine!
Let all be warned; if you ignore the Lord's warning about the laundry,
not only will you end up in hell for eternity, but your underpants will
come out purple.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Rodney Franks, leader of the cult church group Rod for God, have announced
a new initiative to get The Word across to the masses. They plan a chain of
drive-thru confessional booths in major cities across America. We interviewed
Rodney at his Alabama mansion err convent.
"We have to find new ways of getting people back to the Church" he said.
"The young people of today must realise that they can be holy AND have fun
sinning, as long as they confess afterwards. By opening our booths 24 hours
a day, it allows people to indulge in pleasures of the flesh in their cars at
night on secluded roads with kinky underwear or whatever disgusting but
rather fun behaviour they get up to, and to confess about it straight
afterwards."
According to some sources, the Rod for God group will also be asking the
police department to help stamp-out dangerous driving by installing road-signs
saying "Thou shalt not exceed 40 MPH".
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
EASTER
The past weekend is an important occasion for Christians, but why the link
between religion and rabbits and Easter-eggs? Our raving reporter Arnold
Psychopath has been looking into this and has discovered that God is in fact
a chicken. He tracked God down to a small farm north of Ballarat, and
interviewed the owner of the farm, Mr Ronald Christ.
"Yes, in fact God is a rather old chicken, who lives in one of the
hutches at the eastern end of the farm", Ronald confessed. "The chocolate
eggs thing just seemed like a good idea at the time. The rabbit link comes
from God's good mate (Saint) Peter Rabbit, named after the Beatrix Potter
character, who also lives down that end of the farm. We had thought of
selling God to Kentucky Fried Chicken, but Kentucky Fried God doesn't quite
have the same ring to it. Besides, I don't fancy a few lightning bolts
hitting the farm - it is the bushfire season right now you know."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I suppose you were expecting me to make a big
song and dance about it being number 42? No
such luck. I mean, it would have been taking
a very cheap opportunity to have some obscure
reference to an old radio series, just by
making stupid jokes about the ultimate
question. The closest thing you'll get to that
from here could be the amazing adventures of
ROCKET ROGER. Just mail edb393gbp3@vx24 for
details.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next week: The ultimate quagmire. The best
of TCWF vol 1 (1-30) is now available. All
responsibility for this crap is taken by the
very boring [email protected]
Responsibility for the stupid username is
taken by Monash University Computer Centre.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
(Douglas Adams? Never 'eard of 'im)
______________________________________________________________________________
--Hey, it's number 42, can we have lots of Hitch Hikers references?
-----You fool, that was last week!
--You mean we missed it? Damn.
-----Well, I s'pose we could... erm.. How about this?
# # ##### ## +--TOXIC------------+ by Daniel Bowen
# # # # # | CUSTARD | [email protected]
##### ##### ##### # | WORKSHOP +-----------+
# # # # | FILES |
----#-#####--------###-+ Number 42+1, 8th April 1991 +----------------------
--No, that's totally useless.
-----You sure? I kind of liked it.
--No, it's garbage. Scrap it.
-----Ah, okay then. Try again.
# # ##### +--TOXIC----------+ by Daniel Bowen
# # # | CUSTARD | [email protected]
##### ##### | WORKSHOP +-----------+--Special thanks to---------------
# # | FILES | Lori Boren Berget
----#-#####--+ Number 43, 8th April 1991 +----------------------------------
--Much better
-----Yes, you're right
LOOK, WILL YOU TWO PISS OFF? RIGHT. NOW I CAN GET ON WITH IT.
HELLO! YOU DISTANTLY RELATED COUSIN'S GOAT OF A BAVARIAN MOUSE-TRAP
INSURANCE ASSESSMENT AGENT.
And if you'd like to see about insurance for your Bavarian mouse-trap, call
TrapInsurance today. They will give you a free quote, and can also offer a
range of policies on used biro lids, old batteries and three-week-old
newspaper supplements.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Having trouble keeping appointments? Can't remember what time the invasion is
scheduled for? Trying to keep track of the massacred? Want to find the best
type of fuel for burning down parliament buildings? Try the new THIRD REICH
1000 YEAR DIARY PLANNER - as used by 9 out of 10 dictators.
It has ample room to contain all the information you and your followers
need to know. Space to store attack formations, rally appearances and kinky
sexual liaisons. Plus a bonus informative section containing full details of
how to run a totalitarian country. It's all there - gaining power, media
manipulation, looking good in the eyes of the West, civilian genocide on the
quiet and annexing for beginners.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"A Midsummer-Night's Dream", Act 1, Scene 2.
QUINCE: ... you must needs play Pyramus.
BOTTOM: Well, I will undertake it. What beard were I best to play it in?
QUINCE: Why, what you will.
BOTTOM: I will discharge it in either your straw-colour beard, your
orange-tawny beard, your purple-in-grain beard, or your
French-crown-colour beard, your perfect yellow.
QUINCE: Quite a choice, but have you seen the new range at Beard City?
BOTTOM: Nay, I have not.
