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Toxic Custard Workshop - #60
Take 200 grams of politically conservative redneck voter. Carefully
sift out all the brains. Put the remains in a saucepan on a low heat,
add prejudices and stir until thickened. Pop in a drop of raw hatred
and some paranoia and leave to simmer for a couple of elections,
stirring occasionally. And presto! Gun lobby activist!
Or, if you find that totally repulsive, why not try some Toxic Custad?
###### #### ## ## ## #### #### ##### Toxic Custard Workshop Files
## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ##------------------------------------+
## ## ## ## ## #### ##### ## ## Number 60 - 2nd September 1991 |
## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## ## Written by Daniel Bowen |
## #### ######## ## #### #####-------------FEAR NOUGAT!------------+
He was definitely lost. Somewhere. He scoured the horizon. Sand to the I
north (or what, since he had no compass, he would call the north for t
the moment.. just for argument's sake. It might well be east, or south '
by south west, it didn't really matter). Sand to the east. Sand to the s
south of him, and sand to the wes.. oh bugger, had he turned too far?
Was that west, or was he looking north again. No, it didn't really t
matter, because it was certainly very sandy. A bit too bloody sandy. I e
mean, you might think the beach was pretty sandy sometimes, but that r
was nothing to the predicament that Calendiar was in this time. He r
looked around again, longing to be somewhere where the storyline at i
least went somewhere, and where the continuity between episodes could b
be checked. l
Calendiar thought back to the street corner he had been hanging y
around last week, and decided that if it wasn't a figment of his
imagination, then he wished it had been, because he hadn't liked it a
very much. He wondered about wandering, then stopped. He looked down at n
the portable scrabble game he had somehow collected somewhere, for some n
reason which was bound to be explained in the next few lines; probably o
just a cheap way to get a joke. There were only four letters in this y
one; it was an economy version. D A S and N were the letters. i
Calendiar frowned. And who could blame him? Not me. Nor you, I n
suspect. He looked up. Well, at least it wasn't sand. Then he looked g
down, mostly because he hadn't done so yet, and was astonished to find ,
a (this is not the astonishing bit) trapdoor, underneath which was a
short passage (neither is this the astonishing bit) leading to (we're b
coming up to the astonishing bit around about now) a rather nice hotel, u
where he checked in. t
"Hi!" said the receptionist in a poor imitation of either a French
accent. "Welcome to the Hotel Sable. I'm Sandy." I
"So am I", replied Calendiar," so would you show me to my room so I '
can have a shower and get on with the plot?" v
After his shower, Calendiar went down to the garages to find his e
smog-producing phallic symbol, and drove off into the next episode.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - f
o
Sick of going to the shops and paying $1.95, $3.95, $4.95 or whatever r
for goods? Well, the government has finally come up with a way to g
lighten our pockets - the 95 cent coin. It will be shaped identical to o
the $1 coin, but with an 18 degree segment cut out of it. This will t
make it simple for sight-impaired people to identify. t
Two groups, one supporting the royal family, and the other e
supporting animal liberation, have opposed this, saying that it will be n
an act of mutilation of H.M. The Queen on one side of the coin, and the
five kangaroos on the other. The two groups also opposed a proposal w
last year to directly link the value of the Australian dollar to US h
currency, by chopping an 80 degree slice out of all coins. a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
THE SHIFT-CHANGE I
Mornin'. w
MORNIN'. HOW'S LIFE? a
Looks okay from here. These early mornings are tiring me though. s
WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE ON DAY SHIFTS. IT'S BLOODY COLD OUT HERE AT
NIGHT, YOU KNOW. g
Oh? I s'pose I'm lucky then.. it always seems nice and bright when I'm o
around. i
OF COURSE IT DOES. YOU'RE THE SUN. THAT'S WHAT YOU ARE. NICE AND n
BRIGHT. g
Oh yeah. Sometimes I forget. Seen anyone around down there lately?
NOT REALLY. ALL I CAN SEE FROM WHERE I AM IS THAT BIG WALL. t
Ah.. It's funny, I feel as if I can see more and more down there every o
day.
NOT SURPRISED. I HEARD THEY BUGGERED THEIR OZONE LAYER. s
Really? Still, I suppose they know what they're doing. It sure is nice a
to be able to shine down on them a bit more, every day. y
YES, THEY MUST BE A BUNCH OF SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE.
How about you then? Been mooning around? t
YEAH.. LOOK, I MUST DASH. h
Not moonlighting I hope? i
WHO, ME? NAH.. SEE YOU IN 12 HOURS. s
Okay. And I'll see you at that eclipse next week.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - w
e
MANAGER: Jenkins! e
k
JENKINS: Yes Mr Saviour? .
MANAGER: Jenkins, your job is being recycled. R
e
JENKINS: Pardon Mr Saviour? a
l
MANAGER: Your job is being recycled. It's a new government scheme to
save the ozone layer and fudge.. err.. lower the unemployment b
figures. You'll be given the sack as of Monday. But then we'll u
re-employ you on Monday week. Meanwhile, we'll employ Mr Nerd m
here. m
e
NERD: Hello Mr Jenkins. I'm Nerd. Arnold Nerd. r
,
MANAGER: Jenkins, you'd better get back to work.
e
[Jenkins leaves] h
?
MANAGER: [Taking Nerd's hand to shake] Welcome to the Environment
Protection Authority, Mr Nerd.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That was another one of those silly Toxic Custard Workshop
Files. Only this time, it didn't have all those silly
hidden words, like last week. I presume you lot found
them all? Back issues are available via ftp or e-mail. Ask
for details! Also ask about the corny space cereal (yum!),
by my good mate, the Mad Scribe (edb393gbp3@vx24....)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Laugh your guts up at the Monash Comedy
Melbourne, Australia | Revue! Featuring MEGABOGUE live on stage!!
[email protected] | Monash Frankston: 17th Sept; Caulfield 19th
[email protected] | Sept. Entry- Monash $9 others $12.
The gun lobby have announced that they support the legalisation of
nuclear arms for everyone. "It's people that kill people, not nuclear
bombs. So why not buy a nuclear missile for the house? It'll help you
defend yourself against intruders."
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