|
|
 |
|
|
|
register |
bbs |
search |
rss |
faq |
about
|
|
|
meet up |
add to del.icio.us |
digg it
|
|
|
|
Toxic Custard Workshop - #65
_____ _____
| | TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES 65 7th October 1991
|_____ |____ `'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`
\ \ \ Written by Daniel Bowen, [email protected]
\____\ ____\----------------------------------------------------------
The brain-drain has hit. A
You could tell, couldn't you? Don't answer that. It's basically a c
consequence of assignments. The history of assignments goes back to the t
17th century, when 16th century born French scholar and right bastard u
Francois De'Crepit thought he'd piss his students off completely by a
setting numerous numbers of theoretically useful but practically l
useless exercises all due in a two week period about two thirds of the l
way through what was to become known as the semester. He also developed y
long sentences that had to be read at least twice before they made any ,
sense like the previous one made any sense like the previous one.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - t
h
We live on a most remarkable planet. It's really very nice. Seen any of e
it lately? Anyway, we all know that birds fly south for the winter. So
what do birds down here in the southern hemisphere do? Maybe they fly b
further south. No, then they'd end up n Antarctica (Americans read r
"Andardigger"). So.. in winter, what do birds native to Antartica do? a
Yeah,the penguins. Perhaps they waddle south. They wouldn't get very i
far. And they'd never come back; it's always winter at the poles. n
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
d
CRIME STOPPERS: WANTED r
James Wanton, 17 years old, 175 centimetres tall, wanted for not making a
his bed this morning, leaving an assortment of unwashed dishes in his i
bedroom, leaving his socks and underpants on the floor, and generally n
treating the place like a hotel. If you know his whereabouts, you may
be eligible for a reward of up to $1000 while remaining anonymous. Ring i
Crime Stoppers on 865-5000. s
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
s
We would like to appeal to all parents who own ferocious dogs - please o
think before leaving the dog near the baby. Wouldn't it be better to
leave the baby outside the house? Or better still, have it adopted out. b
Babies can be quite dangerous.. you wouldn't want your best friend to a
get bitten, now, would you? d
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
t
Hello, I'd like to have a look at the Bowater shoes for $49 in the h
window. i
s
- Certainly sir. I'll just get them. What size?
w
Oh.. erm.. It should say on the bottom of my old shoes.. I'll just e
twist my foot around to get a look at them. hmm.. can't quite make it e
out, it seems to have rubbed off.. I'll take a guess at nine. k
,
- Here you are sir, size nine. Please, try them on. My God,
what are they? I
My socks. At least, that's what they smell like. c
a
- Yeuch, how absolutely revolting. You'll just have to sign n
this shoe-damage liability form. If any irremovable stains or '
smells get left in our shoes, we have the right to sue you. So t
there. Thank you.
t
Thanks. Hmm, I'll just go for a walk in them. h
i
- So, trying to steal our shoes, are you? We'll see about that! n
k
No no, I just want to see how they fit.
o
- Huh, sure! I'm ringing the pigs! f
No no, please! Look, they seem to almost fit. I mean, I can feel my big a
toes being crushed to a pulp, and my heels are about to burst out the n
back, and I'm not sure the circulation is getting all the way around, y
you'd better call an ambulance before my feet fall off. Not bad, in t
all. I'll buy them. h
i
- Okay. That'll be $98 please. n
g
$98? They're in the window for $49!
t
- That's $49 per shoe. o
$49 per shoe?!? w
r
- Yes. We do have a third off all prices today, but as you i
appear to be a horrible mutant monster with green stalks for t
eyes (eighty of them), several dozen tentacles, with pus e
spurting out of the top of your head (who wrote this stuff, I
feel ill), and three legs, it will be $98. d
o
Oh. Here you are then, $98. w
n
- Thank you sir. Now get out and never grace this shop with
your aroma again. t
h
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ e
>From the man they called "Oi, you dickhead!" - you have been
reading yet another mouth-sized splodge of a production from s
the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. Back-issues are available; i
reply to this thing 'ere, or e-mail [email protected] for d
details. If you're superlatively unlucky. e
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ .
Is tennis the work of the devil?
Take a look, for instance, at the scores---> S. Edberg 6 6 6
B. Gilbert 2 2 2
--
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen.
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | Toxic Custard Workshop Files
Melbourne, Australia-------------| [email protected]
[email protected] |--------------------------------
[email protected] | All the world's a custard..
|
|
|
To the best of our knowledge, the text on this page may be freely reproduced and distributed.
If you have any questions about this, please check out our Copyright Policy.
totse.com certificate signatures
|
|
|
About | Advertise | Bad Ideas | Community | Contact Us | Copyright Policy | Drugs | Ego | Erotica
FAQ | Fringe | Link to totse.com | Search | Society | Submissions | Technology
|
|
|
|
|
|