QUINCE: The Winter season's beards have just arrived at Beard City, and
if you come in now, we'll give you five beards for the price of
four. And not only that, but you can check out our large range of
false moustaches.
BOTTOM: But hast thou a beard for Pyramus?
QUINCE: Sir, we have the largest range of beards in the southern
hemisphere! From our bargain Chadwick and Hinch models, right up
to the classical Da Vinci style and the top of the range - the
Jesus.
BOTTOM: I fear for the quality and steadfastness of the product.
QUINCE: Fear not, our beards are made to last! Beard City's beards are made
of only the finest materials, constructed under supervision by expert
craftsmen! And our beards come with a lifetime guarantee!
+-----BEARD CITY - BEARDS FOR THE CONNOISSEUR-----+
|If this beard proves to be defective in |
|materials or workmanship, it will be replaced. |
|Note: Beard City will not be liable for any |
|injury, loss or damage, direct or consequential, |
|arising out of the improper use of, or the |
|inability to use, this beard. |
| |
|Beard City recommend and stock sharp razorblades!|
+-------------------------------------------------+
BEARD CITY - "Keep your chin warm this winter" sale, now on!
Biggest range, best prices, all sizes available.
4 Napier Street, Essendon
Phone 370-5538 or 375-2999
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
TCWF this week is brought to you by Beard City.
Next week, a load of crap. Now (still) available,
the Bestest(etc)est of TCWF Vol 1. To get your
copy, mail [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some would call it space-junk, but the author (who
is holding a loaded pencil to my head) prefers to
call it Rocket Roger.
To subscribe, mail him at edb393gbp3@vx24
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
All responsibility for Monash usernames is taken by
Monash University.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
______________________________________________________________________________
Mediocre
_________
| ______ \ \ \ \ Spa date: 15th April 1991
| / \ \/ \ \/ Location: The planet Plagiar
| | \ / ___ \ /\ \ /\ Mission: Yes
| | \ /\ / | \/ \ \/ \ Agent: No thanks, I just ate
| \______ \/ \/ |-- \ \ Due date: Tomorrow. Late fine
Toxic Custard Workshop Files 44 /--\-----\ \ is 50 cents/day. After 7
15th April 1991 |SPOT THE| days, borrowing privileges
Written by Mr Luxury-Yacht |IN-JOKE!| will be suspended.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - \--------/ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We would just like to point out that it was
suggested that the end bit be put here for
once, to try and fool everyone into thinking
that there was nothing in this week's TCWF.
Oh, come on, do you really think anyone would
be fooled? Not bloody likely.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attention Frankston line passengers. The 4:38pm train to Frankston is
running twenty minutes late due to the driver having decided to stop at
Armadale and clip his toenails. Besides which, staff at Metropolitan Train
Control felt a bit thirsty and have all gone to Young & Jacksons for
drinkies. In addition to this, staff at this station have been working a
double-shift, and are consequently going home as they are absolutely
buggered. There will be no trains tomorrow due to most of the staff being
extremely pissed off with management, and going to the Australian Railway
Union picnic in the Royal Botanical Gardens, instead of turning up to run
the train system.
Metropolitan Transit apologises for any inconvenience.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- Good morning, Toningwash Body-bank, Spare-parts division; Lance Oribone
speaking.
--- Hello. I lost my nose on the 4:34 city-bound train yesterday, and I
was wondering if it had been handed in?
- Well sir, let me just check the files... a leg... a couple of toes...
five arms including a matching pair... and one ear. No, I'm sorry
sir, I don't think we have your nose.
--- Oh dear. I was very attached to it.
- May I suggest ringing around some other establishments who may have
received your nose? You could try the Eltteas General Hospital,
or perhaps the National Association of Nose Collectors, who I
believe have a very large collection.
--- Well, thank you for your help. I wonder if one of them could have it?
- Who knows?
--- Oh ha ha ha, very bloody funny.
- I'm not surprised; you'd better get a band-aid.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
TERRORIST ATTACK ON CONVENTION
A terrorist bomb attack on the Inaugural World Convention Of Traffic Wardens
has resulted in the deaths of over 200 traffic wardens. Some 3000 terrorist
organisations have claimed their involvement in the attack, obviously
wanting to take all the credit. The bomb, which was planted in a car, was
set off by a traffic warden lifting one of the windscreen wipers to place
a ticket on the car. Political and public outrage has centred on why the
attack didn't kill more traffic wardens. I mean, if you've got the nasty
little creeps all in one building like that, surely a bomb actually set
off within the building would be better for getting rid of all of them?
Except the ones patrolling the carpark outside, still, perhaps a sniper
for them... or if we poisoned the catering? Oh no, I forgot, they aren't
human, the poison might not work. A booby trap in the hotel lobby could be
a better idea; with flying knives... no, no, a specially designed spear
that could drop onto their beds while they're asleep... What do you
mean the RSPCA will object?!?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A lot of people
This is the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. Well, have enquired as
that's about all we've got time for this week. to why this side
We'll be back next week with number 45. of the screen is
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ not used during
Now (still) available is the bestestest of TCWF these plugs and
Volume 1; mail [email protected] so on. Oh, well,
to receive it. okay then, no-one
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ asked. It was just
Under new galactic legislation, we are required a silly idea to
to provide a plug for the increasing boredom of fill in a bit of
Rocket Roger - The Space Operetta. To receive space, that's all.
it, mail [email protected] Sorry for the
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ intrusion.
