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Toxic Custard Workshop - #63
### ####### TOXIC Number 63 - 23rd September 1991
### ####### ### ### CUSTARD by Daniel Bowen .-----------------.
##### ### ### WORKSHOP ([email protected]. | megabogue's |
### #### ### ### FILES monash.edu.au) | POMMY |
-----#######---#######-------------------------------------| Coming soon |
`--------MoccaSIN-'
CANNIBALISM AT MONASH CLAYTON
The Cannibalism Party has launched its appeal for votes (please!!!) for H
the forthcoming Monash Clayton student elections. Author's sister and m
Housing and Transport Committee candidate Susannah Bowen said on a m
campaign leaflet that "the only easy, cheap solution to the current .
overcrowding on buses, in Halls of Residence and throughout Monash is .
cannibalism." She would not deny that she doesn't actually want the
job, and would not comment when not asked if her party's ideas were n
influenced by the circulation of the "American Psycho" book around the u
campus. Ms Bowen's brother and incredible superhuman goodguy Daniel was m
expected at the time of writing to stop writing this bit any moment b
now, and to go on to write something funnier. We hope. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - r
The giant boulder came speeding down the corridor, crushing all in its 6
path as it bore down on him, faster and faster. 3
"Well, fuck me!" he exclaimed. "Granite, wouldn't you say, Doctor?" .
"It's hard to say from this distance", replied Doctor Wedge, who .
for convenience sake had lost his accent. "Perhaps as it squashes us
flat, I could scoop a sample out of it for analysis?" T
They stood for several seconds, watching it rolling down the e
corridor towards them. You had to admit, they were being very cool r
about it. But then, *Popsicle* was always cool about things. The Doctor r
was too, usually because he didn't know what was going on. i
*Popsicle* decided that this might be a good time to cease being f
cool about things, and be quite alarmed about things, otherwise there i
was a good chance that were the boulder to get much closer, they would c
both be flat about things. .
"Shhhiiiiiiiittt!" remarked *Popsicle* extremely uncoolly, as he
flung the Doctor out of the way of the boulder and dived for cover, P
unfortunately in the direction of a rather inconveniently placed o
dung-heap. "Well, that's another cheap suit ruined", said *Popsicle*, p
crawling out of the mire just in time to see the boulder disappearing s
off into the distance, and noting that it was bright red; a somewhat i
odd colour for a giant granite boulder. Though he had to admit, he c
thought to himself (and to whoever was reading), that the simple l
occurence of the boulder rolling down the corridor like that was fairly e
odd itself, especially as they were in fact somewhere in F block at
Monash University's Caulfield campus. He could only assume that it was h
in fact a rather overdone piece of ceramics, which had rolled out of a
the fine arts building. t
*Popsicle* noted with superhuman suspicion that he appeared in the h
current issue of the student newspaper (get your copy today, folks!),
then went to collect the Doctor, who, having landed on the floor in one r
of the rooms, was examining the texture of the carpet, and singing to e
himself an old carpet-laying shanty. t
u
"Oh we come with our carpet, hoo-hoo-hooray! r
And our hammer and nails, all ready to lay! n
We'll lay all your carpet in less than a day! e
But if we don't get paid, then we'll take it away! t
h
"*Popsicle*, I may be old and senile, and earning too much money e
from the establishment, but even I can see that the hand you are d
holding out to me is covered in dung", continued the Doctor (and he
was right). "You're filthy, why don't we go and have a shower?" t
"I will. You can keep examining the floor", replied Popsicle, h
pushing Doc Wedge back to it for a closer look. i
"Extraordinary.." said the Doctor when Popsicle got back. "This s
carpet seems to be made of virgin wool."
"Does that mean it's from a sheep that's never been shagged?" i
"We're moving towards shag pile jokes, shall we continue this s
dialogue another time?" s
"Yes, good idea." u
So they did. e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - .
.
- G'day Lenny. .
- Inspector Sideburn.. what do you want? a
i
- Heard any good concertos lately? n
'
dear.. that one's a bit blurred.. and the cat's head got cut off. o
Naughty old Michael with his hedge-clippers, dear dear dear. Look s
at that.. see? That's where the RSPCA man hit Michael. Serves him t
right. Not quite enough light in that one. Oh, there's a big black
streak across the one of the policeman taking Michael away.. o
f
-Yes, that was a mechanical fault, we were having the processing
machine erm.. processed, at the time. i
t
-Ah. This one with the grubby fingerprints.. ,
-Yes, the mechanic reached into where the photos were.. dirt also got a
onto some other photos from a family called Smith, from their holidays n
on Great Keppel two years ago.. y
w
-Oh.. Anyway, in this one Michael had punched the policeman and run a
off down the street, with the police car and me and my camera in y
hot pursuit. Hmm.. looks like the vertical-hold needed adjusting. .
-We'd better wrap this up and think of a punchline so you can piss off Y
out of my shop and I can go and have some lunch. o
u
-Indeed. How much for the photos?
c
-$9.95. o
u
-Okay.. here you go. Oh, while I'm here, I'd forgotten about a set l
of photos of the family up at Great Keppel on holiday, about two d
years ago...
t
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
It is your misfortune/privilege* to have reached the end of l
another hilarious/stupid* episode of the Toxic Custard l
Workshop Files. Back-issues are now available.. ,
e-mail/vomit* for details. (Delete where inapplicable)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ c
o
Well, can we really define "end"? The term "end" is so often u
misconstrued as the final apocalypse, when it may in fact be merely the l
transfer of the life-force to better and greater things. When looking d
at the cycle of life, it's important to realise these things. n
'
-- t
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen
-- y
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Monash Comedy Revue! This Thursday, o
Melbourne, Australia | 19th September at Monash Caulfield! u
[email protected] | Your only chance to see Megabogue ?
[email protected] | LIVE in concert!!
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