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Toxic Custard Workshop - #70
____ ___ .etirw ot niap a fo ssel yllanigram tuB !da
/ / \ TOXIC CUSTARD WORKSHOP FILES - Number 70 e
T C W F / | | 11th November 1991 - Written by Daniel Bowen r
| \___/ ----------------------------------------------
o
On this Remembrance Day, I'd like everyone to stand up at their t
terminals and try to remember what we're trying to remember to
remember on this Remembrance Day. In fact, on Remembrance Day, we n
should remember all those who died in wars previous to the next one. i
Except in the United States, where it's Veterans' Day, where we a
should try and remember not to forget about those who didn't die in p
wars previous to the next one. And to celebrate, let's all go to the
cinema and watch Rambo 14 - Rambo Remembers His Name. a
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
s
News has filtered through. We're not yet sure what it is yet, but i
we'll be telling you just as soon as we can be bothered to find out.
It reportedly filtered through a sieve, but the sieve's editor has s
prevented any more details getting out, since they're embarassing to i
him personally. They would be viewed as extremely artistic in some h
circles, but he would prefer that the negatives stayed out of the T
wrong hands. Anyway, we've found the news, so here it is.
Reginald Drain, exercise freak and well known gun-fetishist, was .
taken to hospital after tragically shooting off his own penis in bed d
last night. Mr Drain claimed he didn't know the safety catch was off, e
and that the camel had bumped into him after one of the twigs from l
the bucket had got caught in its fur. Police investigating the b
incident commented that the risk of this occuring is always high at m
masonic meetings, and that the same thing happened to the Chief a
Inspector last month. r
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
y
Welcome to Australia, sir. Could I just see your passport and visa? l
u
- Okay. r
t
Thank you.... Hmm, excuse me sir, you're an American tourist, are
you? d
n
- That's right. a
Hmm This is rather suspicious. Where's your ten gallon hat? l
l
- I'm sorry? e
w
I'm afraid I don't believe this for one moment. You're not shouting
"Gee" every ten seconds, you aren't taking snapshots of alleged e
kangaroos outside the window with your ten cameras, and you're not r
wearing your huge hat, sunglasses and loud jacket. C'mon, who are a
you?
l
- I'm an American tourist, visiting Melbourne with my wife. a
u
Oh yeah, sure. What bullshit.. for heaven's sake, you even pronounced s
Melbourne correctly. None of this "Mellboorn" crap - you said it u
right. Are you telling me you don't want to see Ayer's Rock, and buy
a genuine kangaroo skin fur coat for your "folks, back home"? You've s
been standing there two minutes, and you haven't asked me where the a
nearest American Express office is. Or whined about the cars being on
the wrong side of the road. Or stuffed yourself full of hamburgers h
and fries before belching loudly and proclaiming "Gee honey - that c
was SWELL! Now I gotta find the JOHN!" So, who are you really? i
h
- Shhh.. CIA, but not a word to my wife. w
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
,
It's not that I want to go to Russia and claim power, unbelievable s
wealth and the adulation of the masses, but I have to say right here g
and now that I am in fact a descendant of the Tsar. Honest, it's n
true. I'm from the first generation of the Smellonski family of St i
Petersburg (Leningrad), who, just after the Russian revolution, found l
the dead Tsar's body and extracted some sperm out of it, which they b
kept in a bottle until the technology was developed to allow m
in vitro-fertilisation. The result being me. Hooray! a
And if anyone doubts this story, then why don't you get stuffed? r
Have you no faith in the honesty of your fellow man? Do you want to
destroy humanity's faith, culture and beliefs? Do you want to tear d
the very soul from the entire species of humans? Oh yeah, great.. e
<insert your name here> is responsible for the genocide of the human s
race! So, how do you feel now? a
A. Rotten - Good! e
B. Fantastically butch and macho - Bastard! s
C. Fantastically butch and feminine - Bitch! i
D. Fantastically butch and something and pumped full of d
testosterone - Well hello ducky. How are you today?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - y
m
Popsicle and Inspector Unnecessary-Violence (who denies absolutely
having been a war criminal who brutally interrogated err.. murdered o
15 suspects err.. civilians during a case .. err war) are cold on the t
tails of nutmeg smugglers.
"I didn't think there was anything wrong with nutmeg", said the s
Inspector as they speeded (as opposed to sped) through the city on n
their way to the next place where they'd get out of the car. "Why are i
we on the tails of nutmeg smugglers?" g
"Huh" replied the all-knowing, manly figure of Popsicle. "Ever e
tried eating three nutmegs?" b
"No, should I? Anyway; so what? It's not addictive is it?"
"Probably not, but that's not the point. It's got to be stopped k
before people start having too much fun!" e
"Well, you're right there. You can't just allow people to go e
around willy-nilly... willy-fuckin'-nilly having fun. Absolutely w
fuckin' not", agreed the Inspector, a fascist in fascist's clothing
if ever there was one. e
h
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ t
Now you've reached the end of that astonishingly short
installment of Popsicle, we can announce that it is your e
misfortune once again to have failed to avert your eyes r
from the Toxic Custard Workshop Files. Back-issues are o
now available.. reply to this, or mail [email protected] m
Also available only to intergalactic space-mutants, the
quite amusing (considering I didn't write it) tale of e
Rocket Roger. Mail [email protected] Help the c
author celebrate his 21st birthday! (No-one else will) n
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ O
--
Copyright © 1991 Daniel Bowen
--
Daniel Bowen, Monash University | He who quoteth himself
Melbourne Australia-------------| in his own signature
--Toxic-Custard-Workshop-Files--| is a conceited bastard.
[email protected] | [Daniel Bowen, '91]
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