Good evening, it's 8:30 on W-TV, Arizona's only 24 hour weather TV station!
Next we've got the weather for Arizona, followed by the weather for Arizona,
and after that, the weather for Arizona. At 9pm, there's the weather for
Arizona, the weather for Arizona, and the weather for Arizona. This will be
followed by the extended weather report for Arizona at 9:30. At 10pm it's
International Hour, and we'll have weather reports from around the world,
including Arizona, Melbourne Australia, Arizona, Halifax Canada, Arizona,
Warrington England, Arizona, outer Mongolia, and finally, Arizona. Note that
all Centigrade temperatures are accompanied by Fahrenheit subtitles. And
don't think it's bedtime then, because all night on the Weather station we've
got Arizona weather reports.
And now, here is the weather for Arizona. Arizona will be bloody hot. More
weather right after this break.
______________________________________________________________________________
Looks a bit pretentious doesn't it?
WARNING:
This mail can be
dangerous for the brain.
It has already left the
author braindead.
##-------##--##########--T---O---X---I---C---------C---U---S---T---A---R---D--+
## ## ## |
########### ########## W O R K S H O P F I L E S |
| ## ## |
| ## ## N u m b e r 4 5 - 2 2 n d A p r i l 1 9 9 1|
| ## ########## by Mr Luxury-Yacht [email protected]|
+-----------------------------------------------------------------------------+
The Whydeath International Megabucks Drugs Company is proud to announce new
MagicPill. This exciting new development in medical care has been especially
designed to cure lots of people of not a lot, and make huge amounts of
money for us. MagicPill does have one slight side-effect which is that
roughly 1 in 5 patients will experience sudden death under a lorry within
15 seconds of swallowing the pill. We of course deny any link between these
tragic occurrences and MagicPill. Because there is no link. In fact, we've
never heard of this phenomenon. Where do you get these wild exaggerated claims
from? This sort of illogical and unrationally moral accusation is totally
unfounded, and unsupported by any scientific evidence that YOU can get your
hands on.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
M E G A B O G U E !
Megabogue have announced the forthcoming release of their new heavy-metal-
opera. It's the story of a deaf, dumb and blind heavy-metal loving Englishman,
and will be called "Pommy".
"See me, feel me, touch me, bonk me senseless!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
It was true. The writer had forgotten him completely. Calendiar fought back
the sea of tears like Moses on a good day, and made sure his cliche was
loaded, before moving off down the hall towards the llama corpse. He bent
down to find a used banana lying by it. Could it be, he thought, another
of the infamous banana murders? How had they happened? Who was responsible?
What did he care? He was just the caretaker. He had to get to the bottom of
it, and he did. The bottom of the llama was fairly disgusting, as the bottoms
of many mammals are. Especially when they're dead.
Calendiar looked around. A telltale sign here... a small mark on the
wall there... it was shocking. It definitely looked like a job for the
Pine-o-Cleen. But Calendiar was in trouble. He was in very bad trouble.
Not to put too fine a point on it, he was in bloody deep shit. It had vanished
completely. Where was it? He looked around again. No sign. How in the hell was
he supposed to clean up a dead llama, a used banana and all these telltale
signs and small marks on the walls if he had no sponge?
He listened.
Footsteps.
Shouting.
Screaming.
Yelling.
Unbearable noise.
Would those bloody neighbours never shut up?
Calendiar rang the police five times to complain about the noise, and
each time instead got the all-night Chicken Laundry place around the corner,
whose prime place in the retail market of life was not domestic noise
complaints. Not during the week, anyway.
Calendiar sighed deeply, and wished it would all end.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
THE INTERNET PHONE BOOK OF SILLY PEOPLE
Bestest of Toxic Custard... [email protected]
The highly silly and lowly amusing adventures
of Rocket Roger... [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Monash Caulfield/Frankston: Check out the Naked Wasp, Page 37
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Next week: Something else.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Right now: Golf Report.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
GOLF REPORT.
(I'm sorry, that should read "GOLD REPORT". Try again.)
GOLD REPORT.
(Excellent, now get on with it.)
Here is the gold report. A double-bogie has prevented Greg Norman from taking
out the Melbourne Stock-Exchange charity cup for retired and unwanted
destitute company directors. Doctors operated last night on his nose and
removed the double-bogie, which was apparently blocking his nasal packages.
Did I say packages? I meant passages.
During the charity game, American golfer Freddy Holmstringer got an eagle
on the fifth, which was barbecued and eaten on the seventh.
______________________________________________________________________________
Revolting and/or disgusting
ABSOLUTELY OFFICIAL AND TOTALLY
GENUINE GOVERNMENT WARNING:
This file can damage your brain, and
may result in horrible worms crawling
around inside it and maggots and
weevils eating bits of you, in scenes
as revolting as the horrible
bits from "The Tin Drum".
-----------------\
# # ### TOXIC \ Upholding a tradition in stupid Ascii title headings.
# # # CUSTARD-----> AS SEEN IN THE NAKED WASP
### ### WORKSHOP \ by Mr Luxury-Yacht, [email protected]
# # # FILES \----------------\ But it's not my fault. Much.
# ### Number 46, 29th April 1991 \-----------------------------------
A meeting of the world's biggest oil companies has finalised a plan to
restart the Gulf War by donating funds to Saddam Hussein. Delegates at
the meeting were told it would help keep world oil prices up. An oil(y)
executive said, "we think this is a good move for the world. And us in
particular. Besides our humungous profits, think of all the jobs it will
create in the defence industries and journalism, and the lessened effect
on the atmosphere due to no-one except us being able to afford to drive
cars."
When it was pointed out to him that the burning of oil-fields due to
the war was possibly one of the worst ecological disasters this century,
he replied "ah yes, but that wasn't our fault! Anyway, that Saddam's a
really nice bloke, and we said please, and he guaranteed he won't do it
again. Not only that, but he won't even gas the Kurds. Well, not much,
anyway."
The US government and its allies objected to the move until they
were told that the Allied forces would also be sponsored by the oil
companies. This will involve the placement of oil company logos on
strategic weaponry and other hardware. Amongst the other sponsorship
deals organised, the helicopters will be sponsored by Mobil, the new
TXjet fighters (see TCWF #36) by Texaco, the navy by Caltex, the guns
by BP, and the shells by Shell. Exxon will sponsor the body-bags.
The FBT (Fucking Big Tank, see TCWF #36) has failed to be sponsored,
and will not be used, as the oil companies are concerned that this would
bring victory to the Allies too soon.
US officials announced a range of new jobs available in the defence
industry as a result of the decision. A new company, partially funded
by the government, known as Death Killing And Mass Destruction For
Christianity Against Them Goddamn Iraqi Scumsuckers Pty Ltd will be
formed to help construct and maintain the various weapons used by US
forces.
The Pentagon also announced the formation of a new ground battle unit
of the US Army. It consists of Sylvester Stallone and a film crew, and
will fight its way into Southern Iraq, destroying everything in sight. A
spokesman reported "If Sly can't kill enough of them muthas himself, the
special effects people will help." With cinema ticket sales predicted in
the millions, the operation is expected to be an astounding military and
financial success.
One of the plans that will not be accompanied by a film crew is a
scheme to dress troops up as giant ducks, in order to surprise opposing
forces. A White House spokesman commented "While they're laughing their
heads off, we'll shoot their heads off." Before being restrained, he also
commented (or perhaps screamed is a better description) "We'll bloody
murder those fuckers! We'll chop them up into little bits with our
chainsaws, scoop up the bits into big crates and send them by Comet
courier to Baghdad! And then we'll get vicious!!" The spokesman was then
escorted out of the press room by two heavily armed giant ducks.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Next we were going to have a bit of U.G.H. (Under-Graduate Humour)
involving the usual amount of foul language involved in such scribblings.
However, due to the previous article raving on about F.B.T.s, the Toxic
Custard Workshop has used up it's entire "fuck" quota for this week. Oops,
there goes another one. Now we're over-budget. And if we use up too many
four-letter words, next week we can't use any! How terrible that would be.
At this point I would go into a list of authorised frequencies for
various profanities, but we've just about exhausted our entire budget for
this week, so I can't! Oh well. Damn. Oh shit, there goes another one.
Anyway, aren't we offending the more refined readers of this drivel?
No, I didn't think so. But only because we haven't got any. Fact is, I
would bet that the majority of TCWF readers are currently beached in front
of a computer terminal. That's the type of person that reads this muck!
Don't try and run away and pretend you weren't reading this! We all saw
you!
Now for more textual vomit..
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
This bit cancelled.
Purely due to lack of
space, you understand.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We all saw you reading the Toxic Custard Workshop
Files, so don't try and deny it. The above section
was not a criticism aimed at Monash University, but
has vanished mysteriously anyway. Maybe next week?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Still available for those who haven't bothered to
ask for it yet; The Bestestest of Toxic Custard
Volume 1 - mail [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The even more moronicly stupid cousin of TCWF -
Rocket Roger, is still going strong (when will they
ban this junk?) - [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
______________________________________________________________________________
MONASH UNIVERSITY COMPUTER CENTRE - MODEM DIAL-UP SERVICES
Users of the Greater Monash University can now access the computer systems
via modems 24 hours except when they are out of order. All four campuses
are equipped with dial-in lines which under normal circumstances should be
either engaged or not operational.
Your modem and communications software should be set up to operate in
8-bit mode with no parity and 1 stop bit. Except when it shouldn't. Which
may or may not be the case when and if you are using the dial-ins.
Modems at Clayton Campus can utilise the MNP-4 error correcting
protocol. But don't. 'Cos to be honest, we haven't worked out how to turn
the bloody things on yet. If anyone has any ideas, please tell. Well, they
were a job lot going cheap without manuals, you know how it is...
###--###-########-TOXIC----+---------------+----------------------------------
###--###------###-CUSTARD | Number 47 | by Mr Luxury-Yacht---------------
#########-----###-WORKSHOP | May 6th, 1991 | [email protected]
-----###------###-FILES----+---------------+----------------------------------
-----###------###----------+----Every week: make it you sense knows camel-----
---AS-SEEN-IN-THE-NAKED-WASP--------------------------------------------------
Mafia boss Alfredo Cappucino has evaded capture once again. The forces of
good were narrowly defeated at a "Capture a Mafia Boss" charity soccer
match held in Milan. A combined Interpol Police team failed to score
against the heavily armed Mafia United Soccer Club League Enterprises
team. Just after half-time when the referee awarded a penalty Interpol's
way, the Mafia team made good use of their violin cases, resulting in the
first European soccer match ever in which the teams were more violent than
the crowd. The performance was described as the best since the Berlin
Philharmonic's "Eine Kleine Nacht Musik" one memorable evening in 1978.
Conductor Hans Goldberg was in fine form, his thighs glistening in the
moonlight as he strutted his stuff in front of an estimated crowd of
90,000 confused football hooligans. Afterwards, a crowd of over two
thousand of them went on a rampage through the city, setting fire to
garbage bins and throwing up on people's cars, and chanting bits of
"Carmen". They were stopped in their tracks near the city-centre by the
entire Berlin Philharmonic, who, making their second appearance in this
paragraph, dispersed them with water canons.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
US President George Bush has changed his usual practice of being
surrounded by security men and is now surrounded by medical men. White
House officials assured journalists (who were apparently sick with worry
about the president's health) that the situation was only temporary, and
that the president would not shortly be surrounded by six blocks of wood
and quite a lot of dirt.
Dan Quayle was relieved to hear this.
Though he didn't know what it meant.
The security men who had been surrounding Bush and are now surrounding
Quayle were also relieved to hear it, as the entire Secret Service has
actually run out of ammunition since the CIA '91 Annual Hoover Memorial
Rabbit Hunting trip last week. The CIA deny that the trip included the
ritual hunting and slaughter of communists that has occured in previous
years. But only because they couldn't find any. However, suspected
communist rabbits were a suitable substitute, and a special vacuum squad
will be sent to the area to de-bullet it before next year's trip.
Bush meanwhile was taken to the very nice Bethesda Naval Hospital near
Washington. While treatment at the hospital is not valid for Medicare, he
apparently still doesn't have to pay for it. Just like you can't book a
holiday to fly on Air-Force 1; you have to be a little bit privileged.
Aides have denied that he has been seen in the company of sailors,
even medical ones, and have scoffed at rumours that Barbara Bush has been
seen in the company of Frank Sinatra. In fact, they laughed their heads
off when it was suggested. "No no, that was Nancy Reagan", they insisted.
In fact, some enterprising ex-White House officials have reportedly been
making a killing with blue movies of the couple filmed on the White House
video security system. Entitled "Nancy and Franky - Red Hot in the House
of White", it's available on Aifam Home Video for only $29.95.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The first section was not a criticism aimed at Monash
University. Honest. Just me taking the piss out of
them. 'Cos in truth, those chaps up in the Computer
Centre; they're great blokes; salt of the earth.
Wonderful people, every one of them. Oh God Mr System
Manager, please don't wipe my account!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now available, the best of Toxic Custard-:
- Volume 1 - the best of 1-30
- Volume 2 - the complete adventures of Mr Popsicle
To get these, simply Reply to this mail!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Those of you who have enjoyed this crap may also
react to Rocket Roger, another product of the Monash
University House of Comedy. To get it, just mail
[email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
-------------------------------
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen
--
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN / DISCOGRAPHY: You may also
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia / enjoy listening to a floppy disk
[email protected] / called DSHD. You won't hear much,
[email protected] / but people will stare at you.
STOP PRESS:
The White House has just announced that George Bush will leave hospital
shortly.
In a box.
______________________________________________________________________________
Tedium rare
Competent mail user of the week: J McA, for best
mix-up over the R and r commands in Unix mail.
Can YOU tell the difference?
And now for the incredible shrinking title:
_
TOXIC CUSTARD |_| |_| by Mr Luxury-Yacht [email protected]
WORKSHOP FILES | |_| Number 48 13th May 1991
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Fascist Fuckwits Federation (F.F.F.) are proud to announce the 1991
annual picnic, march, loot, and desecration of non-Aryan graves next
Tuesday, weather permitting. BYO army boots. Normal skinhead dress will
be expected. Brains will not be required. The planned schedule for the
day is:
11am - Meet in the park
Noon - Lunch
1pm - Racist speeches
2pm - Swastika tattooing, and head-shaving for the kids
3pm - Spontaneous march through the city demonstrating about how
the Jews, wogs, chinks, Japs and all their filthy foreign
friends get all the best jobs and stuff, just 'cos they're more
intelligent and better qualified. It's a conspiracy against
the supreme race of the world! Us!
During the picnic, the FFF will have various stalls organised, where you
can buy Nazi flags, Union jacks, Nazi earings, skinhead wigs, Nazi
headbands, air-tickets to South Africa to help our white brothers rid
their country of the undesirables, Nazi bumper stickers, old copies of Mein
Kampf, and the latest in neo-Nazi fun for the kids- the plastic inflatable
Jew (matches supplied).
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Well, I guess I've run out of ideas for this week's TCWF.
I'm gonna go watch the news. Back in a mo'.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Good evening, you're watching ABC News, and I'm... I'm... I'm sorry,
the autocue machine seems to have vanished. And the top news story tonight
is the big autocue theft scandal. Yes, all over the world, autocue machines
have gone missing. Dubbed "the autocue thief" by police, someone who steals
autocues, has stolen some autocues. I could keep babbling like this for
half an hour, but I'll cross, live to our reporter on the scene, on the
other side of the studio, Katy Voxpop. Katy.
Thank you.. erm.. I'm sorry, I forget your name... umm.. it's thingo, isn't
it.. c'mon, we had lunch in the canteen just a few hours ago... Ri.. No no,
it could be J.. no no, I can't remember. Isn't it crazy; you know someone
for years and as soon as there comes a time that you have to say thank you
to them on national television, you forget their name. I mean it's stupid!
Anyway. Thank you. Police investigating the autocue theft are also looking
into the disappearance of several microph...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Suddenly, with malice of forethought, Calendiar burst triumphantly into
the file, the blaze of fire surrounding him. He stood triumphantly, and
triumphantly thrust out his groin to try and look butch, before sauntering
to his destiny. He was back. And while the minor details such as plot were
not yet sorted out, it was true that Calendiar's image was unsurpassable.
The threat, though vaguely littered with banana references, was not obvious
yet, and Calendiar had to be content with looking like a hero, but not
being able to use his undeniable skills against a definite enemy. Calendiar
was a professional hero. Only trouble was, he'd got himself stuck in a shitty
little production which would do nothing to enhance his public image. It was
all very well to write dynamic stories about the secret service (minus the
homosexual romps in custard), but this kind of thing was puerile.
Calendiar slided into the custard, looking for clues. He went under,
managing to avoid the writhing secret service agents around him. He could
see little through his goggles, which was just as well, and felt his way
down to the bottom of the pool of custard. Nothing. He went back up to
the top, and buggered off. So to speak.
He went to a cheap restaurant, one of the ones that had just installed
a special "dish dirtying" machine, so you'd KNOW it was cheap when you
ate there. Ordering a salad (to quick march into his mouth), he noticed
it. The mysterious banana motif on the waiters aprons. Not just a normal
average painted on logo, or a toxic plastic thing stitched on, but the
actual remains of a long-half-eaten banana.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Bestest TCWF compilations: - Vol 1 (1-30)
- Vol 2 (Adventures of Mr Popsicle)
To receive, Reply (that's capital R for Unix mail(x) users!).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The mysterious cousin of TCWF, Rocket Roger, is available from
the Mad Scribe.. mail [email protected]
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Go away, I've had enough of this for one week.
______________________________________________________________________________
Meanwhile...
TCWF 49'ER... ERR...ERMM.. UMM..
__ ___ ***************************** __
/__ / \ / / / * TOXIC CUSTARD * \ \ / \
/ / / / /__ * WORKSHOP FILES * \__\_ \__/\
\_/ \__/ \_/\_/ / * Number 49 - 20th May 1991 * \ __/
*****by*Mr*Luxury-Yacht******
MOTOR RACING
A new development in motor car racing was announced today; one that will
revolutionise grand-prix, touring, and motorcycle racing. In recent years,
vehicles have been daubed all over with advertising slogans for sponsoring
companies. It was discovered recently that the paint and stickers on
vehicles actually accounts for a great deal of extra weight on top of the
actual car itself. Therefore, all teams have announced that from now on,
NO advertising will be put on cars, saving up to 5% on lap times from
lighter vehicles.
Sponsor messages will be limited to the pit-crew's jackets. This
means, of course, that all the vehicles racing will be plain white, which
may cause some confusion. But the teams hope to have this sorted out soon
by having them identifiable using a number of different patterns and
colours, including plain colours, stripes and polka-dots.
Meanwhile, the Frod Motor Company has announced a new breakthrough. The
plasticine motor car. Whilst the chassis of the car is normal, the
bodywork is entirely plasticine, meaning easy adaptation from sportscar to
station-wagon to luxury limousine. And while the car has had some problems
in high wind, with both air-bubbles and a strange tendency to fall apart,
Frod are confident that these, as well as the slight safety problems (the
car has been described as "fucking dangerous" by motoring associations)
will be overcome and that this new breed of motor car will be all the rage
in the nineties.
In fact, some of the safety problems have already been solved. New
models will now be made with Silly Putty, which bounces. When hitting an
object, the car will still fall apart in dozens of bits probably killing
the occupants, but it *will* bounce. And there'll be no problems in
cutting bodies out of the wreckage. What's more, a plasticine car is NEVER
wrecked, because a little manipulation of the plasticine will mean it
looks like new!
It was thought that theft of the cars might be a problem, but trials
proved that 97% of all car thieves are intelligent enough to know not to
steal a useless heap of crap like that.
NEW FROD PLASTA - HAVE YOU DRIVEN A FROD LATELY?
Meanwhile, a plan to develop plasticine houses has also emerged. Although
prone to burglary, the house would be cheap, easy to renovate, and even
portable; the whole of it being able to be rolled up into a big ball of
plasticine... bringing a new dimension to the phrase "moving house".
Research on both schemes has been sponsored by the major world
manufacturers of plasticine. While the cars will be made in the USA by
Frod, the houses will most likely be constructed in South Korea.
Meanwhile, in South Korea, the people have once more being protesting
against an oppressive dictatorship, the deaths of their comrades at the
hands of police, and the fact that they are one of the only countries in
the world where Beta is more popular than VHS.
Meanwhile, the United Nations has been forming a plan to impose trade
sanctions on countries still using Beta. The move, put forward by Japan
and the United States, and coincidentally supported by the JVC company,
would mean that UN forces would search suspected areas, hunting out Beta
owners and subjecting them to public humiliation.
The USSR supported the move, the Soviet delegate commenting, "In my
country, Beta owners are laughed at in the street."
The Chilean delegate countered this by saying, "In my country, Beta
owners are taken out and shot!"
The South African delegate mentioned, "In my country, the coloureds
are forced to use Beta. VHS is a white man's format."
And the United States delegate rounded up the discussion, by saying,
"In my country, Beta owners are made to watch PTL."
Meanwhile, the American PTL television network, as a entirely Christian
and virtuous move, has made a huge donation to the Bangladesh relief fund.
The donation, which PTL described as "the gift of life" and "the biggest
gift we have ever bestowed to our fellow man", is of 10,000 videotapes of
sermons given by Jimmy and Tammy Bakker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Now available exclusively to subscribers:
Bestest TCWF compilations: - Vol 1 (1-30)
- Vol 2 (Adventures of Mr Popsicle)
To receive, Reply (that's capital R for Unix mail(x) users!).
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Silly and not at funny though I may accuse it of being, the
related thing to TCWF, Rocket Roger, available from the Mad
Scribe is. [email protected] you should mail.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
______________________________________________________________________________
The Last Post
****************************************************************************
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*****NUMBER FIFTY*****************************************27TH MAY 1991*****
**BY MR LUXURY-YACHT (DANIEL BOWEN)*******[email protected]**
Welcome to the fiftieth TCWF! Yes, we have reached our half-century, as
they'd say in cricket, and the blame falls squarely on YOU, the readers.
Over the past week, tributes have been pouring in from world leaders:
- "The entire world is appalled by the dreadful act"
Javier Perez de Cuellar (United Nations) ([email protected])
- "We are deeply shocked..."
Mikhail Gorbachev (USSR) ([email protected])
- "tragic" Bob Hawke (Australia) (hawkie@lodge.canberra.gov.aus)
- "I found this news absolutely dismaying..."
Edith Cresson (Premier, France) ([email protected])
- "..just appalling" George Bush (USA) (bigboss@white-house.wash.gov)
Stay tuned for more tragedy, coming right up.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ALIEN INVASION IMMINENT
It now known that an alien species has been watching this planet for
several years now. They have sent their scouts ahead, who have infiltrated
much of the civilised world. Thousands upon thousands of them live in our
big cities, inconspicuously placed. They can be found on many street
corners.. watching, ever vigilant. The little green men are among us.
Hidden in our traffic lights. Our raving reporter, Arnold Psychopath,
disguised as a little green man, infiltrated a secret little green man
meeting, at the Guild Of Little Green Men Who Want To Take Over The World.
A little green man army is said to be being raised, armed with lethal
bananas. Many of the little green men present were in fact well known
politicians, scientists, other significant public figures and New Kids On
The Block.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
AND NOW FOR MORE BLACK COMEDY.
Hullo dere! Dis is de Rasta-News! Dah Prime Minister today went down da
beach cruisin' man. He had himself a real mellow time... [Was this just an
excuse to run the Jive program? Probably not. But it sure looks dat way.]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
ROADWORKS:
HUDSON'S ROAD, SPOTSWOOD: The railway level crossing near Spotswood
Station will be closed for track work from 7.30pm tomorrow until 4.30pm on
Wednesday.
BURWOOD AVENUE, HAWTHORN: Burke Road to Burwood Road, closed to through
traffic until about mid-October.
COTHAM ROAD, KEW: Outbound traffic restricted to tram tracks from Uvadale
Grove to Florence Avenue until about January 2007.
MILLERS ROAD, BROOKLYN: Westgate Freeway to Blackshaw Road, road
reconstruction will restrict traffic to one lane each way until about 31
May. A roadworkers' strike will then delay construction another three
months, followed by an earthquake later in the year that will require
complete reconstruction of the area. An industrial chemical accident early
next year will cause most of the western suburbs to become inhabitable for
the rest of the century, resulting in heavy traffic leading out of the
area. In 2032, worldwide pollution will cause the world to end, meaning
widespread panic, the death of the entire human race, and traffic delays
in most areas.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MACBETH, ACT 5, SCENE 9 - WITHIN THE CASTLE
[Retreat and flourish. Enter with Drum and Colours, Malcolm, Siward, Ross,
Thanes and Soldiers]
MALCOLM: I would the friends we miss were safe arrived.
SIWARD: Yes, they were due an hour ago. Damned late trains.
MALCOLM: Macduff is missing, and your noble son.
ROSS: Your son, my lord, has paid a soldier's debt:
He only lived but till he was a man,
The which no sooner had his prowess confirmed
In the unshrinking station where he fought
But like a man he died.
SIWARD: Are you trying to tell me he's dead? At a railway station? A train
accident, or some sort of riot? Or perhaps a football game?
ROSS: Ay, and brought off the field: your cause of sorrow
Must not be measured by his worth, for then
It hath no end.
SIWARD: Well well well, poor old Siward Junior, and I thought he'd get to
play the whole match. I'm gonna have to have a word with that
coach. Where is he, in the grandstand, or on the interchange
bench, down the front?
ROSS: Ay, on the front.
SIWARD: Well, Young Siward had a good game. He's improved his form since
last season, too. But I'll be sorry to see him out of the team.
MALCOLM: He's worth more sorrow,
And that I'll spend for him.
SIWARD: What are you on about? Ah, who's that approaching? It's ol'
Macduff- whatcha got there, 'duff mate?
[Enter Macduff, with Macbeth's head.]
MACDUFF: Hail, king! for so thou art. Behold, where stands
Th'unsurper's cursed head
SIWARD: Jesus Christ Macduff, what the fuck are you doing? Whose head is
that?
MACDUFF: the time is free
SIWARD: You'll be doing time all right if you get caught with that head!
MACDUFF: I see thee compassed with thy kingdom's pearl,
[Enter Inspector Unnecessary-Violence, Sergeant Flatfoot]
SIWARD: Shit, it's the pigs!
INSPECTOR: All righty.. what 'ave we 'ere?
MACDUFF, MALCOLM, ROSS, OTHERS: Siward did it!
SIWARD: You bastards.
INSPECTOR: Okay Siward, your number's up.
SIWARD: I never touched him!
MACDUFF: Yes he did officer, we all saw him go up to poor old Macbeth with
an axe, lop his head off and plant it on me so I'd get in
trouble. Euch.. horrible it was, with blood everywhere. Talk
about "out out damn spot", it was all over the bloody place!
INSPECTOR: Siward, you are under arrest for the lopping off of Macbeth's
head. You do not have to say anything, but we'll probably beat
the shit out of you if you don't cough up, so you may as well
admit it right now. Cuff him, sergeant.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Almost penultimately...
SPECIAL 50TH ISSUE THANKS TO THE PEOPLE WHO MADE THE LAST 50 POSSIBLE:
Me - for writing this crap
Ray Chan - for deciding to write his own crap, but never doing so
thus inspiring this crap
Rolf Benirschke, Scott MacPherson and John Lupien - for letting me
borrow (steal) their crap when I had run out of crap
Raoul McLay, Conrad Leviston, Gareth Seymour - The rest of the real Megabogue
David Holicek - for thinking up the name "Toxic Custard Workshop"
Iain Sinclair - for the cartoons
Lori Boren - for praise beyond the call of duty
Katherine Ramsay - for the modem saga, and not minding too much
Many nameless people - for defending TCWF 17 and 48
Brian Smith - for providing much needed but not very competitive competition
Julia Wilkinson - for the Australian Shakespeare in TCWF 40
James "Kibo" Parry - for the Toxic's Fallen gag in TCWF 31
AND OF COURSE:
William Shakespeare - for being there when you need him
----
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
And penultimately...
WORLDWIDE JOKE SHORTAGE:
Comedians everywhere are suffering due to the worldwide joke shortage. If
you have any spare jokes lying around the house that you don't want
anymore, please, give them to someone who can use them. Don't hesitate.
Jokes over two lines long are tax-deductible.
And finally...
AN ANNOUNCEMENT:
Due to the worldwide joke shortage, and the recent discovery during the
last paragraph that the author doesn't exist, this has been the final of
the Toxic Custard Workshop Files.
--
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen
May be copied or reproduced without permission
provided this notice remains intact.
--
Raymond Luxury-Yacht a.k.a. DANIEL BOWEN | Remember - jumpers are
Monash University, Melbourne, Australia | clothing's way of telling
[email protected] | you to pull over...
[email protected] | [Toxic Custard Workshop]
^
Please note, these addresses only valid until November 1991.
Thereafter, finger [email protected] to find me.
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